STM's - Bringing baby out in public/to events

lucypod · April 2016

DH and I are running into a bit of a schedule dilemma with his family regarding a 90th bday party for his grandmother. Her actual bday is 1 week after I'm due. Of course I know that anything can happen, but for arguments sake I'm going to err on the side that I will probably deliver after my due date. His family, for whatever reason, is really big on celebrating peoples' birthdays on or as close to their actual birthdays as possible. I'm all for that when it's convenient, but we've asked them to throw us a bone and try to schedule the party for later in the month (I'm due on the 2nd, her bday is the 9th or maybe 10th) so that we can attend, to which they have not really responded well. However, I've been thinking about it a little more and I'm wondering that even in the best of scenarios, will we even want to bring her out in public so early on, like at 2 weeks? Should we stop arguing so strongly for this and let them have the party when they want and assume that we will likely not attend no matter when it is, even with a healthy baby? Should we keep her exposure to other people limited and in small doses?

How old were your LO's when you brought them to a family gathering or out in public for the first time?

Warning: I will probably have some follow-up questions to a lot of your responses because this is a really controversial topic for us! I know that it's impossible to plan but they obviously will be planning this party far in advance so I want to be able to decide if we should argue our side strongly or not.

bearsandbeets7 · April 2016

With DD she was born on Oct 29th so the first time we took her anywhere was for thanksgiving and she was barely 3 weeks old. If it were up to me we would have waited until DD was at least 2 months. I'm extremely protective though. I wouldn't allow any visitors even come see DD for the first 2 weeks. That 2 weeks allowed us to figure out life with a baby together without having all these different people telling us how they did and didn't raise their kids. We will be doing that again this time because it also helped us bond as a family.

cm716 · April 2016

I would defintely err to the side of caution and skip the party since it's so close to your actual due date.

Lots of people will probably want to touch/hold her and her immune system will probably not be up to that.

Also, even a normal vaginal birth could be difficult to recover from! You probably won't feel up to going either.

If it were me, I would stay home if the baby is less than four weeks old. If his family is upset, they can get over it. You have to do what's best for YOU and your baby.

Both my DD's were 6-7 weeks old when we brought them to see my husbands large family. During those visits we let anyone hold them but the kids still had to wash their hands.

JLyn821 · April 2016

Meh. I didn't have my son until 41+6. If that's you, you'd still be KU for the party. DS ended up being born on Good Friday and we brought him home from the hospital on Easter. Because of this, we missed Easter celebrations. Two weeks after DS was born, my ILs hosted a "Meet the Baby" party. There were at least 30 people there and most of them held him at one point or another. He was fine.

It's up to you. I'd suggest you let them keep the party for whenever it is and if you make it, great. If not, it'll be ok.

mouse1029 · April 2016

Let them plan it whenever. If anything your husband can go for a bit and then come home. Or you can put baby in a wrap so he's not passed around. Also, you may still be pregnant or in the hospital. I wouldn't even respond as it would be a play by ear thing to me.

charmedlifex3 · April 2016

I work with elderly people a lot, and I can see why they would want to celebrate pretty soon after the big event for her. Unfortunately major health issues can crop up pretty quickly at that age, and waiting three weeks to celebrate might mean not celebrating.

I'd plan on seeing if someone could Skype you in so great grandma could see the baby (if the little one is already here) and having your husband go for a short time, if everyone in your home is up for it. At least if you have plans to Skype in, if you are still in the hospital (a real possibility!) or worried about going into labor and don't want to go too far from home, you'll already have plans in place.

amccul20 · April 2016

I would probably skip the party. even if it's 'safe' for baby to be in public you'll be exhausted!

if you HAVE to go I'd wear baby to avoid lots of people touching. will it be somewhere you'll easily be able to nurse and change diapers?

I'd tell your IL's that you have to play it by ear and don't be surprised or offended if you do come and don't want anyone touching baby or baby getting passed around.

amccul20 · April 2016

and to answer your first question we went to IL's about 2 weeks after baby boy was born and I didn't let anyone hold him. not because I was worried about germs but because I was soo soo in love and didn't want to share for even a second!

lucypod · April 2016

Thanks for all of these responses! It justifies my gut feeling which is that I don't think it's a good idea to bring her out in public or around too many people at once within really even the first month. It seems to make sense to let them keep the party for close to the due date knowing that we probably won't make it. I'll feel pretty guilty if we make them push it out to later in the month and then decide not to show up anyway!

