Baby Shower woes...difficult mother

michelegong · April 2016

Hey guys-

So basically my mom and I live 7 hours driving apart. (SoCal / NorCal Bay Area). We are not the closest and often disagree. My mom is pretty self-centered. She already got upset that I didn't want her to come with me to a routine checkup at my OBGYN when she was here a couple weeks ago. I ended up rescheduling that so that I didn't have to deal with her. I just prefer going to doctors appointments by myself. Nothing against her.. And I made that clear to her but she was still mad.

Anyway, My mom wanted to host her own baby shower for me in SoCal with family in July since my brother will be getting married and the relatives would be in town. I thought that was a great idea!

But then, my best friend found out I was pregnant and wanted to plan me one up here in NorCal/ Bay Area in May since she won't be around in SoCal. Additionally, I have coworkers and my own friends who live here in the Bay Area that I wanted to invite and who obviously wouldn't be able to celebrate with me in SoCal.

I told my mom about my friends plans, and now she wanted to combine the showers possibly. But here's the thing: she didn't really like my friends ideas for the shower when I told her it (which was dr. Seuss theme) and plus, it would be just her and my sister that would be able to come up here (if at all). I don't really have space in my 1 bedroom apartment for them to stay which means they would have to pay money for a hotel. None of my other relatives would be able to make it and celebrate either if the SoCal shower was canceled.

I told my mom that if she still wanted to do her own shower for me, we should just have two separate showers because then it would be easier for her (no traveling) and then my other relatives could celebrate.

She then told me I was "uninviting" her and that "usually family is invited to the shower" which really put a damper on my mood because I wasn't trying to NOT invite/ un invite her. She also said that it was "uncommon" to have 2 showers anyway.

She already had her own plans for a shower for me (even before my friend planned one) and I thought it would be more convenient for her in the long run so that she doesn't have to pay a small fortune for a 3 hour baby shower.

My best friend said that she would send my mom an invite to the shower in NorCal anyway, and I agreed. But now thinking about it, I do think my mom is being a bit immature and I kind of don't want her there now. Plus, anyway it will be most of my coworkers and people she doesn't know. She might feel left out or something. I don't want to have to deal with that. I want to have a good time since my best friend is doing this for me.

Help??? I don't want my mom to ruin this special day and it already seems like that is what is going to happen if she doesn't get an invite to my friends shower.

I just thought she could keep her own plans and I could have one down there later with just family.

She somehow manages to make me feel like I'm being a bad daughter. Now I feel conflicted and upset about it all.

Advice ?? Sorry for the long post. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't been able to finalize plans because of it.

searchingforameaning · April 2016

Tell your mom I had 3 showers with my first. Nothing wrong with multiple showers - especially with the distance!

ashleybaker712 · April 2016

My mom did something similar for my wedding and 1st baby shower. Somehow, it became all about her and I was more worried about upsetting her than what I really wanted. I had 3 showers with my first. My mom and SIL threw one, MIL and SIL threw another, and I had a surprise one at work. My mom was invite to the family ones and since she didn't know many people with my in-laws, she came and stayed quiet.

This is to celebrate you and this beautiful baby. Don't let your mom get you too worked up or upset you. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. If you do, invite her but make it known, this is your day. Maybe keep her in the dark on some of the details so she doesn't feel too comfortable and knowledgeable about what's going to happen. That has helped with my mom and has helped keep her from making everything about her. If she doesn't know everything, she can't easily take over or make a big deal about things. Good luck!!! This isn't a fun thing to deal with.

ballofmeat · April 2016

Your mom does sound like a pain in the butt. I would honestly keep her invited to your other shower. The fallout stress you will likely have from not inviting her will probably greatly outweigh the discomfort of having her there for one day. If you have enough people at the friend shower, you might be so busy mingling that you will have very limited interaction with her. And I also agree with PP, Multiple showers are not unheard of. Good Luck and enjoy your showers!

