Labor and Delivery Advice - Help please!!

katewulf · April 2016

First, this is our second child. With our first, my L&D was lengthy and complicated (induction due to placental abruption, posterior birth presentation, post delivery hemorrhage, and chorioamnionitis for me and DS.) Hopefully this time around lacks all of the above!!

I was in labor for 60 hours. My parents live 4 hours away, and our in-laws live an hour and 20 minutes away. I alerted my parents that I was bleeding and was going to be induced so that my mother (an RN) could come up as soon as possible. She is my mom, she's a medical professional, and she makes me very comfortable! The hospital has a privacy and security policy that allows no more than 3 people to wear a (non-transferrable) bracelet to gain entry to L&D. DH had one, and when my parents arrived that night, we gave them the other 2 so that we could sit and chat because we knew it would be a while. I knew this meant my own sister couldn't see me until after I had our son, even after she had made a 4 hour trip.

My MIL wanted to be made aware when I was in labor, so we called my in laws, let them know it was going to be a while, and said we would call them when they should come down. My MIL insisted that she wanted to come down sooner. DH explained the "3 bracelet rule" to her, and told her she wouldn't be able to come into my room until I was moved to recovery after the baby was born. She came down anyway, and long story short, she was upset/disappointed that she wasn't allowed in. FIL also complained that my labor "took a long time" and that they had to wait forever to see us afterwards (because I was hemorrhaging). When their relatives came to our house to visit, they complained that I didn't allow my MIL in after she made the trip down.

All of this aside, I don't WANT anyone in my L&D room besides my DH. We made an exception for my parents because I wanted to talk to my mother when she arrived at the hospital, and I wanted her opinion about everything. And... I just wanted my mom!

This time around, I don't want any unwanted guests trying to get into my delivery room or being annoyed that I "didn't let them in." Just having an "audience" in the waiting room was stressful enough, especially when they complained about how long everything took, and to this day don't seem to grasp that there were medical complications. I know the only way to keep them away is to let them know after the baby has been born, and not before. The problem is, my parents are planning on watching our son during the birth (a neighbor is watching him until they arrive,) so we will need to tell them. Am I setting myself up for drama by telling my parents that I'm in labor and not his? Has anyone been in this type of situation? What is a tactful way of expressing our wishes??

marajay6 · April 2016

I hate to say it, but with family like that, I don't think that there is any way to prevent the drama. Since it is his family, you need to have your husband take charge of the communication and also stand up to them and tell them to shut it when they start complaining. A few harsh words may be needed, but trying to be sensitive to insensitive people doesn't work too well.

Sarafuss · April 2016

I have a similar family situation. With my second baby we told my in-laws that we would call them when they could come down and they disregarded that and showed up when they wanted. I would just explain to them that this time, only DH will be in L&D, your parents are watching your son so they will also not be in L&D. You will call them when you are ready for them to visit. If they choose not to listen to that then the waiting outside is their choice, not yours. They could wait comfortably at home instead. They may not like that but there really isn't anything you can do to keep them from feeling the way they feel.

We will not be telling anyone when we go to the hospital (other than my mom, who will be watching our kids). I also choose to have my information kept private when I check in to the hospital. So if someone calls or shows up asking for my room number the staff says that no one is registered here by that name.

eboyd83 · April 2016

well, it's kind of good that the hospital has this non transferable 3 bracelet rule. once you give out your bracelets it just too bad. Some people are so weird though, this is such a personal experience.

SaraJuul · April 2016

I agree with @marajay6. My husband and I have an understanding that anything with his family he handles, and I handle everything with my family. I'd make it known now that you don't want anyone at the hospital until after the baby has arrived. They need to respect that, it's your privacy, your baby, your delivery.

steminist · April 2016

I would just not tell them until after the birth! You can always play it like things were hectic and there just wasn't time to make the call. If they make a fuss, it will be after the fact and you can fake an apology, then boot them out under the pretense of needing to rest! I know my mom will need some forceful persuasion to get her out of the room, so I am not above a bit of a white lie, if needed!

anneb644 · April 2016

And even if that's not the plan right now, if labor comes around and you again "just want your mom" - that's fine! You can invite her into L&D and not your MIL, FIL, etc. Just because some people have funny notions in their heads doesn't mean that you have to deprive yourself of the support you want during L&D.

