Early Baby Shower

Burtalert · May 2016

My husband's aunt wants to throw us a couples baby shower over Memorial day weekend, when I'll only be 19 weeks. A lot of out of town family will be in town, so it makes it very convenient for their side of the family. I know this is much earlier than you usually have a shower! Is it okay since it is out of convenience for others, or should I suggest she tries to find another time? Ideas or suggestions?

LizaKate1213 · May 2016

In my family we don't decide when our own showers are and they are usually a surprise. I would say it would be in poor taste to request a different day, especially if it is convenient for many of the guests.

mothernorth · May 2016

I agree with PP, the time of your shower is determined by your hostess. It may be early, but it's what works for the guests and that is what is important.

coffee89 · May 2016

I would probably go for it if you feel ready. Another option is a books and diapers/wipes party and then a smaller shower later on.

coffee89 · May 2016

But I agree with the others that you should do something if your host is planning it that way. I don't find it rude to nudge into a theme, especially if you don't think you'll have a registry together or if people are traveling will they really want to travel with a gift?

I had mine around 36 weeks, which is apparently really late but it was the best possible weekend for my hosts and for most of my guests.

von1976 · May 2016

My classmates are organizing a shower for me before the end of the semester, since I won't be with them next semester. I agree that the timing of your shower is up to your hostess. Dress to accentuate your bump and be gracious!

Burtalert · May 2016

Thanks for all the great advice! When I told my co-workers about the early shower, all they could say was how you should never have one that early! Glad to see other people don't think it is a big deal. I'm just happy to have such a generous host!

queen_frostine · May 2016

I think it depends on how much it bothers you. If it's really going to be stressful to you to have a shower earlier, then say something. If you're cool, go for it.

ibabyloveb87 · May 2016

As long as you're ready, I don't see why it matters when your shower is. It's exciting they are ready to celebrate you and your little one!

FemShep · May 2016

coffee89 said:

I would probably go for it if you feel ready. Another option is a books and diapers/wipes party and then a smaller shower later on.

Ugh, no. Just no. Certainly have a shower at 19 weeks if that is convenient for the host and guests, but please don't have a themed shower and then another one later.

You should never dictate what a guest should purchase as a gift. Book or diaper showers are rude because they specify a certain type of gift. That's not nice. (And before you object, registries are suggestions. A book or diaper shower is pretty much a requirement.)

Also, except for the grandmothers-to-be, no one should ever be invited to more than one shower. "Hi! First buy me diapers, which are boring but expensive, and then come buy me another gift later on!" Nope nope nope nope.

Mamabeagle · May 2016

I am not superstitious but I don't think having a shower before your A/S is the best idea. You are able to decline a shower without being rude if you aren't ready. If she truly wants to throw you something she will do it later, and if not, such is life.

NicholeL16 · May 2016

Personally, I say go for it. Im so eager to have things ready for our little one. If family/friends are excited about baby and want to celebrate early embrace it!

coffee89 · May 2016

FemShep said:

coffee89 said:

I would probably go for it if you feel ready. Another option is a books and diapers/wipes party and then a smaller shower later on.

Ugh, no. Just no. Certainly have a shower at 19 weeks if that is convenient for the host and guests, but please don't have a themed shower and then another one later.

You should never dictate what a guest should purchase as a gift. Book or diaper showers are rude because they specify a certain type of gift. That's not nice. (And before you object, registries are suggestions. A book or diaper shower is pretty much a requirement.)

Also, except for the grandmothers-to-be, no one should ever be invited to more than one shower. "Hi! First buy me diapers, which are boring but expensive, and then come buy me another gift later on!" Nope nope nope nope.

I came across wrong. I'm a huge proponent of the "no one should expect diapers or gifts" camp. I meant more like if this really sucks and is only for one side of the family and the only option for a not ready momma is this. It's socially acceptable for dads to have a diaper BBQ and wives to have a shower and plenty of people end up with two. My "idea" was more towards if she was going to end up with two events that don't overlap.

I'm not even into showers to begin with so I did mine to appease my host and I was grateful for what I got. however, what if she has the things/only needs big items? Asking for books from someone who is going to feel obligated to bring a gift isn't rude. I can ask for books and clothes for a kids birthday but not my unborn kid's shower?

