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CRJones1978 · April 2016

Hello ladies. My name is Courtney and I'm 38. I've been married for a little over 3 years and DH is also 38. We do not have any children. Yesterday, we found out that we're going to experience the 3rd miscarriage. I have a condition called adenomyosis, which could be causing the embryos not to implant well and develop after that. Or it could be that the egg quality could be sub-par. Either way, there isn't much I can do about either.

My RE told me yesterday that after miscarriages people start to blame themselves. It's not working so it's something that I'm doing or not doing. Pregnancies, he said, are well insulated from the mother so that early on there isn't much you can do to influence outcomes. That made sense to me and didn't make me feel so terrible. However, as what normally happens, I tried to fight back tears on the way home. I didn't make it. I mostly stayed quiet yesterday. DH was trying his best to take care of me but when I'm upset or scared I can be mean. I was sitting on the edge of the bed terrified. The pain of miscarriage mirrors the pain of a regular period and sometimes it becomes unbearable. I want it to be over. There wasn't much there so a D&C would have been unnecessary.

Today, I'm at work. Nothing has started yet so I'm here pretending like everything is okay or I'm just not feeling well. Meanwhile, I feel myself falling apart. I'm barely holding on to my sanity and no one here knows. This can be such a lonely and depressing time. I'm trying to keep up appearances but I really just want to be alone.

Mostly I wonder when will this be all over and a distant memory. When will I be holding my baby. It all seems like it will never happen.

vssbrm · April 2016

I am sorry to read what you are going through. It is really not fair. Be good to yourself. Science can do so many things these days, hopefully you and your doctor will be able to find the recipe to get that baby in your arms.

CRJones1978 · April 2016

Thank you @vssbrm. He told us to wait a few months and try again. He's hopeful so I'm trying to be. It's not until these things happen that you realize how common miscarriage is - even recurrent miscarriage. It can be so isolating especially when everyone around you seems to be pregnant and having babies. Everyone except you.

Well, I'm waiting so we can start again.

BrightenMySky · April 2016

I am sorry for your losses. It is ok to cry. I hear you on falling apart on the inside while you're trying to hold it together.

A few suggestions, if you want them:
Does your RE specialize in RPL? If not, is there someone in your area who does that you could go to for another opinion?
Have you been on the miscarriage/loss board on TB at all? If not, I would encourage you to wander over and see if you would benefit from the support of that board as well as this one.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@CRJones1978 I am so sorry for your losses. It is absolutely isolating and can challenge even the strongest relationships. Please know there is truly nothing you have done to cause these events. That said, I know how often I (still) feel guilt for my body not being able to do something it was made to do. It's so hard to not let it affect you.

You are not alone. Vent here any time. We can support one another.

I echo what @BrightenMySky mentioned. If you can find someone who specializes in RPL, it may help you to have more optimism. My RE has renewed hope where I had none. If you plan to stay with your current provider, have you all talked about ways to work around your condition?

You're in my thoughts. Big hugs. xo

Kp214 · April 2016

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard. It's ok to cry. Things will be ok. Hugs.

CRJones1978 · April 2016

Hello again, ladies. Today, I am surprisingly in good spirits. I can't really explain it. I just feel good about my life and where we are right now. Other times, I was a mess so soon after the news. I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm grateful to have a place here to vent when necessary.

kjones202 · April 2016

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel like our stories are similar. Taking it one day at a time is good - that's what I have tried to do. And that way, you don't get too far ahead of yourself and drive yourself crazy with all of the "what ifs." You are in good company here. And if you can, give yourself a "me day" from work and do whatever you want to do for 24 hours. After one of our miscarriages, I took the day off and went to a matinee movie by myself and ate about 7 gallons of popcorn. I was literally the only one in the theater. It was glorious. Just know that you are not alone, and you WILL be holding that baby of yours.

CRJones1978 · April 2016

Thank you @kjones202. I'm schedule to be off a few days the beginning of May and I absolutely cannot wait. I plan on doing a lot of things just for me. I haven't told DH husband I'm off because I really want to be alone those days.

srh18 · April 2016

@CRJones1978 I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I know that this process can feel so impossible sometimes. I'm glad you found this place though--the ladies here are really incredible and are so understanding and supportive. Thinking of you.

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