As PP have said, your body, your baby, your delivery.

cmiska · April 2016

I agree with the above posters. Save tact for when you are hosting a dinner party. This is your delivery and you shouldn't have to worry about anyone else. If you don't want to tell your in laws until baby is here, great. If you want your mom in L&D and not your MIL, also great. There is no wrong or rude way to do YOUR delivery. How other people react to situations is completely out of your control and it's the last thing you need to be worrying about. They will all get over it in the end anyway. Good luck!

mommytimesfour · April 2016

I think not telling them would probably create more drama for you to deal with, so if I were in your shoes I'd either have a chat with your MIL or have your H do it and set firm boundaries ahead of time. Make it clear that you do not wish to have any visitors until after your LO is here. Also, when you arrive at the hospital let the nurses know you don't want any visitors and they'll usually be happy to be the "bad guy" and not let anyone in should your in laws disrespect your wishes and come anyway after you've asked them not to. Ultimately, you have the say in this and it's YOUR delivery.

KarlaMCurry · April 2016

We have never had a problem with family members insisting they be in the delivery room and we have never had people just waiting outside (I thought that just happened in movies!). We don't call everyone and tell them our business, just drop the kids off or have them picked up at the hospital by the grandparents. The rest of the family might be texted sometime during the process, but they usually find out when the baby is born. As far as I know, no one has ever been offended. And luckily, we don't have visitors till the next day (probably because our deliveries have been later in the day). As far as I know, there's a process for signing in, and they won't give out your information for visitors unless you want them to.

camichael84 · April 2016

@KarlaMCurry We had almost the whole family waiting in the waiting room when my DD was born (my parents, MIL and FIL, my brother and SIL, amd two of DH's cousins). It was not my doing. DH called them when I was about to push (at 8 am) and relayed to them that I was pushing, but not to hurry to the hospital because even once she was there, we weren't letting anyone back until we were moved to the postpartum room. Of course, everyone took it as a sign to head to the hospital right then. They were there to hear the lullaby play in the waiting room when she was born, but all ended up leaving to go get breakfast shortly after. I felt kind of guilty they waited so long, but it was their choice. I'm hoping they learned from that to not show up this time until we announce baby is here.

OP, I don't think there is anything wrong until waiting until the baby is born to let everyone know. You have to let your parents know for the obvious reason that you need them to babysit. Hopefully the excitement of the new grandbaby will outshine the fact that they weren't allowed to wait in the waiting room.

katewulf · April 2016

Thanks, everyone! You've all been very helpful

I am pretty non-confrontational and have a hard time standing up for myself, and when it comes to my IL's, my husband does too. We hate conflict, but in this case it's more important that we are feeling good about our delivery!

LeahKnits · April 2016

My in-laws live on the other side of the country and my husband always calls his dad right when I go into labor. It kind of bothers me, because I'd prefer that nobody knows that I'm in labor. I don't want people thinking about me being in labor. I don't worry about it though, because I know that it makes him feel better to talk to his dad. I'm not as flexible with his mom. I don't want her to know anything until the baby is born. And even then, she doesn't need to know any of the details about the birth. It's very personal, and I prefer to keep that kind of thing private. MIL doesn't know about anything until the baby is here and everything has calmed down. Then we call and tell her that baby is here. I don't worry about drama, because I don't care. It's my body and my baby. We're going to do this my way.

KimmySchmidt · April 2016

I like the idea of letting no one in. Then they won't feel left out like they might have with your first. I think I waiting until the baby is born is setting your in laws up for hurt feelings, especially if they're expecting a call when you go into labor. As others have said, it is your labor and your choice, but I would brace yourself for some blowback. If you're trying to avoid drama, I doubt that tactic will work.

I told everyone I was in labor once I got to the hospital. My mother and my MIL waited together at my house until I had the baby, at which point they all drove together to the hospital and all got to meet the baby at the same time

Maybe be your husband can say to them "I will be the only one in the delivery room with DW. We are planning on waiting on visitors until she has had a couple hours to recoup. When would you like the phone call?" That way you can be firm about the plan but you're still allowing them the illusion of some control over the situation.

yellowrose314 · April 2016

We're planning to have it be just DH and I together during the labour as far as family goes, but I'll also have a close friend who's a trained doula. I am super close with my mom and DH is as well, and since she lives down the road from us she will probably make an appearance, but we've made it clear we'd just like it to be the two of us during the actual delivery. DH's mom is not happy with us right now, she wanted to stay with us as soon as the baby got here but we live in a 1 bedroom basement suite and it's just not practical; I don't want anyone else in our space those first few weeks except maybe to visit. We've told all our respective family members that if they want to visit us we'd prefer they come to the hospital so we can have some alone time at home after, and most of them are cool with that except for MIL. DH pretty much told her that this is our choice and she has to respect it, and she can come visit when invited. Super proud of him for finally starting to stand up to her, he is very nonconfrontational but she's been so pushy since I got pregnant.

