Feel like I am being a bad wife

EmJ628 · April 2016

I would say DH and I have the typical trouble of man thinks about sex all the time woman much less so. This has really become an issue since our twins were born. I think it's made worse by the fact that DH works from home and it feels like every time I walk by him in the house he is groping making a sexual comment or whatever. My drive has been way down since the boys were born and he doesn't seem to understand that. We've had discussion after discussion about it and I think he feels hurt because he feels like I am not attracted to him and when we do have sex I am not into it enough. I am exhausted mentally and physically and it's been a tough adjustment for me going from a full time career that I loved to staying at home with the babies. I feel guilty and I am trying to get back into the swing of things but he is making it so difficult and I never do enough. It feels like everything is a constant fight and this is just one more thing. If you read my vent, thank you. I guess I just want to know if I am being unreasonable and suggestions for how to talk more productively with him about this.

tarheelgirl8 · April 2016

You are not a bad wife! Sex is just one aspect of a healthy marriage.

I can can definitely relate because our sex life is almost nonexistent. I'm still having a lot of pain with sex which obviously leads to me not wanting to.

My suggestion is just to try to talk honestly about it. Tell him how you feel. If you don't appreciate the "groping" say so calmly and respectfully. "It makes me feel ------ when you do that". I also try to acknowledge that it's hard on DH. I regularly thank him for being patient with me. Communication is key.

Knottie1459358632 · April 2016

We are kind of in the same boat but opposite. My husbands sex drive is super low due to a autoimmune disease. We barely have sex (which isn't a big deal to me) but I constantly have the feeling that he's not attracted to me. I agree communication is key. I feel like if he was more vocal about how he still finds me attractive than I would feel better. I don't really have an answer, but I can say you are absolutely not being a bad wife!

BabyBean815 · April 2016

We had this issue! And we are working on it, and things are much better.

For the longest time I thought "I'm so busy and tired being a mom! What doesn't he get about that?" And he was thinking "I want her all the time! Why doesn't she wasn't me back?"

I learned that when I turned down DH's advances, didn't initiate intimacy and put other priorities over him, he felt really unwanted. And then he resented me.

And he learned that I have a billion things on my mind and that I can't always just turn it on when he wants it. And when he asks for it all the time, it makes me close up even more.

So the compromise is that i try to make him a priority and not the thing that ends up on the bottom of my to do list. I try to initiate sexytime between us once a week. Anything beyond that is a bonus. But once a week of my attention seems to keep both of us happy.

And because I'm paying more attention to him, Hubbs is a lot less needy about it and in much better spirits.

I also requested that he be mindful of when he asks for sex because, let me tell you, after a long work week and baby stuff and house stuff, all I want to do on a Friday night is drink a glass (or 2) of wine and watch TV. Not have sex.

Talk about it and see if you both can understand where each other is coming from.

princesslockness · April 2016

One thing that worked for us during the pregnancy was that we actually scheduled a day when it was expected.
That way H didn't have to feel like an ass for bothering me, and I didn't always have to feel like a jerk for saying no.
Don't get me wrong, it was really awkward the first 2-3 weeks, but then we got into the habit and it started to loosen up and we ended up keeping it scheduled for each week after we were cleared at 6w pp.

mothernorth · April 2016

I am still struggling with a similar situation. We have talked about it several times, but it always pops back up. I'm just not in the mood often, and when he makes sexual comments and grabs on me etc., it's even more of a turn off in my eyes. It doesn't help that I am pregnant again. But, I know he just wants and needs some attention, so now that I don't feel so sick and exhausted all of the time, I'm going to try to contribute a little more to our sex life.

mrsb30 · April 2016

We are in a similar situation. DH seems to want sex all the time now and before we got pregnant and when we were newlyweds I wanted it all the time and felt like he didn't. Part of that was that he had low T and had to come off of his testosterone for us to get oregnant. It's not that I don't want sex it's just that I'm exhausted between working fulltime and taking care of our baby and it's hard to get in the mood. I just wish he had felt this way before we had a baby

MouseMama817 · April 2016

I know exactly how you feel and you are by no means a bad wife! I'm pretty sure 99% of women who've had a baby in the last year are in the same boat. My DH drives me crazy at times with all the incessant hinting and groping. On the flip side, I much prefer him wanting me "too much" to the alternative of feeling like he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

Most days it's difficult for me to find the energy to be intimate with my DH, but I recognize that physical intimacy is an important part of our marriage and gives him a lot of validation. I try to remember that me denying him that would be akin to him denying me of say, emotional intimacy. I'm sure he doesn't always want to come home after a long day and tend to my needs but he does it because he knows I need it to feel loved and satisfied in our relationship. The same logic applies. I like @BabyBean815 's advice. Make sure he understands where you're coming from while trying to find some middle ground so you're both satisfied. Good luck!

KateDerek · April 2016

MouseMama817 said:

I know exactly how you feel and you are by no means a bad wife! I'm pretty sure 99% of women who've had a baby in the last year are in the same boat. My DH drives me crazy at times with all the incessant hinting and groping. On the flip side, I much prefer him wanting me "too much" to the alternative of feeling like he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

Most days it's difficult for me to find the energy to be intimate with my DH, but I recognize that physical intimacy is an important part of our marriage and gives him a lot of validation. I try to remember that me denying him that would be akin to him denying me of say, emotional intimacy. I'm sure he doesn't always want to come home after a long day and tend to my needs but he does it because he knows I need it to feel loved and satisfied in our relationship. The same logic applies. I like @BabyBean815 's advice. Make sure he understands where you're coming from while trying to find some middle ground so you're both satisfied. Good luck!

This. After the first child I didn't grasp how much I really needed to meet him halfway on this and pony it up. He needs it for validation and does a lot for me around here. So I should return the favor. Now that we have three kids I am more aware, but it doesn't make it any easier...in fact it's probably harder now that we have three because getting them all to bed to have private time of our own is harder. But going off BCP has helped me a ton (we are done and hubby has had his V) because my sex drive has improved. I know that's not an option for everyone but I'm sure enjoying not having to take it and being attracted to my husband again. Haha

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