Unsure about diagnosis and Donor Eggs

mandasd · April 2016

Hi all,
As many of you know, I have been trying to conceive for 2.5 years. We live in San Diego and we have been through 2.5 years of testing, visits to RE, almost did IVF two times and then recently I finally was able to get into the Naval Medical Clinic San Diego infertility clinic with the hopes of saving $25k. They said that the wait list for IVF was 10 months but we could try IUIs in the meantime. I did bloodwork a few weeks back and called last Friday to check the results. Dr. Laufer called me back with the bad news, my FSM is 25 and AMH .3. So, basically it's not possible with my eggs and we would have to use donor eggs. He told me I could still go through the clinic there but I would have to get the eggs from a military dependent in order to qualify. He gave me the contact for an egg bank in LA that has a list of military dependent donors. I am waiting to hear back.

I am feeling unsure about the whole process. Looking for people that have experience with DE and can shed some light.

mandasd · April 2016

I got the list and there are 17 donors on it. None of them really look like either my hubby or I and the majority don't have much education. My husband has his JD and I have my MBA. I guess that looks is not really the most important, the most important is personality and accomplishments. The one thing that is turning me off is the question "Are you open to meeting any donor conceived children that transpire from your donation when they turn age 18 if they so desire?" Most answer YES. Does that mean they can come looking for the child? I want this to be private. I don't want to share photos or letters. I want it closed as possible. Is that even possible?

Monica54321 · April 2016

@mandasand - I don't have any experience in this arena to offer any useful advice. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@mandasand I am sorry you find yourself here. I am not that familiar with the donor egg process, but have poked around since that may be our next step if we are not successful with my current protocol. I understand the reason you are looking at this one specific bank, but there are a number of banks out there and some of them (all of the ones I have considered) have an education requirement. Since you are starting to look at this as your best option, then I suggest exploring the different banks in your region. There are sure to be several in So. Cal.

Costs and preference for open or closed "adoptions" are going to vary from facility to facility. It seems that most egg donations are done so anonymously. If your RE isn't giving you any info on how/who to work with, then perhaps you can start contacting them directly? I am not sure as I have not gotten that far, but I would hope your RE will offer some guidance based on her/his experiences.

Also, FWIW, I have an AMH of .27 and am trying again with the intervention of an RE who specializes in RPL. He didn't believe that was enough to count me out yet. There are several women with low AMH who participated in the September/October IVF sub-group on this page. You may want to look in there for some positive outcomes from IVF with low AMH levels.

More than anything, just know you're not alone. It is frustrating and hard, but I am hopeful we will all get to the other side!

mandasd · April 2016

@fivetimesnoluck I need to use a military/dependent donor so that the retrieval process is covered under TriCare Prime. So, my RE gave me a specific bank that deals with military/dependent donors. I could research if other banks have these donors too. This one works directly with the Naval Hospital.

Also - if I go to a civilian doctor I can pretty much do whatever I want - my civilian RE had no problem with my levels. But then I am paying $30k. The military program is very little cost, so now my husband is set on going with them even if it means donor egg or embryo. I don't think they will even accept me unless I use donor.

zantster · April 2016

@mandasandYou seem really unsure about using a DE. Have you checked out the Third-Party Reproduction board? I'm sure they would be able to help you be more informed. Some friends of me and DH went with a DE and appear very happy with their decisions. Their twin boys are great. Best of luck to you. I encourage you to make sure that you feel comfortable and not pressured.

2legbaby · April 2016

Hey @mandasand! Having to use a donor egg is tough and there is a lot to consider. The third party board on thebump is pretty quiet, you can try PVED.org (parents via egg donation). If you want a private egg donation then you want to pick a donor who wishes to remain closed. As for looks/education etc, it is hard, I wanted someone who looked like me, but when I think about my sister and I we look nothing alike, I have two degrees and she only finished high school yet we came from the same parents!!!! As far as selection, I feel like this is something that you really don't want to limit your options...consider the world egg bank- they deal with frozen eggs so first of all there isn't a risk of having a donor go through a cycle and not getting eggs (this happens! and you still have to pay the $30000-40000!) and it is less expensive. Or do a shared cycle with a fresh donor (you time to share with another intended parent).
My egg donation is open and I wanted this so that if we are lucky and get children from this that they can find out more/meet their genetic mom if wanted, but I totally get wanting the privacy.
There are lots of books out there on using donor eggs, how to select a donor etc.
Best of luck to you in your journey!

mandasd · April 2016

Ultimately I'm fine with using donor eggs it's just a hard pill to swallow. I'm hoping my redo blood work will pass me to try my own first...fingers crossed!

susykat77 · April 2016

I tried several rounds of IVF with my own eggs and I too have a low AMH 0.11. I have decided to move on and use DE from a clinic in Czech Republic. All we know about the donor is the phenotype which was a little hard for me not knowing personality, education or seeing a baby picture BUT this route made it affordable for us. I still have some sadness about not having genetic child of my own however they say that the birth mother somehow influences the expression of the genes as well as some genetic material is passed in utero. I'm sorry that you are going through this and that you don't even have the option to try with your own eggs. Did they definitively say that you can't try at least one round with your own eggs?

Kp214 · April 2016

My RE suggested donor eggs after the second ivf cycle was cancelled. I was devastated, as I am adopted and do not know much about my biological parents. After a week of processing this, DH and I spoke with the RE about what has changed. (After the first cycle failed, she said we could still be successful using my eggs, just needed one good one.)She said that she only recommended we use donor eggs because most couple a are ready to move on after two failed ivf cycles. You may want to speak with the RE again to see. He may be willing to let you try a few cycles using your eggs. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard and sucks that we all are going through this. It will be ok.

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