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September 2015 Moms
jwebb0512
member
STM moms...Dealing with a threenager!
jwebb0512
member
I posted this on the 24 month+ board, but thought I'd give it a shot here, too, for any STMs looking to offer advice! DS is 3 1/2 and we've been having MAJOR problems with behavior recently. Our biggest concern is that whenever we ask him to do something, he screams, 'No!'. We've tried time-out, but he doesn't stay put, so we have to keep taking him back or sit in with him and pretty much hold him in time out. If he does stay, he kicks/hits the walls, screams, hits us, etc. We don't start time until he stops those things, so he usually ends up in time-out for 30+ minutes. We've tried moving him to where he can't get to the walls, but then he gets up and goes to the wall to hit or kick. We've tried giving him choices, but he usually won't make a choice and just gets mad he can't have exactly what he wants when he wants it. We've tried taking toys away when he he won't pick up, but that doesn't phase him. Today, I told him he could pick up or I would take his grocery cart and groceries and he replied, 'OK, take it.' I always set a timer and give him warnings as transitions get closer and that doesn't make any difference. DD is 7 months and they get along great. We've never had a problem with him until recently, so I don't think it's sibling rivalry, but we are making a greater effort to carve out big bro time. I'm desperate at this point. I don't know what else to do. The thing that gets me is that whenever we go somewhere (speech therapy, Doctor, etc) they all talk about how sweet and well behaved he is. I know it's typical for kids this age to assert independence and test boundaries, I just feel like a horrible failure because I feel like I'm handling it all wrong. Please, anyone, offer advice...any advice!!!
Re: STM moms...Dealing with a threenager!
If she doesn't pick up, her stuff goes in a trash bag. That got her moving. I just recently started a choir punch card and she really likes that. But No, I hate you, worst mommy ever etc etc and door slamming is a daily norm. Just a lot of consistency, patience and Zoloft and this too shall pass.
1999- Dx Prolactinoma
8-25-2012 - Lucas born via C-section at 38 Weeks 2 days
Pick up toys-I will help pick up, but if I'm doing it all, I warn that she needs to help or I will keep them. If I have to pick up by myself, it goes into the rotation bin (in a room she can't access). I found as the toys dwindled, she took better care of them. Now I keep them very minimal.
For choices, I offer ones equally acceptable (green beans or peas? Red shirt or blue shirt?), but when I need her to do something-I don't phrase it as a question. It's time to tidy up, please pick up your blocks. Its time to go, please find your boots.
M is generally sensible and helpful, but the attitude flashes out sometimes and always shocks me. Threenager is such an apt term!
With DD @ first, time out wouldnt phase her she would be like "okay ill go to time out".(she was about yours sons age when she was like that) But i would still put her in time out . & with time, the more she spent in time out, she realized she was missing out on free time to play & realized looking @ the wall wasnt fun. 2 weeks ago she kept saying "NO" to me so i said to her "okay keep telling me no & im going to add one minute for each "NO" i get from you to your original 5 minutes". She told me NO literally 17 times in a row. So she got 22 minutes of time out because she thought i was playing. She cried & complained that she wasnt getting any free time & i told her that her actions got her there. That if she didnt want time wasted in time out that she had to stop telling me no & stop talking back.She hasnt been in time out since & hasnt said no to me.
Is there something he absolutely loves that you can take away even if its not a toy? I take away DDs tablet, then tv time & then shes sent to bed early as a last resort.
I read somewhere on pinterest where this mom was having a hard time getting her boys to clean up clothes off the floor(changing clothes 4-5 times a day). & what she did was send them to bed 5 minutes early for each piece of clothing on the floor. Maybe something like that. My daughter gets 3 chances to get her act together before shes sent to bed early.
Also one other thing i do is pull her aside & hug her & have a talk with her. I ask her how shes feeling & why. I also tell her why i dont like that behavior & why she shouldnt do it. Then i ask her how shes going to fix it & how i am going to help her.
I know its hard to give more than 1 child attention. DH had to give DD a lot of extra attention because i was so busy with the twins in the beginning but what she really needed was me. DD is amazing with the boys but has hard days with me. So even though your son is amazing with your baby girl its not that he feels resentment towards her but with you. I tell you because thats how i felt when i had the boys DD, has been amazing with them shoot even when i was pregnant always kissing & talking to my belly. But when i had them she started talking back, didnt care what i said would cry & scream the whole package. But the moment i would tell hubby to take the boys & i spent time with her alone her attitude started changing. I believe once you carve out that time for him youll see a change. He just wants his mommy
Sorry for the long post & i hope things work out soon.
Distraction works until they're like five years old, sometimes longer. Take him outside and go for a walk or do something mildly engaging with him, even if he's totally freaking out. When you're calm, he'll calm down (eventually).
As far as actually getting them to pick up their toys or complete other chores...I've got nothin'. Three is a little bit young to expect that to happen consistently, IMHO. You kind of have to ride it out; every kid matures at a different pace. My 10-year-old and 9-year-old are better about their chores than my 11-year-old, but even this can change from day to day.
George (3)
Does he have a lot of energy he needs to get out? Can you make picking up toys like a "race"? Put all the toys on one side of the room and the toy bin on the other. Then race him to see who can get the most toys in the bin first. The baby might have fun watching you two run back and forth!
Could he do jumping jacks instead of time out? Or can he have a choice between one or the other? Maybe 20 jumping jacks or run in place for 20 seconds and then he has to sit. You could have a "Jumping Corner". He has to stay in one place and jump. If he doesn't do it its not a big deal, but it's a challenge. Maybe he'll end up just standing there despite you, but then he's putting himself in time out.
It just seems like kids have so much energy that they need to get out. Picking up toys and sitting in time out just don't use enough of that energy...so it comes out in other ways. ie "NO!"
Good luck!! This too will pass
I also wrote down some fun activities for us to do on strips of paper and put them in a mason jar, things like go the library or go out for pancakes. As he got a certain number of stickers he could pull an activity out of the jar as a reward. The rewarding of positive behavior made a big difference for our kiddo, but man this three year old business is NO JOKE!! I still have days where I just want to run away from home!