EWG Dirty Dozen - Need Advice!

shamrocandroll · May 2016

I might be starting a war with this one, but here goes. We told our family about our pregnancy over the weekend, and the well-intentioned, but pushy advice has already begun. Here's one I'm currently dealing with that I'm not really sure how to handle.

The issue: My mom has been on a new autoimmune diet / clean eating kick. It's going really well for her, and I'm thrilled she's feeling so much better. In general, I am totally on board with eating whole, clean foods as much as possible thing. We cook dinner every night, and try to stick with whole, minimally processed foods whenever possible. Within 10 minutes of learning about my pregnancy, my mom was sending me lists of foods I needed to get organic. It's the EWG Dirty Dozen list, specifically. She made me promise to try to follow it, and I told her I would do my best, because this is really important to her with everything she's been going through with her health lately.

I live in a rural area, where we don't have stores like Whole Foods. One of my go-to snacks so far this pregnancy has been grapes. It was one of the only things I could keep down during my nauseous phase, and I've been genuinely enjoying them. Well, they're one of the Dirty Dozen, and I can't find them in organic anywhere. I mentioned this to my mom, and now she's INSISTING on sending me these weekly shipments of organic fruits and veggies from an online organic farm service. It like $50 a week, and she's begging me to let her do this. She already signed me up and the first shipment is set up. She wants to pay for it, and it just seems SOOOOO overkill to me. I told her the only thing I was having an issue finding was the grapes, and it seemed ridiculous to me to let her spend $200/month on shipping us produce. She says she just really wants to do this and asked me to please just let her. DH thinks she's out of her mind and we should just lie to her and tell her we found organic grapes. I hate lying to my mom.

I'm trying really hard to be gracious, because she feels like she messed up with me because I was a C-section (not by her choice... I was 23 days overdue and still refused to budge after they induced her) and I wasn't breastfed. She read somewhere that C-section babies who weren't breastfed were doomed to autoimmune disease because they weren't exposed to essential bacteria, and she feels guilty. I don't know if she feels like this is her chance to fix her "mistakes" or what. I'm currently completely healthy at 31, and almost never get sick, but she's convinced I'm doomed later in life. I'm trying SO HARD not to get snappy with her because this is such a generous and caring thing she's trying to do, but it just seems insane to me to let her do this. I love my mom a lot, I really do. She's one of the most caring people I know, but this just isn't practical to me! She's done so much for me in my life already, and I just can't in good conscience let her spend that kind of money on me!

HALP!!!

whitneyf1 · May 2016

That's a hard one. Part of me feels like you should just let her pay for it if she is insisting because it is obviously making her feel better. I obviously don't know the financial details of her life but if she is able to afford it then I would say maybe let it go. I know you feel bad but you may make her feel worse if you don't accept her offer.

BTW, I live 5 minutes from a Whole Foods and they don't have organic grapes right now and half the time don't have organic berries. I believe in eating organically and try to when I can but I'm not driving to another Whole Foods or grocery store to get them.

LikeICantEven · May 2016

I think you need to have a sit down with her and try to stay as on message as you can, which is, "Mom, I love that you are being so supportive about eating healthy and that this is working for you but I've already got a plan in place with my OB and they prefer I not deviate. I'm so thrilled you have found something for yourself that works, but I need to do what I and my OB believes is best. There are going to be so many other acceptable opportunities in which you can show your support but I've got the diet aspect covered."

It sounds like she's got a classic case of Granny Baby Rabies and is overkilling it with how she can "help" however, it's imperative you draw lines now because how you deal now will dictate further behavior. It sounds like she really is coming from a place of love and support, however you should funnel that into some other type but definitely have alternative suggestions. Telling her to slow her roll without giving her a new direction or focus might be a bad idea

If she dominates this conversation, an email always works too. Don't bring up how you think she's trying to fix her past mistakes, just stay on point. You got this!