SkiChic626 · April 2016

I think it would depend on venue and who will be there. We brought DD to my FIL's 60th bday when she was 4 weeks old (I think???), but I wasn't crazy about the idea. However, the party was at his parents house, so no random germy strangers, I held onto her the entire time and made it known that I wasn't comfortable with her being around so many people so early so no one even asked to hold her, and I did a lot of hiding in DH's old bedroom so that I could nurse her in peace. At 1 week pp, or even less as your case may be, I wouldn't go. You'll still be healing yourself and you'll be working on establishing BF....who wants to worry about whipping out sore nipples in front of a room full of people?? No thanks. All this said, if the party was held at a public venue, I think maybe I would have had DH go but I would have stayed home with DD at that point.

lucypod · April 2016

SkiChic626 said:

I think it would depend on venue and who will be there. We brought DD to my FIL's 60th bday when she was 4 weeks old (I think???), but I wasn't crazy about the idea. However, the party was at his parents house, so no random germy strangers, I held onto her the entire time and made it known that I wasn't comfortable with her being around so many people so early so no one even asked to hold her, and I did a lot of hiding in DH's old bedroom so that I could nurse her in peace. At 1 week pp, or even less as your case may be, I wouldn't go. You'll still be healing yourself and you'll be working on establishing BF....who wants to worry about whipping out sore nipples in front of a room full of people?? No thanks. All this said, if the party was held at a public venue, I think maybe I would have had DH go but I would have stayed home with DD at that point.

My nephew was born 4 weeks before our wedding and he was in attendance. I think that DH's family thinks that because of that then we should have no problem bringing our newborn to a public event, but 4 weeks in my mind is SO much different than a few days or a week.. and I'm sure that's a popular opinion! I probably would do what you did if the party was going to be at someone's house, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be rather big and at a public venue (restaurant or catering place).

pelorunningmama · April 2016

This is tough! I can understand wanting to be there to celebrate, but birthday parties/family reunions/close family functions are all places people would still go to if they were a little bit sick. My doctor was totally cool with me getting out of the house as much as I wanted as long as I did not go to church with DD or family events. His reasoning was exactly that, sick people go to these things no matter what. That would be my biggest hold up. I agree with PP... maybe your husband can go. Or maybe baby will still be cooking! I would let them plan it when they wanted though.

Stephanie7693 · April 2016

I went out as much as I felt up to doing so, and was not afraid to just say no. But I also didn't let people hold my babies when they were so young. Only close family after handwashing. With my first being a premie, I didn't get too much grief for it. Only once, the day me and my son were released from the hospital was my aunts birthday. I was asked if I wanted to go out to lunch on our way home, and I did. We went to a restaurant with my mom, aunt and grandma, but I refused to take my son out of his car seat. My aunt was pissed I wouldn't let her hold him. She didn't seem to understand that he was two days old and I thought that was too young to be exposed to anything in public. But she got over it and stopped bugging me. Just do what you feel comfortable with, and if you want to get out for a little bit, go for it. But don't be afraid to tell people no they can't hold or touch your baby.

Curls919 · April 2016

DH's grandfather passed away when DS was 3 weeks old. We brought him to the funeral but had my mom watch him in the family room off to the side. We were the only ones to hold him. Family members could look at him but not touch.

Sekerambo · April 2016

It's personal preference, everyone is different. I was out and about running errands, with baby, the day after I got home from the hospital (c-section). It helped me feel human again. We then held a "birthday" party so all our friends could meet our dd, when she was just over a week old. This baby will be out right away as well (unless he/she comes a week and a half late). My brother is getting married and my dh, dd, and I are all in the wedding and I will be there unless I am in the hospital.

No more Miss! · April 2016

My preemie DD flew at 3 weeks old. Sucky, but my mom died and we had to be with my dad.
I did my best not to freak out about germs. Totally sucky, but necessary.

I'd skip the party.

Curls919 · April 2016

Oh, we also brought him out to stores and the local diner around 2 weeks.

rubredvelvet · April 2016

I would let them have the party when they want, for all you know you could go early- it's not worth having events planned around a pregnancy knowing timing can always change.

That at being said I would just wing it when it comes to whether or not you'll go. If your still pregnant you might not want to go anyways, or you might be the type who wants to be up moving around to avoid being in any discomfort.

If you do happen to have baby I myself would bring him or her. Unless for some reason baby had difficulties or any issues during birth where it might not be good. Now, I'm going on baby number 3, but even with my first I was never the 'please sanitize your hands' type. Each person is comfortable with various amounts of interaction with baby. I am in the 'here you can take them' camp, but I can't imagine it being frowned upon if you happen to go and just keep baby in a carrier or sling. Also, a 90th birthday is sorta big, I can only imagine how happy seeing a squishy new baby would make someone who is turning 90.

