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September 2015 Moms
LoveLee85
member
Trying to get DH to 'Adult' is hard work
LoveLee85
member
It's seriously more difficult than raising my son as a SAHM. I'm not his mom. This is kind of an update, kind of a vent. Whatever it is, I'm OVER IT. He has stepped up in the caring for baby area, so baby steps(pun intended)Hahah
His life has hardly changed at all and mine is turned on my head. I don't mind how difficult it is to care for our baby, but the fact that DH makes it ten times more difficult is really disheartening. His is still a slob who can live in filth and not effing care in the world. His messes give me so much anxiety. I have effing posit notes all over trying to 'remind' him how to be an adult?! SAD. I have been talking for a few years about life insurance for me, now for baby. He always says 'on my next day off'....fast forward years later and nothing. Our son doesn't have a savings account yet, or a 529 or ANYTHING and he's 8 months old now. I have to nag and nag him to do crap and years later it's still not done.
True story: I went into labor in early September because my DH kept making me beg him to put the Chrismtas tree in storage. I finally got sick of tripping over the box and moved it that day. It was heavy as shit. Later that night I went into labor. Yes you read that correctly. It was early September and our CHRISTMAS TREE was still out in the dining room, in the box. I'm not comfortable bossing my DH around because it's not my job. I don't like 'talking down' to him. I just want him to 'adult'. All that being said, he's very responsible! So weird, I know. He works out 24/7, makes us healthy meals on his day off, never is lazy about his work. Always willing to work overtime so help us save. We have a great relationship other than his sloppy ways and being okay with living in it. I still have to tell him exactly what to do with our baby. He needs a diaper change, or he needs food' doesn't cut it. I have to say. CHANGE HIS DIAPER. FEED HIM A BOTTLE NOW. It gets old.
Things I have done that help:
I throw away his crap all the time! LOL it gives me so much joy, it's crazy.
By crap I mean years worth of old magazines, 194738 tiny Allen wrenches that come free with stuff, old batteries he thinks might still work, weird random things he will never use or miss. My thing is, if you haven't used it in years...donate, trash it, recycle it.
I have been shredding old paper work and mail. Who needs junk mail from 2011 stuff in their kitchen drawers?! My DH apparently. Well, no more. It feels SO GOOD!!!!
I use to have a constant laundry basket sitting around with no joke, over 60 single socks with no mate. Umm nope. I threw them away. Best part is, most of these socks were from his high school days?! Paper thin or holes. WHY?! He has sooooo many socks he hasn't missed these in so long and it brought me so much joy. LOLOLOLOL
His life has hardly changed at all and mine is turned on my head. I don't mind how difficult it is to care for our baby, but the fact that DH makes it ten times more difficult is really disheartening. His is still a slob who can live in filth and not effing care in the world. His messes give me so much anxiety. I have effing posit notes all over trying to 'remind' him how to be an adult?! SAD. I have been talking for a few years about life insurance for me, now for baby. He always says 'on my next day off'....fast forward years later and nothing. Our son doesn't have a savings account yet, or a 529 or ANYTHING and he's 8 months old now. I have to nag and nag him to do crap and years later it's still not done.
True story: I went into labor in early September because my DH kept making me beg him to put the Chrismtas tree in storage. I finally got sick of tripping over the box and moved it that day. It was heavy as shit. Later that night I went into labor. Yes you read that correctly. It was early September and our CHRISTMAS TREE was still out in the dining room, in the box. I'm not comfortable bossing my DH around because it's not my job. I don't like 'talking down' to him. I just want him to 'adult'. All that being said, he's very responsible! So weird, I know. He works out 24/7, makes us healthy meals on his day off, never is lazy about his work. Always willing to work overtime so help us save. We have a great relationship other than his sloppy ways and being okay with living in it. I still have to tell him exactly what to do with our baby. He needs a diaper change, or he needs food' doesn't cut it. I have to say. CHANGE HIS DIAPER. FEED HIM A BOTTLE NOW. It gets old.
Things I have done that help:
I throw away his crap all the time! LOL it gives me so much joy, it's crazy.
By crap I mean years worth of old magazines, 194738 tiny Allen wrenches that come free with stuff, old batteries he thinks might still work, weird random things he will never use or miss. My thing is, if you haven't used it in years...donate, trash it, recycle it.
I have been shredding old paper work and mail. Who needs junk mail from 2011 stuff in their kitchen drawers?! My DH apparently. Well, no more. It feels SO GOOD!!!!
I use to have a constant laundry basket sitting around with no joke, over 60 single socks with no mate. Umm nope. I threw them away. Best part is, most of these socks were from his high school days?! Paper thin or holes. WHY?! He has sooooo many socks he hasn't missed these in so long and it brought me so much joy. LOLOLOLOL
Re: Trying to get DH to 'Adult' is hard work
I wouldn't worry about the bank accounts. My DD1 is 7 and I just opened her 529 last month. DH was always against opening it and after years of ignoring it I just opened it and didn't tell him. What the hell! I don't need his permission.
Seriously though, if you toss out enough of his stuff he will notice. Or bag it and hide it (the important stuff).
I will keep tossing for sure. :-) the old mail is a pain to open and shred or recycle BUT I'm loving the it. It's therapeutic! @tlc11934
I don't complain much, because in every other regard, he is a great spouse, and has stepped UP to parenthood (which happened for him at 43, so pretty set in his ways) big time in really every regard. He does laundry, changes diapers, cooks, takes care of 99% of stuff. The tradeoff is that he's terribly, terribly cluttery, and tends to hoard things. He would literally never toss or shred a piece of junk mail or a receipt, he would just let them pile up. He has ratty, hole-y tees from Navy basic training that was in 2001 that he will not retire, he keeps plastic shopping bags indefinitely, like he has some master plan for them, if anything is given to him, no matter how trivial or incosenquential, he will not part with it, because he thinks it's "unkind" to not keep a "gift." Dude, some happy meal toy your coworker put on your desk as a joke isn't a "gift," it's okay to ditch it. Part of it is that he was raised to get the most bang for your buck/as many uses as possible out of everything. So, empty bottles, jars, etc.? We have to keep them. Because you might be able to put something in it someday, and what if, someday, you have a need for, say, an empty grape jelly jar, and lo and behold, your wife THREW ONE OUT, then what are you going to do?? OH, NOES!!!!! Tiny dabs of leftovers have to go in their own tiny containers in the fridge, even if they will never be eaten, and will doubtless be thrown away, and the containers sanitized, in three weeks, because God Forbid that you toss that remaining tablespoon of potato you know you're not going to eat...so wasteful! That kind of thing.
Honestly, he's 43 years old. He's not going to change. I met him when he was 40, married him when he was 41.5, I knew that there was no way that he was going to erase habits accrued during two decades of bachelorhood. I'm a behavioral psych person, in counselor training. I get the principles of family behavior. I can model better housekeeping behavior, but I'm not going to nag a grown-ass adult. If I need him to do something I know would never occur to him, I need to state it plainly. "Please organize that pile of buckets in the garage if you plan on using them for something later, or get rid of them...I need the space." Then, if they don't get organized, to the trash they go, because the message is that it's okay to get rid of them, or they'd have gotten organized. I'm not big on picking up after adults, but the other side of that coin is that sometimes I will if that's what it takes for me to be at a comfortable level in my house. It's a fine line to walk. But, ultimately, this is behavior that's pretty well set by this point. What battles to pick needs to be considered. It's not about being an adult or not being an adult. It's just that he has a much higher tolerance for clutter than I do, and it's not something he worries about.