Becoming a mom without a mom

scostel2 · April 2016

Hi all,

I thought this thread might be a good place for those of us who don't have mothers of our own to talk about becoming a mom without your mom, and any feelings/struggles we might be facing with other soon to be moms who understand.

My mom died almost 7 years ago from breast cancer. We were really close and she was a great mom, so I feel lucky to have had the 22 years that I did with her. I think now that I'm pregnant I miss her more than ever. I just wish I could call her up to talk about some of this stuff, or to help plan my baby shower, or to have her give me advice. I also can't help but feel a little bit of a punch in the guy when I read bumps about people complaining about how their moms are annoying. I totally get it, if my mom were still here I am sure she would drive me nuts sometimes, I just can't help feeling jealous.

Any one else dealing with this? Any specific milestones/moments during pregnancy that have made the loss harder? Anything special you are doing to honor your mom or keep her memory close during your pregnancy?

kmalls · April 2016

I hope it's ok I post here -- I haven't personally lost my mom, but my husband lost both parents before we had kids and I've seen what he's gone through. The toughest parts for him emotionally were getting our BFP (last pregnancy and this pregnancy) then the actual birth. We've kept his parents close by putting framed pictures of them in DS's nursery so he'll grow up knowing what they looked like, and we also laminated a wallet-sized picture of DS and put it at their grave. For him it's the little, everyday things we can do to keep their memories alive that matter most: talking about what names his mom would like, if they'd be the grandparents to spoil them rotten with candy, etc.

I'm so sorry you're going through pregnancy without your mother, I can't even imagine what that's like. Hugs to you.

scostel2 · April 2016

Thanks so much for the reply @kmalls I think it's totally okay for you to post! The BFP was definitely a hard part for me too. I had struggled with IF so that whole process was tough without having my mom to talk to. That's a great idea about putting a picture in his/her nursery!

PCOSbaby · April 2016

This post made me cry because I'm in the same boat as you @scostel2

My mom passed away 7 years ago due to breast cancer as well. These past few months have been extremely difficult because I know she won't be here to share those first days with me or offer advice in a way that only mothers can.

I'm grateful for an amazing mother in law however as you know...it's not the same.

I went to visit my mothers grave the other day while visiting in my home town. It actually felt good to stand there and talk to her as a pregnant woman. If I'm being honest, I always thought it was silly to talk to a headstone but I was moved to do so the other day and I'm glad I did.

Thanks for creating a place for women like us to share our thoughts and feelings.

kennelchick · April 2016

Thank you for starting this thread. I lost my mom 4.5 years ago to lung cancer (no not a smoker. I hate that question, it's almost implying the person deserves it). She died two weeks after my wedding. I'm so happy that she was able to be awake and alert at my wedding. The next day she gave up and let go.

Going through infertility and the IVF process without my mom was incredibly gard, but nothing like what I feel now. Besides my husband, I didn't want to tell anyone more than I wanted to tell her that I'm pregnant. She would have been so excited, the best grandma. Going through all these milestones with ultrasounds and making it to the second trimester are shadowed by the fact that she isn't here to be a part of it.

I hear you on that it hurts to hear others complain about their mom's driving them nuts. What I would give to have her here making me nuts (because she totally would).

There is a new country song by Cole Swindel, "you shoukd be here" don't listen to it unless you are prepared to cry.

mrskratt · April 2016

I hope it's okay for me to post here as well.
My husband lost his dad 6 years ago. He was a huge part of our lives and a major part of my husbands (he doesn't really talk to his mom and hasn't for a while, she's extremely toxic).
He had begged us for a grandkid for years before he passed. When we found out we were pregnant with DD (who is now 2), it was really hard on DH. I had a teddy bear made out of his robe for our daughter. We always talk about him, bring her around his grave and keep pictures close by. On our way home from the hospital after DD was born, we brought her by his grave to "introduce" him to her. It was extremely emotional, but so special.
That Cole Swindell song gets me every time.
My heart breaks for all you ladies. I couldn't imagine. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you all IRL hugs.

GoBucksOH · April 2016

Hi ladies. Thank you for starting this thread.

I lost my mother unexpectedly 7 months ago. She knew that we were going through IVF treatments and even told me during our first cycle, during the 2WW, that she knew we were having twins. She was just SO sure. We ended up miscarrying that cycle, but 1 year later, we found out we were pregnant with twins.

I want so badly to be able to share this exciting time with her, and my father (I also lost my dad last year, 5 months before my mother). But in my heart I know that they are both very aware of what is going on and they are celebrating right along with us.

My heart goes out to you ladies, thank you for opening a place for us to share our stories & struggles.

Kaessi · April 2016

I lost my mom almost 11 years ago & miss her every single day. The past few weeks have been pretty rough, and I have cried A LOT. Anytime I get upset about pretty much anything, I immediately start missing & grieving for my mom. She had a soft, gentle spirit & could always offer unconditional comfort the way only a mother can. She's about the only person who could ever tell me, "It's gonna be okay" and I would believe her. I want nothing more than to talk to her about all these crazy fears & emotions I have and hear her tell me it's all gonna be okay. I have several of her old shirts/nightgowns/pajamas that I was thinking of having made into a blanket for our little one, I think that would be special. Hugs to all you ladies! It helps to know we're not alone.

emmaaa · April 2016

I've mentioned on here before that DH lost his dad unexpectedly in January (which is also when we conceived). FIL had always said he wanted to be the stay at home grandpa and keep our kids and couldn't wait until we had kids. On the way home from the hospital on the day he died, I remember thinking about how he would never get that (not pregnant yet). It has been tough on DH to know that his dad won't be able to watch him become a dad.

And I agree with everyone else who said that the song "You Should Be Here" will tear me up every time I hear it.

