I Suck

apiland · April 2016

I am going to sound like a horrible person, but I need to get this off my chest and don't know where else to do it.

I am so fucking done with it all. I done with not sleeping, I'm done with having a husband that doesn't do jack shit to help me out. I feel like the worst mom in the world because I'm so fucking irritated with my baby not sleeping. I got 3 hours last night. She's fucking 6.5 months old. Yes, I know she could be teething, going through a growth spurt, whatever, but holy shit, give me a fucking break. Today she won't nap anywhere on me, yes I love snuggles but my back is killing me and her sleeping on me doesn't allow me to nap or feel any relief from my back. The last doctor's appointment went terrible because apparently I'm a terrible mom since I refuse to make her CIO and I can't get her to eat solids. You don't think I fucking want her eating solids!? I'd love for my boobs to have a little break from this shit! I can't want to be done breastfeeding and I never thought I would say that. I just want my baby to play by herself so I can do something for me. I want my fucking husband to man up and stop having excuses for shit. I want to be a stay at home mom, but at the rate I'm going, that would be the shittiest idea on the fucking planet. I can't imagine how terrible she is going to be as an adult with me as a mom. Today I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world, but then who would take care of my beautiful girl? As much as she fucking pisses me off at times, I couldn't be happier to have her in my life. I have spent the whole fucking morning crying because of these frustrations and now I have to go function as a fucking adult and go to work at a shitty job that I hate just so that we can have the insurance so I can have another kid. Really? Me ruin another kid's life!?

Rant over, sorry for all the fucks...

ZebraStripe · April 2016

I think we all have the same feelings your having at some point.
My son was exactly like this. I was up every 2 hours until Saturday night. I thought it was the teething or a growth spurt and then I had a lightbulb moment. Everytime I'd go in to his room and change him before feeding, his diaper was soaked. I changed to overnight diapers and for the first time ever he slept from 7-7!
Hes also not big on solids but I'm letting that slide. I still put food on his tray and try to get some food into his mouth, but I know it's more exploration and discovery right now and the eating part will come. I know it feels like it will never happen but I promise it will.
Have you expressed any of your feelings with your husband?

apiland · April 2016

Yes, he says he'll help, then when it comes down to it, it's just talk

BrandiLaw87 · April 2016

I agree with pp, we all feel like this at some point. It sounds cliche, but being a mom is really hard. And some men just don't get it. Lately my husband has really been grinding me the wrong way. We don't have a perfect marriage by any means but I can't remember ever feeling this way towards him. I'm just getting so tired of doing everything on my own, it's like why are you even here? I was doing early prep for dinner this morning (to make things easier tonight) and he was barking orders at me from the couch. Ugh, get up and get your own damn stuff, I'm busy. Then he makes comments like "oh mommy can't multitask" are you kidding me?!?

Anyways, I'm here to commiserate with you. I clearly don't have much advice. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone on your feelings and it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mommy. This too shall pass!

apiland · April 2016

I hate that! Just because I work evenings, he expects me to do all errands involving him, me, or baby. I'm like hey, I'm really working two jobs, it's not easy running around with a baby in tow!

dmbfan46835 · April 2016

I'm so sorry you are going thru this!! And I personally liked all the fucks. Get it out mama. This mom shit is stressful as hell. And tell that husband if he's not gonna help he can get the hell out. It's hard enough to take care of you and your daughter, but then you have to baby his ass too. He's a burden at this point. He can help or get the hell out of the way.