DunkinDecaf · May 2016

If it were me I'd let her send the produce. Free organic fruits and veggies is something I wouldn't turn down. It is important to draw boundaries with family, but honestly this one wouldn't bother me that much. This isn't a battle I would choose to fight. If she's really guilting you about your choices down the line and it escalates from here, then I would have the sit down serious talk about boundaries with her.

As far as her feeling like she "messed up" by having a c section and formula feeding, obviously that's a bit silly of her, but we can't really control other peoples' feelings.

SpiritYell0905 · May 2016

ditto @SRose109

eta words are hard

shamrocandroll · May 2016

So, I send her an email telling her the main reason I think this is too drastic is because we already do things 80-90% right. We already eat very healthy, and there are certain foods I will only buy from certain places. I told her that my OB thinks our current diet sounds great to her (thanks for the tip on throwing that in, @HomeyDontPlayThat) and that all of my blood tests came back great. I also told her about how DH has been getting up early and packing my lunches and snacks to make it easy for me to graze on healthy foods throughout the workday (which, he has been doing, and I'm feeling so loved and spoiled by him).

I told her we will try the first box (it's too late there, since she already signed me up), but that I would explore other, less drastic solutions and keep her posted. I told her I don't want to seem for a second like I don't genuinely appreciate that she cares this much, but that I would rather see her use this service for herself, since she is the one getting so much benefit from the diet.

shevaCC · May 2016

@shamrocandroll, it sounds like you're handling it really well already. If she comes back and insists, however, I think I'd graciously accept the gift, thank her for her generosity, and enjoy. I believe in setting boundaries with parents and ILs, but I also believe in choosing your battles. I don't think this is something worth fighting her on when it's obviously healthy and probably brings her joy to share it with you and her soon-to-arrive grandbaby.

FWIW, we eat mostly whole foods, but rarely organic. I would rather spend my food dollars on more conventional produce than less organic produce. We only shop once every 1-2 weeks, and only at Costco, which further limits our choices. Other people make different choices and that works for their families.

fiscally3 · May 2016

I was going to suggest, if she still wants to send the boxes, see if she will do it bi-weekly so its not such an expense. I'd just tell her its hard for you to eat that much fruit in a week. Also I just saw today, that as far as the c-section/breastfeeding gut, a study recently came out that shows no difference in adults who were c-sections/vaginal birth/breastfed/formula fed. Here's the buzzfeed article: https://www.buzzfeed.com/tomchivers/the-friendly-bacteria-in-your-gut-isnt-as-set-at-birth-as-we?utm_term=.ruw5J8VJw#.khloJPrJq

And the abstract from Science Magazine (which is obviously more legit than buzzfeed.) It just mught make her feel better to know: https://science.sciencemag.org/content/352/6285/560.long

shamrocandroll · May 2016

She really is insisting on this, so I might have to let this one go her way. She got back to me again telling me that she's going to downgrade it to the smallest box they have (the original size she signed us up for was way too much, even though we cook a lot). She claims it's only a little over $20 per week to do this, and says she would be honored if we would allow her to do this for us. She is arguing that some people spend more than that on coffee every week, which she does not drink, so we should let her spend her "coffee money" on this instead because she really wants to. I don't see where the $20 figure is coming from based on the prices I'm seeing on the website, but knowing her, she probably has found a way to do it half price, haha. I guess we'll try it and see how it goes. At least this is something I can actually use/benefit from, and hopefully it will divert her from insisting on things I don't want/need. Thanks for everyone's advice!

forevertired · May 2016

Honestly if you really want grapes the box may not even have them. Usually those services are so great because they use what's currently in season, and I'm pretty sure it's not grape season. Also, I've tried those before and I wasn't able to pick what I wanted, only select a certain number of items I specifically don't like. So you'll get a box of fruit which is great, but it probably won't solve the organic grape problem anyway.
Sorry, I know this doesn't help you tell your mom anything. And who knows, maybe she found a better service that will actually send you what you want.

muybueno · May 2016

@shamrocandroll good call. Heck, I'd be jumping for joy if someone wanted to send me organic produce each week! And I agree- organic grapes are hard to find- they are randomly out of stock at all the stores around me at the moment.

