Large age gaps

Roxell · April 2016

I'm hoping for some advice from moms in a similar position as me.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and my 1st is about to turn 11. Does anyone have any advice on how to make the transition from 'only child' to 'older sibling' easy for an older child? Any ideas how to make your oldest feel included but not overwhelmed?

I'm partly just hoping someone can relate, since not many people I know IRL have such a big gap between their first and second!

juliehollz13 · April 2016

Don't have any mommy advise but I was 10.5 when my brother was born (no babies in between). I loved it. The Dr. let me stay in the delivery room (talk about birth control incentive through my teens lol), I went to all of my mom's appointments and helped her out a lot with the baby. I loved it, but when he got to be a toddler and I was 13-14 it did get a little annoying having a baby always following me and I resented my mom for using me as a babysitter/nanny whenever she felt like it without even asking or paying me - but that could have been just teenage angst.

The only other thing I can think of that may have been a little upsetting was that we couldn't go to the same places as now we have a baby/toddler in the family and can't stay out as much as we like and everything revolving around the baby's schedule. Also, it would have been nice to have some one on one time with my mom again and maybe going out and shopping or out to lunch just with her so we wouldn't have to leave when the baby got cranky. But I love my little brother and always have and don't have any long lasting resentment towards him or my parents.

comealongponds · April 2016

I'm not much help (these are my first babies) but there's an 8 year age gap between DH and his youngest brother. He has a middle brother who is three years younger than him but he actually gets along better with his youngest brother. So it definitely happens, you're not alone! Good luck, I hope someone else has something slightly more constructive to help you out!

NatashaSprout · April 2016

Well, my boys will be 11&12 when this one is born. My boys are best friends and pretty inseparable. They have no interest in a sibling and I'm not sure how this is all going to play out when we tell them. We have mentioned different things...what if we had another baby...how would you feel about a baby...all the feedback from them has been negative. We are also trying to think of a way to put a positive spin on it. Good luck. I hope someone has some good ideas!

BmcD2016 · April 2016

Slightly similar situation here. My oldest is 12, then my 9 year old. So my nine year old is the baby, she's been wanting to have a baby sibling forever. So she fully welcomes this change. I did tell the girls I will be needing some clothes shopping buddies soon and they are all about it! Other than that, kind of just let them lead. If you feel like they are not ready to participate, don't push it.

maybe plan some "dates" with your child doing something they like, with nothing related to the baby. Or, if they choose, have brother or sister pick out one outfit for the baby.

muybueno · April 2016

juliehollz13 said:

The only other thing I can think of that may have been a little upsetting was that we couldn't go to the same places as now we have a baby/toddler in the family and can't stay out as much as we like and everything revolving around the baby's schedule. Also, it would have been nice to have some one on one time with my mom again and maybe going out and shopping or out to lunch just with her so we wouldn't have to leave when the baby got cranky. But I love my little brother and always have and don't have any long lasting resentment towards him or my parents.

My favorite blogger just did a post on having 1-on-1 time w each kid. The comments were the most interesting parts. Lots of ideas for how to schedule time w each kid. https://cupofjo.com/2016/04/one-on-one-time-with-children/

kms456 · April 2016

So I was 14 when my brother was born (no kids in between). I was the baby at the time and had one older sibling who was 16. I was ecstatic. I love helping and being able to do all the baby things.
When they got to be toddler age I did start to resent them (my mom had another when I was 16). Mostly due to teenage angst but also because I felt like I was a built in babysitter. It was never asked if I would help, it was just assumed.
Overall now, I have an amazing relationship with both of my brothers and they are amazing with my DD. I can't imagine my life without them. But I had to grow up to get that.

doraleigh35 · April 2016

I don't have any mom advice, but I do have kid perspective advice. My parents divorced when I was young and both remarried. The gap between me and my siblings is 8, 12, and 18 years.

I really wanted a sibling so I was so excited when my Mom got pregnant. She made me an active part of her two pregnancies. I went with her to appointments, got to help pick out baby gear and even helped plan the baby shower with her friends. She and my Stepdad were amazing at making me feel included. I was at the hospital for both of my brothers deliveries (in the waiting room with my grandmother). My StepMonster on the other hand was a different story. She scheduled her c-section with my twin sisters on my 18th birthday (that's a whole other story). She definitely did not make me feel included and the 18 year age difference made it hard to connect with my sisters. I do have an amazing relationship with both of my brothers though. Even with the age gaps and different life experiences, the 3 of us are quite close now at 18/22/30.

I would echo what others have already said. Make your older child feel important, like they are about to take on a very special role as a big sibling. Offer to include them where you feel comfortable and let them lead as to how involved they want to be. Playdates with friends and fun activities were really helpful to me when there was a newborn in the house, I got to "escape" and do big kid stuff. A lot of family members would do special things with me, invite me for sleepovers or bring me gifts when my first brother was born. I felt very included, but yet independent.

