Stress, depression, and infertility

Toby102008 · May 2016

Hey ladies, I'm just curious how some of you handle the stress and sadness that infertility brings? I know stress is so bad while TTC, but I can't help but stress and worry, and be sad all the time. I've suffered with anxiety and depression my entire life, but due to the fact I've been TTC for 2 years I've been off all meds to help with my anxiety. I feel like I'm sad all the time. I'm an emotional wreck and I cry most nights. Every month when AF comes it's like another piece of my heart breaks. I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best, but it's so hard. DH and I recently moved 4 hours from our families so now I feel even more alone. My friends don't understand. My DH is amazing and does his best to stay strong, but I know this is killing him too. He just hides it better than I do. I've been on antidepressants before and do not want to go back on them. I know our first IUI is coming soon and there could be an end in site, but I just want to know if there is anything you ladies do to help stay positive? I know if we end up spending all this money on treatments and they fail I'm going to be way more devasted and depressed than I already am. How do you all do it? How do you handle month after month of disappointments and continue to stay strong and keep going? I'm so tired and I just want to be strong and not so darn sad all the time.

wifeinraleigh28 · May 2016

This stuff is so hard, and I feel your pain.

This article helped me a lot: https://www.approachingmotherhood.com/blog/2015/the-gift-on-infertility-and-waiting-for-a-baby

I also do my best to focus on what I can control, and let go of the rest. We deserve to be happy, and stressing out over what we cannot control is poison to our mind and bodies.

Try new things and take up hobbies! I've been knitting so much since we started going through treatments and it helps relax my mind.

Hang in there! ❤️

Toby102008 · May 2016

Thank you. I'll be sure to read the article after work.

I know I need to find a hobby. We want to start a garden this year and I think that'll give me something to do after work. I know sitting cooped up in the house everyday is not good for me. It's hard being in a new town where I don't know many people. I'm making new friends at work so that's nice. I know I have to accept the fact that this is something I can't control and do my best to stay busy, and most important stay positive.

NurseTMD85 · May 2016

I also struggle with stress and anxiety, and stopped taking my medications before fertility treatments. I took up acupuncture and yoga, and they seem to help. I also use adult coloring books which are good for stress relief. When I feel an anxiety attack coming on soaking in a hot bath (in the first 2 weeks of your cycle Only!) and doing deep breathing helps me. I also try to keep busy. I do a lot of reading, a lot of cleaning, little and big projects around the house (painting, cleaning out closets, organizing). The more I am able to keep my mind busy the less anxious I am.

I have serious control issues, so this whole process is frustrating for me. I have tried to do everything that I can so I feel like I have control over SOMETHING - I gave up coffee and started drinking green tea, I eat the pineapple core, I drink cough syrup a few days before my procedure, I don't drink alcohol during my tww, and I try to rest for a few days after every treatment. Journaling can be a good outlet, too. I use it to track each day if I am having symptoms or side effects, what meds I took, what project I did to keep my mind occupied, etc.

All of this sucks and it's so unfair that we have to spend so much time, energy, and money trying to conceive when it seems like everyone around you gets pregnant by accident every five minutes (for me at least!). But I just try to remember that their stories have nothing to do with me. Worrying all the time is only going to decrease my chances of having a successful treatment so I might as well let it go.

