help...MMC and my sister's pregnant - what can I do?

ForBabyBarr · May 2016

My sister and I are supposed to be about a week and half apart with me being slightly further along. I was so excited and happy for us.

Last week I went for an ultrasound at 9w3d and there was no heartbeat and baby measured at 5w3d. It's been dead inside of me for over a month and no signs of it coming out so I'm going for a d and c tomorrow.

Today I should be 10 weeks. My sister is still doing great. I'm happy for her and don't feel bitter at all towards her, but it breaks my heart so much that my husband and I have lost our baby. I have no idea how to cope with my sister's growing belly since I we should have been experiencing everything at nearly the same time. I'm afraid it's going to be too much, and I don't want our relationship ruined because of this.

I'm heartbroken for so many reasons.

Do you have any advice?

schmoopie1-2 · May 2016

My heart breaks for you

. Maybe take a break from your sister/family/mutual friends for a while. Things will get easier with time, but you don't need to be reminded of your loss constantly right now. Hang in there, maybe plan a long weekend with your husband.

LinziLoo09 · May 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I might seek a counselor who can help you process this loss and figure out how to move forward with your relationship with your sister with as little trauma as possible. I can't imagine how difficult going through that would be, and I would want professional input. <so many hugs>

sarahufl · May 2016

I lost a pregnancy at the same time my sister was pregnant- she was due early September, I was due early November.

It sucked, but I had to remind myself that it wasn't about her, and the two things were completely unrelated. I wanted to make sure I celebrated her pregnancy while mourning the loss of mine. It is a difficult balance, for sure. I would imagine she is having the same conversation with herself- how she should manage supporting you as well as being excited for herself.

I am sorry for your loss, it's never easy.

joyful08 · May 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a very similar story. I was due 10/10 and my sister due 10/25. I just lost our baby about 5 weeks ago. It has been hard to see her. I have had to take a break from talking to her so much and we definitely don't talk about her baby anymore. I think it has been the best thing for me to distance myself from her these first few week while I try to heal. I am so sorry I know this is such a tough place to be in.

SnarkasaurusRex · May 2016

I'm sorry for your loss. The best thing that you can do is to take care of yourself. If you need to have some space between the two of you while you process things, then just communicate that to her and give yourself the time and distance to help heal. You'll find your balance. I'll also echo PP's suggestion of finding a counselor that you can talk to about everything that you're going through. ((creepy internet hugs))

clairemwalker · May 2016

Im sorry for your loss, as other pps have said, give yourself some space to grieve, and dont feel guilty if you need to avoid your sister for a while. I had a MC about 5 years ago, and DH resisted TTC for 4 years (my MC was unplanned pg) in that 4 years my older sister had 2 LOs and my younger sister had 3. It was heartbreaking for me and i struggled to be happy for them. I avoided them for ages, especially my younger sister as she was pg with her twins while DH and i were divided over ttc. The space was good for me, and i was able to slowly come around. My only word of caution is to try be with her occasionally as you will heal, and possibly you may regret in the future (especially if you wish to and succeed getting pg again) not sharing any of her time with her, when you would like her to be there with you. As another pp said she may be struggling also, trying to to figure out how to support you while she is pg. good luck and all my ts and ps are with you

sarahufl · May 2016

clairemwalker said:

Im sorry for your loss, as other pps have said, give yourself some space to grieve, and dont feel guilty if you need to avoid your sister for a while. I had a MC about 5 years ago, and DH resisted TTC for 4 years (my MC was unplanned pg) in that 4 years my older sister had 2 LOs and my younger sister had 3. It was heartbreaking for me and i struggled to be happy for them. I avoided them for ages, especially my younger sister as she was pg with her twins while DH and i were divided over ttc. The space was good for me, and i was able to slowly come around. My only word of caution is to try be with her occasionally as you will heal, and possibly you may regret in the future (especially if you wish to and succeed getting pg again) not sharing any of her time with her, when you would like her to be there with you. As another pp said she may be struggling also, trying to to figure out how to support you while she is pg. good luck and all my ts and ps are with you

I have to agree with this. My sister and her older daughter were two of the only people I was interested in talking to after my loss (it was traumatic- ectopic, emergency surgery, etc). As jealous as I may have been that she had her daughter, I knew that avoiding them wouldn't solve anything. And my niece is hilarious and amazing, so chatting with her always brought a smile to my face, no matter how difficult it was.

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