NurseMamaB · April 2016

I have two girls, who are 10 & 2. There's 8 years between them, and it did take my oldest some adjusting. She honestly, did better then I thought. We made sure to include her in a lot, such as picking a name for the baby, of course she rattled off some interesting names, but I always listened and we made it game bouncing names back and forth. We included her shopping for baby stuff, and picking out clothes for her new sister. We had her come to the anatomy ultrasound too. After the baby was born it was kinda nice because at 8 years old she could entertain herself, and if I needed help she could help. The only problems we run into now, is the 2 year old wants everything her sister has, and loves to get into everything in her sister's room, which of course my 10 year old freaks out! But she is pretty protective of her little sister and loves her so much! I try to keep up doing some tween things land not just "baby/toddler" stuff. As a matter of fact we do set aside one day a month to have a mom/daughter day just the two of us without her little sister. She enjoys the extra attention and we can focus on doing whatever and not keeping a two year old happy. So, with baby #3 on the way she will be 11 years older from this one. I am hoping she adjusts okay, but I am a little nervous to tell her since she's made it clear she doesn't want any more siblings haha

kristah2 · April 2016

No experience with my own but I do have a sister that is 20 years younger then me. My husband also has a brother 20 years younger then him. I was an only child while he had 3 other siblings close in age.
Age gaps are okay as long as you make your other child still feel important. Especially at that age when they will need/want your love and attention.

sunbeam1 · April 2016

I wish I had some sage advice, but I totally don't. I was 6 when my baby brother came. I remember being totally excited up until he was born. Then no one had time for me anymore and I felt ignored and excluded. Making time to interact 1:1 with the first one is pretty important. But I thought the news was fantastic

Chcaggie1 · April 2016

More child perspective advice here :-)

My sister and I are 9 years apart. I love her to death and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. I was very excited to have a sister. I had actually been praying for one every night. I don't have any memories of feeling excluded or left out. I'm not sure exactly what my parents did but somehow they did an excellent job of balancing their time. I can't remember the demanding newborn phase of my sister at all to be honest. But I do know that they always made me feel like I played a very important role in the family. I was the big sister, the example, they always bragged on me and how well I did things and told me that I was a great example for my sister. They also taught us from a very young age that we didn't have a choice but to be friends under their roof. No bickering or fighting, we were sisters and we were born friends. That's the way it was and it worked.

I also think when my parents needed a break they found somewhere really fun for me to go. A neighbors house to bake Christmas cookies, an out of state vacation with my grandparents, a sleepover at my best friends house. So I never felt like they were "getting rid of me" but instead I was going on a fun adventure the baby wasn't old enough for (ie. I was special).

Last note... I think the time balance may have come in here... Besides the very rare "breaks" mentioned above, we did pretty much everything as a family. Fun time, vacations, date nights, shopping we all went everywhere together. That's how it was before the baby and that's how it was after the baby so no big change.

Good luck!

whaat · April 2016

My brother is 11 years younger than me, and my only issue wasn't mom using me as a babysitter. I felt like I didn't have the kid/preteen time I wanted and that sucked a lot (By the time I was a slightly older teen her schedule changed so I didn't babysit as much). I also have issues with not having the "mom time" I needed, but that's more due to having an immature, shitty mom.
I love my brother though and now we're very close. I'd just say please recognize that your oldest is still a kid and not just your helper.

Roxell · April 2016

Wow, you guys I never excepted so many replies! I'm seriously tearing up over here (though being pregnant I cry over everything).

@juliehollz13
I love the idea of my DD watching my labor & delivery as birth control for when she's older! Although, she gets grossed out of she sees me in my bra, so that might not happen.

@comealongponds
Just wanted to say I love your April siggy!

@NatashaSprout
I'm kinda nervous about telling my DD for the same reason, she always has a negative outlook regarding having a sibling!

@BmcD2016
I like the idea of having my DD help pick out baby clothes, I'm sure she will love that!

@muybueno
Thanks for the link, I will definitely check it out!

@kms456
I'm definitely cautious about using my DD as a built in baby sitter. I have 4 siblings and I remember my mom always making me babysit. I plan on always asking first and paying her for babysitting. I would have to pay any other teenager to watch my LO so why wouldn't I pay DD!

@EDK2010
I like the idea of scheduling playdates for her to help get her out of the house and away from too much baby stuff!

@NurseMamaB
I never even thought to include my DD at the US! That's a great idea!

@kristah2
Holy buckets, 20 year age gap! I thought my 11 years between kids was a lot.

@sunbeam1
My DD being excited up until the baby is born is definitely a concern of mine. I don't want her to feel abandoned at all, especially since shes so independent already. I'm worried she won't tel me when she needs me. I will have to have a conversation with her about talking to us whenever she feels left out!

@Chcaggie1
I like the idea of 'you have to be friends because you're siblings' mindset! Will have to remember that one.

@whaat
I am kind of worried about her feeling like she's just my helper. I'm thinking once the baby is here to maybe even easing up on her chores. As of now she's responsible for her our laundry, vacuuming and washing dishes, plus she sometimes makes dinner (that's more her choice than mine though).

I hope I got everyone! Thanks again for all your wonderful replies. I never thought there would be so many people with siblings so far apart in age.

ficbot · April 2016

My stepson will be 6 when baby comes. He only just found out and hasn't said much about it yet but he did ask where the baby will sleep. And when we tucked him in tonight, we had a little chat like 'Will we still tuck you in when the baby comes? Yes...' And we went through some of his other favourite things to do and reassured him these things will all still continue later.

I am very sensitive to his position because my dad had much younger kids and there were some things he handled badly. For example, presents were always an issue. I was sensitive to any perceptions of inequality and took it hard when my younger sister got an expensive American Girl doll for Christmas and I got some paperback novels and a bunch of school supplies. I know teenagers are harder to buy for and it's more fun to buy for the little ones. But especially because it was a divorce situation, I was overly sensitive to feeling unequal and it did come up more than once.

I did sometimes get pulled into childcare I didn't want to do. But I also did feel some pride and responsibility for being trusted enough to help with the littles. I had a classmate who had the same situation as me, and she told me once that she was not allowed to do much with the baby. I felt sorry for her, and proud of myself for being responsible enough that this was not an issue.

Roxell · April 2016

@ficbot
I still tuck my 10 year old in too. Definitely something I will continue even after the baby is here, as long as she wants me to.

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