Cry it out

MrsN092714 · April 2016

Last night I left my son with my husband while I went to a baby shower. When I got home I found out that although he went down fine the first time, he woke up inconsolable. My husband said he spent 45 mins trying to calm him down, walking around, trying to get him to take his paci and nothing was working. (I was about 40mins away so calling for help wouldn't have worked) I know that he doesn't have the same tolerance for crying as I do, but then again, my son very rarely cries for me. After the 45 mins he told me he put him down in his crib where he cried for another 10 mins before finally falling asleep. The thought of my baby crying by himself makes me sick and completely heartbroken. I had mentioned to my husband before that the CIO method wouldn't be used and he seemed on board, so I didn't really dive into why I feel so strongly about it. I understand nothing he was doing was working but I would have been a lot more comfortable knowing he at least laid with him while he cried rather than leaving him alone. How do I tackle this conversation without making him feel bad and getting my point across? Our son is EBF (but used to taking a bottle) and my husband works so he doesn't take night shifts so our son isn't used to getting up with him. I'm supposed to start going to an exercise class once a week that falls right at bedtime, which I was so excited for and now I'm dreading. He really is a great father and he can make our son smile and laugh like nobody else. Please help....

midge519 · April 2016

I know that CIO isn't something you ever wanted to do. But if he exhausted all other options leaving him to cry isn't a bad thing. He could have needed that ten minutes to collect himself from stress. My LO is a difficult baby. I love him dearly and spend all my time with him. Sometimes I have to put him down and walk away while he's flipping out. If I'm stressed from his crying laying with him doesn't do any good because he feels my stress and the laying together ends up being more stressful.

I completely understand why you prefer he had laid with him but that may not have been the best thing for him. Instead of trying to get your point across discuss what happened and what he was feeling. Maybe come up with things to try together so he has other options.

ilikestars089 · April 2016

You should still go to your class and let your husband be a dad. Babies fuss sometimes and honestly it is a good skill for them to self soothe (ten mins is really no biggie) and it's important for your husband and for your baby to be able to navigate bedtime without you.

If your son consistently can't sleep w/o crying and this type of bedtime routine becomes a norm, then maybe address it and lovingly give your husband some pointers. He loves your baby and doesn't want to see him unhappy either!

Christinekuester · April 2016

Perhaps your husband was starting to lose his patients. Purple cry encourages people to put baby in a safe place such as the crib and walk away. Who cares if he sat him down and walked away? If he lost his patients with him the outcome could have been a lot worse than falling asleep on his own.

KristynLee15 · April 2016

We just went through this. We basically did a modified cry it out. Where we let her cry for a little while and check on her and reassure her.
It's definitely not for everybody and if it's something that you are completely against I would not suggest doing it. But I'm glad to say in the course of a week my baby girl goes down for bed at 7 o'clock and sleeps until 6 o'clock in the morning with one minor wake up at 4:30.
It took about 3 days and this has become our new routine. If there are other ways to help with sleep I would suggest those. We have tried everything and nothing else worked she would cry even if I was holding her so I figured it was worth a shot and it seemed to work for us. But like I said it's not for everybody. Good luck mama

Louisl · April 2016

The fact that your baby only cried for ten minutes and then went to sleep is the real take away here. To me, that means that your baby is a self soother and did a better job at it than daddy (through no fault of his own). Learning to self soothe is a really useful skill for when you're in the car and can't get to him, and just in general for life lol.

jasmineluke · April 2016

Your baby was able to self soothe !! Congratulations ! That's a huge valuable skill to have ... I promise moms wish they had in their babies. He cried only 10 mins and fell asleep - that's means your baby is smart enough to know what he needs and was able to achieve that.
crying is a function of a baby just like anything else... Don't feel so bad if he cries here and there, babies cry to communicate and it seems like from your story he's smart enough to know what he needs ... In this case rest and sleep!
Ur husband I'm sure tried his best, don't be upset. Maybe encourage more bedtimes for him so baby and daddy get used to it! It'll be healthy for you too!

