DHs cousins want to visit... We don't get along.

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

last night DH and I were discussing visitors who would be coming down after our son is born. Of course, the topic of his cousins came up (cousins who has not spoken to me since our wedding two years ago).

long story short, we don't get along. I honestly don't know what the issue is, but I do know at one point they felt I took their cousin (my DH) from them, and that I'm a spoiled brat.. (I assume they feel I'm spoiled because my parents gave us an amazing, dream wedding... Which frankly the cost of that is none of their business)

fast forward to my first pregnancy in 2014.. These cousins never said a peep. No congratulations, no how are you feeling, no nothing. Sadly- 12 weeks later I miscarried.. You would think I would hear from his family right?? Nope. To this day not a word. No acknowledgment of a loss.

So here we are, now 23w6d pregnant, discussing visitors, and these cousins of course came up.

DH doesn't want any drama, and for this to be all about our son, which I 100% agree with... However, how the heck am I supposed to just open my home to people who could clearly care less about me, and apparently my entire pregnancy??

I could care less if they like me, but to be so disrespectful, and then to think you can just show up when my child is born like you did nothing wrong... I can't stomach it.

DH hates conflict, so he's no help with a resolution. I don't feel like he has my back at all on this. He just wants everyone to get along.

I feel like I'm supposed to be the bigger person at this point and reach out to solve the issue, but I am so hurt and angry... I'm not sure what to say without getting even more upset over it.

what would you do?

mrsb8244 · February 2016

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. A couple things before I get to the main topic:

1. I'm so sorry for your loss I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you guys. It's pathetic on their part that they didn't reach out to you during that time.

2. You did "take their cousin away" because that's what happens when we grow up and get married. I don't know if you guys are religious at all but the Bible says a man leaves his family to become a new family with his wife. Now obviously we don't actually leave our family and never talk to them again but our priorities do change as they should.

3. They seem really immature and I don't like them lol

Now back to the topic:

This is a hard situation because like you said you want to be the bigger person for your son but you don't deserve to be treated poorly. I understand H not wanting conflict (my H is the same way and it can be frustrating) but in this case it's his family and I feel like something should be said. I think there are two options (in my opinion). He either can say something to them beforehand and see how they react. It doesn't have to be rude just a simple "it really hurt us that you guys didn't care enough to even ask how we were doing through the loss of our first baby and through this pregnancy." Or you guys can let it go and start fresh with letting them visit after the baby is born. However, I think you need to have a talk with H about if they are rude or disrespectful towards you he needs to say something and they won't be allowed to visit again until their attitude changes. If he doesn't feel comfortable with this maybe you have a family member who would be willing to be present during the time you know they're visiting and stand up for you. For example if this were me with either of our families I would have my mom present because she has no problem putting someone in their place. Maybe H would feel more comfortable with this since it wouldn't be him confronting them.

I'm sorry this turned out to be so long! Maybe someone else will have a better option

Huskerfanz · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. Are these cousins married? Do they have kids? If not, they might just not understand. Sometimes, it's hard to relate to others in different life stages. My own sisters don't really ask about my pregnancy because they aren't at that point and don't really understand. The cousins might not even realize there is an issue. Can you get together with them while you are still pregnant and see how things go?

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

Yes. Married, with kids, and 15 years older than me-- 45. They never think they are wrong or can do any harm to anyone. Everything is always about them, and if it's not they don't acknowkedge it. I'm not the only one they treat like this, and I know that, I just struggle to accept it. It's just been easier to ignore for the past two years. The live in a different state, so seeing them won't be happening. They actually came to our state in December and didn't even bother calling or coming to visit..

I don't know if I'm more upset that my husband doesn't want to be bothered with the drama, or if I'm upset about how I'm treated. I tend to think it's more about DH.

BlueJuice · February 2016

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Dealing with other families is such a challenge, not least because their expectations and norms are sometimes different than what we've grown up with.