Oakleypoozles · May 2016

I think I might be in the minority here but if this is something that makes her happy, she is a paying for it and you will still get to eat the grapes you are really enjoying I really just don't see the problem. I would just let her do it if it brought her peace and didn't hurt me.

shamrocandroll · May 2016

@Oakleypoozles I just have trouble accepting so much generosity from my parents after everything they've already done for me. My brother is still living at home and going to school, so they're still pretty heavily supporting him, and my sister is a PhD candidate living in a high cost-of-living city, and they still do a lot to support her as well. I have a very comfortable and steady income, own my own home, and I'm completely financially independent from them at this point in my life. They've already given me so much to get me where I am today, to the point where I doubt I can ever truly repay them, so I am just having a hard time accepting the unnecessary generosity.

Oakleypoozles · May 2016

@shamrocandroll

I see where you are hung up and why I just don't think you should be. Allowing her to do that is really more for her than it is for you and it doesn't make you any less financially independent. As long as your mother isn't one of those people who are going to say like "I did this for you so you owe me this" or use it as a way to take control of other aspects of your life. Like if this is a gateway thing to following you around step for step and living her life vicariously through you and convincing you to do things her way with everything it's a different story. If this is just something that she is really uppity about and it causes her great distress and her solution doesn't hurt you it just makes so much sense to allow it. You will have SOOOOOOOOOOOO many other things during your pregnancy and as you become a mother. You are going to be overwhelmed with the unsolicited advice and if you think things bother you now with this just wait until an aunt or something gives your kid a Coke and tells you why they should be allowed to have it or when an in-law decides that the style you chose for your child is ugly and proceeds to buy and dress them in a new style or something lol. Or when someone decides to take your child for their first haircut and is like whoops my bad didn't know lol. My point is unless I'm missing something I promise you in the scheme of things this is small beans even when hormones are crazy. You need to save your sanity for later because trust me it's only gonna get worse lol

Something about becoming a mom says please please tell me everything I'm doing wrong and why I'm a terrible mother... because everyone is going to bombard you even people you don't know at stores etc... You gotta start making choices now so you don't go crazy lol

Even if your choice is to tell her blatantly no and that you don't like my advice... it's honestly a good start because hesitance is just going to cause you problems. Don't worry, you get used to it though and you'll figure it out.

shamrocandroll · May 2016

@Oakleypoozles All valid points. I ultimately let her have this one because it is something I will actually benefit from and will use/enjoy. My fear is if I stand up to her on this too much, she'll pick something else that I don't want/need. She did say she's hoping she's not overstepping her bounds, and that doing this for me would be an honor to her. You're right. Small beans. I'm mostly just worried I'm going to love this service and absolutely NEED it after pregnancy, and we're supposed to be cutting things out of the budget, not adding more in, haha!

Oakleypoozles · May 2016

I'm so happy to hear that it worked out. I'm also happy to hear she used the words "overstepping her bounds" it shows a certain amount of respect that I'm sure you're happy to hear to! Hopefully everything keeps going well

jenesiso · May 2016

Whenever I feel bad about what I'm eating, I forget about it and splurge on some crispy cremes. Lol...no matter what you eat, how perfectly you do everything in your pregnancy, you never know what may or.may not.happen. I know plenty of people who never strayed off the straight and narrow and lost their baby, meanwhile I work with a lady who ate anything she wanted AND smoked heavily throughout her whole pregnancy and had a gorgeous healthy baby girl. So eat organically sure...or not.

campbaby76 · May 2016

So as a mama with an autoimmune disease I totally get where she is coming from. I have often thought that it sucks to have this disease but if my kid ever got one I'd be devastated.
Its also part of the cycle of grief with these diseases, you feel like you have to blame someone or something so you blame yourself or the way you lived or ate or worked or whatever.
i say let her do this, unless she can't afford it. If you can eat all the fruit give it to friends.

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