NBR - Frustrated... need advice

yellowrose314 · May 2016

Ok... backstory (apologies for length). About 9 months ago, DH's brother and girlfriend split up due to the fact that BIL found out she had been doing hard drugs, mainly cocaine and prescription opiates. She had been going out more and more at night and lying about where she had been, even went so far as lying that a close friend was in the ICU so she could get away for a weekend. They have a 5 year old daughter together. I won't get into all the shitty things she's done, but it was enough that he kicked her out after she acknowledged she'd been doing drugs and lying about it, and refused to get help. She took their daughter with her and moved in with her parents, and because DN was with her when the went to the preliminary hearing in family court, the court left DN with her until the first hearing, which was devastating to all of us considering what she was doing. DN started showing up to school looking unkempt, dirty, not wearing proper winter clothes, and one of the teachers alerted the Ministry (of Children and Families, like CPS). Even with the Ministry's involvement, the judge granted 50/50 custody to BIL and the girlfriend, so BIL has her a week on, a week off. After the first couple of weeks at her moms, she came to BIL with a yeast infection from not being bathed regularly. It was heartbreaking. BIL ended up getting a court order for drug testing the girlfriend, but he has to pay out of pocket for it, and for a hair follicle test which are more accurate for long term drug use, it costs $400.

Now, MIL has been very involved with this whole situation. BIL works full time in construction so she stayed with him to help take care of DN for about 2 months. He pays for the rent for the former family home, which is expensive, plus before and after school care (even when she's with her mom, who doesn't work even though she's able to), clothes and groceries (even when she's with her mom), and child support. So the $400 to get her drug tested which could possibly come with results that would give him full custody is so beyond his reach it's not even funny. MIL proposed that since DH and I live closest, we could pay for the test. This is where I get frustrated

I love that little girl more than words can say. She is the closest niece/nephew to us geographically and so we've bonded with her very strongly. It breaks my heart what she is being put through and what she is having to endure with her mother's drug abuse. That being said, DH and I are not doing well financially at all. We have been living off my student loans and his salary (which is crap) since January, and now loans have run out and we're having to take money out of our RRSP (similar to a 401k I believe) just to pay rent. BIL is family, so is DN, and I want to help them as much as we can but $400 out of our budget would break us. DH felt that we should pony up the cash and BIL could pay us back, but 1.) BIL NEVER pays anyone back and 2.) if he did, it wouldn't be for a while since he's so financially strapped that he can't afford it in the first place. DH understands this but feels guilty, and talked to MIL saying we couldn't afford to pay that for him, so she guilted him into agreeing to pay half the amount. I'm frustrated because we are not the only family who live close. He has 2 other brothers here, plus her, why does this fall only to us? I feel guilty saying that because I want whats best for DN, but at the same time I'm not prepared to cripple us financially, more than we are, to pay for this. I suggested that everyone contribute $50 for the test, and MIL told DH that I was being selfish, and "of course it doesn't hit her how serious this is because this isn't HER family and that this was for a good cause. I have always thought of DH's family as my family too, I love each and every one of them. Yes, I agree, it is for a good cause, but again, why do we have to be the only ones contributing to this? It's her child and grandchild as well, why is she not able to help? She claims because she's on disability she can't afford it. Meanwhile, other BIL's say they are just fine about chipping in $50 to help out. But now I'm the asshole because I don't think it's fair that this should fall to us. DH is torn, because of course it's family. I sat down with him last night and we looked over our money situation and he can see that $200 is not going to happen, but $50 is doable. But he feels guilty because his mom is making him and me feel like shit for not giving more money.

If anyone has an advice I would really appreciate it. Although DH is standing up to his mother as much as he can, he's still struggling with this as well.

TL;DR: BIL's girlfriend is drug addict, need $400 for drug testing, MIL wants us to pony up the money to give him for it, but we can't because we're financially unable to.

