Baby Shower

cowinapartyhat · May 2016

So, hopefully this won't come out as whiny, but I am stuck.
First off, when is a good time for a baby shower? About how many weeks?
Second, I have no one to plan a shower for me, so I'm stuck planning it myself. A lot of people have told me how 'wrong' that is, but no one will step up to the plate and even help me.
It's not for lack of friends. Just lack of close friends. I am a military spouse and we are still fairly new to the area. I also try not to get too attached to people as there is always the possibility of us being shipped off somewhere else with very little notice.

So, plan my own baby shower? Or just go without?
Either way, it's probably more hormones than anything but this is depressing me quite a bit. I miss having family nearby.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

Yikes! Showers are not a right, but an honor. You should never expect one. It's not about anyone "stepping up to the plate" . Usually showers aren't done till third trimester (28 weeks or later).

My personal opinion is you should not throw your own. You may have a friend who will offer if you just chill out.

MRSCORKER · May 2016

If it were me, I wouldn't plan a "shower" but maybe an alternative type of celebration like a cook-out or something along those lines where you can celebrate the upcoming arrival of your LO without coming off as gift grabby. Just my opinion.

westcoastfoodie · May 2016

I second everything that's been said. We luckily have a couple people who want to throw us a shower, but we also have a lot of friends who we are not super close to but who want to celebrate with us (my husband is a tattoo artist and is "friends" with so many of his clients who are excited about the pregnancy). Our close friends have offered to throw a shower with our closest friends and family and we will be having a celebratory BBQ at our house for our acquaintances, but there will no "shower" type wording on the invite and we are not going to include any registry information. We've had a tough go of it in the past year, so it's really just more to celebrate a joyous occasion. I don't expect any gifts and would hate to come off as gift-grabby. The way I think of it is, if I'm not willing to get attached/get to know to someone, then I definitely wouldn't expect a shower or gift.

LMNOBaby · May 2016

I'm a bit of a non-traditionalist (and a little bit of a control freak) so personally I don't think it's too awful to "plan" your own shower. However, I respect that that's not how everyone thinks - so I probably wouldn't follow through with that completely on my own. I do think it's justified in wanting to celebrate the fact that you're adding a member to your family! I agree with @MRSCORKER , maybe call it a celebration of some type - a get-together or cook out to celebrate your new addition Also, if you don't have any close friends or family nearby to help, maybe have your husband sort of act as the planner? Or are any family planning to come into town for the shower? Maybe have that family member act as the planner? Even if they're out of town until the party, they could send out the invites and collect the RSVPs, so that it's not all on you.

For me personally, I wanted more of a party that included my husband, my brother, my guy best friend, and other male family members, something that let us all celebrate our little one - but my mother and mother-in-law still want to throw me a shower. So we're doing a big summer cook-out (they're calling it a Baby Barbecue!) that includes everyone, but the moms are planning it, sending the invites, collecting RSVPs, etc. Gifts aren't expected, just your presence! And, I sort of look at it as, if you don't agree with how we're throwing our party, you don't have to come.

kmvisioli · May 2016

Since a baby shower is traditionally an event to celebrate the mom-to-be and supply her with everything she needs for her first baby, planning one for yourself is super tacky. Pretty much like asking everyone to come bring you gifts and honor you. If nobody is offering to throw you a shower but you would like to celebrate this baby with your friends, I would suggest a couples-friendly cook-out, so it is more like a family celebration than a gifting event. Please don't go around asking people to throw you a shower, either.

vanessa11411 · May 2016

I agree with not throwing one for yourself. If no one offers, then you don't get one.

This is my third and my mom had mentioned a shower and I had to shoot her down right away. We have plenty of family members/friends that throw their own showers or have one for every single baby and I am totally judgey. I personally feel that it's tacky and gift grabby. I had to explain to my mom why I'm not interested in another one. I had a boy roughly 5 years ago and we kept a lot of things. I've been buying things as we go. With every paycheck I've purchased my larger needed items. I'm just down to only needing a dresser for the nursery and I'm only 20 weeks.

It's still pretty early though and someone might step up and offer one. Showers are usually held during the third trimester.

cowinapartyhat · May 2016

I might take the Baby Barbecue idea.

