Hospital visitors question

emma+karen · May 2016

When DS was born we lived far away from family and so had no visitors in the hospital other than one close friend who stopped by briefly to see the baby and bring my wife some dinner. This time, if baby arrives on schedule, my mom will be here already (to watch DS while we're at the hospital) and my ILs are only 2 hours away, so I'm sure they will come to the hospital while we're still there.

My question is, what's an appropriate amount of time to expect visitors to hang out at the hospital? I've shared before that my FIL especially is very socially awkward and makes me uncomfortable. I won't deny him the chance to visit, but I also really don't want him hanging around staring at me awkwardly as he tries to figure out how to make conversation (which is usually how visits go with him). DS of course will also be coming to see his new brother and I don't want him to get bored.

So I guess my question for those who've had hospital visitors post-partum before is, how long did they hang out in your room? And did you need to kick anyone out, or did they leave on their own?

SunnySurprise · May 2016

We've had a couple of visitors after DD arrived and what I recall I'd say they stayed around an hour, two tops. Usually DD getting fussy, me looking tired or someone coming to check in on us made them leave to give us some alone-time. I wouldn't say anybody over-stayed their welcome, but then again most people who came by were very understanding of our need to rest up.

JennyS86 · May 2016

Things are different this time around for us as well. When the twins were born, they went to the nicu, and DH's large, extended family all came to visit over the next 2 days. Looking back, I was overwhelmed, but I wouldn't have changed anything because we weren't sure the twins were going to survive, and we wanted our family to meet them.
This time around, I am more than happy to allow family visitors, but I told DH that I would prefer visitors once we get home because I will be working on breastfeeding and healing from a c-section while in the hospital. I also think the twins will benefit from visitors at home that can give them some love too - or, the visitors can hold the baby and I can spend time with the twins. My family is out of town,and I told him to absolutely let his immediate family visit the hospital, but I would prefer aunt, uncles, cousins, etc wait until we get home. He is not completely on board, so I have to decide when to put my foot down.
In your case, would it work to kick people out at feeding time? I know my FIL would be so quick to leave the room as soon as I unsnap my nursing bra...That way, hopefully visitors won't stay more than 2hrs or so.
I hope we can circle back to this discussion in a month or so and see what worked or didn't work for us and our LOs.

Jenly17 · May 2016

Last time around, I had a slew of visitors, but no one stayed more than an hour. My mom and IL's came to visit both days that I was in the hospital, but they were pretty keen on when I needed time to myself. I plan on breastfeeding this LO, so I anticipate wanting peace and quiet in my room when it's time to feed, which will be often. For me, nursing is/was a great excuse to politely ask your visitors to leave if they already didn't get the hint

NinnyJean · May 2016

I have this concern with my MIL, she tends to not pick up on the social cues of when is appropriate to leave. I've talked with DH a few times to make sure he understands that she's not welcomed for hours on end

thismakes4 · May 2016

I've had a couple different experiences. With my first, there were so many visitors and they were there for a long time. DH and I didn't even think about discussing how long people should be there but people were just really happy and excited for us. And I personally would rather have people come and visit in the hospital than at my home. I host a lot from home so I would feel really weird sitting and nursing while I had "guests" over... stupid train of thought I know.

I think most of my visitors were there for maybe 1-2 hours which was fine for us. Like PP have said most people end up leaving when the nurse comes in to check up on you, baby needing to feed, or general tiredness. I had to have DH kick his family out after a few hours though (first baby) I was just so tired and really messed up from birth and they don't take hints very well. If you're worried about it maybe your wife can let people know when is a good time to visit or help to tell your visitors that you need to rest after a certain amount of time. Also, having grandparents around for older children can make it a lot easier on you and more of a family bonding time.

This time I only expect to have a handful of visitors since we live so far away. My mom and brother because they are watching my kids and like 3 friends max. FIL and MIL will probably come up around 2-3 weeks PP. Most of our family and friends won't see the baby until July when I go to SoCal to visit them for a few weeks.

okcountrygirl · May 2016

I'm not sure what our exact plan is but I think we are limiting it to only immediate family. My parents and two sisters, my mil, fil and sis and bro in law. The place we're delivering only lets two people in the room at a time anyways so I don't want a line of people waiting. Once we get home and settled I'll let some our close friends come by to visit.

gemini2005 · May 2016

okcountrygirl said:

I'm not sure what our exact plan is but I think we are limiting it to only immediate family. My parents and two sisters, my mil, fil and sis and bro in law. The place we're delivering only lets two people in the room at a time anyways so I don't want a line of people waiting. Once we get home and settled I'll let some our close friends come by to visit.

