MIL has no boundaries!

mrscammack · May 2016

This is kind of a rant but I'm looking for advice on how to handle this too. My MIL has this awful habit of waking up DD every time she stops by and the baby is sleeping (not accidentally either, always intentionally). For some reason she seems to think that she's entitled to have "awake time" with my daughter despite the fact that she's napping or tired and about to go down for a nap. She's done this a few times and DH has spoken with her about the fact that DD needs sleep and if the baby is sleeping when she comes over, shame about your luck but leave the baby alone! Well last night when DH was in the shower (just got home from work) she pops by unannounced and I have to answer the door holding the sleeping baby because she was napping on me at the time. MIL says "oh I know she's probably asleep I just wanna give her a kiss". She looks at DD in my arms, who is stirring because I moved and she's trying to settle again, proceeds to decide she's "waking up" and takes her from me. Then starts bouncing her around, talking loudly in her face and when DD starts crying says, "oh she must be teething". No she's not, she's tired. I told her DD was tired (she kept insisting baby must be hungry) and took DD back from her and she left.

My issue is, she doesn't listen when DH tells her something (like don't wake the baby) or if she does she'll listen for a few weeks then go back to doing what she wants. And I really don't want to deal with it on my own because I know she won't listen to me and then I'm going to get a reputation as her nasty DIL who won't let her spend time with her grand daughter (clearly though if there's no other solution I will do whatever is necessary to take care of my daughters needs). I guess I'm just curious how do you ladies deal with in-laws interacting with your kids when you don't agree with what they are doing? Do you speak up and risk offending them/causing drama or leave it to SO to handle? Any advice on what you'd do to handle my no boundaries MIL?

middy411 · May 2016

Unfortunately (or fortunately), my in-laws are the great ones! They listen and try to treat DD the way they know we want. It's MY parents (mom) who doesn't listen and does whatever she wants even when we ask her not to do something or to do it a certain way. I have a feeling I am going to have many come-to-Jesus talks with my mom over the lifetime of my motherhood. The hard part for me is that my DD is the EIGHTH grandchild. So I'm afraid my mom has had lots of practice doing whatever the heck she wants. She's actually proud of it! My sister-in-law (married to my bro) feels the same way I do so I'm hoping she and I can stick together for sanity. But I will be voicing my objections to my mom. I will do so for my SIL as well bc I know she feels awkward since my parents are her in-laws. In your situation, I think you need to rely on your husband to keep communicating to her in a stern way on issues that arise. It's not fair for the DIL/SIL to fight those battles with their MIL bc like you said, they end up looking like jerks. Best of luck! Family is hard.

mrsc12414 · May 2016

My mil is very set in her ways and her ways are not my ways . We've never but heads until the baby came. She disagrees with my desire to breastfeed ..at first I was staring her then I am over feeding her.. Blah blah blah. She is loud and always in babies face and baby cries and my mil says it's because I never talk to my baby (are you kidding me?!?) she refuses to babysit unless I feed formula and I work nights so a few hours would be really helpful she thinks I'm mean for transitioning baby to crib (she's too big for her basinette she's 14 lbs) the list goes on and on . But my hubby is a mamas boy and won't say anything .. It's put a huge strain on our marriage

mwmiller4 · May 2016

Oh man. That would drive me insane. I hate confrontation and am also pathologically honest (I still get an icky feeling whenever I tell even a white lie) and would definitely have my husband start the conversation with his mom about it. First, the random drop ins have to stop if you're not ok with them. Could he frame it in a way that because of his work schedule/the baby's schedule/something else reasonable that won't make her feel like she's being attacked, you just can't handle having people drop by. He can be really nice but firm and say that it's just "too much" and if she wants to see the baby (and you'd LOVE her to see the baby!) to call so you can arrange a time in the next few days. If you think it's necessary, have him tell her you won't be answering the door because it's cutting into the limited time you get as a family. You hopefully won't have to go as far as not answering the door/having DH answer the door and say "I'm sorry. We just can't have you over right now. Its not a good time. Why don't I call you later tonight and we can talk about a better time?" Or putting one of those "sleeping baby. Do not ring bell. call xxx-xxxx" on the door, but be prepared to stick to your guns. You're essentially modifying her behavior by setting limits and following through.