And before you say registries are a suggestion, when is the last time you saw someone walk into a shower empty handed when a registry was sent in an invite? That would be considered rude in todays society.

samkins · May 2016

I say do what you feel comfortable with. My mom is hosting mine but I chose the date and the theme, we will be joint plannning. I see no issues with you/moms expressing an opinion and preferences. Be grateful to the host of course, but that doesn't mean you have to be silent and go with whatever

FemShep · May 2016

coffee89 said:

FemShep said:

coffee89 said:

I would probably go for it if you feel ready. Another option is a books and diapers/wipes party and then a smaller shower later on.

Ugh, no. Just no. Certainly have a shower at 19 weeks if that is convenient for the host and guests, but please don't have a themed shower and then another one later.

You should never dictate what a guest should purchase as a gift. Book or diaper showers are rude because they specify a certain type of gift. That's not nice. (And before you object, registries are suggestions. A book or diaper shower is pretty much a requirement.)

Also, except for the grandmothers-to-be, no one should ever be invited to more than one shower. "Hi! First buy me diapers, which are boring but expensive, and then come buy me another gift later on!" Nope nope nope nope.

I came across wrong. I'm a huge proponent of the "no one should expect diapers or gifts" camp. I meant more like if this really sucks and is only for one side of the family and the only option for a not ready momma is this. It's socially acceptable for dads to have a diaper BBQ and wives to have a shower and plenty of people end up with two. My "idea" was more towards if she was going to end up with two events that don't overlap.

I'm not even into showers to begin with so I did mine to appease my host and I was grateful for what I got. however, what if she has the things/only needs big items? Asking for books from someone who is going to feel obligated to bring a gift isn't rude. I can ask for books and clothes for a kids birthday but not my unborn kid's shower?

And before you say registries are a suggestion, when is the last time you saw someone walk into a shower empty handed when a registry was sent in an invite? That would be considered rude in todays society.

1) Diaper BBQs for dads aren't socially acceptable in every circle; they certainly aren't in mine.

2). Mandating a specific gift *for any occasion* is rude. Doesn't matter what the gift or occasion is-a child's book birthday party is just as rude as a diaper shower. People should be able to give you the gift they choose, and feel no pressure to do otherwise.

3) Registries are a suggestion because I'm not expected to buy only a gift from the registry when I attend a shower. I can, and often do, choose a different gift. But when you have a shower around specific type of gift (books or diapers, or doing the "book instead of a card" thing), you're pressuring a guest to buy a specific type of gift, and that's rude.

queen_frostine · May 2016

I disagree that book or diaper showers are rude. While neither are necessarily cheap, they are certainly cheaper than I would usually spend for a shower gift, and I think are a good way to do a "sprinkle" if you want to celebrate a second child or something. You're not obligated to show up. I do think multiple showers with the same group of people are greedy, and I consider inviting the husbands to one to bring a gift and the wives to another as double-dipping.

MRSCORKER · May 2016

To weigh in on the specific present type showers... I just went to a "sprinkle" for a friend who is having her second. Her first was a girl and her second is a boy. The other friend who hosted the shower put on the invite that presents were not expected as she already has everything she needs but you can bring your favorite childrens book. It was a really nice gathering, just a couple of hours to celebrate the new baby and people spent no more than $10 on a baby book. I thought it was nice. It didn't feel gift grabby at all.

coffee89 · May 2016

Bbqs, diaper parties etc are socially acceptable in some circles and are growing in popularity.

Books parties are no different than writing on your 4 year olds bday invite that they don't need toys but would love experience gifts (and yes, that IS socially acceptable even if you don't like it, and no you don't have to listen to the request).

Social norms differ. I wouldn't dream of naming a child something like Kar-leigh but somewhere that is okay and I don't have to like it.

[Deleted User] · May 2016

coffee89 said:

Bbqs, diaper parties etc are socially acceptable in some circles and are growing in popularity.

