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December 2015 Moms
LeanneSham
member
Husband doesn't help me with kids.
LeanneSham
member
This is long and probably boring. I'm feeling very down... My husband owns his own plumbing company and I do all the office work for it from home as well as take all the calls. I am not busy all day every day, in fact most days I have nothing to do. Our first born is 3 years old and we had our second child in December last year, both girls. My problem is that he does not help me with the kids. He goes to gym early every morning, by the time he is back both girls are up, I have to get the 3yo (3 year old) ready for school/crèche/day care ie: breakfast, brush hair & teeth, get dressed, pack snack and drop off (all this while dealing with my almost 4 month old). I then fetch her around 3pm and get dinner going by 4, which is around the time he comes home if we have work. He then lays on the couch the rest of the evening while on his cell browsing or facebook. He sometimes cooks, but when he doesn’t I get the food cooked and we eat, I dish up for our 3yo and most of the time have to feed her because she is 3 and likes being difficult lol sometimes baby is sleeping when we eat but mostly not so I have to rush my meals while she screams or have her nursing while I feed myself with 1 hand, when he is done he gets up and goes back to the couch, doesn’t offer to hold her while I eat (and I will not ask because I cannot stand the aaaaaaggggggggggg God rolling eyes look I get when I do ask), since baby was born he bathes the 3yo most nights. She has some tv time and I then have to put her to bed. We had a fight last night because he says I have turned her against him (she is not very fond of him at all, she would happily spend every second with me and not see or talk to him, it’s always a fight for them to do something together unless it’s really exciting like going to the park or getting an ice-cream). She asked him for a yoghurt, he gave her one with a spoon, then they started fighting which I can assume was because she didn’t want THAT spoon because when I came and asked what was happening she said she didn’t want it and got another spoon, I don’t even think he stopped to try listen to why she was upset, he then went and turned off her Barbie movie and said it’s adult time to watch tv, after years of it being her tv time and him always being on facebook anyway… so I took her to her room and put lion king on her portable dvd player, we was furious and said that is why she hates him, because I always do the opposite of what he says. He never “parents” her ever. He also likes to tease her a lot and she HATES IT, ie: she has a real phobia of washing her hair and just mention it and she goes mad, you have to suggest it when she’s in a good mood and has to want to wash it (I am disciplined with her about other things but she seems to have a real issue with water on her head so I am sensitive to it, she is not a brattish child that gets away with everything) and I’m convinced that when he is not in the mood to bath her he will say we are going to wash your hair tonight? And seems to love it that she gets highped up about it. That’s the 3yo… The 4 month old, he has NEVER bathed, I asked him once and he said no he is too scared (when she was about 1 month old) and I have never asked again and will never, he tried to change her nappy once when I ran to the shop and put it on backwards. If she is sleeping and I run to the shop, the moment she wakes up he sends me a voice note of her screaming hysterically which infuriates me… If I am cooking and she’s sleeping and he hears her cry on the angelcare monitor he won’t go get her or even tell me she’s crying, then I go to him and say, um can you hear her crying??? And he says: oh sh%t sorry I thought you were with her and carries on looking at his phone… he has never asked me to hold her, what I mean is that if she’s in my arms he won’t take her, not even when he gets home from work and hasn’t seen her all day. The other day I asked him to please watch baba after I bath her so that I can bath the 3yo and wash her hair, he didn’t say no, but got all cross and said: yes, but it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out bath, she is 3, she must bath quick and get out… and I said is it so hard to look after your baby???? He then said: you know she is going to cry with me, so I said she is going to cry with me too dear… I ran the bath and managed to bath the baby and the 3yo at the same time, he never even said a thing…
I can go on and on, I am clearly not happy, but I need to know, am I wrong for wanting him to help? I feel that the reason he has no relationship with his daughter (3yo) is because he has never tried to have one, he is under the impression that because he provides financially it is enough….
Re: Husband doesn't help me with kids.
He hates the baby stage because DD requires a lot and he doesn't have the patience for it. As she gets older he's more and more involved. The way SO and I divide responsibilities isn't for everyone but I'm happy with how we do things. It helps that SO didn't want children originally and that DD was unexpected and we are young so I feel that he's doing the best he can and learning and growing as a father every day.
In your case it sounds like your DH has no interest in his children. While it might have been excusable the first time around for a few months, I don't think it is when you have a 3 year old. I think counseling would be a good idea for the both of you.
Its also important to present a united front to your elder child. She's obviously not going to like him very much if he doesn't want to play with her but it probably doesn't help that you go against everything he says to her.
Of course you are not wrong for wanting help and wanting your husband to have a relationship with his kids. But the only way to get help is to ask for it, so you probably need to do a better job communicating what it is that you need.
I'd put your foot down and talk about it. He has to understand that the girls are as much his responsibility as yours. It's hard work. I tell my hubby too cause he thinks Riley likes me more and I just tell him it's cause I'm with her more. Which is why that time when he's home is so important.