I hope some of this helps! Keep your head up

meli123k · May 2016

Hi @Toby102008, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I struggle with depression as well, and IF has definitely made it harder to deal with. However, after getting to some pretty low points, it also forced me to face it and try some new things to help counter it. I started seeing a therapist, something I never wanted to do, but knew deep down I should for the health of myself, my marriage, and my future family. It isn't a quick fix and I know I still have a long way to go, but looking back I have come a ways since I started therapy and am very glad I did (even though I still wish at times I didn't have to go!).
I had lowered my dose of meds when started TTC thinking I could handle it, but ended up realizing that for me personally I needed to be on the higher dose to stay sane and get through this. I checked with a doctor for maternal and fetal medicine to make sure it was ok to be on my meds, since I know there are some that may cause complications. I certainly understand not wanting to go back on meds though, it's a personal decision. But if you're worried about it affecting TTC or pregnancy there may be some that are safer alternatives to help get some relief. I also started acupuncture to help relieve stress (and maybe hopefully help with IF). DH and I try to do little things to help keep our spirits up, particularly around AF, like going out for sushi, getting ice cream, or seeing a movie. It doesn't take away the hurt and disappointment, but it helps. *hugs*

hispenguin · May 2016

I also suffer from anxiety and depression. My meds help take away the depression and keep my anxiety in check. I opted to stay on my meds since there are risks of it getting worse during pregnancy and postpartum.

Im lucky I have friends IRL who have gone through or are going through the same things so it helps to talk to people. I also focus on projects around the house (yay for gardening season starting!). I've found that praying and reading motivational readings have helped.

BrightenMySky · May 2016

@Toby102008 you are definitely not alone in experiencing this stress and sadness. IF is such an emotional rollercoaster. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in IF and pregnancy loss (found using the search function at https://www.psychologytoday.com/, and talking to her is helping me. I used to exercise a lot for stress relief years ago, but I fell out of the habit, so I'm not in such good shape and it's hard to get motivated, plus I feel like I need to be cautious when I'm in the TWW, and there are days of a medicated cycle where it would just not be comfortable to exercise for me. I started acupuncture for fertility purposes, but it also helps with stress relief, and that and making some Traditional Chinese Medicine-based diet changes have given me a little bit of the illusion of control, which has been helping. Watching TV, petting and walking the dog, taking baths, and sometimes cooking all help me sometimes (well, my dog helps me all the time, not sometimes!). Hugs.

Toby102008 · May 2016

@nursetmd85 Thank you for your response. I agree that EVERYONE seems to have gotten pregnant on accident. I know it's not really everyone, but it sure seems that way! Facebook is so hard sometimes. May I ask why you drink cough syrup before your procedure? I also see a lot of people on here are doing acupuncture. I think I'm going to look into that. I am also a control freak, so not being able to control this makes me CRAZY! Hang in there too. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. ❤️

@meli123k and @brightenmysky I am seeing a therapist but she doesn't specialize in IF. I think I may need to find someone who does. I will check out the website.

NurseTMD85 · May 2016

@Toby102008 I have read that Clomid can actually thicken your cervical mucus and make it harder for the little guys to swim. Taking cough syrup a few days before the procedure is supposed to thin it out and make it easier for them to get to their destination. I have no idea how plausible this is but I'm at the point where I'll try anything! I just found out about this last round and I only got two doses in before my IUI. Hopefully it'll do the trick this round.

Toby102008 · May 2016

@nursetmd85 Oh ok. I knew Clomid could thicken your CM, but had never heard of the cough syrup trick. GL to you. I'm going to start trying baby aspirin after IUI that I've heard so much about now. Clomid never made me O, but I'm hoping the Letrozole will. I'll be jumping to the IUI board when we have a more definite answer when it will be happening. Probably not until July, maybe late June. Depends how much overtime I can work. That's another way I'm trying to keep busy. Drown myself in work.

stranzm · May 2016

@Toby102008 - I haven't had past struggles with anxiety or depression, but I wanted to chime in to say that it is hard even on those who don't. I like to tell people that I felt lonely during that time. I also have a very supportive husband, but I just don't think that a guy can truly understand the sadness that comes each month when AF arrives. I turned the corner when we went through our first fresh cycle...he gave me every single shot. We were partners through that experience, and so it was much easier to handle then the process before that. Hang in there. Best of luck!

