Help!!

katythelady22 · May 2016

My daughter is 8 months old and wakes up every 30-60 minutes at night. She was a great sleeper who put herself to sleep well until about 4.5 months. But now neither of us ever sleep. I have no idea what to do anymore. I am so miserable and angry from lack of sleep and I feel so angry towards her because she won't sleep, then I feel so guilty that I'm angry. This is the worst!!! My husband wakes up at 4am for work so he can't help me, and she EBF and won't take a bottle.

I'm so mad because I did absolutely everything I could to set her up to be a good sleeper. I made sure to not comfort nurse. I put her down drowsy but awake from the time she was born! I didn't use a bunch of sleep crutches to soothe her, she was swaddled but I weaned her off that very slowly when the time came.

We've tried so many things, different kinds of sleep training to get her to sleep but nothing works. I feel like the worst failure ever!! And people constantly ask me "does she sleep thru the night yet?" NO. she doesn't. She sleeps 1000x worse than she did when she was a new born. I feel like either I am doing something really wrong, or maybe she has something wrong with her?? I really don't know. And my Dr is useless! I live in a small community in Canada where it's not easy to just get a second opinion either.. I feel so trapped.

I have no idea what to do. Sorry for the rant, I just really needed to vent...

Livvyloo87 · May 2016

When she wakes, what is she like and what do you do? E.g is she upset or happy to see you and does she feed?

I would think that barring any medical cause, which I can't comment on, that this is a carry on habit from the four month sleep regression. ESP since she was sleeping through previously. If I were you, I would dedicate a week to sleep training and would use verbal reassurance. Essentially, you just go through your bedtime routine and put her in bed, when she wakes leave her for a couple mins to see if she resettles. If she does not, pop in her room only about half way to the cot and just say something like "time for sleep, see you in the morning" then leave for ten mins. Keep repeating this increasing the length of time between going in.

Doing this, you should expect to see her settling better after four days. You need to be consistent and not break and pick her up, rock her etc. While this does involve crying, you sound at breaking point and I think you need to tip the bandaid off for hopefully a relatively quick fix.

If you are not into crying, try just picking her up and not rocking her but just holding her then placing her down in the cot. This may go on for a while and she may realise that she's not going to get anything from you by waking up so she just will sleep through.

try rule out any medical reason for the waking as well as temperature, anything that may be affecting her sleep (e.g noises or light). Good luck!

CaboBride2015 · May 2016

Is she actually awake? My LO makes a ton of noise in her sleep or cries out if her teeth are bugging her. I can tell the difference in sound so if she's just "talking" I leave her to settle herself. Sometimes she just rolls to her side or finds her pacifier.

cmlsu · May 2016

Ideas:

introduce a lovey. My child won't take a pacifier any time except bed. We got a wubbanub with a stuffed animal attached and she loves it. I also have a little blanket with a monkey head that she'll wake up and play with that helps her entertain herself when she's woken up that helps her get back to sleep.

Teething? Give a dose of motrin about 30 minutes before bed.

Sleep training. I did a modified cry it out. It worked for us. Find a method you're comfortable with and give it a try for a week. Don't give up after 1 day, but you can make adjustments.

Blackout curtains? No night light?

Temperature. Is she warm enough?

Depending on what time it is... go get yourself a coffee or pour a glass of wine momma. Sorry you're going through this.

ElleMF728 · May 2016

Waking up that often at this age usually indicates a sleep association meaning that something happening at bedtime is throwing you off and creating problems. Can you go through her bedtime routine and a typical daily schedule so we can troubleshoot?

DS2 was having frequent "extra" wakes throughout the night, we fixed bedtime and now he only wakes once to eat. It's a miracle. Another thing to think about is that your response to an early(ish) wake can essentially "reset" bedtime.

laurapaine2003@yahoo.com · May 2016

You sound like me 1 month ago. I hit my breaking point, my LO never slept more than 2-3 hours since birth and we hit 6 1/2 months of that. I did all night wakings. There's only so much a person can handle for so long. I bought the Ferber book and read the whole thing in one night, you can skip a lot because some of it deals with older kids. It seriously changed my life, after three nights she was a completely different baby. Since that time she now sleeps 11 straight hours. It appeared for her that a lot of it was separation anxiety and that I had created a monster by nursing her to sleep and giving her a pacifier all throughout the night. I was completely against the Ferber method but that's because I only thought I knew what it was, once I actually read the book I have become a very big converted fan. If you read the book and still don't want to try it that's one thing but I really highly recommend you at least give it a shot of reading it and then make a decision. I do not recommend trying Ferber or modified Ferber without reading the book.

I work full-time and do 99% of all baby stuff for her so I was being run into the ground and thought I was seriously dying after months of it. It was affecting my health and my marriage my job and my friendships. Now I feel like a human again and my 7 1/2 month old has never been better, her mood has changed drastically now that she's getting good sleep.

