I've decided to stay home

ThursdayMorning · April 2016

Hey,
I'm curious if anyone else has decided to stay home with baby full time (or has experience with this transition)? FTM and a bit concerned about the transition. How do you meet other moms? Activities during the day for both mom and baby? What has the biggest challenge been? How do you maintain balance as a mom and as a woman with interests outside of being a mom?

Thank you much for any advice!

nanner26 · April 2016

I will be staying at home full time as well. I'm a teacher and once this school year is over it will be my last for a couple years. I currently live overseas and most of my friends are moving away this year and I'll be moving about 30 minutes from the few that will still be here. I'm also concerned about being by myself a lot of the time.
I'll be checking this thread for advice as well!

haboobjob · April 2016

I decided to stay home after I had DD. I never ever thought I would be a SAHM before because I loved working. Long story super short, I decided it was the best choice for me and my family to stay home with DD for at least the first year. It was a tough transition for me. I was the first out of my friends to have kids so I didn't really have a lot of mom friends when DD was super little. Luckily, they all got pregnant shortly after me so I have a couple SAHMs to hang out with now. I'm still looking for new ways to meet other moms. I know there are groups but I'm nervous to be the new mom and trying to fit in.

The first couple of months were busy enough just keeping up with diaper changes, naps and feedings. Now that she's older, we go to the zoo a lot (the yearly membership is inexpensive and a trip can eat up a whole day), parks and lots of shopping trips.

I've found ways to still keep active (my background is in marketing/events) by volunteering with local non-profits. I've also taken advantage of this time by picking up hobbies I've always wished I could do but never had the time like sewing and cooking. I learned I could cook more than just Mac and cheese so the whole family is happy about that!

Just keep a sense of humor and open heart. Things can be tough at home by yourself. I had lots of moments of self doubt in the beginning because I thought I was falling short of the Stepford Wife expectation I had created for myself with my unkempt home and appearance. Don't forget to spend special moments with your SO and have grown up conversations whenever possible.

Annnddddd sorry for the long post.

tisunge602 · April 2016

I did. I worked fulltime for 7 years before DS was born and made the transition to SAHM two weeks before he was born (he is 2 1/2 now). It is a rough transition... I would say it took me about six months to really get used to it. You wouldn't think so, because you're hanging out with your child all day, but it's the loneliest job in the world. It can feel so isolating. It's good you're already thinking about how you're going to stay connected to the adult world.

Get yourself involved in a moms' group that meets regularly. I highly recommend finding a chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), which is a Christian organization but you don't have to be a member of a specific denomination, or something similar if you're involved in a church (my church has its own version of MOPS that I attend).

Get out of the house daily if you can. Have a routine. Go to library storytimes, free playgroups (my community has something called Play and Learn, put on by United Way, that meets weekly), talk to moms at the park, go to coffee shops that have play areas. I'm an introvert so I totally get that it is hard to put yourself out there, but after 2 1/2 years of being a SAHM I can truly say I have made a lot of mom friends in my community.

I think @justaudrey put it really well when she talked about falling short of expectations. Do your best and remember to ask your SO for help. Also remember that even though your day felt long and lonely, he had a full day as well. Talk to each other about things besides the kid(s). Carve out time for each other. Ask him what he needs (and he should do the same for you).

Sorry my post is long as well.

Good luck -- you'll do great!

Snaps816 · April 2016

I've decided to stay home too -- not permanently, but for about the first year. My job wouldn't offer any part time or work from home option. And with the cost of childcare and the costs I incur working (gas, downtown parking, professional wardrobe, etc) I'd barely be "profiting" anything. And while I love my coworkers and even my boss, I'm a little ambivalent towards the work I do at my current job. I am really excited to be home with my child, focus on keeping the household running, and then when it's time to get back to work, finding something that I like more and that will work for my family. I have the same concerns as you about getting out of the house, meeting people, and keeping sane! I haven't committed to this at work yet (so far they haven't asked me whether I've made up my mind) but privately, I'm convinced this is the right decision.

Curls919 · April 2016

I went pt when DS was born and then quit altogether when he was 11m. It's definitely a transition!

my advice is to find local moms to get together with. Since the baby won't be able to do much at first, meet friends for lunch, a walk in the park (or a mall if it's bad weather). Find a new mom support group (a lot of hospitals have them). Then when the baby is 4-6 months old start going to mommy & me classes, Gymboree, etc.

also. Make are you still have a hobby or something that gets you out of the house a few times a month without the kid. You will still need to feel like "you" and not just a mom. That's what I struggle with even now!

blond1230 · April 2016

I stayed home with DS after working several years in a fast paced career. I can honestly say my days were rarely boring. If anything they were busier than I expected. My biggest surprise was that just because I was "home all day" didn't mean that everything would get done. Especially in the beginning it was tough to find a rhythm to get all the laundry/cleaning/organizing done that I thought I would magically have time for.

Staying busy with with other adult interaction is key. We did Gymboree from a very early age, along with a mommy n me at our church and classes at the library and book store. Even if it's just once a day getting out is most important for my sanity. It breaks the day up quickly and allows you time to meet and make new friends. I also dabbled in a meetup group of local moms in our county that had play dates and moms nights out. At the beginning it was tougher for me because I can be a shy person but you'll realize all moms are in a similar boat and would likely love to chat and get to know you!

JLyn821 · April 2016

I had a bit of a different experience. I went back to work after my 12 weeks of maternity leave and then quit when DS was 8 months. DH and I were nervous about losing my income, but after paying 5 months of daycare, me filling up my gas tank every 5 days, and eating out more often because I worked, we didn't bring much more home. Quitting was the best thing ever. It definitely takes time to establish your routine. Starting from when they're newborns would be easier, I imagine.