emmeline714 · April 2016

I would just tell her your best friend changed her mind and not invite her and she can still carry on the one with your family or just be honest and tell her how you feel about it and if she gets but hurt than that's her problem you should be happy your baby your happiness

michelegong · April 2016

Thanks guys! I will think it over some more. I think that overall I just need to be firm with her. I appreciate the warm wishes :-) !! I'll make it work somehow !

karlimonster · April 2016

This is a great opportunity to set boundaries with your mom. Trust me, you'll need them when the baby gets here. That said, I would probably invite my mom and tell her "you won't know many people and I'll likely be occupied" or some kind of disclaimer. Do your best, cover your based and HAVE FUN. Try not to worry about any Debbie downers.

jamiesc58 · April 2016

I had 4 showers for my first dd because I also have step families and my church threw one. It would have been way too much for everyone to try and combine them. There is no reason you cannot have 2 separate ones, especially since the family is long distance. Good luck and have a great time no matter what!

ThisisNumber3 · April 2016

I think you need to invite her and be the bigger person. If she's still all immature about it and doesn't come, thats her problem.

1faceinacrowd · April 2016

It's totally normal to have more than one baby shower! I've heard of it happening with LOTS of people. Sometimes coworkers throw a separate one, sometimes two sides of the family throw separate ones. Totally normal!
Also, did you ask your mom how other family members can be involved if she just combines hers into your friend's? Maybe point out a couple of specific family members who wouldn't be able to attend (e.g. Grandma who can't travel that far, Aunts with busy work schedules, etc.) and see what she says. Tell her that you would rather have your other family members involved so their feelings aren't hurt.

Disneygeek77 · April 2016

I had three showers. One family, one church and one work. It is actually very normal.

I would just invite her to the NoCA one but said your friend is handling everything and doesn't need a co-host. You want her there as a guest. Also look up hotel prices on priceline or hotwire. You might be able to get a good deal.

riveridgional · April 2016

I think it's just a change in the times. Multiple baby showers are much more common now. I'm going to wind up with one giant one, which makes me feel bad for my hosts (sisters and SILs) because the other family members that would have hosted a family shower are under the impression you can only have one.

However, I'm reading your post as your mom just being very excited about your pregnancy and wanting to be involved in your pregnancy and those celebrations. Her reaction to wanting to go to your doctor appt is a perfect example. We don't know how you worded the shower situation to your mom re: a separate friends and family shower, but I agree with your mom that she should be invited to both. Perhaps you unintentionally worded it in a way that came across as you not wanting her there. It's to celebrate your baby, which is also her grandbaby. Yoyr pregnancy and shower are probably also experiences she has looked forward to sharing with you for years. It shouldn't matter whether your mom would know anyone else at the friends shower. Plus, now she can get to know some of your friends. Also, not inviting her seems petty and only a way to incite drama. Your own comment makes your reaction sound very immature (in my opinion): "But now thinking about it, I do think my mom is being a bit immature and I kind of don't want her there now."

bananers · April 2016

I think you should invite her, but not combine showers. I'm sure you can find some etiquette article that states it's fine to have multiple showers if she still needs convincing. Personally, I HATE huge showers because it takes forever to open the gifts unless the mom totally rushes through it, and then it feels impersonal. I would much rather break up the shower into logical subgroups, with maybe the grandmas and one or two other VIPs invited to more than one as a courtesy.

Ceventa · April 2016

Yeah I would just keep the showers separate. There is nothing wrong with having more than one shower, especially if others are choosing to throw them for you. It's not like you are throwing two showers yourself! I would send her an invite just to keep the peace, however I would also not mention the other shower to her anymore. Just if she asks keep the details to the minimum and focus on the shower she's throwing for you to make her "feel the love".

Side note: "Feel the love" was an actual term used by both my father and my mother-in-law when they expressed how they weren't feeling involved enough in my first pregnancy

michelegong · April 2016

riveridgional said:

I think it's just a change in the times. Multiple baby showers are much more common now. I'm going to wind up with one giant one, which makes me feel bad for my hosts (sisters and SILs) because the other family members that would have hosted a family shower are under the impression you can only have one.