I completely empathize with you, I was at my breaking point too and it seriously messed with my head, I would sit there and really resent my daughter because of it - you know you've been pushed to the brink!

Sleep training is such an individual thing, and no one knows what's right for you but you so whatever decision you make will be the best one! But I just wanted to share with you my experience in case it would help. I will say that we tried the Ferber method without reading the book 1st and it was a complete miserable failure, I think you really really really do need to read the book and be 100% on board and within 3 to 4 days you'll see a major change. She was waking up upwards of 10 times a night and now we don't hear a peep out of her until morning. I never thought this was possible, I never thought we would get to this point, I was in such a deep depression over not sleeping all night and just knew it was going to be hell for the first two years of her life. Now I'm refreshed, feel great, started working out again, get 8-10 straight hours of sleep per night, my marriage is 100% better, etc.

I will say that I really wish we never had to sleep train, I was always very against that from the little that I knew of it. But I'm telling you that I reached a breaking point I never knew was possible, I didn't even recognize myself anymore, and once I started resenting my daughter and getting really upset with her during the day I knew that it was time to make a change after half a year straight of never sleeping. Maybe if my DH had gotten up with her at night to help it might've changed things who knows. But it came down to the wire and things had to change! Best decision for our family.

good luck to you, I seriously know what you feel like right now and it's AWFUL. I'll be thinking about you. You can get through this - there are lots of options other than sleep training too - I know you'll find a solution and things WILL get better!!

ElleMF728 · May 2016

Another thing to add: I had been putting DS2 down drowsy for months but it turned out that he was not awake ENOUGH. Once I started doing that most of our problems went away.

wannabeamongoose · May 2016

katythelady22 said:

And people constantly ask me "does she sleep thru the night yet?" NO. she doesn't.

So I have no advice, because baby isn't sleeping through the night here either, but can I just say that this question drives me insane. Does baby sleep through the night? No. Wanna know why? Because he's a baby.

I can't for the life of me figure out why other people are so concerned with our babies sleeping habits. Heck, I'm a grown adult and I often wake up at night to a) get a drink of water, b) pee, c) get comfortable, d) make my dog stop laying on my face, etc. If most grown adults don't sleep completely uninterrupted through the night, why do we expect babies to. When people ask that question, as if it's totally normal for a 6-9 month old to sleep 12 consecutive hours every single night, it only makes things harder for the parents who are feeling sleep deprived. As if they are doing something wrong. Congrats to the families who have peacefully sleeping babies all night long, but the reality is that at this point a lot of babies just don't sleep through the night. Best case scenario, some nights we will have it all figured out and other nights will seem like a nightmare. The sleep questions from outsiders just drive me crazy.

katythelady22 · May 2016

When I go in she is wide awake, I don't go in if she just fusses I go in only if she is full on crying/screaming. She is usually kicking her legs and crying. And she usually gets escalated to this point very quickly. The odd time she will go back to sleep.

I don't think it's teething, I did at one point but it continued after teeth popped thru.

When she went thru the 4 month sleep regression I was so careful to consistently put her back in her crib drowsy but awake, I didn't add anything to her sleep routine to help her sleep, so I'm not sure what I did wrong.

At bedtime I bring her in her room, turn out the lights, turn on her fan, feed her, then put her in her sleep sack, give her a million kisses lay her down and walk out. Sometimes I rub her back or Pat her bum. She went to sleep well for a while like this but suddenly stopped! My hubby goes in and rocks her if she starts screaming but lays her down again while she is still awake. When she wakes up I try not to go in unless I need to as I said above. But she starts waking up about an hour and a half after bed time. And I will shush her, if that doesn't work I'll pick her up and rock her. most of the time the process repeats every half an hour until I give in and nurse her.. In that case I can sometimes get a 3 hour stretch...

@laurapaine2003@yahoo.com .... Your story seriously gave me hope. I ordered the book as soon as I read what u wrote hahah. It was even on sale (fate!!) We tried the Ferber method before but I had only read about it, not actually read the book. So I will read it and retry. I seriously hope it works!!! I want to be happy and enjoy my time with my girl, not stressed and sleep deprived

@Lizlann right?!?! Even worse.. People ask me "so is she a good baby? Does she sleep at night?" ... No she doesn't sleep at night but she's not a bad baby, she's actually awesome. As are all babies. How are those two thing connected?!?! Yeesh.

Thanks for the responses and ideas ladies it really means a lot!!!

katythelady22 · May 2016

ElleMF728 said:

Another thing to add: I had been putting DS2 down drowsy for months but it turned out that he was not awake ENOUGH. Once I started doing that most of our problems went away.