mrsmctaggart6 · April 2016

You don't suck, we all have these feelings at some point, I personally might kick my husbands arse if I find one more bottle/can/wrapper on the counter a foot away from the gd'd trash can... I'm just calling him my other baby at this point... I really love it when he comes home, has his wind down time and then looks at me an "what's for dinner?" I don't bloody know, I've been taking care of a baby and trying to clean all day, you figure it out! Argh

wannabeamongoose · April 2016

Isn't it nice to know we aren't alone when we feel this way? We all have those moments where we are over it/irritated/resentful. The no sleep thing is no joke. It wears really thin really fast. So glad you could get it off your chest to a bunch of ladies who are right there with you! This morning I literally ignored baby so that I could spend a single morning taking care of me and only me. Hubby stepped in and took care of baby when he realized I was in the shower and had no intention of cutting it short, and he did a really great job. But then I mentioned that at some point I want to sweep and mop the house tonight and I might need his help with the baby he was all "I just ironed my shirt while baby played on the floor. You just have to be able to multi task." Congratulations that the one time you take over the morning routine, baby is fully content to entertain himself. I just about lost my shit.

mrscheetah · April 2016

I feel ya, dude. I am having the day from hell! My dd was SSTN for MONTHS and now she is teething and waking up multiple times a night and I am losing my damn mind. I'm so irritated with my husband and I'm so resentful that he doesn't make more money; we are basically living paycheck to paycheck and I'm so jealous of my friends who have beautiful houses and husbands who make tons of money. I'm applying for jobs because I need to finish my hours to become licensed in my profession, but all the jobs pay such shit money that we will be paying more for child care than I'll be making but if I don't finish the hours by next year I have to start over. On top of that I'm worried that DD has autism because I took antidepressants during my pregnancy and she doesn't respond to her name yet. It's just like one thing on top of another and I'm so frustrated.

Sorry for for the epic rant and lack of advice, just please know that you are not alone!

ChristaG22 · April 2016

Is there something with the cycle of the moon right now? I had the worst day and a nice cry this evening for the first time in along time. I feel sooooo SMOTHERED. My poor girl just can't get the sleep thing under control. There's always something- trying to drop the swaddle, teething, growth spurt, mental leap, and currently she has RSV! No sleep and super clingy. It doesn't help that I'm super hard myself. I need to have everything just so and I constantly worry that I don't give her enough attention. I just want to watch TV sometimes while she plays-should I be hard on myself for that?

I quite seriously don't understand how people are brave enough to do this all more than once. I'm almost in awe of people who do at this point.

etayislove · April 2016

Oh girl, say all the fucks you want.

I was just telling my husband how burnt out I was yesterday. The three year old is driving me up a wall and baby boy won't let me turn my back.

Some advice? And it's really gonna be lame and sound like another thing on your plate, but seriously. Find. A. Support. Group. La Leche League, a moms day out group, a babywearing group, a crunchy moms group, MOPS, something in your area that has meetings or get-togethers. Simply to have a tribe, this forum is good for rants just like this, but you need some friends! People who are in the same boat, doing or have done the same thing.

I sincerely hope things get better of you soon. Much love!

sugarmagn0lia · April 2016

If you just want to rant, that is 100% fine by me. And feel free to completely ignore any thoughts that are about to come atcha, but here are a few ideas:
1. Do you have a slow cooker? If getting meals going is a pain, they really can save a bunch of time. You can do breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever in them! It just takes a little timing. And if you have time at any point (while baby sleeps, while someone else has her if that ever happens, etc), you can even prep some for the freezer. Then toss them in the crockpot and you're good to go!
2. The no sleep deal... frustrating. We all get that girl, for real. My little guy co-slept, co-napped, co-everything'ed until finally one day things clicked. He was suddenly able to sleep alone. Sometimes there's hollering involved. I don't advocate cry it out at all, but honestly, a few minutes of crying won't hurt them. I won't do 40, but shit, I'll do 5. And sometimes, a tummy rub and a song go further than you'd expect, at least in our case.
3. Being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone. Don't feel bad if it's for you, don't feel bad if it's not.
4. Have you tried solids in the pouches at all? Baby has to learn the spoon of course, but maybe the pouch kind would help intro them and then she'd go for the spoon more? We do them when we're on the go, and little man loves it. Granted, he loves eating either way, but it might be worth a shot?