However, I'm reading your post as your mom just being very excited about your pregnancy and wanting to be involved in your pregnancy and those celebrations. Her reaction to wanting to go to your doctor appt is a perfect example. We don't know how you worded the shower situation to your mom re: a separate friends and family shower, but I agree with your mom that she should be invited to both. Perhaps you unintentionally worded it in a way that came across as you not wanting her there. It's to celebrate your baby, which is also her grandbaby. Yoyr pregnancy and shower are probably also experiences she has looked forward to sharing with you for years. It shouldn't matter whether your mom would know anyone else at the friends shower. Plus, now she can get to know some of your friends. Also, not inviting her seems petty and only a way to incite drama. Your own comment makes your reaction sound very immature (in my opinion): "But now thinking about it, I do think my mom is being a bit immature and I kind of don't want her there now."

Hi, thank you for your insight. Unfortunately I can't tell you all of my background with my mother, but she is someone I am not very close with. She was very verbally abusive to me growing up.

While it may by she wants to be included, I am not obligated to let her come to my private doctors appt. I am a reserves and shy person by nature I don't like a crowd hovering around me. I only told that story to show how unreasonable she can be about a small thing such as not being able to come to an appt.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since you don't know my background/ history and how uncomfortable I feel around my mom to this day.

However, I fail to see how I am being petty or immature by not wanting her to ruin my baby shower since she had her own plans anyway. While it may be very well so that she has been waiting for this day, then I don't see why she can't keep her own shower where she can have the ability to plan it as she so desires and save money by not traveling up, also giving my other relatives the chance to participate. And again, I never uninvited her or told her to her face that I didn't want her to be there. I was only thinking that on my own since she said some rude things to me about the entire situation.

Anyway, based on what others have said, I'll just keep my original plans and invite her to my friends shower. It will be on her to come or not.

michelegong · April 2016

That's a good idea ! Thanks :-)

bearsandbeets7 · April 2016

Ceventa said:

Side note: "Feel the love" was an actual term used by both my father and my mother-in-law when they expressed how they weren't feeling involved enough in my first pregnancy

Sounds like we have the same in laws lol. Mine said the exact same thing when I was pregnant with DD. I'm not sure how someone could be more included in a pregnancy unless your me or DH.

michelegong · April 2016

I agree!

michelegong · April 2016

bananers said:

I think you should invite her, but not combine showers. I'm sure you can find some etiquette article that states it's fine to have multiple showers if she still needs convincing. Personally, I HATE huge showers because it takes forever to open the gifts unless the mom totally rushes through it, and then it feels impersonal. I would much rather break up the shower into logical subgroups, with maybe the grandmas and one or two other VIPs invited to more than one as a courtesy.

I am leaning towards just inviting her

That's a good idea. I will look something up to show her its pretty common. I can only imagine how chaotic it can get with too many people.

michelegong · April 2016

Ceventa said:

Yeah I would just keep the showers separate. There is nothing wrong with having more than one shower, especially if others are choosing to throw them for you. It's not like you are throwing two showers yourself! I would send her an invite just to keep the peace, however I would also not mention the other shower to her anymore. Just if she asks keep the details to the minimum and focus on the shower she's throwing for you to make her "feel the love".

Side note: "Feel the love" was an actual term used by both my father and my mother-in-law when they expressed how they weren't feeling involved enough in my first pregnancy

haha, yeah exactly

I'll do that for keeping the peace. It seems the better thing to do. Good point, I will not mention anymore about the other shower. I'll focus on the one she is planning. If she still wants to do it, that is!

michelegong · April 2016

Disneygeek77 said:

I had three showers. One family, one church and one work. It is actually very normal.

I would just invite her to the NoCA one but said your friend is handling everything and doesn't need a co-host. You want her there as a guest. Also look up hotel prices on priceline or hotwire. You might be able to get a good deal.

