@rnyland1 that makes total sense. I guess my problem with it is that SO many people fail at that transition and then they have 2 1/2 year olds that have all of these independence issues and can't sleep and won't wean and and and. Those are the parents I know.
We gradually did sleep train our son not in the first couple months though... yes from beg we had a routine.. books a set bed time etc which I think helped.... then we gradually would just pat his back instead of pick him up if he woke up in the middle of the night... then to eventually let him cry a little. I may try the so called dream feed with this one. Ive heard it to be successful for several people..get you a little more sleep time before that first night feeding time. It was so nice to have a baby that would just go to bed on his own and comfort himself and it is still to this day great to not spend 1- 2 hours putting our kid to bed... yes sickness and other things can screw up your great sleeper and there will be nights when they wake up but i cant imagine dealing with that every night.
I only have one friend that is a big attachment parent but she's miserable. She's got two toddlers and neither sleep through the night, one is still in her bed. I actually haven't seen her without the kids in two years because she needs to be there for them all the time. It looks exhausting.
My UO is I don't like any of the labelled parenting philosophies. I think it's going to be different in each household what works for your family and all this pressure to subscribe to something seems like too much work. Raising our kids to not be assholes is work enough.
I only have one friend that is a big attachment parent but she's miserable. She's got two toddlers and neither sleep through the night, one is still in her bed. I actually haven't seen her without the kids in two years because she needs to be there for them all the time. It looks exhausting.
My UO is I don't like any of the labelled parenting philosophies. I think it's going to be different in each household what works for your family and all this pressure to subscribe to something seems like too much work. Raising our kids to not be assholes is work enough.
Love the bolded so much! We (parents) are all different, they (children) are all different. It's great to have all of this easily accessible information out there, but don't discredit your own instincts.
"The cleaning, the scrubbing will wait til tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
Ditto ditto ditto to everything you said @elenabrent ! I need to check out that book Babywise if that is the philosophy behind it. Schedules are necessity and having my own life alongside of being a mother is essential.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. As a first grade teacher, I see so much in the way of what type of parent I don't want to be or what kind of child I don't want to raise. The terrifying thing is, as the years go by, it's getting so much worse!
These kids can't problem solve, can't overcome hardship/struggle, nor do they want to, have no internal motivation or satisfaction in quality work; rather they prefer being done first or fastest, with no regard to neatness. There are excuses for misbehavior and irresponsibility, and no wonder because all I get is excuses from parents when I bring it to their attention.
"Lawnmower parenting" where parents clear a nice, easy path for their children so that they never struggle or have to work too hard is just as bad as attachment parenting.
I think people like to label parents or themselves as being A, B, or C and then there's pressure to follow these "theories" exactly, even when they may not work for your family. I try my hardest not to make any assumptions about what my own parenting will look like or what I will and won't do outside of things like I won't hit my kids because I don't know what will and won't work. I'm also opposed to judging others parenting practices because everyone needs to do what works for them. Bed sharing worked great for my mom, she assumes it will be the same for me, I am not going to say what will work because I am different than she is and my baby will be different than me and my siblings were.
Maybe it's naive but I don't feel like I need a parenting theory to follow it's rules, I just want to raise a happy and healthy son who knows that he is loved but who also knows he is not the center of the universe.
Well, this discussion has been very eye opening. What's funny is I've had the Attachment Parenting by Dr Sears book and Baby Wise sitting in my "saved for later" section of my Amazon cart for some time now. Sounds like really I want to attachment parent early on and be baby wise later. I'm a FTM and don't work with kids - my only experience is seeing my nieces/nephews/cousin's kids and how they've been raised - so I love hearing all your perspectives on this.
@elenabrent I think the key to any schedule is to be flexible and figure out what's best for your family. As far as sleep training, my friends think it's cruel too so I totally hear you! I am a planner and thrive on a schedule so I think it will work best for me and my family, and it's totally fine if it doesn't work for others. My step sister did babywise with her two girls and they have the best sleep habits. They put themselves to bed when they are tired and it's amazing! they still have a bonding routine at night, but the girls are great at sleeping and don't need to be soothed to sleep every night. I'll have to check out the other book you mentioned to see which I think will work better!
My mom started out being a helicopter parent until she figured out that she was doing more harm than good and then truly backed off. With her there was this balance of showing me how to be responsible, organized, and neat (especially in school) and letting me do things for myself. I know it's been hard for her to stop and not make things easier for me. I hope I'm able to do that. My brother is 9 years younger than me. To some extent I'm like his 3rd parent and I was definitely the lawnmower parent. I did everything for him, especially when things got hard and I saw how that backfired. I'm definitely going to start reading the books that were suggested!