Like I said, these are just some thoughts! Take them or leave them, either way is fine and feel free to just vent if that's what you need!

mpache06 · April 2016

You are not alone! I'm a single FTM and being a mom is so hard. My daughter has been waking all hours of the night. Some nights she gets up every hour. I can't function. Everyone keeps telling me things will get better and to enjoy the time now. I know it's true but some days are just so hard. Hang in there mama! I'm sure you are doing great!

kbfash · April 2016

This...all of this. It's fucking hard, and it's ok to have a melt down. I had a huge breaking point last week, lots of crying, like all day crying! I finally told my husband I couldn't do it all by myself anymore or I would actually choose to. He has been much better and more understanding. I keep reminding myself she needs me and I chose this life and wouldn't take one second of the last 7 (+39 weeks) months back! Feel better mamas, I do knowing many of you are in the same boat!

Ps. Sleep deprivation is used in war as a torture mechanism!

cuphalffull · April 2016

I just wanted to add to the not alone! My husband is gone a ton for his nursing job and the military, so when he is home he needs "down time". He is also convinced baby girl hates him, which seems like a cop-out! And ditto with the sleep! Ug!
And I thought I was one of the only ones whose baby hates solids! I've tried fruits and veggies pureed, steamed, no luck, she hates then. I gave her a rice wafer and it was the first thing she voluntarily ate!

rachelkawesome · April 2016

I could have written this post myself. Hang in there!

LoveLee85 · April 2016

My LO didn't sleep for the first 5.5 months of his life. I broke down around 5 months and thought things like: Why God why me? Why did I have a baby?? I think this was a huge mistake I have no patience, my nerves are shot. You name it I sobbed and thought it. Then to matters worse, felt HORRIBLE GUILT for thinking and feeling that way. Ugh. As moms we can't win sometimes. I hope this passes soon for you. Humans are designed to need sleep. Not sleeping is so hard on us moms, yet there is next to nothing we can do.

laurapaine2003@yahoo.com · April 2016

Yes. Yes yes yes. To all of it. So help me God if I see my husband sitting down staring at the TV or his phone one more time when LO needs a diaper change I'll murder him. And sleep? LO has NEVER slept good, it's been 7 long months and every SINGLE day of these 7 months I've said "I can't do this another day" - I can't believe i haven't died from sleep deprivation. It's making me murderous. I am a rational, well-educated, normal person. But going this long without sleep has turned me into a monster. I seriously could've written your rant; you aren't alone, sister.

cait040415 · April 2016

I love this group. Like seriously, I don't get this much support from my own family as you guys give complete strangers. You all are wonderful.

And to @apiland, as a fellow fuck thrower myself, I loved them

and you deserve to throw it around. Like everyone has said, momming is hard. Like awful sometimes. And also like PP's have said, you need support. Whether your husband pulls his head out, or you join a support group, or go find some random moms at the park, you need face to face support. It sounds like it's time to have a real sit down with your husband at this point. It seems like we've all had to have a real heart to heart with our husbands since the babies have come. I, myself, have had to throw down an ultimatum. I didn't like it but it worked. You don't just have to think about yourself anymore, and thinking for two people all day, every day, is THE most draining thing on the planet. You at absolutely normal and are doing a great job!!!!!! So many hugs to you!

tlc11934 · April 2016

I felt this way with DD1 and voluntarily went back to work at 9 weeks PP. My job was demanding and required travel so DH was forced to step up. I don't enjoy working but it was a place to retreat to AND DH wasn't working so we had to pay the bills somehow.

7 years later and I resent being the breadwinner. DH works from home and makes his own hours. I carry the benefits plus work 40+ hour weeks, travel about 30% of the time and take the older kids to all their activities. I feel trapped. So I give 0 f's that DH does all of the middle of the night care because I bust my ass for my family all day long.

Kelliek327 · April 2016

I know I've definitely felt like I was at my breaking point a few times. Motherhood is tough!

