December 2016 Moms

Still facing criticism over not being married

Im 28, 7w3d, and not married. I have been with my SO for over 3 years, known him for 13. We were friends, lost contact, then reunited and sparks instantly. We are scared but happy and know we can do it. We have talked marriage and were actually making our plans, then i found out we were pregnant, and we decided to wait to marry until after baby. 

I didnt think it would be a huge deal but the fact we are not married seems to be brought up and comments made about it. I see most the posters here are married, but what do you think? Anyone not married? 

Im thankful to have a supportive, loving, and honest SO but i feel like im being judged. I just need advice/support.

Sorry for long post.

Re: Still facing criticism over not being married

  • Exactly what cayay said. People are just going to judge, it's what they do. And it's not like you can just totally have thick skin when it's close family so I guess the only option is to accept they will judge and accept its going to feel hurtful and go on about your relationship in a way that is right for you and your SO. That's what matters
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  • I'm not married, but we've been together almost 5 years. We aren't planning on getting married, either. I haven't really told anyone about the pregnancy yet, but I am bracing myself for comments, although I'm hopeful people are cool enough to not comment. What types of comments do you get, and from whom? Close family? 

    I know it's easier said than done, but hang in there. It's YOUR life, and it's totally up to you guys what you want to do, and in what order you want to do it. I think that it's more common than it used to, having kids without being married. It's much more common in Europe, that's for sure. 
  • Honestly, it never ends.  I am married and you'd think we had been together 100 years by how often we've been asked when we're having a baby.  Like that's our only job as adults and we should have gotten to that right away.  I'm sure if I got KTFU on my honeymoon, people would have other things to say.  Don't worry, once you're a mom, the judgement will continue (why aren't you breastfeeding? Why are you breastfeeding for so long?  Why are you using disposable diapers?  Don't you care about the planet?  You're really going back to work?  Oh, you've quit your job to be a stay at home mom?).  
  • ArtlessIbexArtlessIbex member
    edited April 2016
    People judge. I had this situation during my first pregnancy. I dealt with it depending on the frequency and pointedness of the comments. For example, if someone just said "when are you getting married?" I would usually say "well, I'm busy at the moment, but I'll let you know when I have a free day!" 
    This usually made the point that I wasn't getting married because of this baby and they wouldn't ask again.
    If it was more pointed - perhaps it has come up more than once from the same person, or they went farther and made comments about the unsuitability of single parents, I would also up the rudeness of my response. I never got crazy, but a level look and a "my marital status could not be less your business" generally took care of it.
    Usually I would feel bad for being rude, but thoughtless rudeness and judgement should be met accordingly. Anyone putting their nose that far into your business shouldn't be surprised if it gets bitten.

    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker
  • SO and I aren't married and no one seems to have a problem with it.  We own a house together and we're raising three kids.  We happened to get engaged in February and got pregnant in March, though we were trying prior to the engagement.  To us, marriage is a piece of paper...the commitment of raising a family together is a stronger bond than that.  SO is European and I'm Canadian; things seem to be more relaxed about that in our countries.  SO and his sister attended his parent's wedding, so I don't expect any problems from them when we share the news :)
    Just ignore those who have negative comments and know that you and SO are in this together.  People are going to judge no matter what.
  • Thanks Everyone. Im usually the attitudey type lol but for some reason ive been more nicey nice. I guess because I dont have my own mom or family really to help me, those i do have, ive been very cautious and wanting to keep a good relationship. Im just gonna start telling people, if they pay for it, SO and i will have our wedding. I know they will shut up lol cause we plan to marry in Hawaii so no one will want to foot that bill.

    @lisa3379 We get it from many places. Most friends will ask about it but they dont push it. They get it. Its the older people who think omg they are living in sin! We get a lot of well it would of been nice to be married, or your not supposed to live together and have a child. Old rule type comments but the ones that bother me most are when they act as if we dont love one another and have a bond. Like excuse me, i know many married couples who hate each other. Id rather wait to marry, be in love, and know it's right. 

    Also the thought of lil baby being there is exciting for me. Im hoping we grow closer, we are extremely close already, but knowing we have a baby makes our wedding sound even more beautiful.
  • The only important thing is that the little one has parents that love them and stick together. My parents were married and then they divorced, so a lot of good that is. :)  Who cares what people think? Usually when people are judgey they have their own insecurities to deal with and that is on THEM not on you.

    I personally am married and I love it and wouldn't change it for anything but it isn't for everyone. It is more than a piece of paper, but you don't need to be married to be a family. If you plan to stay together it is helpful to be married in the long term as there are a lot of benefits, especially if one gets sick. Plus the party, the presents, and the honeymoon are all good things :)
    Me: 38, DH: 36 
    Married Jan 2008 
    DD Baby Bells born Dec 2016 5 lbs, 12 oz, 18" <3 so in love <3
    Due with #2 Baby Arya EDD February 2020


  • My SO and I are not married, we've been together 5 years and living together for 4. We've been strong the whole time, no drama, just love! So I think people have a lot of faith in us, and no one has mentioned anything.

    Plus, I tell everyone I don't want a wedding, I just want to elope one day with a really cute unique ceremony. SO and I are all wedding'd out, we have gone to about 14 in the last 4 years, we are SO disenchanted by the commercialization of it. I am really looking forward to eloping with our little kiddies around!