By no means did I want to sound gift-grabby or needy. We've already got everything we need for baby (and then some) of our own dime.

I guess I'm just feeling very much alone. I wish I had my friends and family with me to celebrate this new life, but I don't.

ignoscemihi · May 2016

I guess I have a bit of a different opinion on this. I'm lucky. I have a huge family, so it was never a question that someone was going throw me a shower for our first child. And, while it was really nice to get gifts, buying baby things would not have been a financial burden for us. So it would be easy for me to say you shouldn't throw yourself a shower - because I knew it wouldn't be an issue for me. True, a baby shower isn't a right, but it is kind of a tradition in this country. And it feels bad to have a special event go unacknowledged. Etiquette usually dictates that you don't throw your own shower, but that's based on a world where most people still live in their hometowns. I suppose you could talk to a female relative or friend who could "throw" the shower for you, even if you end up doing most of the planning. Maybe you could have a Skype shower, where the "host" (a close friend or relative) and your guests are in one location and you're in another. Or, you know, just throw yourself a shower. You're in an unfamiliar place without your close friends and family because your husband is serving our country. You have every reason to throw it yourself.

I wish people understood how privileged they are. For those of you saying she shouldn't throw herself a shower, are you going to be thrown a shower? Can you not imagine how it might feel to know you aren't going to be given one?

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

Um, spouses of active military are no more entitled to throw their own showers than those not in the military. Support has really nothing to do with a gift-giving event. Its a party and that's it-- not some sort of rite of passage.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

I know I'm not going to be given a shower. This is my third baby. Showers are for welcoming a mother to motherhood. As such, you are only really given one.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

If you are up and have insomnia-- this thread is the gift that keeps on giving (so topical):
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12561809/people-really-just-plan-their-own/p1

ignoscemihi · May 2016

PrimRoseMama said:

I know I'm not going to be given a shower. This is my third baby. Showers are for welcoming a mother to motherhood. As such, you are only really given one.

But did you have one for your first? You kind of sidestepped the question there.
Also, I never said spouses of active military are more deserving of baby showers. I said it's a pretty good reason to throw yourself a shower - because you aren't around your family or friends.

westcoastfoodie · May 2016

PrimRoseMama said:

Um, spouses of active military are no more entitled to throw their own showers than those not in the military. Support has really nothing to do with a gift-giving event. Its a party and that's it-- not some sort of rite of passage.

Yeah I have to agree with this. I'm not going to pretend to know what it's like to be a military spouse, but I do know what it's like to be a military SO, as I was one for many years and I have many friends who are military spouses. They are now all scattered across the country, but I am glad that I got attached and made those friendships, that I still have. I think the part that gets me is the wanting to have a celebration for yourself with a community, but admittedly not wanting to reach out and get attached to those people... and then saying that they won't step up to the plate. It sounds entitled, and none of us are entitled to a shower, especially if it's not you're first. I totally understand that is most likely a wording thing thing though, and I'm probably focusing too much on semantics.

I think the real issue is that you're feeling lonely and without you're family and friends. Would it be possible to make a visit home to make you feel less lonely? Maybe if you talked to your friends and family back home about how lonely you are, that may help? Otherwise, a BBQ or something may be a great way to get closer to some of the people in your new community. Who knows, you may hit it off with some new friends and they may decide to do a little something for you. You never know until you jump in!

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

@ignoscemihi : Right, but it's really not a good reason. Who will you invite if you have no one to throw you a shower? If no one supports you locally, who do you invite to give you gifts? Inviting casual friends seems like an obvious gift grab, no? Kind of an odd logic.

Yes, I had a shower for my first. My BFF threw it & it was 6 people total. It truly was an intimate gathering to welcome me to Motherhood. I almost didn't have one because my BFF had to fly out to do it and she almost didn't get the time off work to come. At the time I understood. Yes, it's mildly disappointing but it's not like a wedding or the actual birth of the kid.

its a party & that's it. Plenty of women don't have one & they aren't scarred for life.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

I think there is more FOMO about baby showers than any other party or event I've ever discussed on social media. It's not a sacred event. It's meant to be fun & thats all. I know cultures that don't do anything before baby is born out of fear of bad luck.