Wolfie646 · April 2016

A co-worker explained it like this to me... Your newborn does not have the ability to fight off germs/viruses like older babies. Until they have the first round of shots around 2 months, doctors advise to be extra cautious. If your baby catches a fever that first month, they will usually do a spinal tap to ensure its not meningitis or something else. Why risk it?

nanner26 · April 2016

I'm a FTM but if this were me, I would tell them I am going to have to play it by ear. Who knows when the baby will come and if I am not feeling up to it or I feel it's not the best idea for us at that time, we won't be going. I don't think I would give a firm answer either way. You have no way of knowing what will be going on and where you'll be at in your pregnancy or with the baby.

lucypod · April 2016

Thanks everyone. We're dealing with a stubborn family here. On one hand, they expect us to be there even with an infant that is only a few days/weeks old, because that's what their daughter did with her child (our nephew). But on the other hand, they refuse to make the party later in the month to potentially accommodate us. I think I will just have to put my foot down and say, "my baby, my rules" and if they think I'm being overly cautious, then tough! To complicate things even further, nephew's 2nd bday (same side) is 6 days after my due date, and my SIL is trying to plan that party around me being able to attend. I've tried to explain to her that I will most likely not be attending that either, no matter what, so don't plan it around me. They just don't get it. I guess because her first was a boy and they had a bris a week after he was born they just expect me to be cool with bringing our baby girl out around a bunch of family members. Nope. You can come to my house, maybe 2 or 3 at a time, and only if you are healthy as a horse. Not worth the risks. It's DH's family anyway, so more important that he attends these events, and I'm sure he will if possible as everything will be local.

SkiChic626 · April 2016

lucypod said:

SkiChic626 said:

I think it would depend on venue and who will be there. We brought DD to my FIL's 60th bday when she was 4 weeks old (I think???), but I wasn't crazy about the idea. However, the party was at his parents house, so no random germy strangers, I held onto her the entire time and made it known that I wasn't comfortable with her being around so many people so early so no one even asked to hold her, and I did a lot of hiding in DH's old bedroom so that I could nurse her in peace. At 1 week pp, or even less as your case may be, I wouldn't go. You'll still be healing yourself and you'll be working on establishing BF....who wants to worry about whipping out sore nipples in front of a room full of people?? No thanks. All this said, if the party was held at a public venue, I think maybe I would have had DH go but I would have stayed home with DD at that point.

My nephew was born 4 weeks before our wedding and he was in attendance. I think that DH's family thinks that because of that then we should have no problem bringing our newborn to a public event, but 4 weeks in my mind is SO much different than a few days or a week.. and I'm sure that's a popular opinion! I probably would do what you did if the party was going to be at someone's house, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be rather big and at a public venue (restaurant or catering place).

My nephew was 7 weeks at our wedding, and I thought he was way too little to be there - I obviously couldn't say anything since it was DH's family, but knowing what I know now I personally wouldn't bring my 7 week old to a wedding. Especially with all the loud music and everything. My SIL and BIL ended up spending the evening sitting out in the lobby because they were worried the music was going to hurt his ears....what a bummer for them. If it was my sibling, I probably would have brought a babysitter and had her stay in the hotel room with the baby so that I could go up and nurse and check in when I felt I needed to.

SkiChic626 · April 2016

lucypod said:

Thanks everyone. We're dealing with a stubborn family here. On one hand, they expect us to be there even with an infant that is only a few days/weeks old, because that's what their daughter did with her child (our nephew). But on the other hand, they refuse to make the party later in the month to potentially accommodate us. I think I will just have to put my foot down and say, "my baby, my rules" and if they think I'm being overly cautious, then tough! To complicate things even further, nephew's 2nd bday (same side) is 6 days after my due date, and my SIL is trying to plan that party around me being able to attend. I've tried to explain to her that I will most likely not be attending that either, no matter what, so don't plan it around me. They just don't get it. I guess because her first was a boy and they had a bris a week after he was born they just expect me to be cool with bringing our baby girl out around a bunch of family members. Nope. You can come to my house, maybe 2 or 3 at a time, and only if you are healthy as a horse. Not worth the risks. It's DH's family anyway, so more important that he attends these events, and I'm sure he will if possible as everything will be local.

We did a lot of "well she's not Charlie (my nephew's faux name)" with DH's parents when DD was first born. They didn't understand why we didn't do XYZ because "well Jamie did it with Charlie." We're not Jamie and her husband and our baby isn't Charlie....it finally started to sink in after a couple month and those comments stopped.