I'm not completely clear from your posts how much interaction you've had with these cousins in the past two years. Is it a case where they said some rude things at your wedding (maybe behind your back), and then in the intervening time they haven't reached out through all these other incidents? Or have you guys been reaching out to them only to be rebuffed? Do you guys all see each other fairly regularly (maybe at family holiday celebrations or something) where they ignore you? The answers to these questions would color my feelings at this point and how I tried to handle it.

If it's been a fairly hands-off relationship between both sides since the wedding, I might try to give them a fresh start and at least allow to visit, but with some clear guidelines with DH about things that are not okay and an understanding that if they behave rudely at this point, he really needs to say something.

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

@bluejuice my perception of what caused the friction to begin with is that this cousin has always been "the man" and what he says has always gone.. until I came along and DH chose me, and suddenly has his own life and way of living it. (I mean seriously, the cousin was pissed about the DJ we chose for our wedding, and also that his friend was not invited as a guest -- mind you, neither DH or I know his friend!) Post wedding, I was clearly upset with him, but when we found out we were pregnant the first time, I put it behind us, for the sake of the baby, and tried to get along.. Since our families are so large, we decided to send out a text announcement around 8 weeks, and included this cousin and his wife.. instead of them replying (like the rest of our family members), he and his wife decided to start their own message to my DH telling him not to forget our child will be a reflection of the environment s/he grows up in... whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.. So from where I am sitting, he and his wife intentionally just doesn't speak to me.

We live in Florida, they are in Indiana, so we have not seen them since our wedding, and of course, I am the one to blame for DH not visiting... I can assure you, I have nothing to do with visiting or not -- we visit my family multiple times a year in New York, and my family comes to visit us - DH has a wonderful relationship with my parents, especially my dad.. The two of them go on trips and leave me and my mom home!! it's really a beautiful thing to see and I am beyond thankful welcomed DH with open arms.

I feel like if I were to get a call or even a text at this point, apologizing for the way I have been treated and the lack of respect I have been shown, especially during our time of loss, I would accept it and move on... At this point though, I feel like I have to reach out, spell out the issue and basically ask for an apology, which is ridiculous, and wouldn't be genuine, so I don't know if it will even make a difference.

I hate to be like this, I just don't want to set the stage and have this become a normal behavior. I don't want to continue to be walked all over, and most of all I do not want my son growing up seeing someone treat his mother with such disrespect.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice. I am at my wits end with all of it. It's only 9:13 and I have been in tears three times already!!! Can't wait til 5pm so I can go home and cuddle with my pupkid!

TheHauntedHauswife · February 2016

BlueJuice said, I am also a little unclear on how the relationship has gone. Did they ask to come down? Did they say they were coming down? or is DH just essentially planning to invite them? I think it makes a difference. Because if they declared they are visiting and you are trying to stop them, Its definitely trickier but thats also insanely rude to invite yourself somewhere so you would be pretty justified in asking them to hold off for a bit. However, if you are just in debate with DH on whether or not to invite them, I think you can definitely take the risk of simply not inviting them and if something comes up, your simple answer is that you had no idea they were interested as they have not expressed any congratulations or otherwise caring comments your way. Also, If its the later then how do you know they even would want to come down or accept the invitation? Maybe they just simply are selfish and do not care.

princessandthegator · February 2016

TheHauntedHauswife said:

BlueJuice said, I am also a little unclear on how the relationship has gone. Did they ask to come down? Did they say they were coming down? or is DH just essentially planning to invite them? I think it makes a difference. Because if they declared they are visiting and you are trying to stop them, Its definitely trickier but thats also insanely rude to invite yourself somewhere so you would be pretty justified in asking them to hold off for a bit. However, if you are just in debate with DH on whether or not to invite them, I think you can definitely take the risk of simply not inviting them and if something comes up, your simple answer is that you had no idea they were interested as they have not expressed any congratulations or otherwise caring comments your way. Also, If its the later then how do you know they even would want to come down or accept the invitation? Maybe they just simply are selfish and do not care.

This. Also, are you talking about these people coming and staying at your place? If so that would be a big HELL NAH. Get a hotel. I wouldn't have a "future argument" or be upset about something that hasn't happened yet. I would simply tell your husband that you can cross that bridge when you get there but to please tell you if they text him saying they want to come visit the baby because "insert @TheHauntedHauswiferesponse". How do your in laws feel about this? Perhaps if they understand your perspective or feel similarly that would be a good way of avoiding the situation all together.

CourtJack · February 2016

Sorry for your loss.

And sorry you feel your H isn't backing you up on this. In my opinion, he should be on your side - based on the behaviors and perceptions you've listed re: the cousins. I do believe every story has two sides, but it really does sound like they've treated you unfairly and I would feel fairly similar to you in relation to them coming to visit.

If you haven't seen them in two years, and they haven't reached out to YOU specifically to congratulate you - I would make sure that your wishes are followed over theirs.

Re: being the bigger person - yes that is always admirable, but you also need to respect yourself and your feelings. You deserve to be treated properly and I would absolutely attempt to resolve this conflict before a child is brought into the mix. So, all this to say - if they want to visit, there are conditions that need to be met - including either an explanation and/or an apology, and a clear understanding moving forward.

I'd also be sure to talk to H and explain how you feel (if you haven't done that already). I get not wanting to be confrontational or start drama - but YOU guys didn't ask for this all to happen. So, it seems there is already drama - and him sticking up for you wouldn't be causing anything. It would be a step to resolving things.

Family drama is the WORST and it would be best, if at all possible, to resolve it before baby comes into the picture.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

Thank you @CourtJack. For what it's worth, yes there are always two sides to the story, and I am certainly willing to own my part of whatever the issue is, if they would have a conversation about it and let me know what the problem is. I have only ever met them twice. The first time after my engagement, and then at the wedding. What on earth I possibly could have done in those two moments, is beyond me. But I am happy to acknowledge any wrong doing I might have done.

I am going to talk to DH tonight. At this point, I am starting to just think he doesn't understand how much I am hurting over this. I am such a family oriented person, so this might be affecting me more than he realizes.. I would much rather make peace with these people and move on than continue to have this awkward fighting thing going on -its ridiculous.

As far as whether or not they have asked to come down - I have no idea... The topic of conversation came up last night at dinner and DH mentioned them visiting; I can only assume they brought it up, because I am fairly certain he wouldn't invite them knowing there's friction... especially not to stay at our home.. Very good point - I will clarify with him, because clearly if they haven't asked, I don't think I have too much to worry about until the time comes...

This is why you ladies are so incredibly amazing!! Thanks for helping me see different points of view that I had not even thought about!!

In-Laws... his mother passed quite a few years ago, and his father just came back into the picture. I adore his dad, and vice versa.. and for what it's worth, he (his dad) doesn't have a great relationship with the individuals (his cousin/this side of the family) either..

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

Nope. End of discussion.

There's no need for your newborn to meet people who flat out don't like you to begin with. And let's be honest, newborn babies just want to be with their moms anyway.
Save the meet and greet for the next family reunion.

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

This is what I would do. I would look your husband straight in the eye and say, " look buddy, someone is going to be upset about this situation. So you can either choose to upset me, ya know the woman you promised to put above all others, the woman who is having your child and the woman you sleep next to in bed every night or you can choose to upset your cousins. So who would you rather upset, them or me."

I had to say something similar to my husband a few years ago. It was like a light bulb went off in his head and he realized " dear god, I would rather have an upset mom than an upset wife." Never had to say it again. That was the moment he got it.

So that is my advice to you. Let him know someone is going to be unhappy about this situation. So would he rather have an unhappy wife or unhappy cousins.

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

Also are you positive these people aren't using the baby as an excuse to use your home as a free hotel ? Just asking because I have seen that before, people staying at your home to " see the baby" but really they just don't want to pay for a hotel.

Do you by chance live in a touristy area ?

chiiandhideki · February 2016

First, I'm sorry for your loss.

Second, I would not allow anybody into our home that would disrespect me/my husband. Sounds like this might be the case, on which I would be like "NO." Nobody is going to disrespect us in our own home. Put your foot down if you fear this may be the case. Third, if he doesn't like conflict, too bad. You can't always give into everyone else's wants/demands/whining etc. so they are happy and you are miserable. He is an adult, and needs to understand conflict will occur from time to time. You can't "wish everyone would get along." That's not how it works. As another person said, he needs to put you first, and if you don't want them there, he needs to honor that. You are supposed to be #1 in his life, and vise versa, of course. (Obviously baby is very important too, and his/her needs come before the wants of some cousins who want to visit). Fourth, as someone else said, are they coming to visit, or are they secretly coming to go out on the town and use your place as a free hotel?
In any case, my advice is the same. Put your foot down and don't give in to having his cousins visit so he can be happy and you (a mom with a brand new baby) can be tired and miserable. Their feelings are NOT, repeat NOT more important than yours!! Let us know how it turns out!

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

Thank you ladies!! Your comments and advice have been helpful and even made me smile! @Disneygeek77 -- we are in Orlando

DH clearly knows something is wrong at this point.. he's been texting all day about baby things (which is completely unusual) and is has been offering to do things around the house, since he's off work. Hopefully our chat tonight will be productive.

@chiiandhideki -- I would NEVER allow anyone in my family to disrespect my DH. Period. If the tables were turned, this wouldn't even be a topic because it would have been nipped two years ago when the drama began. But that's just me.

I will let you know how it all turns out.

xo -- Kaitie

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

Ahhhhhhh, Orlando in June with three kids. My instinct was correct. I'd bet you a bazillion dollars they don't care about you, the baby or your husband. They want a free place to stay and someone to drive them to the parks.

kaitielynnrichardson · February 2016

Yea, that's not happening @disneygeek77!! Lol

HBamama2B · February 2016

So glad to see you post Kaitie! But boo on the lousy cousins. I can't believe they said that during the first pregnancy, let alone the rest of it. I'd be extremely frustrated and unwilling to budge on it too. If they've shown no interest and no support, what right do they have to impose and take up the precious time of newborn joy and exhaustion? Save it for yourselves and those who have been there along the whole road, not the high points. They can come later, and yeah, definitely stay in a hotel. Hope the talk tonight goes well!!! Hugs.

TheHauntedHauswife · February 2016

Oh man... Yeah... You being in Orlando adds an entire other side to this! I would also put my money on looking for a free hotel in your home. Which is a thousand times worse. Not only are people with friction looking to stay in your house but imagine how much worse that will be to have you home with your newborn enjoying a special and super personal time, while they are trekking in and out of the house as they please to visit the theme parks. Noooooooooo.

kaitielynnrichardson · April 2016

hey ladies! it's been a while since I have updated you all, but A LOT has happened since then.. very long story short... I have found out the reason this cousin (and some other family members) don't like me, and haven't shown any interest in my 1st pregnancy, miscarriage, and now this pregnancy and our son... rewind 2+ years back to OUR wedding.... I didn't invite this cousins daughter (who was 8 at the time) to have her nails painted at the nail place with me and my bridesmaids (above 21)... NONE of the little girls, meaning, flower girls, ring girls, etc. were invited, because it was the first time I had spent any quality time with my bridesmaids, as we all live in different states.. there was of course, drinking, sex talk, etc. going on, which is clearly not appropriate for young children. Needless to say, when I found this out, I made it quite clear that none of this side of the family was welcome down to Orlando to visit my husband, me and our newborn son. WE (yes, my DH is finally understanding and on board) do not want any drama surrounding this precious time in our life!

I attempted to have a conversation with DHs aunt, who basically accepts her sons behavior (this shitty cousin that doesn't like me).. she is aware they are not welcome down here in June.

I feel so much better, mostly because DH realizes the amount of disrespect that side of the family has for HIS WIFE. It's sad, but at least I know that he has my back and will not tolerate that kind of behavior toward me.

on a positive note, his dads side (who he just reconnected with last year, after 23 years), is renting a couple houses at the end of July to come meet baby, celebrate with us, and have even offered to cook for us while they are here.. now that is what I call family!! #BLESSED!

I want to thank you all again for all your advice and support- this was tough for me and DH, but at the end of the day, our family of two, soon to be three, has to take priority now.

DHs cousins want to visit... We don't get along.

Re: DHs cousins want to visit... We don't get along.

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