No no one is inherently missing anything huge. You can throw a little Meet the Baby Party when baby arrives. That the baby is the guest of honor & not mom. Mom is the hostess inviting others to celebrate their offspring. What a better way to do it than visit home or invite new friends?

NoraAurora · May 2016

idc if people want to throw their own showers, I really don't. I won't even side eye you for it. We've all got our own situations, whatever.

My concern is this: if you don't have people that you are terribly close with where you are at, I feel like it would be incredible awkward to throw yourself a shower, and if people didn't prioritize it enough to show up (since you're not all that close) you could end up feeling even more sad and isolated than before. It could be a very sad womp-womp kind of deal (I will admit I hate being the center of attention so this further convinces me that this would not be something I would want to do....YMMV).

Alternately, I agree with some previously mentioned ideas: plan a trip to where closer friends and family live, get together with some old girlfriends who have kids now and commiserate, look at baby books with your mom or whatever. In the meantime, do throw a BBQ or just try to get to know local moms of babies better. Look for "mommy and me" type classes that start up in the winter or an appropriate time for your baby. Work on your support network where you're at, you will need it once you're more or less "single" momming.

ignoscemihi · May 2016

Did I misread the original post? It seemed like this was her first shower. If I'm wrong, I take back my post.
@Primrosemama so you got your shower. Why shouldn't @cowinapartyhat have one? And if a baby shower isn't sacred and is "just a party," what's the big deal if she throws one for herself? People throw themselves birthday parties all the time.

As to who she would invite, she would invite her friends and family. If they can't travel to her (or vice versa), the internet is a big help. My mother-in-law wanted to have a shower for me with my husband's family, but we don't live nearby and I wasn't comfortable flying that late in my pregnancy, so she had people over to her house and we Skyped. It was unconventional, but made me feel supported by my husband's family.

kmvisioli · May 2016

@cowinapartyhat With what you're saying, I think throwing some sort of non-shower celebration would be a good way to make some connections and hopefully strengthen the friendships you already have. Maybe that's a co-ed party before baby arrives, or maybe that's a girls-only Meet the Baby party afterwards. I hope it helps you feel more excited!

LauraPCOS · May 2016

I like the Baby BBQ celebration idea - not only is it celebrating your new addition (like a baby shower would) but it also gives you a chance to get to know people in your area a bit better, especially if you make it couple/family friendly.

ibabyloveb87 · May 2016

I like the baby BBQ idea! I think that'd be fun and you could definitely do it for couples.

My mom is doing a "sip n see" after my baby is born for her friends who won't necessarily be invited to a shower because they're not as close to me. Have some wine and see the new baby. It's not a gift thing and I'm pretty sure her invitation will say no gifts. (And I totally don't mind heading home for a weekend with my mom so i am fine with it.) I don't see a problem doing something like that.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

ignoscemihi said:

Did I misread the original post? It seemed like this was her first shower. If I'm wrong, I take back my post.
@Primrosemama so you got your shower. Why shouldn't @cowinapartyhat have one? And if a baby shower isn't sacred and is "just a party," what's the big deal if she throws one for herself? People throw themselves birthday parties all the time.

As to who she would invite, she would invite her friends and family. If they can't travel to her (or vice versa), the internet is a big help. My mother-in-law wanted to have a shower for me with my husband's family, but we don't live nearby and I wasn't comfortable flying that late in my pregnancy, so she had people over to her house and we Skyped. It was unconventional, but made me feel supported by my husband's family.

This isn't an "everyone deserves one" type deal though. Just because I was given the honor by a friend does not mean I think every pregnant woman should be entitled to a shower. Would it be nice? Absolutely.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm the bad guy here in this instance? It's not really about what I think anyone deserves. Again, a shower is never a right. It's just a bonus. It's not depriving anyone of anything spectacular to rationally point out that it's unreasonable to feel entitled to a party because you are pregnant.

Its just a "gift giving party" by very definition. It's generally considered rude and tacky to invite people over to give you gifts. That's why the "just a party" for oneself is generally frowned upon.