That's interesting... How did you figure that out? So is he wide awake when you lay him down?

hlb8179 · May 2016

laurapaine2003@yahoo.com said:

You sound like me 1 month ago. I hit my breaking point, my LO never slept more than 2-3 hours since birth and we hit 6 1/2 months of that. I did all night wakings. There's only so much a person can handle for so long. I bought the Ferber book and read the whole thing in one night, you can skip a lot because some of it deals with older kids. It seriously changed my life, after three nights she was a completely different baby. Since that time she now sleeps 11 straight hours. It appeared for her that a lot of it was separation anxiety and that I had created a monster by nursing her to sleep and giving her a pacifier all throughout the night. I was completely against the Ferber method but that's because I only thought I knew what it was, once I actually read the book I have become a very big converted fan. If you read the book and still don't want to try it that's one thing but I really highly recommend you at least give it a shot of reading it and then make a decision. I do not recommend trying Ferber or modified Ferber without reading the book.

I work full-time and do 99% of all baby stuff for her so I was being run into the ground and thought I was seriously dying after months of it. It was affecting my health and my marriage my job and my friendships. Now I feel like a human again and my 7 1/2 month old has never been better, her mood has changed drastically now that she's getting good sleep.

I completely empathize with you, I was at my breaking point too and it seriously messed with my head, I would sit there and really resent my daughter because of it - you know you've been pushed to the brink!

Sleep training is such an individual thing, and no one knows what's right for you but you so whatever decision you make will be the best one! But I just wanted to share with you my experience in case it would help. I will say that we tried the Ferber method without reading the book 1st and it was a complete miserable failure, I think you really really really do need to read the book and be 100% on board and within 3 to 4 days you'll see a major change. She was waking up upwards of 10 times a night and now we don't hear a peep out of her until morning. I never thought this was possible, I never thought we would get to this point, I was in such a deep depression over not sleeping all night and just knew it was going to be hell for the first two years of her life. Now I'm refreshed, feel great, started working out again, get 8-10 straight hours of sleep per night, my marriage is 100% better, etc.

I will say that I really wish we never had to sleep train, I was always very against that from the little that I knew of it. But I'm telling you that I reached a breaking point I never knew was possible, I didn't even recognize myself anymore, and once I started resenting my daughter and getting really upset with her during the day I knew that it was time to make a change after half a year straight of never sleeping. Maybe if my DH had gotten up with her at night to help it might've changed things who knows. But it came down to the wire and things had to change! Best decision for our family.

good luck to you, I seriously know what you feel like right now and it's AWFUL. I'll be thinking about you. You can get through this - there are lots of options other than sleep training too - I know you'll find a solution and things WILL get better!!

This was my experience almost exactly. We did more Weissbluth than Ferber per our ped's recommendation but similar concept. We are now the biggest sleep training advocates!

katythelady22 · May 2016

@hlb8179 how's does that method work?

mamae1520 · May 2016

Hi! Your reply is really helpful. Which edition of the Ferber book did you use?tx

ElleMF728 · May 2016

katythelady22 said:

ElleMF728 said:

Another thing to add: I had been putting DS2 down drowsy for months but it turned out that he was not awake ENOUGH. Once I started doing that most of our problems went away.

That's interesting... How did you figure that out? So is he wide awake when you lay him down?

He is wide awake when I lay him down at this point. I actually have to give him his bedtime bottle downstairs in the living room where it is busy or he becomes too drowsy during his bedtime routine. This is just my perception of what you have said BTW, but the difference between what was working before and what isn't working now is likely object permanence. It is a developmental milestone that all infants go through around 6 months (or so) and linked to separation anxiety. Basically what that means is that LO expects her sleep environment when she wakes in the MOTN to be exactly the same as the environment she fell asleep in. When you are in her room shushing and patting when she falls asleep but not when she wakes it necessitates you coming back in to her room to essentially recreate that environment each and every time overnight. Waking 90 minutes or so after bedtime can often be a sign of it.

This is an awesome overview of object permanence and why it can become a problem. I really recommend reading through it and seeing if you think that might be what you are dealing with.

https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/

ETA: It's also commonly thought that if you go in for an early wake and soothe LO to sleep then that THAT becomes "bedtime", that is the environment you will have to recreate because it is too close to bedtime for LO to distinguish the difference.

Kelliek327 · May 2016

We also did Ferber method and read the book first. It worked great for us, and I am glad you are reading the book before attempting it, I highly recommend it. There is a lot of good information on how to handle wakeups and why being consistent and not giving in is so so important.

At the same time we started sleep training I also started feeding LO downstairs in the living room before taking him up to his nursery for sleep. Previously I had been nursing him to sleep in the rocking chair in his room and I wanted to break that association completely. I believe it helped a lot. By the time we take LO upstairs he's usually sleepy but eyes still open/awake. If I let him get too drowsy before putting him to bed he will usually not sleep as well. I occasionally have to take his bottle away even when he's not finished with it if I see that he's starting to doze off in order to ensure I get him to bed awake enough.

Currently he sleeps 11-12 hours straight at night. Before sleep training when there was a point when he was up every 45 mins and I had to hold him for every nap. I never thought he would sleep through the night, but it IS possible! I hope Ferber works as well for you as it did for us. Good luck!

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