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3.5 YO Not Potty Trained

mom2fallbabiesmom2fallbabies member
in Potty Training
I have a 3.5 year old daughter who refuses to potty train. Long story short: she hates the little potty and refuses to sit on it; she is scared of the big toilet but will sit on it if I'm there (only me, not my husband, and since I work FT outside the home and he's a SAHD that presents a problem); we've tried treats, stickers, rewards, and everything else - none of it works; we've tried making it "her" idea, getting her excited about it, buying her special underwear, promising presents, "showing" her how we both do it, and leaving her naked all day - she's indifferent to it all; she tells us after she has gone (this is new) but not before; if she's naked she just goes on the couch; she HAS gone on the potty, but only if we leave her there for hours at a time; if we try to make her go on a schedule she just holds it (pee and poop) until her pull-up/diaper is back on. I'm at my wits end. With another LO due in November, I'm despairing at having 3 in diapers. And then there's the joy of hearing how everyone else at work got their kid potty trained at 18 month and the looks that tell me that clearly I am a failure at parenthood. Is there anyone out there who had a very late potty trainer? Do you have any encouragement for me? I'll take any advice, but I'd really just love to hear that I'm not alone (even though I feel bad that anyone else is in the same boat...).
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Re: 3.5 YO Not Potty Trained

  • SLGILL1978SLGILL1978 member
    Her behavior is very normal. Sounds like she is going through a regression, could be due to your pregnancy (totally not your fault, just normal). I would just back off and leave it for a few weeks. As you can see, forcing it is taking a lot longer than necessary. Once she is ready, "training" will only be 2-3 days. 
    My daughter turned three in Feb. She has only been "trained" a few weeks. I actually ran out of diapers. Rather than run out and buy some more, I said let try some panties. Previously she would wear panties here/there. She would hold her pee, then when she had to use the bathroom, she would ask for a diaper. 
    The first day, she held it then had an accident. The second day, same thing, she held it and had an accident. The third day, I was getting ready to go get some diapers when she started peeing in the potty. We have both the little one and an insert that fits into the toilet. Like you, I was at the point of bribing her with treats, tablet/movie time, etc. 
    The third day, she would pee in the potty but the BMs were another story. She eventually went on the third day, but I distracted her with my phone so she was playing a game, while going. She refused to go at daycare for the first week. She would hold it until we got home or have an accident. Now, we are on week four of her being trained. The second week, she just started going at daycare and now the only time I really need to remind her is in the mornings when we get ready otherwise she goes on her own. 
    When she starts to show interest and/or asks, put her back on the pot. Have her go every 1-2 hours, but only have her sit on the pot for 1-5 minutes. Even if she doesn't use the pot, give her a reward and/or some positive reinforcement. Unfortunately, she is just not developmentally ready yet. I wouldn't even bother with pull ups. Either just use a diaper or the panties (or diaperless). 
    *Also I don't know of any kids under the age of 2 who are potty trained. That's awfully early. Usually those that are trained early, also have a regression. Even training at the age of 2 is kind of pushing it. The normal age is between 3-3.5 years. 
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  • TwizBeansTwizBeans member
    SLGILL1978 said:
    Her behavior is very normal. Sounds like she is going through a regression, could be due to your pregnancy (totally not your fault, just normal). I would just back off and leave it for a few weeks. As you can see, forcing it is taking a lot longer than necessary. Once she is ready, "training" will only be 2-3 days. 
    I agree with this. She's not ready. It's frustrating but that's just the way it goes. My DS was 3.5 when he finally decided he was ready to potty train. Hang in there. You are NOT a failure.
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  • mom2fallbabiesmom2fallbabies member
    @SLGILL1978  & @TwizBeans  Thank you both! I'm feeling a bit calmer about it today but really needed to hear that it's normal. I'll just keep trying and hopefully it'll stick at some point before November. Thanks again!
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  • *LrCg**LrCg* member
    First you are NOT a failure as a mother- when your child PT has no bearing on your success as a parent nor does it say anything about your child.  However, I do think that at 3.5 years old she's more then ready.  It seems more like a behavior issue on her part and she knows she holds the cards.  Have you ever not given her an option and say this is it?  The fact that you said if you put her on a schedule she'll hold it until you put a diaper on makes it clear that she knows when she's going.  I would suggest taking a Thursday & Friday off since you said that she only goes for you so that gives you 4 days.  Not sure if you have a large master bath and if so, take a few toys and books and do naked time in there and only in that room (it will prevent distractions if she's allowed in other rooms of the house- if you have a traditional bathroom then use a smaller room or a room right next to the bathroom and she can only be in that room).  She can earn more toys as she progresses and obviously has to leave for meals.  I have a feeling by day 2 she's going to realize that if she wants to have fun, she's going to start giving in. 

    Lastly, I see you have an almost 18 month old.  You may want to consider PT that one and maybe then she'll realize if her younger sibling can do it she most certainly can.  I disagree with SLGILL1978 about early training.  My 4 kids were fully PT (daytime, naps & bedtime) at 14 months, 15 months & 2 at 17 months old and we NEVER had regression (I can speak only for the older 3 since my 22 month old has been PT for only 5 months but hasn't had accidents in that time).  It was pretty simple to- depending on the child it took 2-7 days.  Because of my experience, I've helped my friends PT their children prior to 2 with no issues.  35+ years ago most kids were PT by 18 months old with no issues.  It wasn't until disposable diapers were more accessible and mothers were more commonly working outside the home that PT got pushed back longer and longer. 
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  • mom2fallbabiesmom2fallbabies member
    *LrCg* Thanks for the advice! I'll try to do that in the coming months.
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  • natalinaspnatalinasp member
    This was a huge relief to read. Although, I am sorry for what you are going through! My 3.5 yo is also having trouble. She was almost completely trained a couple of months ago, and then she accidentally peed on the floor, I made too much of it, and back to diapers. Now she is oblivious to being wet, and I feel like it is completely my fault. She has a 2 yo sister who is getting interested in training, and I am hoping that if she is successful it will motivate her big sister, since they always want to do things together. Please share any successful pointers if you have a breakthrough. It definitely feels embarrassing, even though I know it will all turn out fine. Some day. :P 
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  • mom2fallbabiesmom2fallbabies member
    @natalinasp  Although I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, I'm glad to have someone to commiserate with! So far, nothing miraculous has happened. But, like you, her little sister is interested so I'm hoping once the little one does it, the big one will, too.
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  • PsyDr04PsyDr04 member
    Hey there, don't have any great advice. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. My son is 3 years, 7 months and still not trained. He JUST started pooping in the potty last week. He will go pee in the potty sometimes, but has no issue with going in his pull up either. He pees ALL THE TIME, like every 15 minutes. I put him in underwear last night and he went through 3 pair in an hour and a half. I'm so frustrated. My first son trained at 3 years, 4 months and I thought that was bad. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I know it's really when they are ready, but I do feel like I'm doing something wrong when there are kids younger than him who are already trained. 
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  • livrosemarielivrosemarie member
    I'm having a lot of the trouble that she is. My 14 month old started wanting to climb onto the potty, so I started letting her. It actually does seem to be motivating her brother. For instance she pooped in the potty one day, and next thing I know he went in the potty. 
    He's still not potty trained, but it seems to be helping. I'm also not going to complain about the little one being interested in it :)
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