People of faith: Has loss impacted your faith?

MWoodside · March 2016

-- TW: siggy --

I wasn't sure sure exactly how to word the title, but I'm wondering if those of you that are religious feel like your faith was impacted by your loss or losses?

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and would love to hear your perspectives.

MWoodside · March 2016

To answer my own question, for me it has. Initially after each loss I was low and feeling abandoned by God. "How could God do this to me?" Or "how could God let this happen?" Sort of thoughts. I stopped praying entirely for a while both times.

Now I feel like over time my faith is stronger though. My losses have made me more empathetic and compassionate to others who suffer loss.

I also feel like I've turned the future of our family over to God recently. Like I can only do what is within my power, but ultimately it's not within my complete control if I ever have another baby. It's felt freeing in a big way.

CoonMom · March 2016

Thank you for starting this discussion. I've always wanted to but was afraid to bring it up. I used to consider myself very religious; however since my loss in December I feel abandoned and alone. Well to be honest, my faith started going downhill when it took elven months to get pregnant but the loss really hit the nail on the head. I am a Sunday school teacher and thinking of quitting next year. I feel my heart just isn't in it anymore.

I can't understand why God lets us suffer so much. Why do people who have everything (or to me seem like they have the perfect life, aka my coworker) get everything, including children, handed to them on a silver platter? They don't go to church; they think about going every Sunday but are too lazy to actually go. Meanwhile I religiously go every week and Pray constantly (for a child) don't get anything handed to me. I struggle to get pregnant for eleven months and then suffer a loss. It's just not fair. Everyone tells me to trust in HIS timing and I try to believe and trust but it's getting very difficult.

Sorry for my rambling.

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

First of all, @dogmomwantinghuman I am sorry you are questioning your faith with this pain. I remember feeling that way when I lost my dad. It helps me to think of all of the loss that others go through throughout their lives. Loss of relationships, Death, illness, etc. I feel that we all have our lows in life, and God gives us each what we need (Even if we don't think that we need it) And this kind of leads into my response for @MWoodside When I had my loss, a large hospital bill showed us that we weren't prepared like we thought we were. Looking at it that way helped me to feel like I wasn't being singled out or picked on by God, but that I needed to have that experience for something greater. I have struggled for the past two years with extreme jealousy of others with babies, and my own depression. I have begged many times, and broken down just praying to become pregnant again. But I feel like this time of infertility has been a tool to teach me how to cope with jealousy, and how to recover from depression on my own. I don't know what other lessons I am meant to learn before I can have my rainbow baby, but I hope not too many more.

KyCade3013 · March 2016

Hey, first sorry for your losses it's one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with emotionally myself. All I can say is what my mom has said to me that stuck. My mom has 3 kids, never had a miscarriage- But.. She said that it took her like 2 years to conceive me and she said her faith made her realize if I was any other soul I wouldn't have been the perfect compliment to my sisters personalities and bring the two of them together. I believe this is true with miscarriages because the baby you will eventually have was always meant to be and it was always meant to happen in that exact time and sequence in your life. I feel you though! I just hope it doesn't take for forever, because the waiting is so hard! Stay strong!

catiecatp · March 2016

I was raised going to church every week and I feel disconnected from my city because I haven't found a church - everything feels too big and impersonal. My childhood church was a modified one room schoolhouse and we went Saturday nights because we shared a priest with other churches in the area - anything with speakers is huge and I don't know that I'll ever find one that feels right.

I still consider myself religious - and my faith is unchanged, though like a PP, I do feel my compassion has increased.

BornReady · March 2016

@KyCade3013 Your comment was exactly what I was meant to read this morning, thanks! It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, from Steve Jobs:
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference.”

I have a lot of grief and sadness over how long it has taken and what i've gone through to have a family/children, but I always try and remind myself that that my time spent waiting has been so I can meet who I am supposed to meet, whether through birth, adoption, foster etc. Helping me think of a "bigger picture' gives me some peace.

SnobunnieMel · March 2016

Thank you so much for starting this post. It's something I had really been struggling with as well, especially with this past holiday weekend. I grew up in a very religious family, identify with it, but as an adult my views are somewhat broadened in that I don't always feel like I have to be in church to further my relationship with God. I talk with him just as well on a long Sunday morning run through beautiful woods as I do in a church pew. I feel like over the last few years finding God in my own ways has helped strengthen my relationships.

Until this. I have really struggled the last few weeks with anger toward God. I find myself questioning "why" and why is he putting us through such pain when I have to watch people around me who shouldn't be left to take care of their own lives, let alone a baby, having more children and ruining their lives. Easter was a very difficult time as I had to see my very southern baptist family who think that you can "pray gay away" that seem to think praying harder will fix everything. It took all I had not to yell at them that I prayed everyday while I was pregnant and God still took my baby back and that their God was hurtful and sometimes it doesn't fix everything.