Books parties are no different than writing on your 4 year olds bday invite that they don't need toys but would love experience gifts (and yes, that IS socially acceptable even if you don't like it, and no you don't have to listen to the request).

Social norms differ. I wouldn't dream of naming a child something like Kar-leigh but somewhere that is okay and I don't have to like it.

This isn't about social norms. This is about etiquette. Etiquette doesn't change depending on the part of the country or the social circle. Telling people what they need to buy you is rude no matter what.

I would be so irritated if I got sent a birthday invite that told me that I should buy a specific kind of gift.

NoraAurora · May 2016

This thread has taken two different directions.

To address the OP: 19 weeks is really early to have a baby shower. I won't get into sad TW type stuff, but it's out there (and hell, it's happened to me).

To address the "gift" topic that strayed: While its certainly rude to tell someone to buy you a certain thing, I think it's a dick move to be like "I know you say you need diapers but I think you need a blanket instead." Or etc.

krzyriver · May 2016

antoto said:

coffee89 said:

Bbqs, diaper parties etc are socially acceptable in some circles and are growing in popularity.

Books parties are no different than writing on your 4 year olds bday invite that they don't need toys but would love experience gifts (and yes, that IS socially acceptable even if you don't like it, and no you don't have to listen to the request).

Social norms differ. I wouldn't dream of naming a child something like Kar-leigh but somewhere that is okay and I don't have to like it.

This isn't about social norms. This is about etiquette. Etiquette doesn't change depending on the part of the country or the social circle. Telling people what they need to buy you is rude no matter what.

I would be so irritated if I got sent a birthday invite that told me that I should buy a specific kind of gift.

Who says it doesn't change? I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I've found that with weddings/showers/etc there's traditional etiquette and then there's more modern or laid back ways of doing things. If you're a traditional person, that's fine. But I think what is considered "appropriate" for social events and what is considered "rude" totally depends on the person and their social group.

And I guess I don't really get being irritated by a gift suggestion either. I'd rather buy something someone needs then something that won't get used or will be returned. Isn't that kind of the point of a registry? To tell people what you want them to buy? Obviously they don't have to follow it... I tend to buy a couple things from a registry and then something that I picked out personally... I guess I just find it strange that you're supposed to make a registry but you can't ask for specific gifts. Lol.

krzyriver · May 2016

As to the original post, if you're comfortable with it and you can get your registry ready in time, go for it! I personally wouldn't because of my history and it would make me uncomfortable. Like I was jinxing it. Which is weird because I'm not superstitious at all. Lol. But if that's not an issue, then enjoy the day with your family!

FemShep · May 2016

krzyriver said:

antoto said:

coffee89 said:

Bbqs, diaper parties etc are socially acceptable in some circles and are growing in popularity.

Books parties are no different than writing on your 4 year olds bday invite that they don't need toys but would love experience gifts (and yes, that IS socially acceptable even if you don't like it, and no you don't have to listen to the request).

Social norms differ. I wouldn't dream of naming a child something like Kar-leigh but somewhere that is okay and I don't have to like it.

This isn't about social norms. This is about etiquette. Etiquette doesn't change depending on the part of the country or the social circle. Telling people what they need to buy you is rude no matter what.

I would be so irritated if I got sent a birthday invite that told me that I should buy a specific kind of gift.

Who says it doesn't change? I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I've found that with weddings/showers/etc there's traditional etiquette and then there's more modern or laid back ways of doing things. If you're a traditional person, that's fine. But I think what is considered "appropriate" for social events and what is considered "rude" totally depends on the person and their social group.

And I guess I don't really get being irritated by a gift suggestion either. I'd rather buy something someone needs then something that won't get used or will be returned. Isn't that kind of the point of a registry? To tell people what you want them to buy? Obviously they don't have to follow it... I tend to buy a couple things from a registry and then something that I picked out personally... I guess I just find it strange that you're supposed to make a registry but you can't ask for specific gifts. Lol.

Etiquette, at the end of the day, is about making sure other people feel comfortable. Etiquette embraces the idea that your guest's needs should come before your own. That fundamental principle does not change, it does not go out of style, and it does not become more laid back or appropriate.