You may want to be totally proactive (and avoid a power struggle altogether) and schedule a weekly visit instead (when DH will be around and possibly when you know the baby will be awake). That way, she'll feel like she's involved and gets to see the baby but you will have more control over the setting and your poor daughter can sleep!

ashton2190 · May 2016

While I agree with pp's, if your MIL wants to take your sleeping baby out of your arms and you don't want her to, don't let her. Literally turn away from her and say "I just got her to sleep so would you rather come back tomorrow when she's awake so you can see her? I can call you when she wakes up from her morning nap." It's your baby and no one has the right to take her out of your arms without your permission

shupertj09 · May 2016

You should let your DH continue to address this, he is her child and nothing will ever change her love for him but your relationship with her doesn't have that kind of security. Don't be the bad guy, let your husband. Maybe your MIL needs to call ahead since she can't respect when your DD is sleeping. Or you could post a "baby napping" sign on your door and if she drops by and the sign is up then she'll need to visit another time because you aren't accepting visitors (and won't be answering the door for anyone). Just come up with a plan with your DH and he needs to explain it to your MIL and then enforce it with her. I have a difficult MIL and my best advice is to not let her start fights between you and your DH and to remember your DH (and soon your DD) love her very much.

robinj716 · May 2016

Your MIL sounds just like mine. She woke DS up one day then said oh sorry for waking him but I just wanted to see him. Like wtf?! She always tells me how he's hungry or cold or how we shouldn't hold him up and let him stand on his feet because it's going to cause his legs to be deformed or how we need to put lotion on his face for dry skin, etc. She picks up DS and practically yells into his face speaking in Spanish all this mumble jumble. It's so annoying. I usually only try to let her visit with DH is home because he will tell her to stop or what not.

ldemeris · May 2016

mrscammack said:

This is kind of a rant but I'm looking for advice on how to handle this too. My MIL has this awful habit of waking up DD every time she stops by and the baby is sleeping (not accidentally either, always intentionally). For some reason she seems to think that she's entitled to have "awake time" with my daughter despite the fact that she's napping or tired and about to go down for a nap. She's done this a few times and DH has spoken with her about the fact that DD needs sleep and if the baby is sleeping when she comes over, shame about your luck but leave the baby alone! Well last night when DH was in the shower (just got home from work) she pops by unannounced and I have to answer the door holding the sleeping baby because she was napping on me at the time. MIL says "oh I know she's probably asleep I just wanna give her a kiss". She looks at DD in my arms, who is stirring because I moved and she's trying to settle again, proceeds to decide she's "waking up" and takes her from me. Then starts bouncing her around, talking loudly in her face and when DD starts crying says, "oh she must be teething". No she's not, she's tired. I told her DD was tired (she kept insisting baby must be hungry) and took DD back from her and she left.

My issue is, she doesn't listen when DH tells her something (like don't wake the baby) or if she does she'll listen for a few weeks then go back to doing what she wants. And I really don't want to deal with it on my own because I know she won't listen to me and then I'm going to get a reputation as her nasty DIL who won't let her spend time with her grand daughter (clearly though if there's no other solution I will do whatever is necessary to take care of my daughters needs). I guess I'm just curious how do you ladies deal with in-laws interacting with your kids when you don't agree with what they are doing? Do you speak up and risk offending them/causing drama or leave it to SO to handle? Any advice on what you'd do to handle my no boundaries MIL?

This. This is my MIL to a tee!