It's not to be mean.

It's consideration for guests because it's not done to ask people to buy you things. You can't throw a shower & say "no gifts". That's not correct either because you can't really tell folks what to do with money they earned themselves.

Does it it really matter? No. Did OP ask for opinions? Yes. She can do whatever she wants. That doesn't make it the proper thing to do or the polite thing to do. Ultimately it's up to OP.

Throwing etiquette aside side seems to be en vogue these days. So it's not like my opinion makes a lot of difference. I'm just trying to tactfully express disagreement.

Its really not a personal affront to me if anyone disagrees.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

Also Baby BBQ always makes me think of cooking a baby. Ghastly!

Why not a housewarming BBQ & mention nothing of baby? By then, 3rd trimester, you'll be showing enough that it will be readily obvious you are having a baby. You can get to know your neighbors. No one feels obligated to buy gifts & you can get into the social scene.

This way, you can get to know people to invite to a Sip n' See for baby in October. The fun part is you can do a costume party for baby's sip n' see!

Schell2013 · May 2016

I have yet to go to a shower before a baby was born. This could be due to the fact that I'm from Canada but I had a sprinkle/meet the baby when my 1st LO was 6 weeks old. I didn't have one with my second and don't want to with my third.
throwing your own shower is tacky, I would actually probably not attend for that reason alone. A meet the baby afternoon is different cause it doesn't come across as hey buy me something. Most people will bring somethings cause they want to anyways, but not cause they have to.
Trust me you'll get baby gifts, even when I had a second girl I still got spoiled by people who wanted to buy stuff for just cause.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

Schell2013 said:

I have yet to go to a shower before a baby was born. This could be due to the fact that I'm from Canada but I had a sprinkle/meet the baby when my 1st LO was 6 weeks old. I didn't have one with my second and don't want to with my third.
throwing your own shower is tacky, I would actually probably not attend for that reason alone. A meet the baby afternoon is different cause it doesn't come across as hey buy me something. Most people will bring somethings cause they want to anyways, but not cause they have to.
Trust me you'll get baby gifts, even when I had a second girl I still got spoiled by people who wanted to buy stuff for just cause.

This is a very good point. You'll get gifts from people who want to send them.

ByeBabyBunting · May 2016

How far are you from home? My BFF threw mine but I drove 3 hours to get there. Anything big I got I mailed to myself. It was 6 years ago now and I knew almost no one where I lived.

For this second kid I don't want a shower but my close friends l have here now are insisting on it. It honestly makes my a little uncomfortable. I'd rather just get a pedecure and go out to lunch.

kmtz89 · May 2016

I won't be having a shower (as far as I know). No one in Tanzania does baby showers and probably most people don't even know what they are. I'm sure within the expat community something could happen but I don't expect it to and won't be disappointed.

I know we will have a party sometime between 6-12 weeks AFTER the baby is born where we will roast goat (tradition) and people will most likely bring gifts but not typical baby shower type gifts, probably mostly local fabrics and and MAYBE some baby clothes. I guess I'll you know since this is my first time haha.

PrimRoseMama · May 2016

Mmmm roasted goat.

Is the meat good? I've only had it in a "street taco" type thing and it had lots of sauce (spicy omg). I'd be interested to know what goat steak tastes like. Then again I like different out-of-the-way meats. @kmolleltz

BoyMom44 · May 2016

I wouldn't assume that the military wives in your area aren't going to do anything for you. While I don't live a military life I only hear the amazing bonds the families make there. Don't lose hope, there may be someone actually in talks about having a little something for you. If that doesn't work plan a meet after the baby is born. You do have a right to celebrate your baby in some sort of way.

kmtz89 · May 2016

PrimRoseMama said:

Mmmm roasted goat. Is the meat good? I've only had it in a "street taco" type thing and it had lots of sauce (spicy omg). I'd be interested to know what goat steak tastes like. Then again I like different out-of-the-way meats. @kmolleltz

I love goat meat in Tanzania. Its slow roasted over a fire for ages and it ends up so soft and delicious.

krzyriver · May 2016

You're going to get some passionate opinions on here about this. And you can ask and people will give their opinions, but it's going to be your decision in the end. If people have told you not to do it, then there's a good chance they won't come if you do throw it yourself.

In my social group, people do throw their own. I don't mind going to showers that are thrown by the mother, but I never considered it myself. Not until my husband got upset because he really wanted me to experience it. So I entertained the idea for his sake. But after going back and forth on it, even after debating in favor of it on a FFFC thread, I realized that I'm still that girl who wanted to elope because I hate people fussing over me and that it would make me uncomfortable. I'm just not sold on the idea and if you're not either, maybe don't do it.

krzyriver · May 2016

Also, I'm sorry that all this is depressing you. I'm in the same boat. The reason I entertained the idea myself is because I had a falling out with my bf this last year. She doesn't even know I'm pregnant. And we have A LOT of mutual friends who will favor her over me if they knew we don't speak anymore because I'll never divulge the reasons why, that's her private business.

So I pretend that we're both just super busy and haven't had a chance to speak in awhile. And because of that, people will assume she's throwing if for me. So I won't end up having one because no one will think to offer.

This really depressed me for quite awhile. Because I would have really enjoyed a shower and God, I miss my friend. But throwing my own shower won't fix that part and I'll feel so uncomfortable that it would probably only make it worse. And if people you know are against the idea, they may not come and that will depress you too.

I would take PrimRoseMama's advice and throw a house warming party. This will give you an event to plan and might take your mind of things. It'll be something non-baby related to focus on, which I'm learning is SUPER important for my mental health. It'll also give you a chance to get to know people and build a support system.

scostel2 · May 2016

I'm helping to plan my baby shower. I know it's not traditional but it kind of is what it is. I've had some good friends and family offer to help out in small ways, but my mom died 7 years ago and so there was really no one to take the lead and start the planning and organize who would pitch in to do what. My dad offered to pay for it but as a 60+ year old dude, he definitely doesn't know what he is doing enough to really throw the shower and honestly, I don't think he would really want to either. I don't think anyone is entitled to a shower but it's a nice celebration to help get excited for your first baby arriving so I don't blame anyone for wanting one even if their circumstances don't lend to easily having a traditional shower.

ecpdvm · May 2016

@cowinapartyhat I think the baby shower issue is a red herring for a bigger problem - you feel lonely and isolated at what should be one of the most exciting times in your life!

But trust me (from several years of inviting the "popular kids" to my birthday party) - throwing yourself a party with people you aren't close to will not cheer you up. It may even make you feel MORE isolated.

I think, rather than saying "Oh, I'm going to move again soon," you should actively make an effort to form relationships with people! You can't go throw your life with no friends just because you move a lot. Instead, make friends everywhere you go and you'll be much happier.

With regards to celebrating the birth of your little one, here are my suggestions:
1) Celebrate your own introduction to mamahood by pampering yourself. Don't spend money throwing a party for people who won't appreciate you, especially if you're not doing it for the gifts. Go get a prenatal massage, a manicure, a facial. Show yourself a little love! Buy a new book and spend all day reading it. Do something that makes you happy.

2) Have a Meet the Baby party. I can't call it a Baby BBQ - I just picture babies on skewers. That's a horrible name for something. Then you're celebrating your child rather than yourself as a mother.

3) Go to a public baby shower, like The Mother of All Baby Showers. Lots of Walmarts host baby showers, too, and they frequently do it in September (perfect timing!).

mothernorth · May 2016

I agree with PP completely.

depineta · May 2016

@krzyriver I have nothing real to add, I'm just sorry you're going through that.

krzyriver · May 2016

@depineta Thank you. It's been tough because she was there for me through so much bad stuff and I thought she'd be here for the good too. But having this group of supportive mamas has helped a lot more than I would have expected, so I'm very grateful.

NicholeL16 · May 2016

One of my best friends is a military wife and they just relocated. Her mom had a shower for her here and she flew home for it. We either gifted her with gift cards or had the gifts shipped to her home. A few of her close relatives still brought gifts to the shower so she could open them but shipped them for her after. I do think we had the shower a little early for her so that it was still safe for her to
fly. I hope that someone finds a
way to celebrate your baby with you.

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