I think it's great to research different approaches and find what's best for your family. And flexibility is key no matter what approach you use.
I'm not going to pretend I don't judge other people's choices because that would be a big fat lie. I think teaching young children has given me much stronger opinions on different parenting approaches, and I can see what type of parenting choice correlates with which type of behavior (positive and negative). I obviously have no idea what my son will be like and can only do my best by him, but I want to start out with an idea of who I'd like to be as a parent, even if that ends up changing.
Besides always laying DD down in her own bed, slightly awake, I did no other sleep training. Not even on a schedule. She is the best sleeper, and all it takes (even at the age of 4.5) is laying her down in her bed....no matter what time it is, and she will go to sleep.
So (depending on the kid), you can still have success with bedtime/sleep habits....without sleep training or being on a schedule.
all this talk as given me my FFFC for tomorrow in that I have zero fucking clue how I'm going to parent this child... is "just wing it" an acceptable philosophy?
all this talk as given me my FFFC for tomorrow in that I have zero fucking clue how I'm going to parent this child... is "just wing it" an acceptable philosophy?
I know this is a UO... I think pregnant bellies (especially my own) are gross and ugly.
I am thankful every day for baby girl growing in there and wouldn't change that for anything, but all descriptions of pregnant bodies as "beautiful" etc. bother me. Aesthetically, I don't see it and don't want people to try and convince me to see it.
I like my belly. I do feel kind of betrayed by my body, since it's so sore and achy, but I'm so determined to be positive about my body in general, especially in front of my girls, that I am trying so hard to just embrace all of it, starting now.
I don't dislike my belly because of appearance. I really struggle with feeling 'incapable' because of my pregnancy. I like to lift and haul heavy things, shimmy into tight spaces, get dirty doing hard work, etc. Having my husband yell at me every time I climb up a ladder to do something, having people at the pet store run over to stop me from slinging a 26lb bag of dogfood over my shoulder, or just generally treat my as if I'm 'fragile' makes me feel small, child-like, and inadequate.
I'm behind, but as a fellow educator totally agree with @elenabrent and @jlmartinez517 as far as seeing the effects of some parenting philosophies and choices. It's especially interesting working with the special education population and evaluating student for disabilities. A huge component of that process is a developmental history and parenting questionnaire and I always feel like that yields so much good information as to why kiddos are the way they are. Not generalizing anything here, but its a great piece of data and should be weighed just as crucial as achievement testing, rating scales or behavior checklists.
I personally love my pregnant belly from someone who has been body shamed most her life. I finally for once have embraced my body and love it stretch marks and all. This is a first for me and I feel freaking hot!
@Nerdchild oh, I love it!!! BUT, I am admittedly as lazy as others allow me to be (why do for yourself what someone else will do for you!) But also, even if I can/want to do something, it's just a nice thought to me.
To be fair though, it's mostly my students not letting me get run over or annoyed by other students lol
I snapped at someone today at work because they took me waiting for their slow ass that I wanted work carried back to my desk. No dippy long stocking, I want you to move out the god damn way.
@Lindsayleigh1989 same! I'm the body shamer to myself and have stopped to appreciate what my body is doing which is new and weird. I think it helps that my husband loves it and helps reassure me too. My stomach has never felt so rock hard. ;-) It does make me a little weary for afterwards though...
yes to my pregnancy belly, this is the only time in my entire life that I look at it and just feel complete acceptance and love... no matter how much I worked out I'd always have a little bit a pooch, my mom and nana were the same...teeny but with a lil belly. I'm embracing it now bc I know I will probably go back to hating it post baby... but I love pregnant bellys period... I think it's fucking amazing... mind still blown about this process.
@pandaferh Last pregnancy, I literally asked my doctor to write me a note to my manager explaining that I was perfectly capable of going up stair ladders. I worked part time at a book store and these were stair ladders with rail and all. She flipped out every time I was on them doing inventory. Handed her the note one day and she tried to argue again with me. I told her she was bordering on discrimination. That shut her up real quick.
This was also the woman who was abnormally obsessed with talking to me about breastfeeding, to the point that I felt uncomfortable (even though I am very pro BF). So she had lots of issues.
all this talk as given me my FFFC for tomorrow in that I have zero fucking clue how I'm going to parent this child... is "just wing it" an acceptable philosophy?
Hahah @elenabrentthe sunglasses one cracked me up. I've been so busy and crazy today. It's nice to sit in bed and catch up. I'm with everyone else - I'm planning on practically winging this parenting thing with some research on the side. Also, I love pregnant bellies and I love mine!! It's so difficult to be body-positive, and now that I'm having a little girl I'm going to try my hardest to love myself and not complain about how I look. I admire my mother for never complaining about her hair or makeup or body while I was little and growing up. I read a post the other day about a mother who was upset with her post-pregnancy body .. Until she felt a lump in her breast and waited in terror for the results. Turns out it wasn't cancer, but it really opened her eyes to the fact that she needed to stop worrying about the flabby tummy and stretch marks and focus on enjoying her family and herself because her body is amazing! That post really touched me! Things can happen so fast and can turn our world's upside down - so we need to enjoy the here and now .. Not sulk about how "ugly" we think we are.
ETA: my UO is that I fricken love my dark nips and I hope they stay dark.
I don't dislike my belly because of appearance. I really struggle with feeling 'incapable' because of my pregnancy. I like to lift and haul heavy things, shimmy into tight spaces, get dirty doing hard work, etc. Having my husband yell at me every time I climb up a ladder to do something, having people at the pet store run over to stop me from slinging a 26lb bag of dogfood over my shoulder, or just generally treat my as if I'm 'fragile' makes me feel small, child-like, and inadequate.
A thousand times this. I'm slowly coming to terms with having to change what I can do, and my dr/ boss have decided to move me to a desk job, but I still fight this feeling of "lots of women in my industry have babies and I should just suck it up because I'm tougher than this" It makes me feel like I'm not as good or capable as the women who can tough it out. Like how can I be a strong role model for my kid if I can't be strong during the pregnancy? I know it's ridiculous, but I can't shake it. I knew getting pregnant would change my body and having a child would change my life, but I was so unprepared for the mental and emotional strain of getting pregnant. Between the fatigue and the emotions and feeling inadequate and second guessing pregnancy decisions and worrying whether I'm going to be a good parent... I had no idea how difficult this would be mentally.
@noelietrex eh, the ideas that I think are most problematic are breastfeeding/feeding on demand and nursing/rocking a child to sleep every time. There is also an emphasis on "gentle problem solving" which is usually translated into "never letting my kid cry and always giving them attention/what they 'need'/want/etc when they cry." That creates monsters.
I am absolutely planning on breastfeeding on a schedule with the understanding that sometimes he will go through growth spurts and need to clusterfeed. I don't plan on letting him go hungry or scream until the clock says that it's time to eat, but I also don't plan on solving every little sadness with a boob in his mouth. That is not sustainable.
Baby wearing is also great and something I plan to do. But it's also fine for you to want to some physical independence, to have him in a stroller or away from your body. He should be able to self soothe without depending on your body for all comfort. Comforting your baby/child with the understanding that what you are trying to do is teach them to comfort themselves, not with the idea that you will always be what comforts them. If that makes sense.
I did this (rocking/nursing to sleep) until just shy of 6 months with DD. It worked every time and at the time I thought it was easier. Then, 6 months and the "object permanence" developmental leap happened, and DD would jerk awake the second I put her down and didn't know how to self-sooth back to sleep. It was miserable and after a couple weeks of horrible bed times and bad nights, I ended up doing a modified/gentle cry-it-out method to break the habit (I actually still have the website if anyone is interested - I found it very helpful. The method I used allowed comfort measures/check ins - singing, rubbing the tummy, talking to baby, etc. were allowed, but no picking the baby up. It also gave instructions for true cry-it-out which they say on the website is more effective/works more quickly, but it wasn't right for me). I know cry-it-out is a bit controversial and a lot of people are dead set against it, but it's what worked for us and I'll use those methods again if I have to. Although with this baby I plan to try to avoid nursing/rocking to sleep every time so hopefully we don't end up needing to do any sleep training.
DD took to it so well - the first night it took 2.5 hours to get her to sleep, then she slept through the night til 7am. The second night took 1 hour, and she slept all night. Third night took like 20 minutes, and then it was smooth sailing of 12 hours a night every night with minimal fussing. I had my freedom back - it used to take me 1-1.5 hours total to get her to sleep with bath, pjs, nursing, rocking... and by the time I was done I was so tired I went straight to bed. Then she'd be up at least once or twice and need rocking/nursing again. After those initial 3 nights, it took me 10-15 minutes - or less - to put her to bed (I started doing the last nursing session before her bath instead of after to break the habit of nursing to sleep, so I'm not counting that time spent), and she stopped waking up at night (or at least stopped needing me to put her back to sleep). I actually had time and energy to reconnect with DH or spend some time on myself - it was glorious.
Re: UO 4/28
My UO is I don't like any of the labelled parenting philosophies. I think it's going to be different in each household what works for your family and all this pressure to subscribe to something seems like too much work. Raising our kids to not be assholes is work enough.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. As a first grade teacher, I see so much in the way of what type of parent I don't want to be or what kind of child I don't want to raise. The terrifying thing is, as the years go by, it's getting so much worse!
These kids can't problem solve, can't overcome hardship/struggle, nor do they want to, have no internal motivation or satisfaction in quality work; rather they prefer being done first or fastest, with no regard to neatness. There are excuses for misbehavior and irresponsibility, and no wonder because all I get is excuses from parents when I bring it to their attention.
"Lawnmower parenting" where parents clear a nice, easy path for their children so that they never struggle or have to work too hard is just as bad as attachment parenting.
I think people like to label parents or themselves as being A, B, or C and then there's pressure to follow these "theories" exactly, even when they may not work for your family. I try my hardest not to make any assumptions about what my own parenting will look like or what I will and won't do outside of things like I won't hit my kids because I don't know what will and won't work. I'm also opposed to judging others parenting practices because everyone needs to do what works for them. Bed sharing worked great for my mom, she assumes it will be the same for me, I am not going to say what will work because I am different than she is and my baby will be different than me and my siblings were.
Maybe it's naive but I don't feel like I need a parenting theory to follow it's rules, I just want to raise a happy and healthy son who knows that he is loved but who also knows he is not the center of the universe.
July16 JULY siggy challenge
I'm not going to pretend I don't judge other people's choices because that would be a big fat lie. I think teaching young children has given me much stronger opinions on different parenting approaches, and I can see what type of parenting choice correlates with which type of behavior (positive and negative). I obviously have no idea what my son will be like and can only do my best by him, but I want to start out with an idea of who I'd like to be as a parent, even if that ends up changing.
So (depending on the kid), you can still have success with bedtime/sleep habits....without sleep training or being on a schedule.
I am thankful every day for baby girl growing in there and wouldn't change that for anything, but all descriptions of pregnant bodies as "beautiful" etc. bother me. Aesthetically, I don't see it and don't want people to try and convince me to see it.
Edited to say: holy run on sentence.
To be fair though, it's mostly my students not letting me get run over or annoyed by other students lol
yes to my pregnancy belly, this is the only time in my entire life that I look at it and just feel complete acceptance and love... no matter how much I worked out I'd always have a little bit a pooch, my mom and nana were the same...teeny but with a lil belly. I'm embracing it now bc I know I will probably go back to hating it post baby... but I love pregnant bellys period... I think it's fucking amazing... mind still blown about this process.
This was also the woman who was abnormally obsessed with talking to me about breastfeeding, to the point that I felt uncomfortable (even though I am very pro BF). So she had lots of issues.
ETA: my UO is that I fricken love my dark nips and I hope they stay dark.
I knew getting pregnant would change my body and having a child would change my life, but I was so unprepared for the mental and emotional strain of getting pregnant. Between the fatigue and the emotions and feeling inadequate and second guessing pregnancy decisions and worrying whether I'm going to be a good parent... I had no idea how difficult this would be mentally.
DD took to it so well - the first night it took 2.5 hours to get her to sleep, then she slept through the night til 7am. The second night took 1 hour, and she slept all night. Third night took like 20 minutes, and then it was smooth sailing of 12 hours a night every night with minimal fussing. I had my freedom back - it used to take me 1-1.5 hours total to get her to sleep with bath, pjs, nursing, rocking... and by the time I was done I was so tired I went straight to bed. Then she'd be up at least once or twice and need rocking/nursing again. After those initial 3 nights, it took me 10-15 minutes - or less - to put her to bed (I started doing the last nursing session before her bath instead of after to break the habit of nursing to sleep, so I'm not counting that time spent), and she stopped waking up at night (or at least stopped needing me to put her back to sleep). I actually had time and energy to reconnect with DH or spend some time on myself - it was glorious.