Mommato4blessings · May 2016

I would just give him the amount that you can afford and tell him I want to help but this is all i can afford right now, and everyone else has agreed to chip in money to help with the niece.

nativetexan512 · May 2016

I am rarely in favor of loaning family money, and especially being guilted into doing so. This may sound harsh, but if your MIL is that insistent on making it happen, maybe she should pay?

There has to be another way to help your BIL and DN like occasional babysitting, taking over a home-cooked meal, offering to grocery shop for him, spending time with her at a park or movie, shopping, errands, etc. Maybe you could look for a charity or church that would help cover the testing fee? Maybe they could get on a payment plan?

Definitely a rough spot to be in, but you've gotta stick up for your family and what you can do financially. Is this a one time thing, or will there be more she/they will ask for in the future? Might need to put your foot down now.

Thscary · May 2016

I think it's crazy that your MIL expects you and your DH to front the entire cost, especially since you have a baby on the way and are just finishing school. I would reiterate that you suggested 50 dollars because it's all you can reasonably afford at this time. Hope it all works out for the sake of your DN

jhems776 · May 2016

I have similar thoughts as @nativetexan512 , never loan just give if you can. I'm also worried this will not be a one time thing. If you can giving 50 sounds very generous, maybe say let me know when you have the other $350 and will give the last 50 then to underscore that this is a big deal and isn't easy.

SuperFudge00 · May 2016

Give what you can knowing you won't get it back. I would also setup a gofundme or something. I'm not s fan but people set these up for the most asinine things that this should be within reach.

Also, I don't understand this court system. They should pay for at least the first test. If it's positive it's up to them to continue testing or remove parental rights.

However, I also think that $400 is peanuts for the safety of your niece. I bet BIL owns something worth $400.

AnnaS930 · May 2016

I only skimmed through as I'm about to leave work for the day.. but "since you live closest" you can pay? Checks do just fine in the mail, and I'm pretty sure Western Union still exists as well as plenty of ways to pay people over the internet (PayPal, etc). Distance is not a reason for you guys to front that whole bill. I'm surprised he has to pay for this even though it's court ordered but I'm no expert on the situation. I sincerely hope it works out for your BIL and moreso for your niece, wherever the best place for her is. As for you guys paying up $200 when it's not feasible.. it's not a possibility right now. I like the idea of putting forth the final $50 so it's obvious that this is all you can afford and really it's a stretch and only can put it forward if this is absolutely happening with support of others.

ab920 · May 2016

Rule of thumb: without a contract, you are never loaning to family, only gifting. With that said, give what you can, if any, and tell them that's all you can afford.

I'm a big believer in never mixing family and money (without a contract). It's a slippery slope...tread lightly.

Edit to show I'm not mean: my husband and I pay for his grandmother's maid to come weekly, but we do so knowing (1) we won't get anything back in return and (2) we likely won't get a thank you. However, I consider that a "service," rather than us just loaning money.

yellowrose314 · May 2016

Thank you everyone. I had a very frank discussion with MIL today (she called, DH was at work and she was very insistent that "we get this whole situation figured out"). I basically told her that because I'm just finishing school, and we have a baby on the way, and we're living on one salary, we are not able to pay for half, but are willing to chip in $50 to help as that's what we can afford. She put up a bit of a fight, tried to insinuate that we weren't thinking about the best thing for DN to which I shut that down reallllllly quick. Basically told her that it was unfair of her, considering this was her child, to put all the onus on us just because we live the closest, and that other members of the family are willing to help out as well, so us paying all or most of it is moot anyways. In no way do we expect or would expect him to pay this $50 back. She finally relented and thanked us for our contribution and that she would organize a money transfer with everyone else as well. I still have a feeling this isn't the last I've heard of this. MIL isn't too happy with me right now since I put my foot down about not allowing her to gift us with a chicken pox contaminated blanket from her neighbours kid because "natural immunity is safer than vaccines". Ugh.

Also found out that BIL did not ask for us to do this, this was all MIL's idea; BIL has no idea she was trying to organize this. He is not one to ask for things like this. That's not to say he won't appreciate the help, but I'm not really surprised that MIL was the one to start this whole mess.

