Introduction (Loss Mentioned) - Exhausted and need to vent

kjones202 · March 2016

Hi all - have been lurking on these boards for a while but never posted. My husband and I (he's 38 yo and I will be the same this summer) have been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years. We went to an RE 18 months ago and have had five completely unsuccessful IUIs. We took one month off in between one of the attempts and got pregnant naturally, only to have it be a chemical pregnancy that disappeared as fast as it arrived. We started IVF at the end of the summer - retrieved 14 eggs, 10 fertilized, ended up with 2 blastocysts, implanted one and froze one. Had a BFP, three good blood tests, started bleeding about a week later, and had no sac/heartbeat at the 7.5 week ultrasound. It was deemed another chemical pregnancy and we were devastated. Did an FET a few weeks ago and received our BFN news last week. While we have been lucky in many ways (no known fertility issues, all tests have been normal, my insurance covered $10K in costs for IUI/IVF, my husband and I genuinely and truly love and support each other), we are so frustrated and exhausted and out of insurance money so everything going forward is out of pocket. The roller coaster of emotions is sometimes unbearable. In addition, having two chemical pregnancies followed by a BFN (which was deemed by our doctor to be an issue with the embryo), I wonder if there is a bigger problem that we haven't discovered yet.

I consider myself an emotionally stable person, and have been a complete basketcase the last few months. I feel like literally everyone around me is pregnant, most with their second or third child. I am so envious of them. If I let my mind wander, I lose complete hope that we will ever have our own children, which feels like a crime because we have so much love to give a child. I feel like I'm running out of time, I hate that I can't be happy for my friends who are pregnant, I hate being around friends that talk about their children all of the time. It's an awful feeling.

We are at a pretty big fertility center, and while we absolutely love our doctor, it takes forever to get an appointment with her. After finding out last week about our BFN, the next appointment available with her is mid-April. So frustrating when all you want to do is get going again and figure out next steps. I've contemplated making an appointment with a smaller, more personal place, but the thought of completely starting over with a new doctor and new staff is too overwhelming.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and letting me vent. It was therapeutic to write and it is comforting to read stories of others feeling the same way I do.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

Welcome @kjones202! After reading your story, my heart goes out to you! I'm so sorry for your losses and for all that you've been through so far, and I'm so happy you've decided to join us and start posting here. This board is so supportive and I honestly don't know what I would do without it! Like you, I find myself very lucky to have such a wonderful supportive husband and a good financial situation, but this infertility stuff is just so damn hard no matter what. We try so hard to get pregnant and everyone around us is popping out babies like it's a contest. I know what you mean about finding it so hard to be happy for friends announcing pregnancies. I'm not going to a friend's birthday dinner in a couple weeks because I don't want to be hearing all about another friend's pregnancy the entire time. I just can't handle it emotionally.

Anyway, welcome again, and once you get back into the RE and find your next steps, please do join us in the IVF cycle threads!

kjones202 · March 2016

Thanks @wifeinraleigh28 for your nice note. It's nice to know we aren't alone and I will gladly join you at the IVF cycle boards soon. Thanks again!

LizzieJ13 · March 2016

Hi @kjones202, I'm sorry you have to be here and I totally get the "everyone is pregnant" thing. So many women close to me have just had or are about to have babies. It's an awful feeling to envy them, and then feel guilty about that, too! Anyway, good luck to you, whatever your next step ends up being. I hope you're not here long!

kjones202 · March 2016

Thanks for your kind words @LizzieJ13. Good luck to you as well!

msirni0 · March 2016

Welcome @kjones202 and sorry you have to be here. Oh, I can so relate! Haven't been trying quite as long as you, just under 2 years here, but I totally relate to what you're feeling. Awhile back @NicWalker10 started a thread regarding somw changes she made to increase her egg quality and consequently embryo quality. I would recommend reading that! I found it very interesting and helpful. This board is full of very knowledgable, supportive women. I hope you find this to be a comforting space, but hopefully you won't have to be here too long!

fayz22 · March 2016

Hi @kjones202 - I completely sympathize with what you are going through. It's been a long road for us as well (I am 35, husband 42, no known fertility issues). We also work with a larger clinic and it's tough to get appointments with my doctor. Are you open to phone consultations? I got a BFN and our follow-up appointment wasn't for three more weeks. I felt panicked thinking we'd have to wait that long to get answers and make a plan. My nurse asked if I'd be open to a phone consultation since those can be squeezed in last minute. We agreed and sure enough the very next day were able to talk with our doctor. Because of that, we were able to get going on another protocol right away and she also eased some of the worries in my head that I am sure would have only gotten worse in the weeks leading up to our original consult date.

Another thing that has really helped me this time around is acupuncture. If anything, it's relaxing and it's "my" 30 minutes to rest and clear my head, without any other distractions. Increasing blood flow can do amazing things for your body, especially when you are trying to conceive a successful pregnancy.

Lastly, and this may sound kind of corny, but visualization has also helped tremendously. I am in the midst of a two week wait and I take time (15 minutes, twice a day) to lay down and visualize all things good about the pregnancy...the embryo implanting, hatching, growing...the birth, and then raising that baby. I even will talk to the embryo and encourage him/her to implant and "stick around". Again, nothing scientific but your mind can do powerful things. It won't hurt anything, and gives me a sense of control over the situation since it makes me feel like I am doing something to help.

My heart goes out to you and I understand completely the difficulty in witnessing other's joy. But just know that when you do have your baby (and you will!), you will truly appreciate the miracle that is life and never take that pregnancy or baby for granted. You can take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone in this!

Wishing you well!

lablover78 · March 2016

Hey there- visiting from the trouble tttc board but had to post. It's amazing how crazy I feel on this journey (37 yo almost 3 yrs of tttc) and am so grateful when I read posts like yours and realize that all my feelings are echoed by other women. It sucks to miss out on friends' events and to feel like I am pushing people away because I can't deal with the emotions. You are not alone! Hang in there & try to keep the faith.

kjones202 · March 2016

Thank you all so so much. I can't even begin to express how comforting this has been to (1) vent my frustration, and (2) know that others are dealing with the same thing. Thank you thank you thank you. I will be thinking of and praying that all of you have success in the near near future.

kjones202 · March 2016

Thank you @fayz22! I have been doing acupuncture once a week and completely agree with you - if anything, the 30 minutes of "me time" is a welcome time to shut my mind down. The visualization is something I will try on our next go-round! If I can stick needles in my stomach and butt on a daily basis, I am certainly willing to try ANYTHING to make this happen.

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