MississippiCatfish · May 2016

Use her name when you say no. It helps you feel/makes you sound more authoritative, which will give you confidence. Rather than, "I just got her to sleep so I think I want to hold her for now" say, "Mary, I just got her to sleep. I'm going to hold her for a while." If I start with someone's name, I feel more confident and it helps me spit out the rest of what I need to say with more authority.

nbc2015 · May 2016

My MIL is hard to handle too. Except she is very passive aggressive about everything, and I never feel like she trusts my judgment as a mother. Because of that, I felt it necessary to address her (rather than my husband). After doing so, I worked to create some distance between us (not answering every text in minutes-- letting it go days sometimes without an answer, and not initiating conversation). Since then, things have gotten much better. I think creating some distance has worked wonders for her starting to respect boundaries. Now whenever I see her, she is on her *best* behavior. It might work for you too. In my opinion, I think your addressing it (rather than your husband), might be more effective. She knows she will always have a relationship with her son regardless of if she does/does not listen to his requests, but as a PP said, your relationship doesn't have that security. I don't see that as a bad thing, though. I think you can use that to your advantage. She might take the requests more seriously if they come from you.

Miss Lilac · May 2016

If she's not listening to your husband I'd definitely go mama-bear on her. But that's just my personality. My baby's needs will always trump my MIL's desire to hang out with him, I feel like that's my job - and if that makes me a bad DIL then so be it. Taking him out of my arms would. Not. Fly. But neither would the unannounced visits. That needs to stop. Forcing her to schedule visits would be a great first line of defense for you.

VitaLuna · May 2016

Have the conversation again, and let her know that if she comes over and baby is asleep, that you won't be passing the baby over (or getting LO up from the crib, etc). Next time she comes over and wants your sleeping baby, don't pass her over! It's hard/awkward at first (I have to do this with my grandparents), but it gets easier and it's what you need to do.

You can also ask her to call before coming, but even if she doesn't agree to that right away, she'll start doing it if she's wasting time coming over to a sleeping baby she can't hold.

mrscammack · May 2016

Awesome advice ladies thank you. I'm going to start enforcing the no dropping by rule as suggested by a few people here and make sure she schedules all visits with us before hand and DH and I have decided if she drops by unannounced when DD is sleeping we won't answer the door, DH can always tell her we were napping with baby as well and didn't hear the door so it comes off as less offensive to her. Also the "evening is our family time" reason would probably work too since she knows DH is gone 14hrs a day and has very limited time with DD and I and he
should get her all to himself.

I do think I'm going to let DH deal with setting up the boundaries initially and will only step in when it's necessary. I am going to stand my ground the next time she tries to take DD from me even if it's awkward. When I took baby back from her last night she made a snide comment about "mommy not wanting to share" but I can handle the passive aggressive attitude what I can't handle is an unhappy baby. I know I'm not the only one with passive agressive/pushy in-laws so it definitely helps hearing how you ladies handle things

blueberrymomma · May 2016

My MIL is great lady but she too has no boundaries. Since this is baby #2 for us DH has gotten better about telling her no or not to do things. But he still tends to go easy one her when she oversteps. The worst is if I call her out on anything she acts like a victim to everyone else; for example at my SILs wedding last year she tried to take A screaming DD(flower girl)out of my arms. And when I told her no let go of her, she cried to everyone that I was ruining her daughters day. Umm no I'm trying to console my daughter so she'll walk down the isle and not ruin the day.
She left for vacation this week and wanted DH to bring the kids over at 8pm so she could say goodbye. Not only were they both in bed/going to bed but a) she spent a few hours with them the night before b) she told us she would stop over but then changed her mind because she had people over and c) was drinking. She also did the same thing on her birthday last month but had other people do her dirty work of calling and harassing us to bring the kids over late.
My only real advice is to be consistent in rules for your kids and make sure DH is supportive of your decisions involving your child. Perhaps ask her to text you before coming over. (I did that with mil and it last 2 weeks but maybe it will be better for you)

Latina211508 · May 2016

If I don't like something, I speak up immediately. At times I have spoken to my husband after the issue and he will talk to his mother about it to keep things calm. But honestly after having 4 kids, I will not let anyone do anything I dislike. I have only had issues with my MiL in the past. She takes everything the wrong way so I've learned to just deal with the after math. But she knows how I am. They're our kids and I will do as I like. I also would advise you have her text before coming over. I highly dislike people who come over unannounced. If MIL ever tried to take my baby out of my arms awake or asleep she would have hell. I think someone should always ask or wait to be asked.

robinj716 · May 2016

My MIL called my SO last night and Said "Just reminding you that Sunday is Mother's Day and I am your mom."