KimmySchmidt · May 2016

I completely fail to see how location is relevant. Who gives a shit if you live closest? It's not like money spoils if it has to travel long distances.

I probably would have said, "I have to keep an eye on my finances so that I can pay for the things my child needs. Perhaps you should do the same." Because I'm a huge bitch. (Thank God I don't have a crazy MIL.)

Cricket Bug · May 2016

I am also confused about why he is required to pay this bill. Would he be willing to contact the local MP to raise that issue? I don't know about your area, but ours is very much an advocate of the community members. Another option if this looks like a long term issue of funds, maybe a community driven fund raiser/craft and bake sale? Maybe my 'small town' is showing, but we regularly have these events at the public school/community centre to raise money for local families in special circumstances. I am really glad that you have talked to your MIL about sharing the cost of the test, but this can't become an ongoing expectation if you are already that tight yourselves.

yellowrose314 · May 2016

Cricket Bug said:

I am also confused about why he is required to pay this bill. Would he be willing to contact the local MP to raise that issue? I don't know about your area, but ours is very much an advocate of the community members. Another option if this looks like a long term issue of funds, maybe a community driven fund raiser/craft and bake sale? Maybe my 'small town' is showing, but we regularly have these events at the public school/community centre to raise money for local families in special circumstances. I am really glad that you have talked to your MIL about sharing the cost of the test, but this can't become an ongoing expectation if you are already that tight yourselves.

@Cricket Bug I believe that the initial urine drug screen ordered by the court after the first hearing was paid for by the court, but she had advanced notice of it so predictably it was clear. The court ordered that unless the Ministry ordered surprise drug tests (which they can do at their discretion), BIL had to pay out of pocket if he wanted one done, which would also be administered with no prior notice so she wouldn't be able to cover her ass like she did the last time. The hair follicle test is not the standard used through the courts here, so it costs a lot extra, at least that's my understanding. He doesn't live in a small town, he lives about an hour away in a much larger city.

She called DH last night when he got home from work, again complaining and (he put her on speaker without her knowing) basically said that I was "strong arming" him into doing less or contributing less. God bless my man, he told her that it was a decision we had come to mutually, and she needed to stop assuming that anytime he disagrees with her that I somehow have manipulated him. He also phoned all of his siblings and explained our side, and sure enough she'd been going around telling everyone that I was a manipulative harpy who didn't care about BIL or DN. This is quite the turn in our relationship, we used to get along really really well. Apparently after I told her in no uncertain terms that her anti-vax ideas were not going to fly in our house, I'm the enemy.

Cricket Bug · May 2016

Okay, I think I understand more now. That just sucks so badly when all he is trying to do is protect his daughter. Arg. I am so sorry that he is going through that.

Tell your MIL that you will contribute half, but can you borrow $150 from her? I would have a hard time keeping my cool with someone like that, and think you are handling it really really well. I get ragy on your behalf reading that. If she can't understand your need to put your family (as in you DH and baby) first, she is daft.

AnnaS930 · May 2016

@yellowrose314 I'm just here to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this.

diagonalley · May 2016

This situation sucks and I'm glad it seems to have some sort of resolution. I'd honestly wash my hands of this particular incident and move on. If MIL happens to bring it up, just say you did the best you could under the circumstances and don't give her any more than that.

UnwritteN12 · May 2016

I'm really glad to see that you were able to have an honest discussion with your MIL. The only thing that I can contribute to this is really my thoughts and prayers for your DN, BIL and you guys. I hope that things can get straightened out soon!

mrsl0429 · May 2016

@yellowrose314 I am also here to say I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds to me like you are being practical, reasonable and doing what is best for your immediate family. Please, please, do not let someone else make you feel bad for trying to be responsible. (It's helped me in the past just to hear someone else say this in a situation like this, I hope it helps you.)

Your MIL sound incredibly presumptuous, and I'm so glad to hear your DH is standing up for you and your family. The poor guy has to feel like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Best of luck with the situation - would love to hear how it turns out (if you are comfortable telling) and I'll be praying that it all works out with your niece. That little girl deserves better than that.

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