I think it's normal to question faith in times like these. Blind, unending faith never helps you grow. I am just hoping I get back to a better place soon

MWoodside · March 2016

--TW: children mentioned--

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to respond.

@Kycade3013, I can agree with your mother's comment from my personal experience. Between my girls I had a 14 wk loss. I was in the deepest depression of my life after that for a long while. Just when I was starting to feel the sadness lift the EDD came and I was crushed with another wave of grief. Little did I know I would conceive DD2 that very week of my EDD from the baby we lost. Now of course I can't imagine not having her in our lives. But we wouldn't have her if I hadn't lost a baby prior because of how the timing worked out.

@dogmomwantinghuman, I am sorry to hear infertility and loss have shaken your faith, I can related to all of your points as we struggled with infertility for over 2 years before conceiving our first child. For me, it felt like a double whammy b/c infertility on it's own is such a painful experience. Then to suffer a loss or losses on top of that just feels so unbelievably unfair.

@Dinsaurjumper, thank you for sharing the perspective about how the large medical bill made you realize you weren't as prepared as you thought. That same thing happened to us after my most recently loss last July. It felt so important to get those bills paid before TTC again. On a related note, it sucks so badly to have bills like that after a loss.

@catiecatp, it took us so long to find a church that felt like the right fit. I hope you find yours soon.

@snobunnieMel, the first part of your second paragraph really resonates with me. I went through a long period of anger at the fact that seemingly unfit parents (narcotics addicts, people who treat their children poorly and/or harm them, etc) were able to conceive and carry to term. I agree it's normal to question faith at times like this.

beff12 · March 2016

I'm glad this discussion was started, too. Initially after my loss, I think I just went numb and my faith wasn't affected one way or the other. I started a bible study not long after with a couple of close friends and I think that's what kept me from being mad at God. It was just really good timing. I recently owned up and admitted to my husband and those friends that I'm fairly certain I'm dealing with depression and I'll be contacting our local Christian counseling agency soon. I think my relationship with God has been in a slump since our loss.

I will say that we were open with our m/c on fb. My husband is an associate pastor at our church. A couple recently experienced a m/c and I was able to talk to them and hopefully help them a little. We prayed that God would use our loss for something positive in the long run and I'm hoping I can keep having those conversations and use our experience to help other women.

ThePax89 · March 2016

I wasn't religious or spiritual until my pregnancy with my daughter.

I've since had two losses and am cold and hard. I'm furious that God took two babies from me.

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

@ThePax89 I'm sorry for your losses, it doesn't seem fair at all.

@beff12 That is good to recognize and be open with your depression. I realized that I have been dealing with that since I got off the bench. It really helped to admit it, because it's not something to be ashamed of, but something that needs to be worked through. To be honest though, I do get a little wary of talking about my depression with certain people. But that is only because I know a few folks that seem to like making depression a contest, if that makes any sense. Anywhooooo, good luck with your counselor!

@SnobunnieMel I love your description of your faith

I feel like some people need church but not everybody does. God doesn't take attendance! ....does he?

fsuswim · March 2016

I am so relieved to be reading this and I want you all to know I am praying for you. After my loss in august I couldn't make it through a church service without breaking down completely for a good month or two. It was a struggle for me in my faith. Now I'm starting to be open to the idea that God had a better plan even if I don't know what it is yet.

beff12 · March 2016

@DinosaurJumper that totally makes sense! I doubt I'll discuss it with anyone else. Both of those ladies have dealt with depression (one over a loss and one over and incredibly difficult and painful pregnancy) and I know I can trust my husband too. I'll be interested to see what happens after my due date comes and goes. Like you said, I think it got worse when we started trying again.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

Hi, I am Catholic.

Here's my take on this. I do not believe God sits up in heaven with a big calander on his desk and goes "okay, so-and-so is going to miscarry today and this person is going to get cancer, etc"

I believe tragedies like that are the result of science and statistics.

If I believe God had a hand in my losses I would hate him. No doubt. So, I would like to think he's getting me through the shit storm, not the one causing it.