We are doing the same. The last thing I want to do while recovering from childbirth is entertaining people. My extended family knows to give us space in the beginning so they won't be visiting us at the hospital. We will have everyone come visit when we feel up to it. Our close family will be there at the hospital for quick visits though.

rlworzalla · May 2016

We live about 1.5 hours from all of our family, and while our immediate family and maybe my aunt will be visiting at the hospital, most are perceptive to the cue of "we need time alone". That being said, my doctor and the nurses have openly stated during appointments and the hospital tour that if we would like someone "kicked out", that they are happy to do it. I'm not sure if it's something you would like to look into, but even a "looks like mom could use a nap" coming from a nurse rather than you or your wife might be enough to make them understand? Though I don't know these people as well as you. Just an idea

hellogoodbye2 · May 2016

What's "appropriate" is whatever you and your wife feel comfortable with. Be it 10 minutes, an hour, a day, etc after baby is born.

For us we didn't have our immediate family visit until about 2 hours after birth. We had visitors in and out over our hospital stay. Our nurses told us they would have no problem being the bad guy and kicking out visitors so don't forget to use them if needed!

Pascal86 · May 2016

I was initially thinking I just wouldn't have any visitors in the hospital at all since they say on average moms only stay at ours for 24-36 hours after delivery, and I thought I might as well just have people visit me once I'm home. But someone pointed out that once you're at home, visitors might feel more like they can come hang out for a while and make themselves comfortable, whereas in the hospital there's not really anything to do and it's probably not quite as nice of a place to hang out for too long, so visits might naturally be shorter.

I don't have a lot of people I'm thinking of having to visit in the first week at all though. My parents will be there for the delivery, and beyond that probably just my sister, so I'm thinking I'll just have her come visit me in the hospital and then not worry about anyone until I've recovered for a week or two.

kbrands7 · May 2016

I agree that whatever is appropriate depends on your comfort level. So far, the only visitors who have stayed longer than 20-30 minutes have been my mom who brought our son to mwet his brother aND getc Mama cuddles. They didn't even stay much longer than that because a hospital room isn't a very fun place for a 2yr old. I'd say that feeding times are a natural time to kick out visitors-- or initiating skin to skin time. Both are important for baby and in my experience, visitors don't care to hang around for these things.
Edited wording

DanandVan · May 2016

I had the best nurse ever who told me, "If you want me to give visitors the boot just ask me if it is time for you to take more Tylenol." I used it when half my in-laws church showed up (I know, crazy...) and she very politely let everyone know visiting hours were over.
Can you set up a secret code with your nurse? It keeps you from being the bad guy

Bellodomani · May 2016

@DanandVan Ugh this was me at my last birth too- my FIL and husband are both pastors and there were waaaay too many people who seemed to view my baby as some sort of communal church baby. I thankfully also had a great nurse who ushered a lot of people out when I gave her a pleading look.

As for OP's original question- last time we didn't tell hardly anyone except close friends when I went into labor, and we didn't tell anyone at all that baby was out until I had already gotten 2 hours of skin to skin, nursed him, etc. He was born at 5:00 am, which was helpful too because people were waking up around the time we were ready to let everyone know. He had high bili levels so I had to nurse him pretty frequently, which made for a convenient excuse to kick people out after 30 min- 1 hr. I usually just said, "Thanks so much for coming by to meet baby! It's about time for me to feed him, but we'll text you with any updates." That was usually enough to get people out the door

emma+karen · May 2016

Thanks everyone. I'm worried about too many people, as it will really only be just grandparents and DS coming to the hospital, but I AM worried about ILs overstaying their welcome in my hospital room. The nurses at the hospital when I toured seem really supportive of what mom wants, so I will probably recruit my nurse to kick them out. Last time around my FIL walked in on me nursing (I think it was a legitimate mistake) and rushed right out of the room, so I am hoping that feeding and skin to skin will make them go away as well. I probably also just have to woman up and say, "I need some down time now. Thanks for stopping by." But I always feel like such a bitch.

Unrelated to birth but a situation that exemplifies FIL: Christmas Eve wife and I were assembling DS's big gift, a bouncing horse, and I had been really clear that I wanted the two of us to assemble it alone, from us to DS. We were perfectly capable of doing it. FIL hovered over us (like, I had inches of personal space) the whole time, even after dropping hints like, "FIL, you could help by keeping the cat out of the way," or "Really, we've got this, thanks." I hate that he doesn't take hints and that I feel like I have to get nasty to get him to move along.

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