And that's why etiquette is never, ever ok with requesting a specific type of gift. It places an undue burden on the gift giver, instead of expecting the person receiving the gift to smile and offer heartfelt thanks for the gift, no matter what it is.

Perfect example from my own experience: I had just started a new job, and was told the night before about a "book shower" for a new coworker. If it had been a normal baby shower, I would have gladly contributed to a group gift, or simply purchased a $20 gift card at one of 10 stores on my way home from work, or stopped by the Baby Gap a mile from my house on my way home. But NO. It was a book shower, and if I had done any of those things, it would have made the other people who spent $5-$10 on a book feel very uncomfortable. So I had to stop at the book store 20 minutes out of my way because I had to give a very specific type of gift. That type of experience was a huge pain in the butt, and that's why it's rude to dictate a specific type of gift-no matter what your modern or laid-back way of doing things might think.

krzyriver · May 2016

FemShep said:

krzyriver said:

antoto said:

coffee89 said:

Bbqs, diaper parties etc are socially acceptable in some circles and are growing in popularity.

Books parties are no different than writing on your 4 year olds bday invite that they don't need toys but would love experience gifts (and yes, that IS socially acceptable even if you don't like it, and no you don't have to listen to the request).

Social norms differ. I wouldn't dream of naming a child something like Kar-leigh but somewhere that is okay and I don't have to like it.

This isn't about social norms. This is about etiquette. Etiquette doesn't change depending on the part of the country or the social circle. Telling people what they need to buy you is rude no matter what.

I would be so irritated if I got sent a birthday invite that told me that I should buy a specific kind of gift.

Who says it doesn't change? I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I've found that with weddings/showers/etc there's traditional etiquette and then there's more modern or laid back ways of doing things. If you're a traditional person, that's fine. But I think what is considered "appropriate" for social events and what is considered "rude" totally depends on the person and their social group.

And I guess I don't really get being irritated by a gift suggestion either. I'd rather buy something someone needs then something that won't get used or will be returned. Isn't that kind of the point of a registry? To tell people what you want them to buy? Obviously they don't have to follow it... I tend to buy a couple things from a registry and then something that I picked out personally... I guess I just find it strange that you're supposed to make a registry but you can't ask for specific gifts. Lol.

Etiquette, at the end of the day, is about making sure other people feel comfortable. Etiquette embraces the idea that your guest's needs should come before your own. That fundamental principle does not change, it does not go out of style, and it does not become more laid back or appropriate.

And that's why etiquette is never, ever ok with requesting a specific type of gift. It places an undue burden on the gift giver, instead of expecting the person receiving the gift to smile and offer heartfelt thanks for the gift, no matter what it is.

Perfect example from my own experience: I had just started a new job, and was told the night before about a "book shower" for a new coworker. If it had been a normal baby shower, I would have gladly contributed to a group gift, or simply purchased a $20 gift card at one of 10 stores on my way home from work, or stopped by the Baby Gap a mile from my house on my way home. But NO. It was a book shower, and if I had done any of those things, it would have made the other people who spent $5-$10 on a book feel very uncomfortable. So I had to stop at the book store 20 minutes out of my way because I had to give a very specific type of gift. That type of experience was a huge pain in the butt, and that's why it's rude to dictate a specific type of gift-no matter what your modern or laid-back way of doing things might think.

I understand that you need to respect your guests. But what is respectful and what makes your guests feel comfortable totally depends on your group of friends and family. Mine wouldn't care about a lot of things that you might find inappropriate. I personally don't care at all what people want to do, even if it's not something I would have done. If I'm uncomfortable for some reason, I don't go.

LGW2015 · May 2016

Honestly, the only part I find rude in that story is the fact that you found out about the shower the night before. My friends had a request for books instead of a card for their shower and I thought it was a very cute idea, one that I wouldn't have thought of but was happy to do. I didn't find it as a "rude demand" and I don't think anyone did. I also think it makes complete sense to have a "book" or "diaper" party for a sprinkle. If there was no registry I would be confused as to what to bring. And specifying books is actually way cheaper than a typical gift so I don't see it as being rude at all.

I don't think it's as clear cut as you're making it seem.

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