He he better make that relationship now cause if your older one already feels like this it's gonna be a lot harder to make that relationship when she's older.
Could your husband be responsible for one thing every night with the girls? Like bath time for the baby and reading a book to your older daughter? It would be a great starting point and then you guys could go from there. You are asking him to have a good relationship with his kids. That's not too much to ask. In my opinion there needs to be a sit down serious discussion and if he is not willing to do that or doesn't see that there is a problem then I would do counseling. Communication really is the most important thing and my husband and I went for a few months a couple of years ago. It made us look at how we talk to one another and we can discuss things now and not bicker or let things build up.
I don't feel like i have been that helpful but I'll be thinking of you!
It is totally understandable for you to want help. Your children are his children. He is equally responsible for parenting them 24/7.
I simply dont buy into the "he is a man" and needs "time to adjust". Why? Because most responsible adult men will at least help when they can. Your husband does not even seem to attempt to help you unless you force his hand.
I honestly think you have to talk to him. At this point in your parenting life he should be doing more than what he does. If not for you, at least for his kids.
As PP suggested, maybe also take a look at how you behave when he is interacting with your LOs, just to make sure you are not micromanaging their interactions instead of letting him figure out his own way.
If you are not being abused, and he's just a lazy man... Here are my suggestions.
Does he spend happy time with baby? Ask him to hold her when she is in a really good mood. Sometimes I found I hogged my LO when he was happy because I loved it so much. But baby needs to spend happy time with daddy too. It sounds like your husband needs to work on his relationship with both kids, and encouraging it when they are all happy is a great place to start. After this, he may be more inclined to help when both are unhappy.
Also, if you are not being abused, you need to work on arguing with him. It's not a bad thing to argue if it's going to save your relationship. Stop letting him get away with everything and argue back sometimes. Ask him to do things! If he rolls his eyes call him out on it! Talk about it privately away from your children. Talk it out. Tell him that you hate his stupid phone. My DH did this too. After many arguments, he finally has learned when is not a good time to pull out that wretched piece of crap of technology. Maybe he is actually scared and you're pushing him too hard. Maybe offer to bathe LO together.
Also, in my opinion, you did kinda over parent him with the whole tv thing. Really you should talk to him about it and decide together if it's okay she watches tv in her room. Of course, if he is abusive then this is completely different.
We don't argue. We discuss. Hubby doesn't give baths. When we discussed it he said it was too painful for him kneeling down by the tub. So I give baths and when he's home he does everything following the baths. He's done the sigh and eye roll and I just told him it's disrespectful and asked if he wants the kids to learn to do it to him.
And yes, he might have disrupted your daughter's routine and that was wrong of him but you did over parent him which sends the wrong message to your daughter. Talk about it. Tell him how you normally do things, why him doing that is disruptive and creates behaviors, and agree on how to handle it next time. This way of handling things will also teach your little ones healthy conflict resolution. If you use "I feel" phrases it tends to keep people from getting defensive. You aren't attacking them that way but sharing your side. You can do the same advocating for your child's feelings.
Like PPs said, talking is best, encouraging daddy-kid time. We start counseling this week, so I'm not really a good one to get advice from at the moment! Good luck!
My dh is pretty good with our son, but he has always wanted children. It sounds like your dh didnt want children? Im sorry you are going through this. Im on maternity leave right now, so I do the night feedings (formula feeds) and care for LO during the weekdays. When dh gets home around 4:00 I hand him the baby and pretty much let him do the holding/soothing/feeding and changing. I still interact with LO and help my husband but Im not doing all the work by myself. Like I'll prepare a bottle and DH feeds baby, or he will do diaper changes while Im cooking dinner. Its understood that our relationship is a partnership and we share the work equally (as equally as possible that is). Now if I didnt hand over baby, I dont think he would take the initiative to do stuff without me prompting/asking, but Ive made it clear (by talking to him about it) what I need him to do to help me with the baby.
Communication is important, I think you should sit down with your husband and tell him all of your concerns and what you need him to do as your husband and as a father to his children. Dont let him get out of doing stuff by rolling his eyes or giving excuses. Hand him the baby and say "I need you to give her a bath/hold her while I finish eating/etc" and walk away. Just ignore his eye rolling, and eventually he will stop doing it because you will no longer be responding to it. You could even create a "chore" chart, and assign who will do what. For example you will do all diaper changes in the evenings and he is responsible for giving both children their baths. Or you cook dinner while he plays with them. Hopefuly he will quickly figure out that when Mama is happy, everybody is happy! Good luck!
No, I don't think you are wrong to be upset, but I think you need to make it very clear to him what you expect from him while he is home. Set the phone down and help me kind of thing. If he isn't willing, then you either have to accept that he's not going to help or move on.
If he really doesn't want to be involved other than financially, he can pay child support.
Every time I see a story like this, I think Wendy has a valid point that marriage truly is an outdated concept. Co-parent and support yourself seems a better option. You sound like a strong woman, so be strong. Stand your ground and tell him what you tell all the internet strangers here.