Praying for everyone who is re-experiencing the loss of a loved one during this time.

lilbabybrown · April 2016

Hope it's okay that I post on here as well...

Thinking of all of you ladies. I lost my dad to Leukemia 5 years ago and we were very close. It breaks my heart that he didn't get to walk me down the aisle or meet any of his grandchildren. He would have been an amazing grandfather! When I had my son, I wore a necklace with my father's ashes in it so that he could be with us. And my son's middle name is my father's name.

I don't know what it's like to lose a mother, and I can't begin to understand what you ladies are going through right now. All I can say is that not having a parent there for the birth of your child is difficult. It never gets any easier (we all know that). All we can do is keep the memory alive for our children - share stories, pictures, songs they used to sing. Sending you all hugs & thinking of you!!

Pupatella · April 2016

I hope it's okay for me to post here.

I lost my Dad about 6 years ago. I was a lot closer to him than my Mom and I miss him so much. I liked the idea brought up if going to his grave and talking to him. I haven't done that in awhile, but know it always brings so much peace. I know I wouldn't really ask him pregnancy advice, but there are tons of other questions I would love to ask him. Or just talk to him.

The main issue that I'm currently struggling with, is that my Mom divorced my Dad and remarried a couple years before he passed away. I was already moved out and on my own at that point, so her new husband has never financially supported me or been a father figure in my opinion. I just know that my "step dad" is going to want to be called Grandpa, and my Mom will defend him. I do not feel comfortable with that at all, and feel it would be disrespectful to my Dad. I'm just hoping that they will understand and not fight me on it. My husband and I decided, that if our child is a boy, his middle name will be my father's name.

My heart goes out to those who have lost their Moms. I cannot imagine.

scostel2 · April 2016

It warms my heart to read all these replies and know I'm not alone, even though I wish none of us had to go through this.

I really wish I had talked more about with my mom about her pregnancy experiences. I was in college when she died, so those things weren't even on my radar, and my oldest siblings are childfree by choice so it never really came up. I also want to talk to my kids about her a lot, but I feel weird deciding what they would have called her. My brother calls her "grandma" when he talks to his sons, but I know she wouldn't have wanted to be grandma (because my paternal grandmother was grandma, and my mom hated her MIL haha!).

scostel2 · April 2016

@Pupatella I'm in a similar boat. My dad remarried when I was an adult and refers to his wife as "Grandma Rosie" sometimes to my nephews. I don't have anything against his wife, but she's just not Grandma. It literally breaks my heart every time he says it. I'm going to let him know, at some point, that his wife can be Miss Rosie or just Rosie, but just not grandma. I just can't do it.

klv · April 2016

My mother died 10 years ago of metastatic breast cancer.

I am in a different boat than many if you though. My mother was manipulative and abusive. I would never have brought a child into this world if she was alive because of some of the terrible things she did to me. I could not let that happen to my child. My life is better because she is not in it. I feel free.

Hugs to you all. It is a struggle when you don't know where to go for advice. But we are all here to support each other. We can get through this!

lilbabybrown · April 2016

klv said:

My mother died 10 years ago of metastatic breast cancer.

I am in a different boat than many if you though. My mother was manipulative and abusive. I would never have brought a child into this world if she was alive because of some of the terrible things she did to me. I could not let that happen to my child. My life is better because she is not in it. I feel free.

Hugs to you all. It is a struggle when you don't know where to go for advice. But we are all here to support each other. We can get through this!

@klv - So sorry to hear your story. The only good to come out of that is that YOU will be an amazing mother! Your child will know nothing but love. Hugs to you!!

Kaessi · April 2016

Sorry to revive an old thread, but I'm struggling a bit today...I'm not sure why, but I just can't shake this sadness & this overwhelming feeling of missing my mom here lately. I keep waiting for the hormones to level out, but so far that doesn't seem to be happening. For those of you also experiencing this, how are you guys coping? Any strategies or tips that help you that you're willing to share?

Pupatella · April 2016

@Kaessi I am so sorry. I lost my Dad which is probably not the same. But I will admit that some days I just cry because he's not here, and I miss him so much. I think it's completely okay to feel however you do. Unfortunately I have no specific tips for coping other than to just let it out. I truly do feel better after a good cry.

Kaessi · April 2016

@Pupatella Thank you & I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm so grateful for the time I had, and that I had such a loving & caring mother, but I miss her so much! I imagine you have similar feelings about your dad. Hugs to you!

ashleymn-2 · April 2016

I'm both very happy I found this thread but it also breaks my heart that so many have to go through with this. This has recently become a concern for me, I didn't really think of it much before but I recently lost my grandmother who raised me. My mother is mentally ill and unable to comprehend who I am or what is going on most days and were pretty estranged (as well as my father). I never thought much of being a mom without a mom until my grandma passed (she unexpectedly passed just a week after I told her we were expecting). Then it dawned on me that I couldn't ask her for advice or share my concerns with her and it has been hard. Not to mention I think about how she'll never get to meet my little bug. My boyfriends mom is alive, but with how I was raised I am very timid when it comes to asking her about anything but I'm trying to adapt and be more open with her which thankfully she is all for.

kennelchick · May 2016

I just realized yesterday that since my birthday is 10 days after my due date, I'm pregnant almost at the same time my mother was with me (Yes it took me 15 weeks to realize this). Once I realized that I felt this extra connection to her, plus a wave of sadness and tears of not being able to share this with her.

scostel2 · May 2016

@Kaessi I wish I had more advice, but I've been going through the same thing a lot too. It's really hard. I try to think of little things I can do that make me feel closer to her but it's definitely a challenge for me too.

@kennelchick that's really sweet!

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Becoming a mom without a mom

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