Un-supportive family?

brittnic86 · April 2016

Anyone dealing with un-supportive family? Long story short, DH and I had some marital problems last year, which resulted in a separation. We've worked hard to mend our marriage, and we're actually doing better than ever. Jelly Bean wasn't an accident, we planned for this baby. My family has been pretty horrible about all of it really...they didn't support us getting back together. So when I told my parents, my dad, who I already have a screwed up relationship with, basically said WTF are you doing...and actually walked away. My sister, who for whatever reason has started fights with all of her siblings, said congrats, don't bother coming over, when I was trying to tell her in person, but she just figured it out I guess. My mom is excited...but weary of DH...like she even insinuated that he wouldn't be going to my appointments with me, so she should go. But she also doesn't defend me, or say anything to my dad. She just stood there and was like, "well, it's a hard situation...we love you and this baby..but..."

I haven't spoken to my dad or my sister in the three weeks since we told them I'm pregnant. I'm trying not to let it bug me too much, and honestly it doesn't most of the time. I've always had issues with my dad, and gone through a lot of therapy to get to the point where I realize there's no pleasing my family, and I just need to be happy and live my life. But I really thought that a baby...their first grandchild...would maybe change things a bit.

My other sister, and my brother are happy for us, and his family is over the moon....but still, half of my family just isn't happy about this baby.

Anyone else have family who isn't happy for you?

dmontgo · April 2016

I am sorry your family isn't supportive; family problems make anything super stressful.

Ours is a weird situation, because everyone is very excited, but neither DH or I consider ourselves very close to our parents. This can best be summed up by saying there was a lot of verbal, emotional, and at times physically abuse in both our childhoods. Fortunately we both have been to therapy and have sorted through it so we know what we would do differently with baby.

While I don't think our parents had cruel intentions raising us, it presents a weird dynamic. They are excited to spend time with baby, but we kind of want to minimize that time. It's as if they view the baby as "another chance." We've talked to our parents in the past about the issues from childhood and it either is blown off or turned into that we "just remembered things wrong," etc. No responsibility has been taken, so we minimize contact and feel better for it. I don't want to cut them off from baby, but I do want to be aware of patterns of behavior.

Anyway, I'm sorry I posted so much. I'm sure when baby comes your family will be much kinder. Until then, keep your stress low and enjoy this time. Treat yo'self!

brittnic86 · April 2016

dmontgo said:

I am sorry your family isn't supportive; family problems make anything super stressful.

Ours is a weird situation, because everyone is very excited, but neither DH or I consider ourselves very close to our parents. This can best be summed up by saying there was a lot of verbal, emotional, and at times physically abuse in both our childhoods. Fortunately we both have been to therapy and have sorted through it so we know what we would do differently with baby.

While I don't think our parents had cruel intentions raising us, it presents a weird dynamic. They are excited to spend time with baby, but we kind of want to minimize that time. It's as if they view the baby as "another chance." We've talked to our parents in the past about the issues from childhood and it either is blown off or turned into that we "just remembered things wrong," etc. No responsibility has been taken, so we minimize contact and feel better for it. I don't want to cut them off from baby, but I do want to be aware of patterns of behavior.

Anyway, I'm sorry I posted so much. I'm sure when baby comes your family will be much kinder. Until then, keep your stress low and enjoy this time. Treat yo'self!

Same for me with my family! My dad has always been pretty abusive verbally and emotionally...and I swear my mom is brained washed and hasn't seen it at all, until recent years when I've been blunt and pointed it out. DH doesn't want my dad to have anything to do with baby, which I understand, but is also hard...because how do you cut a grandparent out? Especially with their first grandchild? My dad came from a messed up family...but I guess he never learned from it.

Glad that you both were able to work through issues and learn from them too

dmontgo · April 2016

@brittnic86 Are you familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? That really helped shine light on the situation for me. My mom is schizophrenic, so it made it hard to stand up to my dad. Ever since she had her break, it's pretty much the same brainwashed situation. As far as cutting them off from baby, me and DH have agreed to not leave baby with either sets of parents, and if they start acting toxic we will pull the plug. We don't want to be unreasonable, but boundaries are important. No way in hell will I let anybody hurt my baby, and if I have to cut someone off, then so be it.

If we can learn from it, then there's no excuse as why our parents couldn't learn from their experiences! Denial is a powerful thing, indeed.

aevan011 · April 2016

@brittnic86 I'm not quite in the same situation, but because of abuse I endured as a child/teen, I am not looking forward to telling my mother about our pregnancy. She was not supportive when we had a loss and through therapy I've come to realize I'm dealing with a narcissistic mother (as mentioned by @dmontgo ).

I know that my family will be happy for us but mom will want to be too involved. We are delaying any announcements as long as possible and plan to set very firm boundaries with her. We do not plan to cut her out of her first grandchild's life, but everything will be on our terms and if she doesn't accept that, then SHE is making a choice, not us.

So sorry they are sucking the joy out of this wonderful announcement, I know it makes life difficult. I hope you can relax a little and just put a plan in place to deal with their negativity. And I hope this all works our on YOUR terms.

princesslockness · April 2016

You didn't give a great deal of information about what happened in your separation - so I am going to make some assumptions and hopefully remember to mark them.

When you separated, your family likely only saw/heard the bad things about your SO, and likely before the separation that was the most common thing they heard/saw. When you only see the negative it is very easy to judge a person harshly and to not want your loved one to be around/with them.

Your family might also be reacting to the thought that your LO is being used as a fix-all for your relationship. If that is their understanding, then of course they love and support you but might not think that your baby is as loved and planned as it is.

Both of those assumption an be completely off the mark, but they are things that I have seen in my family that have caused problems. Until my H stepped it up about when L was born, no one in my family liked him. They all thought I was crazy for having married him/having a baby with him/ anything really. Now that they see him with L, and I make sure that I point out all of the wonderful things he does instead of complaining, they have changed their tune.

It is hard, family is never easy or even straightforward. It takes time for everything to settle and adjust to any major changes.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish you luck in figuring it all out, and happiness with your SO and LO.

Glitter · April 2016

I know how you feel. I have little family left, ive lost the 3 most important women in my life, all the ones i thought id get support from. The family im left with still sees me as a child, they are controlling and very set in their ways. It has and will create problems. The ones that are supportive are amazing and im thankful for them. I hope they all choose to a part of baby and my future. But if they choose not to, i will work harder to keep the strong relationships i have even stronger.

Hopefully they will see you and your dh have worked to be together because you love one another, and that the baby was not a fixer, its a wonderful addition to your lives. You are deserving of love and support during your pregnancy and babys life, i sometimes forget i deserve those things .

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