And just a side note about getting out of the house...I will say, once 2 weeks pp hit, I needed to get out of the house. I went nursing bra shopping lol. DH stayed home with DD and his parents happened to be over. Not that I didn't trust DH, but I just knew he felt more comfortable alone for the first time with her with some support. Now I go on business trips for a week at a time and they're alone together LOL.

lucypod · April 2016

@SkiChic626 you're speaking my language. Sounds like you've been through the exact same thing. This baby isn't born yet and it's already proving difficult to be the 2nd! On my side we're having the 1st grandbaby so we'll be able to "set the tone" a little more.

ThisisNumber3 · April 2016

It sounds like you know what you want to do. However, I would ask yourself when is an appropriate time to take baby out in public. Is going to a family members home cleaner/safer than going to say the grocery store/mall? What about setting rules about going to the party but put the baby in a carrier so she's tucked away and no one else can touch/hold the baby. Just go and make an appearance to keep nice with the family.

lucypod · April 2016

@ThisisNumber3 I really do have no idea when it is an appropriate time to go out in public. I would think going to a family member's home is certainly cleaner and safer. I don't really consider being at either my parents or my in-law's much different from being at my own house. Malls and grocery stores are super different in my opinion.

SkiChic626 · April 2016

lucypod said:

@SkiChic626 you're speaking my language. Sounds like you've been through the exact same thing. This baby isn't born yet and it's already proving difficult to be the 2nd! On my side we're having the 1st grandbaby so we'll be able to "set the tone" a little more.

Yup, DH's side she was a the 2nd and my side she was the 1st

SkiChic626 · April 2016

lucypod said:

@ThisisNumber3 I really do have no idea when it is an appropriate time to go out in public. I would think going to a family member's home is certainly cleaner and safer. I don't really consider being at either my parents or my in-law's much different from being at my own house. Malls and grocery stores are super different in my opinion.

I agree with this in theory, but I actually didn't worry too much about going to the mall or grocery store, etc. because in those places I could cover baby and no one was going to touch her. Even though the 60th bday party was at my IL's house there were 20 people there who wanted to touch and kiss and fuss over her. Pick you poison, I guess.

Hummingbird125 · April 2016

DH's sister is getting married 2 months after my due date, and has asked me to be a bridesmaid as well. Although I know a long (6 hour) drive with a young infant, and a hotel stay, AND going to a wedding will be a lot, as lot as our pediatrician says it's okay, we plan to be there with baby. DH's family doesn't get together very often at all, so there is no knowing when his family (including parents and siblings) would get to meet our baby if it wasn't for this wedding, so I'm trying to look at it as a positive!

OP - Let them plan it for whenever they want, and just make no promises about being there. Then, play it by ear, because who knows what will happen. I would make your DH be the one to share any decisions with them as well.

Curls919 · April 2016

lucypod said:

Thanks everyone. We're dealing with a stubborn family here. On one hand, they expect us to be there even with an infant that is only a few days/weeks old, because that's what their daughter did with her child (our nephew). But on the other hand, they refuse to make the party later in the month to potentially accommodate us. I think I will just have to put my foot down and say, "my baby, my rules" and if they think I'm being overly cautious, then tough! To complicate things even further, nephew's 2nd bday (same side) is 6 days after my due date, and my SIL is trying to plan that party around me being able to attend. I've tried to explain to her that I will most likely not be attending that either, no matter what, so don't plan it around me. They just don't get it. I guess because her first was a boy and they had a bris a week after he was born they just expect me to be cool with bringing our baby girl out around a bunch of family members. Nope. You can come to my house, maybe 2 or 3 at a time, and only if you are healthy as a horse. Not worth the risks. It's DH's family anyway, so more important that he attends these events, and I'm sure he will if possible as everything will be local.

I forgot about DS's bris! Either DH, mil or I were holding him (except for the actual ceremony when designated family had him). No one else could touch his face or hands. Once the ceremony was over he went to another room to sleep it off and that was that.

Bookhousegirl · April 2016

We took DS to my in laws at 2 weeks old and I probably won't be doing that this time. It was more about me being overwhelmed and exhausted than anything else. It was nice to get out of the house though, and we did take DS out in public pretty early on, but I just wore him everywhere (which I would definitely recommend if you're bringing him around a lot of people).

I think everyone is different on this one, and it really is a wait and see kind of situation. I wouldn't make any commitments I couldn't break for the first couple of months.

Snaps816 · April 2016

I would send your husband, along with your best wishes and some pictures of the baby to share with his family. No one should expect you to be there so soon after giving birth, and you can use the excuse that baby needs to be with you for feeding (rather than saying "we don't want our baby around all your nasty germs!").

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