I agree with PP about doing crockpot meals, it takes some planning but can save some time. I also recently googled some easy recipes that can be prepared ahead of time. I plan to make a bunch on the weekend and stick them in the freezer until it's time to eat.

Also, it sounds childish but I sat down with my husband and we made a list of all of the important things that had to get done each day or week and ranked them by priority. Then we divided them up evenly amongst the two of us. The workload is much more even now and I think my hubby realizes now just how much I was taking on by myself.

As far as sleep goes, do you have any family or friends who could watch LO for a night or two so you can get some much needed sleep? My LO was waking every hour for a while around the 4 month regression and I know sleep deprivation can be torturous! You mentioned you won't sleep train, and I totally support every parents right to choose what is best for them, but I will say it has made a world of difference for me and my son. I'm not looking to start a ST argument or anything but thought this article had a lot of interesting points about the effects of sleep training vs the effects of sleep deprivation.

https://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/the_kids/2013/07/clinical_lactation_jumps_on_the_dr_sears_bandwagon_to_say_sleep_training.html

Whatever happens, I hope you are able to get some rest soon! You are not a sucky mom and you are definitely not alone in feeling this way!

lmbrandt · April 2016

Amen to all of you. I have had many, many days, and many moments like this. Being a mom is THE hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I am a stay at home mom for the time being, and there are SO many days where I miss just being my old self again, going to work every day to teach, and doing floral design. I never in a million years thought raising a child would be this challenging emotionally and physically.

I am so glad we can be honest here, and don't have to pretend that each day is wonderful, because it really, really isn't. It's definitely a roller coaster ride.

mill1020 · April 2016

You're not alone. Every single mom has felt this way at times. People don't like to admit it, but it's true.

Step 1: Your DH needs to take a day off from work and care for the baby while YOU go stay somewhere else for a three-day weekend. Stay with a friend, family member, or even at a hotel, and get a few full nights' sleep under your belt. You're not yourself when you're long-term sleep-deprived.

Step 2: When you get back, look on sittercity.com or care.com for at least a very, very occasional part-time sitter so that you can enjoy your daughter and your spouse again.

Step 3: Forgive yourself for being totally normal!

Hang in there. Hope this doesn't come off as harsh or something--I've just been there and know how you feel.

J1D · April 2016

My baby is hands down the worst sleeper I've ever known.
I was sitting there one night after not sleeping for who knows how long and the baby pukes all over me. I'm sitting there crying, drenched in baby puke thinking I'd made a huge mistake and that having a baby was the worst decision ever. I walked over to my sleeping husband and just stood there sobbing until he woke up and took the baby.
Eventually I calmed down and we soldiered on.
When we could finally afford it we started hiring a morning babysitter a few times a week and my sister came over on the weekend when she could, so I could get a few hours of sleep.
Made all the difference in the world.
Sleep deprivation is awful. Soul crushingly awful.

Kick your hubby in the nuts and tell him less talk, more action.

Op, you don't suck. Sleep deprivation sucks. Not getting the support you need sucks. But you, you don't suck.

And fuck is my favorite word next to free doughnuts.

kmcshane0211 · April 2016

Ohhhh my god. I'm with you. This shit is fucked! There is SO much about parenting that I never imagined would be so hard. There are so many days I just plain feel trapped. And then my daughter will have a really great moment, hour, afternoon, night, whatever and it buys me more time from losing my mind.

Keep venting, definitely join a support group, have all the cocktails in the world (I have one by 3 PM multiple days a week, shhhhhhh) and pat yourself on the back all the time.

myfingerhurts · April 2016

I needed to read this today. With the no sleeping and stress of our child care situation, I'm at the end of my sanity. The fucks are flying freely from my mouth pretty much constantly. I've accepted that my child will be one of those toddlers who curses. And it will be adorable, but embarrassing.