SarahDarah333 · April 2016

I can't believe that they actually gave you grief for being in labor for too long!!! Like it was a personal choice you made just to inconvenience them. UGH! And the fact that they disregarded your wishes and came too soon anyway. Double UGH! After all that, I would talk to DH and see if he's okay with letting his folks know once the baby has arrived, or maybe call them once you've crowned so they can't get there too soon. Otherwise get him to set a firm boundary with them, and stick to it. If they show up before they're invited, they will not see the baby- not until you are ready, and not just because they are there.

I worry about this exact situation. I plan on having DH be my bouncer lol! We live within 2 miles of my mother, sisters, grandmother, aunt, and his mother, and I know they will want to come to the hospital before I'm ready. Like you, I'll want my mom at least there in the wings in case I want her in the room- but she already knows, and agrees, only if I ask for her to enter the delivery room is she to come in. Other than that, I want everyone to wait till I've recovered a few hours, give the baby a chance to adjust to being in this world. Our hospital is a little under an hour away, so I'm hoping that will keep people at bay- and for a first kid, it will be a while till the baby makes an actual appearance. I would die if my MIL came into the delivery room. I just don't want to see anyone but DH and maybe my mom and one of my sisters until I'm through with delivery, and then some.

asht · April 2016

I ended up with a c-section the first time and was pissed that my at the time partner had let visitors see my child before I was able(had difficulties in recovery). This time around I have a different partner and have made it very clear that nobody is to come visit until the second day not even family. You have to make the choice both of you are ok with and stick to it.

glitzandglam · April 2016

I like KimmySchmidt recommendation. And I would add on that he should include "She hemorrhaged badly last time and it took awhile to get that under control. I'm not sure you guys know how scared I was of losing her. We're really glad to have your support. Her parents will be watching (name of son), so if you wanted to come over the house that would be great (if you feel that way).
I understand wanting to avoid conflict, but you want to make sure you don't become a doormat and end up resentful.

homebird · April 2016

I would just say that I don't want anyone in the delivery room besides my husband. If you do decide you want your mom there this time, I would totally say "I just want my husband and I want my mommy!" haha. If she doesn't get it, than nothing you say will get the point across to her. Sounds like she's just one of those people that likes to complain and/or likes drama.

OBMommy · April 2016

As an OB nurse, I'm always willing to take the blame if my patient doesn't want visitors or anyone extra in the delivery room. Explain the situation to your nurse and ask her to say they're limiting visitors bc of _______. She won't mind and will be happy to keep the drama to a minimum.

homebird · April 2016

OBMommy said:

As an OB nurse, I'm always willing to take the blame if my patient doesn't want visitors or anyone extra in the delivery room. Explain the situation to your nurse and ask her to say they're limiting visitors bc of _______. She won't mind and will be happy to keep the drama to a minimum.

Oh, right! I forgot about this. My nurse and MW offered to do this for me, so don't hesitate to ask.

sarahg8r · April 2016

This is so hard because everyone is excited and wants to be there, but when you're the one in labor, you shouldn't have to worry about hurting people's feelings!

I can can definuteky relate...my mom is a nurse anesthetist, and I wanted her in the room last time as well. MIL didn't complain, but I still felt like I had to allow everyone in right after delivery even though I wasn't ready yet.

This time, I think I just want DH and I'd like my parents to stay with DS. In a perfect world, ILs wouldn't come until at least a few hours after delivery. I just don't know how to communicate that to them without hurting their feelings!

UnwritteN12 · April 2016

I'm really sorry that you went through that. I think DH needs to be completely upfront with his parents. You don't need to compromise what you want to ensure your in-laws are happy. That just seems ridiculous to me.
With my c-section with DS and DD, everyone was in the waiting room, which was ok. But I made sure to tell DH that if anyone besides me held those babies first (excluding him of course - and, honestly, that was even hard) there would be no forgiveness there. This time we've decided that we won't even allow anyone to visit until day #2. I'm less worried about hurting their feelings and more concerned with ensuring that the 6 of us have some time together, just us, right away.

Labor and Delivery Advice - Help please!!

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