Kbalas1018 · March 2016

This has been what I have lived by lately. It's from 1 Peter. At first I was upset with God because I know He can heal and I didn't understand why He didn't heal my daughter. But in my grief and desperation my heart has been more open to wanting to know truth and what Gods will is. I've learned that everything God does is for eternal purposes. It isn't all about our life here but rather our life in heaven and bringing God glory. That doesn't mean we always understand right away why he chooses not to do certain things but we know He is God and He loves us, therefore we know His plan is perfect and we have to trust Him. I don't believe God causes pain but I believe he takes the bad things that happen and can use it all for good in our life if we allow Him in. My faith and relationship with Him is so much stronger. I have more hope than I ever have too. I know that one day I will be in heaven with my baby girl and even that is another reason I want to hold on to God and give Him glory. I have a blog where I have written a lot about these things... It's www.withveda.blogspot.com

MWoodside · March 2016

Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to respond and share about this topic. I'm praying for all of us on this board to have a healthy and successful pregnancy soon.

AshleySparkle720 · March 2016

Personally for me I felt from the beginning that something was off with my m/c pregnancy. I prayed so hard for a miracle and so were all of our family and friends. Ultimately I knew deep down that it wasn't going to be healthy and began to pray that God would help me to handle this the best way I could. There were times when I'd think "how could this be happening to us?", but then finally I stood in the mirror and reminded myself that only good things come from God. He always has the best plan for my life. I wrote Romans 5 on my mirror as a reminder that perseverance creates hope for the future. Then any time I felt stressed I'd listen to a song and repeat "your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me."

There is power in the name of Jesus! He helped us survive this and we will overcome! ❤strength to all of you ladies

NamelessAria · March 2016

I feel like my faith is a lot of what has gotten me through everything. The 16 months DH and I have been TTC and the two losses we've had.

I guess how I see things is a bit different because I've been through some other things in life that made me realize that God never promised any of this would be easy. He never promised us "good" lives full of all the things we want. When I read through the Bible I see that most of the Godly people in there suffered. A lot. Very few of them had these amazing lives where everything was handed to them on a silver platter. Look at Job. Look at how Abraham and his wife were essentially TTC for apparently a really long time. The story talks about how Abraham asked God if God would allow him to go childless forever. The story says that Abraham and Sarah didn't finally have their child till Abraham was 100. None of us have been TTC for that long. If you look at the story of Jesus you can't really say he had everything handed to him. He didn't have a "nice" life. And he certainly suffered. All the of apostles suffered. So I think to have this idea that as long as you're a Christian and you pray enough you'll have a good life is silly.

God never promised that we wouldn't suffer. He only promised that He'd never put more on us than we can bear. And He promised that He'd never leave us or forsake us. God promises that He'll be near to the brokenhearted. He says He'll be our comfort and our strength.

And I feel like that God has definitely been my comfort and my strength in the hard times. I feel like the suffering I've done in life has made me a better person. I have far more understanding and compassion than I did before. I'm a lot less prideful than I was when I was young. I have more patience (though still not much!). And I appreciate the things I have in life more. I'm more thankful I suppose.

DinosaurJumper · April 2016

NamelessAria said:

God never promised that we wouldn't suffer. He only promised that He'd never put more on us than we can bear. And He promised that He'd never leave us or forsake us. God promises that He'll be near to the brokenhearted. He says He'll be our comfort and our strength.

Yes, yes. put perfectly. God is not a genie. A big part of life is grief. You have to take the highs with the lows. Some people have bigger swings because maybe they are stronger or become stronger.

silentP · April 2016

The Bible says, "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."

This is what I hold onto. I have been thinking about trying to start a miscarriage support group, or just be more vocal about my own miscarriages. We on this board know how important it is to not feel alone.

I agree God never promised us a perfect life without sorrow. But He also knows the desires of our hearts and loves His children. It's hard to wrap my head around having multiple miscarriages, and of course I get angry, but I am doing okay because of the hope I have in Him.

virginiaham · April 2016

ThePax89 said:

I wasn't religious or spiritual until my pregnancy with my daughter.

I've since had two losses and am cold and hard. I'm furious that God took two babies from me.

My heart broke reading this a few days ago @ThePax89. I'm so sorry for your losses. My friend sent me a song that talks about how He doesn't promise to rescue us, but He promises to hold us when everything falls apart. & I fell apart again...I hit my "but I wanted you to save my baby" wall yesterday so I'm wrestling through that right now. My heart goes out to you.

lilyaster · April 2016

Absolutely. I like to think of myself as a spiritual person, I go to church and teach Sunday School, but I'd be lying if I said my faith wasn't shaken by these losses. I don't feel like God abandoned me or took my babies, but I'm not feeling that close to Him either right now. In general I try to focus on the positives, and I have much to be thankful for. I look back at some really crappy times we've been through in the past few years and I can see how things worked out even better than I could have planned, so I'm not trying to understand, I don't understand at all, just trying to keep going.

beff12 · April 2016

I read this quote a couple nights ago in my book and thought of my fellow TTCAL gals. It was really encouraging to me and hopefully it will be to someone else, too.