    I think as PPs mentioned, people are judgy and dramatic and just want to spark a conversation that gets the neurotransmitters firing. Don't take it personally, they are looking to get a rise out of you. Don't give it to them :)

    Me: 33 | DH: 34
    TTC #1 Oct 2015
    BFP Mar 26, 2016 - DD born Nov 2016 <3
    TTC #2 since Mar 2017
    DX: MF June 2019, varicocele embolization Jan 2020, good improvement (14 mil, low motility)
    IUI#1 Aug 2020 - BFN
    IVF #1 Dec 2020 (ICSI) - ER, freeze-all - 15 retrieved, 15 mature, 15 fertilized. 4 embryos frozen, all day 5 blasts!
    FET #1 Feb 2021 - BFN
    FET #2 Apr 2021 - BFP 5DP5DT!! Beta #1 13DP5DT (17DPO)  = HcG 1,238. Beta #2 17DP5DT (21DPO) = HcG 8,269



  • Most people just flat-out suck.

    Like other people mentioned, people will judge you no matter if you're married or not. I'm married, and some people got upset because we married "too soon" after meeting and we didn't have a huge wedding...we just went to the courthouse because he was going to deploy, and that was the best option for us at the time. This year we will be married 4 years and no one bothers us. I don't regret not having a massive wedding, either. Although great for some, plenty of people focus on the wedding more than the marriage, and that's no good.

    Anyway, when the baby comes, people will be so smitten that I doubt the things that bother them now will bother them then! Just do what's best for you two and your little family, and everything will fall into place. :smile: 
  • I got married to my DH at 21... We've been together since we were 15. Everyone judged us for getting married too young.... Even told us we wouldn't make it a year. We had our first dd at 24 and were judged for having kids too young. At 27 now and expecting our third I'm just over all the judgement. People find anything and everything to judge you and they just need to get over themselves. 

    Babies are blessings just the same... Whether married or not ❤️
  • Everyone has given great advice. We plan to marry, i want to marry, but when the time is right. 

    My parents divorced when i was 6, it was hard because my parents loved one another but they just werent right together. It was a battle for me being in the middle as the only child. I dont want that for my baby. They did finally become mutual for me, and when my mom passe my dad was a mess, so i know they had love. 

    Ive found great comfort on here and support, i appreciate everyones comments
  • Hey Glitter,
    Thanks for having the courage to post and share your story. My SO and I aren't married either, but I know that our child is a blessing! Be encouraged and don't let anyone's negativity bother you. 
  • What matters is that YOU and your SO are happy. Are you happy with waiting on the marriage?? Based on your previous posts, you are. If you aren't then the two of you can find a solution I'm sure! But If you are then you will have to constantly remind yourself that you are in love and you are happy and you have a plan that works for YOU. It doesn't have to work for other ppl its your life. :-) Unfortunately ppl feel the right to share their thoughts on everything, especially regarding pregnancy!

    My kids will be 21 months apart and this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise (not entirely but we weren't really trying). At first I thought a lot about what people would say about the kids being so close together. And my husband was great to point out that people can jump off a cliff. We are raising these kids and God blessed us with them so no ones opinion on the spacing matters as long as we are happy about it and we are. We haven't publicly announced yet but I've already received a few comments from the handful of ppl that know. I make a laid back response and keep the conversation moving.

    I think the most important thing is to be 100% confident comfortable and happy in your own situation and it frees you to care much less about what others think.



  • I have 7 kids and only one was born when I was married. 
  • I am married but my sister had her daughter before they got married. When they get married my niece will be 16 months and the cutest darn flower girl ever. Ignore the judgement you do whatever is right for your family. All families are different but it doesn't make any particular type "good" or "bad" best of luck to you ♡♡
  • People love to give their unsolicited opinion a lot. Who's to say you are your SO aren't insanely more happy than a couple that's married (especially the ones shaming you for not being married). Focus on yourself and your pregnancy and politely let them know they can STFU.

    BFP #1 5.26.08 DD born 1.4.09
    BFP #2 3.11.12 m/c 3.26.12
    BFP #3 10.7.12 m/c 10.27.12
    BFP #4 2.24.13 ectopic MTX 3.13.13 Right tube removed 3.29.13
    BFP #5 5.27.13 DS born 1.22.14
     

    BFP #6 4.14.16

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  • We still have some important people to tell, I prefer face to face conversation than over phone so some had to wait. It has made me more nervous to tell them but at the same time, i feel im stronger every day so I dont think they will affect my with any negative comments. I have so many other things to worry about lol. Like can i make it to 10am without being sick or what im going to eat today hahaha.

    Thanks Everyone 
  • MaggieG183MaggieG183 member
    edited May 2016
    Screw 'em. Enjoy that you are preggers and that you and your SO are in love. The critics can get over it, or maybe they can't. Regardless, your baby will be part of a wonderful family. ❤️
  • People will judge no matter your situation. I'm married, but I'm getting judgement because I applied (and got accepted!!) to grad school and now I'm pregnant. Some people have shared their opinion that I will not be the best/most dedicated mom because I'll be working on my education during pregnancy/first couple of years after they are born. Seriously?!

    We just have to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion, no matter how dumb it sounds. Stay strong and do what is best for you and your family!
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