Seriosuly, WTF?!

She told him she was making food and we could stop over just to eat so He said to me that we can stop over there to eat and he said it would be an hour max, it's never an hour with them but I told him ok as long as we aren't there all day.

I told him that his mom has had her mothers days all these years and this is my first and I want to have my day, not to mention i spent my day off last Sunday with them at my house and now I will only get to spend one day off with SO and Son since he works Saturday and I have to go back to work Monday. he got mad at me for saying that and then said well you can't burn bridges with people that you might need help from in the future, then told me to just stay home by myself while he took the baby to his moms if that was how I was going to be.

lately, I feel like I'm always second to his mom, like he's more worried about keeping her happy then he is about me and my feelings or concerns. He doesn't put me first and say well it's your Mother's Day so let's make it special for you, he's more like well we have to keep my mom happy because one day we might need her help.

haylyr · May 2016

mrscammack said:

I know I'm not the only one with passive agressive/pushy in-laws so it definitely helps hearing how you ladies handle things

Agreed! We had trouble just like this with my mom early on. She seems to have turned a corner now, but I'm awaiting a relapse. I'll be sure to revisit this thread whenever that happens!

blueberrymomma · May 2016

@robinj716 I totally understand how you feel on mothers. DHs extended family all lives near by so he feels like we need to visit his grandparents for lunch and his mom for dinner. Im over here like what about me and my mom, he's learning though. I also refuse to go to my mils for Mother's Day anymore. 1) it's ALL about her 2) on my first Mother's Day she said "we're not going to awknowledge you since SIL is having fertility issues" I literally sat there all nite with 20 people and no one said happy Mother's Day to me and mil got EVERYONE else a card and flowers but me. It might sound silly but thinking of it still makes me cry....I mean you only get one First Mother's Day and I felt cheated out of mine. Best part of it is she pretends it never happened!

mrscammack · May 2016

@robinj716 I would be livid! I definitely don't expect the entire day to be about me but if DH said he was taking my baby to his moms for Mother's Day and I could stay home I'd lose my shit! Luckily my mom invited us over way before MIL mentioned anything so we have plans with my family but I'm sure MiL will call tomorrow morning telling us she's making dinner and to come over and be pissed when we say we have plans. like yes, she's still DHs mom and I'm not saying he shouldn't see her but I'm the mother of his kid so I'd for sure expect some consideration as well!

robinj716 · May 2016

Thanks guys, I was starting to feel like I was being selfish, so nice to know others agree. I think it's the way she said it that irritated me, I felt like she was just dismissing the fact that I'm a Mom now. I have agreed to stop by there quickly and I sure hope my SO sticks to that. I'm not even going to be seeing my mom for Mother's Day.

indigirl1 · May 2016

Not selfish at all I totally understand how you feel. I too have been wondering if I am overreacting & out of line with my inlaws who sound very familiar to yours. I have started to get really anxious when we are seeing them. My father inlaw is more so the issue. He constantly wakes our son up every time he sees him and then over stimulates him (only last night when we were out for dinner my son was asleep in the pram, he then woke him & started dangling a toy in his face. I witnessed this & told him to pls stop he needs to sleep which my husband told me later he had already had words with him about it). Every time my son is near them he starts to cry because he is so over stimulated so my FIL then dances and bops around the room with him & won't give him back to me to calm. He just won't listen or take no for an answer by either my husband or I and to make it worse when I say something to him my MIL laughs & thinks it's funny what her husband is doing. He now thinks there is something wrong with my son because he cries so much! Thing is he is literally the calmest baby, he just chills out and is a really good sleeper. I find him a very easy baby. Except when he is around them & once we leave he continues on as a nightmare & I'm left to settle him. My FIL started to ring me every afternoon to see if my son cried much that day! So strange. Sorry I have just done my rant on your post. Haha. I am possibly overreacting but it's really been playing on my mind & I dread their visits. But my suggestion is to try stick to what you want & feel is right, I think once we start letting them walk all over us they will continue to do so & at the end of the day we are the parents.

MIL has no boundaries!

Re: MIL has no boundaries!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards