Terrified

Kc0825 · April 2016

Hi everyone my name is Kari. I'm 13 weeks in on my second child. Our next appointment we may or may not find out what we are having. I have a son now whose almost 3 and I'm terrified of having a girl. I think it's cuz I don't have a great relationship with my mom but I'm so anxious. Any advice?

sheviolentlyknits · April 2016

My best advice: Remember that you are not your mother!

My mother is umm.....a bit crazy. She has pretty severe narcissistic behavior issues and has repeatedly proven herself to be incapable of showing true affection or love for anyone.

Having done my darndest to work through the issues I had from growing up in that household, I was confident when I had my children that I would not turn out the same way, and so far I haven't had any issues feeling disconnected from them.

I will say, I had a boy first and a girl second (Team Green both times so we didn't know before the birth) and I did have a couple moments of panic early on with DD. But, I sat myself down and reminded myself that I am ME. My mother does not speak through me, and i will not allow the way I was raised to define me or my daughter. Many people in this situation run the risk of trying so hard to be un-like their parent that they run the risk of pulling too hard the opposite direction, so try not to focus on "not being like mom" try to focus on being emotionally honest with yourself and your family, allow yourself to feel fear but don't let it run the show.

No matter the sex of your child, parenting is pretty much the same for the first few years. Help them learn, be supportive, keep them clean and well fed. Everything else will fall into place.

Edit because I'm all thumbs on mobile.

von1976 · April 2016

My advice is to find a therapist who can help you work through your issues, regardless of what sex your child turns out to be.

NoraAurora · April 2016

+1 for finding a therapist. And keep going. For all you know, your son will grow up to be a lot more terrifying than a daughter.

AshleyGemini24 · April 2016

My mother has many pschiological disorders. Many of which are genetic. A few i have inherited. Also terrified that i will pass these on to LO or worse develop the disorders. i was terrified of being the not so great mother that i had when i was growing up. FI and i actually had this conversation the other day. My parents made some terrible decisions when my brother and i were very little. Rherefore they were in and out of our lives alot as we were growing up. If my parents taught me anything in my life, its how not to be a parent.

mothernorth · April 2016

I am not a psychologist or medical professional by any means but I would like to add my two cents:
I did not have a good relationship with my mother, my father, or the families that ended up raising me when my parents went to prison.
Your relationship with your children depends on you, and will be what you make it. I was never close to or had very functional relationships with any of the adults in my life growing up, but I have an amazing relationship with all of my children. I am not letting my upbringing contribute to how I raise and nurture MY children. I saw first hand what NOT to do, what hurt me, and what I wanted as a child, and I make a conscious effort to BE the parent I always wanted, and it works out for my little family.

jillianpardo · April 2016

Hugs to you @AllyTheKid

ladyshark311 · April 2016

I'm along the same lines as PP's. I had a pretty traumatic awful childhood/teenage life. My mother chose terrible men to be in her/our lives. I'm talking incredibly physically/emotionally abusive, even had a rifle pulled on us. (My mom, sister and I) I was only about 6 for that incident and then from that guy she married a man who sexually abused my sister and I from the age of about 7 to 14 and she is still married to that man. My Dad was only allowed every other weekend and never knew what was going on. I have a 15 yo daughter myself and I can tell you that before I became a parent my only thought was always that my children will NEVER EVER go through anything close to what I did. I want them to stay innocent as long as possible and they will not know what I suffered growing up. They have no idea and these ugly things will go with me to my grave. I think when you have a terrible upbringing you either follow that same pattern or you mentally decide I will break the cycle, it ends with me. I think it doesn't matter if she's a girl, you will be Momma bear and it will all come naturally. Just the fact that you are thinking and worrying about it is a start in making yourself aware of what you don't want to do.

Mintz1982 · April 2016

When I had my daughter I was scared to death. so much happened in my pregnancy from the minute I found out she was a girl. First we were told she was sick and broken aND would be special needs( they were wrong she's actually on gifted spectrum). My daughter went from being my worst fears to my best friend.

Sally1990 · April 2016

I don't have a good relationship with my mom and I have two beautiful little girls! You are not your mom and you raise your children boy or girls better then your parents raised you. Or that is at least how I look at it. If something my mom used to say or do upset me, I make a point not to say or do those things.

krzyriver · April 2016

Seems like you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Just want to say that I'm sure you'll be a great mother to this child, boy or girl. My husband grew up without a dad. His father bailed when he found out my MIL was having twins, so my MIL raised them herself. Identical twin boys who are alike is so many ways. Except that my BIL is a horrible father. My husband is an amazing one. It all depends on the choices *you* make as a parent, not the ones your parent made. The fact that you're anxious means that you care, which means you'll be fine.

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