Awkward shower WWYD question

emma+karen · April 2016

So, this is our 2nd baby, another boy, and I am totally not expecting anyone to offer to throw a shower. We set up a registry mostly for the completion discount on stuff we need and so our parents have an idea of what we need if they want to buy stuff for us (my mom loves to shop, FIL will only shop from a list--that goes for birthdays and Christmas, too.)

Anyway, when we first announced we were expecting at our church, the lay leader, who's also in choir with my wife, told us they wanted to throw us a shower. We said, great, thanks! Then nothing else mentioned, and now I'm due in 7 weeks.

Background on our church: We bring the average age down by quite a lot. It is full of old people. So naturally, they are very excited about a new baby because it doesn't happen often (ever). We started attending there when DS was about a year, so he was never a newborn in this church. The congregation also takes FOREVER to decide to do ANYTHING. There are many, many committee meetings involved.

I honestly don't care whether they throw us a shower or not. If they want to, great. If not, that's fine, too. What I DON'T want is for them to sit on this until the baby's born and then say, "Oh, we'll throw you a shower now and you just bring the baby!" Nuh-uh, no way, not happening. Because then they will want to pass him around and touch him and hold him and that's just not happening with a newborn.

So my WWYD question is: should we mention the shower to our lay leader again or not? I'm thinking sort of in the way of, "The baby's due pretty soon, not sure if you all were still wanting to throw a shower, but if you do, let's find a date soon because time's running short!" Or should I just not even mention it, and turn down any offers after the baby comes until I'm ready to start going back to church again (I'll probably stay home from church with the baby till the end of summer, after a round or two of shots and some time for his immune system to get up and running).

Thoughts?

js8812 · April 2016

I would personally not say anything and turn the shower down right after the baby is born if you're not comfortable with the exposure.

thismakes4 · April 2016

js8812 said:

I would personally not say anything and turn the shower down right after the baby is born if you're not comfortable with the exposure.

Exactly what I would do.

mrstmoose · April 2016

I agree with @js8812

swflJD · April 2016

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't say anything, but if they bring it up soon after the baby is born, I would just tell them that you'd rather wait until he's had his first shots, etc. before being exposed to a lot of people. Then, suggest a few dates a couple of months out. If they proceed with planning it then, great. If not, then oh well.

TXmamatobe · April 2016

Agree with everyone above on this!

mcb2016 · April 2016

I wouldn't say anything either. If they want to do something after the baby is born I would still do it but not bring the baby and keep the time at the shower very short.

RMLandy · April 2016

I wouldn't say anything either. With my first, our church offered and then kind of dropped the ball as well. After the birth they collected gifts which were just dropped off, and had people volunteer to bring us dinner twice a week for a month!

laurenmdrn16 · April 2016

RMLandy said:

I wouldn't say anything either. With my first, our church offered and then kind of dropped the ball as well. After the birth they collected gifts which were just dropped off, and had people volunteer to bring us dinner twice a week for a month!

This is exactly what happened with us! Of course, it really wasn't anyone's fault since my son came so early, but after he was born everyone started a meal train and would drop off gifts and meals throughout the months after delivery. People would come just one or a few at a time and there was no passing around the baby (esp. since he was a preemie), but a few trusted members did offer to hold him while I showered or napped which was sooooo appreciated!

With this baby, the choir is planning to do the same, only adding in drop-off/pick-up of my son at his preschool so I don't have to worry about getting him to and from school while recovering from a RCS. That plus the meals will be better than any shower! I feel so incredibly blessed to have the church family to help out.

AdorkablePixie · April 2016

I agree with PPs, I wouldn't say anything.

wsgjmw1 · April 2016

This is kinda sorta happening to me at work. Way back my co workers were all about throwing me a shower, now I am 3 weeks from going on leave and nothing. I am just not saying anything and letting it go. For me it is kinda awkward to remind them.

mcb2016 said:

I wouldn't say anything either. If they want to do something after the baby is born I would still do it but not bring the baby and keep the time at the shower very short.

I also agree with this for your particular situation!

emma+karen · May 2016

Reviving this with an update. So now that I'm 38 weeks, my wife came home from choir practice last night and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I think you'll be mad if I don't..." So yeah, they are planning to surprise me with a shower. After the baby is born, but she doesn't know when. Sigh.

I don't want to seem ungrateful that they are planning something, but honestly with the baby almost here a shower is the last thing on my mind. They could be a lot more helpful by bringing food by the house at this point. We have everything we need, and I'm not planning to go to church for a couple of months after the baby is born--I know my church, and I know people will expect to hold the baby and pass him around. Not happening, at least not till after a couple rounds of vaccines. And even then, I don't really want all the people touching him. I'm a protective mama bear with an infant.

I am convinced that Protestantism is not designed for introverts. I was raised Catholic, and everyone was much better about boundaries. Thanks for letting me vent.

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