My husband does a lot, but he can't handle the middle of the night stuff. If we want to stay married, I've had to accept that responsibility, bc he turns into a giant fucking baby if he gets less than 8 hours. We've negotiated that one day on the weekend he will wake up with the baby at what god-forsaken hour he wakes up (bc like so many others he is a terrible sleeper) and let me sleep.

We recently switched to formula as well, which has lightened my load a lot. It was something I struggled a lot with, but I'm very happy with our decision. I was VERY over breastfeeding. I kept waiting to be sad about it being over. It never happened. I only felt relief.

apiland · April 2016

Thank you all for the wonderful support! I know my poor child's first word will be fuck, but oh well. :-/

Last night, around 2am, she wakes and I go to get her. Her nose is running everywhere. So, my lack of sleep was because my baby was not feeling well and caught the little cold I had last week. Ugh, terrible mom guilt for not being more patient with her. But, now that I know what it is, I'm able to help her out. And I went to bed at 8:30, the hubby actually stepped up and put her back to sleep for me when she woke up the first time. I think after he saw the massive bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and crying all morning, he realized he better do something. Even just that little stretch made a huge difference. Now, with her mattress elevated and the humidifier running, she is napping in her crib and mommy has some time to do mommy things. Sweet relief.

I sure hope everyone's days are better today and thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone!

LoveLee85 · April 2016

I joke daily my child's first world will be FUUUUUUCK!!!!! Oops. Everyday I say I won't say it then life happens and it just flies out.

ElleMF728 · April 2016

Agree. This is normal, I feel like crap some days, want to scream at DH and just go to a hotel to get a break for a day or two. Last week both boys were really sick, they were so crabby. The weather was terrible, DS1 managed to get my mom sick while she was watching him so I could take DS2 to the pediatrician so I was literally by myself, trapped in the house with two pissed off LOs for 10 days. Of course DH worked late every single effing night, I was so impatient with the boys. Logically I know that they felt like crap but emotionally I was just barely holding it together. There were several times I had to leave one or both crying and just step downstairs for 3 minutes to clear my head. It's okay to feel the way you do, the more we can talk honestly about it the more we can support each other when things get tough. Hang in there Mama!

ellenlroberts · April 2016

I understand completely. My husband does NOT help me, ever. DD has the flu and so do I. She will NOT stop screaming. Not hungry, not sleepy, not wet, not needing a bath. Just screaming bloody murder. Her stomach is torn up from the medicine. I am at the end of my rope. He is a man child & I had to stop myself from punching him in the face today because he is so fucking annoying.
Ps did I mention I have DOUBLE ear infections?? And that my husband idiotically yells RANDOM stuff all day for not reason?!?!? And that I reminded him that it fucking hurt that he kept screaming but his tiny pea sized brain couldn't remember that?!?

(I do actually love my husband I'm just sleep deprived and pissed off)

alys3021 · April 2016

Leave baby with dad or family and just get away for a few hours away from the house, work, errands, baby, etc.. JUST DO IT, you wont be sorry and its much deserved. Being over stressed leads to other things if u know what i mean, take care of yourself so that u can take good care of baby.

Bellarose212 · April 2016

Best post ever. I love your brutal honesty. I just posted today and totally sugar coated everything because I was scared people would think I was a raging bitch. But dude... This should not be sugar coated. Being the primary caregiver to a completely helpless being is draining and so incredibly hard. Especially when we are the default parent and have very little help. And everyone keeps telling me it gets easier. They said it gets easier when the baby is 6 weeks old, 3 months old, 6 months old, etc. It's not getting easier. My baby won't sleep. He's overtired and whiny all day everyday. My marriage is crumbling into irreparable pieces. My friends without kids think I'm losing it. I'm barely hanging on by a thread. Everything you wrote rings true for me and I just wanted you to know you're not alone. But I'm sure you can see that from all of the responses!

chein1 · April 2016

Today I'm saying all the fucks, and I'm ready to read "Go the Fuck to Sleep" as my toddler's bedtime story and give zero fucks about it.

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