Toby102008 · May 2016

@stranzm I can absolutely understand that even for someone who has never struggled with anxiety or depression before IF can fall into that dark place once they start going through it. It's a long, sad road that affects all of us. I'm so happy to hear you're DH was so supportive. You made me tear up saying he gave you every single shot. That is a good man. I would never be able to do this without my DH either.

I think women are born wanting to be mothers. We are given baby dolls to nurture when we are little, where as men are raised to be masculine and tough. It's not until later in life they begin to realize they want to be fathers. I sometimes feel so guilty because I know how bad this hurts my DH. Him seeing me hurt and wishing we had the money to just go straight to IVF. He hates that due to financial strain he can't give me the one thing I so desperately want. But I know he wants it too. But he has to be the strong one. He has to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And I feel guilty, oh so guilty, that because of me, because of MY infertility issues, he can't be the father he so desperately wants to be.

KLake42 · May 2016

The thing that has really helped me is to take breaks. I had a string of IUIs, but I didn't do ALL of them back to back-- I took two month-long breaks in the process. I've also given myself a few months between IVFs. It helps me to have time to come back to myself.

I also understand wanting to avoid medication, but honestly? If I decide I need it, I'll find the med that impacts fertility the least, and go on it.

For me, depression can lead to a very serious place. I have to survive if I'm going to be a mom, so I'll do what it takes.

Toby102008 · May 2016

@klake42 I think taking breaks in between IUI cycles is a great idea. And something we may have to do anyways in order to pay for them. It's good to try to be as stress free as possible while going through all this. I have medication for anxiety if I absolutely need it but haven't been taking it. My OBYGN said it has the same affects on a fetus as alcohol so I don't feel safe taking it just in case. I'm so sorry to hear how horrible depression can get for you. Hang in there and best of luck to you hun.

MMD1986 · May 2016

I plan to take a break after my next IUI as well. I feel like it will be good for my mental health. While I'm not currently on medication, I have been in the past for depression and anxiety. That in itself is a lot to deal with, so add in the stress of IF and it's a lot to deal with. I don't have much advice that hasn't already been said. But take care of yourself and best of luck!

mamma1614 · May 2016

I feel your pain, and I know exactly how your feeling. Although I don't cry every night, I feel like I am inside sometimes. Nobody really gets it. The things that I found that helps my mood better is music, painting and cooking- projects in general. It doesn't completely take my mind off it, but it helps me to stay sane and in better spirits. We started to invite friends or family more. Like for my MIL's birthday I decided to cook mexican theme dinner since it was cinco de mayo the day before, so that took some planning and kept me busy for a week or two. Now I am preparing for my mom's 70th birthday, so I went to Michael's and I literally forgot myself there lol. I go for one thing and end up with 10 fun creative things for the party. We are also doing 4th of July BBQ so I'm preparing for that as well, I love to decorate. Even if your not preparing for a party- I highly recommend just walking around Michael's and look for fun diy ideas. Or look on pinterest for fun hobbies to pick up on. You'll be surprised how relaxing it is while your busy with a creative project

. hope that helps! baby dust to you!!

Toby102008 · May 2016

@mmd1986 Thanks for the response. I'm sorry to hear about your depression as well. Good luck with the next IUI and you take care of yourself too.

@mamma1614 It sounds like you are keeping VERY busy. That's great. We have a lot coming up this month and next month, with both my little brother and DHs little brothers graduating. Hoping it'll keep my mind off waiting for AF and IUI #1. I know we had Michaels in Michigan but I'm not sure about here in Wisconsin. I will certainly look into it. I LOVE Pinterest. It's a life saver!

And I do a lot of shopping. Probably not best for my wallet, but it makes me happy and fills the void I have. GL in your journey.

*Hugs* to all! ❤️

nuttymask · May 2016

We don't know how much we can bear until we have to. Meditation helps me. Have signed up for an MOOC on anxiety. Staying busy and treats help. Hang in there.

BuzzBrad · May 2016

Acupuncture has really helped me deal with stress and the depression of our infertility.

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