Yeah, maybe it's good she can be there as a guest rather than a host. I'll invite her and pray that she is in a good mood the day of! good idea, I'll check hotels just in case.

michelegong · April 2016

1faceinacrowd said:

It's totally normal to have more than one baby shower! I've heard of it happening with LOTS of people. Sometimes coworkers throw a separate one, sometimes two sides of the family throw separate ones. Totally normal!
Also, did you ask your mom how other family members can be involved if she just combines hers into your friend's? Maybe point out a couple of specific family members who wouldn't be able to attend (e.g. Grandma who can't travel that far, Aunts with busy work schedules, etc.) and see what she says. Tell her that you would rather have your other family members involved so their feelings aren't hurt.

It seems it is definitely more common these days!

That's a good point to mention. I didn't think of that. I will run it by her and ask her what she was thinking regarding other relatives who wouldn't be able to make it if she were to cancel hers. Thanks!

michelegong · April 2016

ThisisNumber3 said:

I think you need to invite her and be the bigger person. If she's still all immature about it and doesn't come, thats her problem.

After everyone's advice, that seems the right thing to do, so I will

Very true, it's up to her to make the final decision. Thank you!

Disneygeek77 · April 2016

Call me cynical, but this is what I think happened. I think your mom liked the idea of throwing you a shower, but backed off when it came to actually planning it and paying for it. When you mentioned your friend throwing you a shower she might have thought of this as her out. She could strongarm your friend into using all of your mom's ideas but the friend would still have to do the dirty work of planning it out and would help pay for the event.

Yeah just tell her that your friend doesn't need a co-host and is very happy with the Dr. Seuss theme, but she and sis can come as guests.

ballofmeat · April 2016

Disneygeek77 said:

Call me cynical, but this is what I think happened. I think your mom liked the idea of throwing you a shower, but backed off when it came to actually planning it and paying for it. When you mentioned your friend throwing you a shower she might have thought of this as her out. She could strongarm your friend into using all of your mom's ideas but the friend would still have to do the dirty work of planning it out and would help pay for the event.

Yeah just tell her that your friend doesn't need a co-host and is very happy with the Dr. Seuss theme, but she and sis can come as guests.

This is a really big assumption...a horrible assumption.

haboobjob · April 2016

My mom and I have a confusing/strained relationship. I understand your feeling about not wanting to invite her to your appointment or the other shower. My mom threw a huge fit during my last pregnancy when I scheduled a special ultrasound for all the grandparents. Unfortunately DD was breech (we knew this was highly likely going in but hoped she had flipped) and there was no way to see her in the position she was in. My mom started bawling and making a scene as my in-laws looked on. Awkward.

Sometimes it can be hard to balance out such a special moment in both of your lives. I've found, specifically in my case, that showers or special things thrown by my mom or where she is involved have been more about her than me. My mom envisions things in a specific way and wants the attention on her. That may be why she reacted in such a way to the other baby shower. The best way I've handled this situation is to just invite her, accept that she may not be on her best behavior, and focus on all the love that's around from your friends. This is your special moment she can't take that away from you even if she's being difficult. Good luck!

ballofmeat · April 2016

justaudrey said:

My mom and I have a confusing/strained relationship. I understand your feeling about not wanting to invite her to your appointment or the other shower. My mom threw a huge fit during my last pregnancy when I scheduled a special ultrasound for all the grandparents. Unfortunately DD was breech (we knew this was highly likely going in but hoped she had flipped) and there was no way to see her in the position she was in. My mom started bawling and making a scene as my in-laws looked on. Awkward.

Sometimes it can be hard to balance out such a special moment in both of your lives. I've found, specifically in my case, that showers or special things thrown by my mom or where she is involved have been more about her than me. My mom envisions things in a specific way and wants the attention on her. That may be why she reacted in such a way to the other baby shower. The best way I've handled this situation is to just invite her, accept that she may not be on her best behavior, and focus on all the love that's around from your friends. This is your special moment she can't take that away from you even if she's being difficult. Good luck!

Well said.

Want a personalized experience?

Baby Shower woes...difficult mother

Re: Baby Shower woes...difficult mother

Choose Another Board

Search Boards