While I agree with finding things to do outside the house, know that you'll have plenty to do for the house and in house. Grocery shopping, errands, doctor's appointments, and anything else you'd usually hold off for after work, are now done during the day. Cleaning, laundry, meal prep, etc are also done during the day.

One thing that has been wonderful is how free our weekends are now because we're not cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc. We can have family time.

cm716 · April 2016

I've been at home for about four years. I meet most of my mom friends through our local church. I second all the other suggestions like story times and free events.

I think the key to keeping sane is not losing your identity in just being a mom. If you've had a long day leave the baby with your husband and get out even if it's just to wander the aisles at target.

Make time to go out with just your girlfriends and just your husband too.

If you like reading at all, i would also suggest getting a kindle if you plan to nurse. You spend a lot of time sitting. My dh got me one when dd1 was born and it was a lifesaver.

ThursdayMorning · April 2016

Oh this is all great advice. Thank you!

I am not religious and don't belong to a church + all of my girlfriends work full time so I'm definitely nervous about being able to meet other SAHM. I'll have to find some groups!

One more question (and please don't be offended as I have such tremendous respect for women who stay home to raise their children) but what term do you use to refer to yourself? I've been so career oriented for 12+ years that I am not sure how to answer the question, "so what do you do?" How do you prefer to describe your role? I don't love "stay at home mom" because that doesn't seem to accurately describe the hard work it is.

kiwico14 · April 2016

ThursdayMorning said:

One more question (and please don't be offended as I have such tremendous respect for women who stay home to raise their children) but what term do you use to refer to yourself? I've been so career oriented for 12+ years that I am not sure how to answer the question, "so what do you do?" How do you prefer to describe your role? I don't love "stay at home mom" because that doesn't seem to accurately describe the hard work it is.

Ha. I remember a SAHM on an HGTV show (I think it was Property Brothers) who referred to herself as a domestic engineer.

cm716 · April 2016

@ThursdayMorning. I just tell people I stay at home with my kids.

Stephanie7693 · April 2016

@ thursdaMorning... I just tell people my full time job is mom.

I've been home now for a little over 2 years. It took until my second kid was 3 to realize it wasn't worth my paychecks. I did keep a day or two a week at my job, just to get out and talk to adults for 8 hours. I've found I stay pretty busy even without a lot of mom friends. My best friend works full time, but we make dates every Friday night for us and the kids to get together and drink wine (our husbands drive us home!) That helps. But I've met lots of mom's at my kids school, and going to parks and activities. Our city sends out a booklet every season, and there's things for moms with small kids to attend. Bit I'm kind of a recluse, I like the relationships I have, and don't seek out new people. I'm OK with being alone most of the time during the day. When it becomes too much, I make time do do something alone when my husband gets home from work. He knows now that it can save my sanity. Going to the gym with my kids is nice too. Daycare at the gym and up to two hours of freedom a day! You will find what makes you happy, but the first 6 months is about figuring out your routine and what you need outside of that. It will probably be much different than you expect, but don't worry!

tisunge602 · April 2016

ThursdayMorning said:

Oh this is all great advice. Thank you!

I am not religious and don't belong to a church + all of my girlfriends work full time so I'm definitely nervous about being able to meet other SAHM. I'll have to find some groups!

One more question (and please don't be offended as I have such tremendous respect for women who stay home to raise their children) but what term do you use to refer to yourself? I've been so career oriented for 12+ years that I am not sure how to answer the question, "so what do you do?" How do you prefer to describe your role? I don't love "stay at home mom" because that doesn't seem to accurately describe the hard work it is.

It can be tempting to say something like "I stay at home with my son, BUT I worked fulltime for ___ years as a ___ before that." I struggled with that at first, like I had to justify myself or prove myself to the person who was asking. I have had to learn to get over that. I don't need to impress anyone or prove to anyone how hard it can be to be a SAHM. I don't need a special title to make it sound better to other people. I have had to learn to be secure in our decision for me to stay home and not try to impress others. But it took me awhile to get to that point.

ETA: I'm not offended at all by your question. Just trying to challenge you to think of it a different way.

riveridgional · April 2016

I'm so jealous. I wish more than anything I could be a SAHM!

JLyn821 · April 2016

ThursdayMorning said:

One more question (and please don't be offended as I have such tremendous respect for women who stay home to raise their children) but what term do you use to refer to yourself? I've been so career oriented for 12+ years that I am not sure how to answer the question, "so what do you do?" How do you prefer to describe your role? I don't love "stay at home mom" because that doesn't seem to accurately describe the hard work it is.

I tell people I stay at home. Simple as that.

Curls919 · April 2016

Also, random thought - make sure your husband also gets out with his friends from time to time. DH still "feels guilty" when he goes out after work because he knows I've been with DS all day. But then he never sees his friends. So I make him meet up with people maybe twice a month.

kiwico14 · April 2016

@ThursdayMorning Do you have family nearby that is willing to babysit now and then? Don't be afraid to ask for help. Give yourself a little break now and then. You're taking on one of the hardest, most important jobs there is. Your LO deserves the best of you, and that means that you also need to take good care of yourself.

ThursdayMorning · April 2016

@tisunge602 Thank you. If I'm being honest with myself, I think this is what I'm struggling with most. I've had a very successful career that is impressive and it's opened a lot of doors for me in other areas of my life. It's been such an identity for me that I can't yet come to terms with how to move beyond that and not feel the need to justify myself as a SAHM.

You are completely right. I shouldnt have to justify anything.

Appreciate all all the great advice. I'm very excited for this new chapter.

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