How to tell my husband..

JanuarysBaby1 · April 2016

that I want to be a SAHM. The end of my maternity leave is coming close and the thought of leaving my my LO is making me depressed. My parents are going to watch her while my husband and I are at work. I'm very appreciative and I know we're very fortunate that my parents are going to babysit but I would like to stay home with my baby, at least for a year. I want to bring this up to my husband but I have a feeling it may turn into an agrument. My LO is 3 months old. Has anyone who was suppose to return work decided not to?

littlecrimsonjester · April 2016

I didn't, I was a little nervous about discussing the possibility with my husband. I made sure we could afford it. We talked about it and decided together it was the right thing for our family. What I am saying is go into as a discussion and that should help. My job was horrible though and it wasn't worth the stress on both of us with a baby at home.

BabyHope2013 · April 2016

Not to say that your feelings aren't valid at all---but from my experience in going back to work with DS1 three years ago I felt this same way. I followed the advice I was given and went back to work initially. I found that after a few weeks it wasn't all that bad as I thought it would be. I also was better able to rationalize with myself the financial reasons why it was better for me to remain working. Again--not to say that you are in the wrong to wanting to be a SAHM mom, but you might want to voice your feelings with your husband and try to go back to work and see how you feel after a few weeks--especially if your parents are going to watch your LO and you know they are in a good place. Also something to consider, some employers will require you to pay back or pay for the benefits they spent on you while you were on maternity leave if you do not return. Good luck with your decision.

mwalles · April 2016

You could approach him on a "trial run" basis. There will still be jobs out there in say 3 months? If your family can't afford it or it puts too much stress on dh then talk about it again in 3 months and go from there. That way you're not just asking right off the bat for a whole year. I stayed home. I flipflopped back and forth until the week I was supposed to go back. Now I will go back when I'm ready and I'm not worried about finding a job! Good luck momma!

l4rk · April 2016

I would just tell him and go from there? Honestly, usually the financial angle is the best one and it doesn't apply when you have free grandparent-care, so I think you're asking a lot of your DH.

Maybe he will be all for it, or maybe he will be horrified at the suggestion. You won't know until you talk. Just remember that he's in this too and his opinion is just as valid. If he wants your dual income as bad as you want to be a SAHM, then working is something you still need to strongly consider.

I also think you need to do a trial run on your potential new household income before making a final decision. The reality of a tighter budget is a lot tougher than the idea of it.

BarrettJ89 · April 2016

I worked at a school for students with autism. We took a 13% pay cut this year, I was off for 4 months with pregnancy and baby, and I had already switched to my SO's insurance. In the classroom I was working, one of our students got moved, therefore, I too, would have gotten shuffled, rather than going back to my original position. And as much as I love my students, I've been hurt physically a few times. I need to be my best for our kids. For us, having two kids 1 and under, combined with the pay cut, we wouldn't be able to afford day care, and as much as we love my parents, we weren't sure that they could truly handle both littles. Plus, they are retired and love to travel, so by having them watch the kids, they were giving up a lot for no pay, and for me to bring home maybe $150 every two weeks for working full time.

Cricket99 · April 2016

I was substitute teaching and decided not to go back as my pay for one day would almost all go to child care for LO. Luckily, DH just got a promotion and a significant enough pay raise that I don't have to work. Eventually I would like to go back to work, but for now I am enjoying being a SAHM and going to play groups. Do what works for your family

krrpe99 · April 2016

I would start with "I've been thinking a lot about what it would take for me to stay home with LO instead of working." Then see where the conversation goes. I would try and have some real issues that are going to arise and how you will deal with them (things you may have to give up due to reduced family income.) Realistically, you may have to go back for a while since it's so close the end of maternity leave. Making a huge decision like this takes time - both physically to prepare for and mentally to adjust.
Also, go into the conversation knowing that the answer could be no. The two of you have to figure out what is best for everyone.

deedeecmc79 · April 2016

I am a STM and am now wanting to stay with the kids while they are little. I went back at 4 months with my first and it wasn't that bad and actually it gave me some feeling of freedom back. I do however feel I missed a lot in doing full time work. I understand how you feel my husband is a little nervous about me taking the year off. Would part time be an option?