"In the midst of the roller coaster ride our emotions sometimes take us on, we have to constantly bring our minds and thoughts back to the truth. The truth is, God is good, whether I feel like He is good or not. The truth is, God loves me, whether I feel loved or not. The truth is, through faith in the shed blood of Jesus Christ on my behalf, I am forgiven, whether I feel forgiven or not. The truth is, God will never leave me or forsake me; He is with me all the time, even when I feel alone and forsaken."

LCRbelle · April 2016

I haven't read everyone's posts just yet but I wanted to say a bit about what I've been struggling with. I have gone to church the majority of my life. My DH is agnostic so I have not gone as much as I should since we have been together. No lack of faith on my part, just got out of the habit.
March was my birthday month and I know this sounds silly but all month long I prayed and prayed that God would give me a baby for my birthday. It was literally the only thing I wanted. I took a test on my birthday knowing it would be negative because I was only 8dpo but then a few days later I took another test and it was positive! I had so much hope that this would be the one that stuck. It was my second month on baby aspirin and I felt like it was God's gift to me. A few days later when I started spotting I was crushed. I even texted my mom and said why is God giving me what I prayed for only for me to lose it? I'm still not over this. I have been struggling since then to try and understand things. Why give me partial what I want just for it to fail?
So this is where I am now mentally and spiritually.
My mom is extremely religious and she kept spouting off bible verses to me. I wanted to yell at her and say this is not what I need right now!! I know she's doing what she knows to do to help but I just need some time.

NamelessAria · April 2016

@LCRbelle I got my BFP for my first MC 2 days after my birthday also.

I remember telling DH and my doctor that it was the best birthday present ever.

LCRbelle · April 2016

@NamelessAria my first mc was my birthday week, my second was thanksgiving week, and my third was birthday week again

I told my DH I'm never TTC in March again.

dpjennifer · April 2016

@NamelessAria I really like what you said about God not saying life would be easy or that we wouldn't suffer. That's really helped me.

I've always been religious, although at times I'm more religious and at other times not as much. It's rather complicated since I even have a Masters in Christian Spirtuality and DH is barely religious.

My EDD was my birthday, which is coming up in a few months, so I'm anticipating that to be a very rough time for me, especially if I haven't gotten a BFP before that time (which I've only got this cycle and the next one before that happens).

BlondePeanut · April 2016

I have been back and forth on this. I have continued to pray after suffering my very recent MC. I have my moments where I question why me? I see others around me conceiving babies within a few months of trying, and having healthy pregnancies. Then there is me, someone who keeps getting told they are young and have time (I'm 28), it took us 9 cycles for our pregnancy and I just lost it. I have always wanted babies, ever since I myself was a baby. I waited, did things "the right way", fell in love at 19, waited 5 years into that relationship to get married when we were more mature, and we have been married 4 years now. We started trying last year...and were both under the false idea that we'd just get pregnant right away. Nope. Not us. Because God has a plan, and sometimes I question why this plan involves the delay in conception and then this loss. I am staying hopeful and faithful that it will all work out....hugs to all!

Wishilivedinflorida · April 2016

I find that it helps me as a Christian to know that I am called to suffer, and that my suffering will never compare to the suffering that Jesus endured during His crucifixion. And because of this, I have a very personal God who understands my suffering and pain. He is near to the broken-hearted, and though I may not understand His plan now, I can take heart that my suffering does not happen in vain. I am being sharpened by these experiences. I am leaning into God because of my losses more than I think I would have if these babies had lived. Everyone keeps saying that I'm handling this well, all things considered, but I know it's not me on my own weathering the storm. I need God now more than ever...He is holding me up right now. I know my testimony is being formed in a very bold and real way and my story will one day help someone.

Regardless, I have very broken days where I feel helpless and that God is far away. I'm human. But I lean more into prayer and scripture when I recognize these things happening.

To top it off, my losses occurred right after thanksgiving (so Christmas was hard) and right before Easter. I conceived my first most likely on my birthday, and my second EDD was supposed to be Halloween. Pretty much every holiday for one whole year has been ruined.

@beff12 I adore that quote. Thank you for sharing!

MWoodside · April 2016

@WishIlivedinflorida, thank you for sharing that. I really needed to read that today. Today is one of those broken, down days for me. I think you are right, now is the time to lean harder into God.

I was so torn about posting this OP initially. I wasn't sure it would be well received. I am so glad I did it, because when I am feeling really down I find myself coming back to this thread to read all of your responses. Thank you all.

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