Stay at Home Moms
SMac2013
member
not sure how to title this but lost and frustrated
SMac2013
member
i know this is going to sound super selfish but I have to vent somewhere. Being a mommy is driving me insane. I have googled things like "how to embrace being a sahm and how to survive being a sahm" but I still find myself in this emotional whirlwind. I hate it. I am lucky to be able to stay at home and help my son develop and not have to worry about stress of a job. I am lucky that my husbands job allows me to not have to send our son to daycare while I sub. (Teacher but no full time jobs have been available in my area for years) BUT the constant waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers through tantrums, the TANTRUMS alone, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner while feeding a kid at the same time, worrying about if I am interacting enough or allowing enough exploration time, constantly folding laundry, cleaning floors, and the dishwasher.. How I loathe unloading it... Bath time, naptime, teething, the fact none of my clothes fit and my body is completely different now. (I wore a pair of underwear backwards the other day and didn't even notice... Wtf?) IM DONE. I just feel so blah about it all. I have a 13 month old son and a 31 year old(husband) I feel like all I do I care for. I know what I am doing is important to our baby and I would probably hate if I worked and had to send him to daycare but I am just so burnt out of "mommy hood". I feel guilty because I know my husband wants more kids and I have made it clear (almost weekly if not daily) that I never want anymore kids. Partly because of him. My husband, not my son. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore because I am constantly irritated at him. I shouldn't complain about him. He cooks dinner every night (partly because he is super picky) he gives our son a good bit of attention, and even changes a diaper here and there. I am just so jealous of him it drives me insane. I just don't understand the way men think- like I am starting to dread weekends when he's home because I get jealous. Especially with fishing season coming up. He goes away for the weekend with friends, drinks, fishes, and gets a vacation from life. but could I go away for a weekend? Nope. No break from life. Like I want a day to myself. Hell, 2 hours that isn't nap time or shower time would be nice. I don't want to have to do anything for anyone else other than myself. And it's selfish. I know I gave all that up when those two pink lines showed up. And I should embrace all this, and enjoy having a son, but I'm not. I don't know what to do. I can leave my son with my parents for a break but it's not the same. I WANT my husband to want to hang out with our kid by himself, to want to give him a bath so I am not doing it every single time, to want to make him a snack or a meal, to change a diaper instead of saying "hey mommy I pooped" and passing him to me. I can be overbearing sometimes and I'm sure I have been and that has probably contributed to me doing almost everything but I am just exhausted. And this is why I don't want anymore. Because I will be the one at home constantly with another child doing everything. I fee guilty and selfish for saying all this but I need to get it off my chest.
Re: not sure how to title this but lost and frustrated
Of course you want/need/deserve a break!! Have you tried talking to your husband about it? I've been a sahm for over 5 yrs now. It's a very demanding job. My hubby works a lot but that doesn't mean I don't get "me" time. I plan nights out (alone & with my dh), day trips even the occasional overnight adventure with my girls. You're good to no one if you're not good to yourself! Do you have anyone who can watch your son for you during the day or at night?
A few years later, we talked about trying for another baby and I told him " No, I don't think so." HE asked why and I told him the truth. YEah he might have given her a bottle at night and yeah he changed some diapers, but he still wasn't there for me when I needed him the most and he put his need to sleep over mine. I even told him I was having day dreams of leaving him. That was when he got it. HE promised that if we had another he would help out more and sure enough he did. We have three now and even though he works and I stay at home, we still take turns feeding the baby at night and getting my oldest ready for school.
I think for me, I had to stop putting pressure on myself to feel lucky or blessed to stay at home. Being a stay at home mom is hard, just like being a working mom is hard. They are both hard and each have their advantages and disadvantages. Yes there are days when it is snowing and the roads are terrible that I think " Oh I am so glad I don't have to go out in this " but then there are other days when my son is screaming at me because even though he got the yogurt he asked for breakfast, he now changed his mind and wants cereal instead and his screaming woke up his sister and I just want to curl up in a ball and die because I have been hearing this all day, every day. So..yeah, it's hard.
What you are going through with your husband is unfair. Tell him that for every fishing trip, you get a girls weekend. You aren't being selfish, your husband is the A-hole here. Maybe sign up for something so you get a break too. I know I started going to a women's bible study and joined a mom's group too.
Also, please stop telling yourself that you are selfish. You absolutely are not. It is normal and very healthy to want time to yourself. As you can see, when you don't have that time, it can lead to misery and resentment and anger.