KristynLee15 · April 2016

Ill tell you. CIO saved my sanity. Fortunately for me LO never cried longer than 28 mins. On and off and that was the first day. Tonight she fell asleep in ..no lie...4 seconds.
It is definately a personal preference though. But it sounds like your lo is already on the way to self soothing!!
Jump for joy mama and enjoy the sleep!!

SweetnSassy23 · April 2016

Perhaps explain to your husband that you're uncomfortable with CIO, especially now that LO may be crying from teething pain.

Singing always, always calms down our LO when boob/bottle/paci/bouncing, swinging, etc. doesn't work. If it doesn't work for you, then don't do it. Your husband does need to figure out his best way of dealing with LO though. Unfortunately it still leaves you with a problem, because you need to agree so LO has consistency. It's a tough situation.

Perhaps have both of you should research sleep methods and pick one that works for both of you. Good luck!

amwright33 · April 2016

My pediatrician said that 10 min of crying does not harm the baby. In fact it is a self smoothing method some babies do to sleep. If they cry longer than 10 min reassure them. Some babies cry, some suck on a paci, hold something, ect. I don't consider it really a cry in out thing when she is sleepy to start with. I didn't like the crying either at first but stirring her before the 10 min is up can wake her back up and make her crankier and cry harder cause I'm not letting her sleep. Let your husband handle his son his way and you your way. I think you should be open to new ideas though, you may be surprise.

J1D · April 2016

I'm anti CIO, but one of my friends said something helpful about there being a difference between crying and complaining loudly.
I can tell when my kiddo is crying and needs me and when he's just being loud. My guy isn't a fan of bedtime and needs to chat and fuss a lot so I guess we do fuss it out at our house. My kiddo also does a thing were sometimes the more we try to help the more it just riles him up and it really is better to just let him be in the crib by himself to work it out.
That being said, I flipped my shit on my hubby when he let the baby cry for over half an hour one day back before he was reliably sleeping in his crib. I was pissssssd. But, in retrospect it's probably what needed to happen. I still don't like it, but I think it needed to happen. Baby needed to sleep and hubby was out of ideas and patience so the safest thing to do was to put baby in the crib and walk away. We've since then talked about some different strategies like going back in to soothe and comfort ect.

As far as how to bring it up, just start talking. Just ask how it went, how long did baby cry. Then say it makes you sad and uncomfortable for baby to cry alone. Ask if he would be willing/able next time to lay down with baby while he cries. (But please remember to always let hubby and the babysitter know, it is ok and preferable to leave baby in the safety of the crib, so you can step out for a minute and be calm if they need it.)

Also if you normally breastfeed to sleep I'd suggest starting to do bottles every other night/a couple of times a week and letting dad have a turn to put baby to bed while you are there to help. We very deliberately take turns putting baby to sleep so we both know the routine and so baby is used to both parents doing bedtime.

KristynLee15 · April 2016

My LO is definately a cry before she falls asleep girl. Even if im holding her at nap time, she cries and fusses for a good 5 mins before she falls asleep.
I wish people would not worry about what "right" and just do what they feel their family needs.
People are so judgemental but someone elses methods dont affect me and if it benefits you go for it!!
Im not a cosleeper, but i know people it works amazingly for!!
OP (and everyone else) i hope you all find some sort of sleep routine that works for youre beautiful babies. As much as were all going through the same thing, its so very different.

amwright33 · April 2016

@J1D fuss it out is a great term. And is more accurate than CIO for us too. It's amazing being able to tell apart the cries with our babies.

AiramJ · April 2016

I always said I would never let my baby cry it out. I always rushed to him as soon as the crying started. But recently I got to a point, where I need to step away from him when he does it. He is 5 months now and started to get cranky or cry a lot for no obvious reason. When I get too frustrated I leave him somewhere safe to calm himself down. I wouldn't leave him for more than 10 minutes, after which he either fell asleep and if not, I pick him up again. I also started putting him down for a nap at 11am until 1pm. He cries to start with but then falls asleep. same at bed time. I only started this routine in the last week but it already made life so much easier.

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