mrscammack · April 2016

I approached it by making sure we could afford it and telling DH about my anxieties of leaving DD in daycare and how I knew it would be more beneficial for us all if I could be home with her. As someone raised by a SAHM he was very understanding and agreed it was ideal, provided our finances could handle it. I'm in Canada so I get a year for maternity leave anyway and we don't have to make a final decision for a while yet, but when the time comes DH and I agreed to look at our expenses vs his income and if we're in the green he is fine with me staying home until DD is 2 or 3. I also agreed that if it becomes too much of a load for him to carry everything on his own or our financial picture changes I will start looking for a job right away. I would just sit down with your DH and explain your concerns and desires and hopefully he's open to at least discussing how feasible it is for you to be a SAHM and is willing to at least give it a trail run. Good luck

m6tonner · April 2016

I went back to work at 12 weeks (I've been back 2 full weeks), but working 30 hours instead of 40. I've been struggling, and cry in my office most days. We did out the math yesterday about what I make vs how much I'm paying for insurance and daycare, and my take home is barely more than $100 a week. We looked into obamacare, and our insurance options cost significantly less than I'm paying through my employer. His exact words were "why the f are you working?" I'm going to go back to waitressing/bar tending a few hours on the weekends for some cash flow. I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted, i had such a hard time leaving baby with the sitter.

JanuarysBaby1 · April 2016

Thanks for the input, ladies. After reading all the helpful replies, I decided to take the advice to approach my husband with the suggestion of a"trail" period of staying home with the baby. He didn't like the idea. So it turned into an argument where we didn't talk to each other for 2 days. Can we afford it financially? Yes. But he doesn't like the idea of not being able to save as much money as we were able to when I was working. Which I totally undetstand, but staying home and raising my baby is more important to me. So I will be returning to work next week to make my husband happy and I will not be.

l4rk · April 2016

@JanuarysBaby1 I'm sorry the conversation didn't work out for you. That's really disappointing. Maybe if you give work your all, you can revisit the conversation in a couple months?

jessjuhnke · April 2016

l4rk said:

@JanuarysBaby1 I'm sorry the conversation didn't work out for you. That's really disappointing. Maybe if you give work your all, you can revisit the conversation in a couple months?

This. Would your husband be open to tracking expenses etc and revisiting the topic again? Maybe if he has some time with it on his mind and the actual reality of LO being in daycare he would be more open to you staying at home or maybe even part time? I hope it works out!

l4rk · April 2016

I just wanted to add that I do think if you are too open in your resentment, you'll just make it a sore point and never get your way. Your husband will automatically get his defenses up. That's why I think you should go to work and put a smIle on your face (even though it's hard) for at least a couple months before you bring it up again.

JanuarysBaby1 · April 2016

@l4rk I agree. I'm trying to move pass this whole thing as best as possible without being resentful towards him. We have been on pretty good terms since we started talking again. I'm trying to avoid any agruments relating to me going back to work until of course when I bring it up again in a few months lol. But until then, as you said, next week I will put a fake smile on my face and off to work I go. Thanks for the advice.

nackie · April 2016

@JanuarysBaby1 also, give work a chance, just in case he never agrees to it. I know several people that thought they wanted to stay home but ended up being happy they went back.

mekaswifestyle · April 2016

My hubby actually wanted me to be a sahm. .. I've done it for 3 months and now I can't wait to get back to work lol

ChrissyD1203 · April 2016

Granted I work from home (while baby stays with our nanny) - but I love working, helped me feel normal again. I do miss the time with her though

kodariah · April 2016

I guess I'm kind of a brat, I wanted to stay home and we can afford it so it wasn't his decision. I know in marriage you have to work together and agree but ultimately if you're going to be miserable going back to work its really unfair for your husband to ask you to continue to work. I have had to cut back and go without stupid things I would have had to have pre baby but its worth it to spend my time with my little one. Of course I live in an area where being a SAHM is the norm so that might have made the decision easier.

alisongem · April 2016

As much as I thought I wanted to be a SAHM, and absolutely dreaded going back, I ended up appreciating my job. I did have my hours cut (4-5 hours a day instead of 6-8) and it's really worked out well for us. Maybe something like that could be a compromise. It's a little mental break of not constantly taking care of LO's every little need, my parents watch mine so since I can trust them, I know she'll get whatever she needs and I wont have to worry. Whatever you end up doing, good luck!

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