To Tell or Not To Tell...

BenNSarah · March 2016

How do you all decide to tell or not about what you are going through. I have a few people at work that know because of the constant appointments. My parents know about my condition because I was diagnosed at 17, but they don't know much about our current treatment. We haven't talked to any other family, especially DH's family. My MIL is a bit of a gossip, but also really wants grandbabies so she does unthoughtful things like buying us baby socks... So sometimes I just want to tell so we stop getting nagged about having babies, but other times I don't want to tell because I don't want everyone to hear that it's "my fault" that we don't have kids. That is how she would spin it. I blame myself enough, I don't need someone else to blame me too.

msirni0 · March 2016

I am EXTREMELY open about our struggles. It took me awhile to get here, but pretty much everyone knows what we are going through. It's a personal choice though! I am in general a pretty extroverted person. A lot of people were asking me when we were going to have a baby, which is a question I find extremely offensive, so I just told them that we are having trouble (sometimes in a snarky way bc I'm a little bit of a B and i want them to know they are being rude). I've posted a lot about it on social media, because I think people who aren't struggling with it need to know how to be sensitive to the fact that a lot of people suffer from infertility. I'm personally glad I am open about it bc I have a TON of support and positive vibes coming my way which I feel can only help. I've also reconnected with some people I may have lost touch with who are going through the same thing and have been a good support to those people which makes me feel good! The only downside is that sometimes people ask me about how things are going when it's not a good time to ask (like right after a negative beta) but I've kinda made it clear to those people that it is a subject that should only be brought up by me.

Tulips29 · March 2016

It's a tough decision to make and definitely one you should feel comfortable with. I'm a very private person by nature and feel that the less people know, the better off I am. At first, I didn't tell anyone and laughed off the baby questions. When things got tougher and we were referred to an RE, I felt like it was my fault as well. I held it in for a while and then decided to tell a friend who also struggled. It felt good to open up and educate her on what I went through. She got pregnant naturally after a m/c but she still understood the pain behind constant unsuccessful trying. When I told my best friend, it seemed like she understood, but she didn't really understand. She got pregnant with both of her kids without any issues. When I talked about my issues, she asks questions but doesn't probe further. My mom knows as well, but my in-laws don't. I feel like they stopped asking and just realized something must be wrong since we aren't having kids yet. They don't ask though and I'm happy for that. I feel like I will eventually share with them, but only when this works and once I get pregnant. DH wanted to be open with them from the beginning but I asked him to keep this between us, my 2 close gf's and my mom for now until the time is right. At the end of it all, we can't tell you to share or not to share, but I hope our experience helps you with your decision. Please stop blaming yourself, as it is not your fault!

msirni0 · March 2016

Agreed @tulips29 everyone is different! Being open is therapeutic to me, but it definitely isn't for a lot of people!

BecauseLove · March 2016

msirni0 I am pretty open about things (but maybe a little less sharey after a year and half of ttc)...when I started people would often give their words of wisdom of just relax, or let me tell you about the time my friend who was trying 5 years got prego the min she stopped trying etc. lol I think being somewhat open about the struggle and being clear about the importance of medication/dr intervention for us...has helped to educate people that it isn't just about relaxing. I wish more people were open about their struggles on FB and with friends. One of my good friends told me she tried for a year with secondary infertility issues and I didn't know at all. Made me wish I had known so I could have been a support to her.

But to each their own.

calfherder · March 2016

I just recently opened up about our IF to a select group of people on my Facebook (some friends and family members that I trust not to be too judgy). No one knew we were even trying, let alone going through IF treatments. I think what caused me to disclose was all the motherhood challenge posts, and the memes from new moms like "When my friends without kids say they're exhausted" (insert laughing pic). I hate when people are so 1-uppy on there, and those posts drove me over the edge!

**edit to add: My situation is not typical since we live far from our relatives and see them only once or twice a year. It was easy for us to keep it a secret for so long because people aren't typically up in our business. No one asks us when we're going to have kids anymore because we've been married 11 years. I know it is a lot more difficult to skirt around those questions when you are still recently married. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to! I wanted to keep it a secret so if we did get pregnant it would be a huge surprise. But it felt good to finally be open about it, so many people showed me they cared, and it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

caseyw8784 · March 2016

Most of our close friends knew that we've been TTC for a while. We hadn't told either of our families, though, since we wanted to surprise them once we were pregnant, and also cause we knew that they would bombard us with constant questions and demanding updates. Now that we're doing IVF, only about 3 or 4 friends/couples know since we see them constantly and they're smart enough to figure stuff out. The rest of our friends and our family don't know, and we haven't decided on if we will eventually tell them. If it ends up taking longer than we hope, maybe...

LizzieJ13 · March 2016

I go between wanting to share and wanting to keep it private. I really want to talk about it sometimes! At the same time, particularly with my family, I'm nervous to say anything because I don't want it to hang over every interaction. Also, I feel like if they knew, I'd have a hard time keeping it together around them and my 2 baby nieces. I'm sure they will start to guess soon though, if I don't get pregnant in the next few months. It's no secret that both DH and I have always wanted (many) children.

We recently had to tell my in-laws and my sister-in-law because we were unable to travel for Easter due to a ultrasound appointment. (Which, sidenote, turns out was totally unnecessary anyway, since for some reason this cycle I didn't respond to Letrozole like I usually do!

Going for another u/s tomorrow to see if there's been any progression.) DH just told them the basics: that we are having trouble conceiving and had an appointment that we couldn't change.

Other than that, I have told 3 friends. Two of them are my closest friends and I really needed someone to talk to. They are both expecting right now, due later this spring, so I haven't spoken with them about it as much lately. Another is a friend who was TTC for 4 months and expressed her frustration to me. Although to me 4 months is not that long, it was frustrating/scary to her, so I tried to be helpful in sharing some of my own experiences and encouraging her to see a specialist if she thought there might be a problem. (She is 35 and concerned about her age & TTC.)

I agree that it is hard to hear the responses. FIL told DH to "just relax" (GRRRRR) and I heard "Well, you can always adopt" from a friend. What I really want is for someone to say, "It really sucks that you may never have a child. I'm so sorry." This experience has definitely taught me that I don't always have to console or offer solutions to what friends are going through. A simple "I'm so sorry" and a willingness to listen and ask questions goes SO far.

chicandbubbly · March 2016

For me it really helps to talk about things so I have been pretty open about it. So it all depends on you and your husband and how you personally feel about people knowing. My entire bible study group knows, our close friends and family. Just beware that you may not get the reaction you want some people. I told one of my dearest college friends and she literally has not asked me once since how everything is going. (That was in November). So beware that your friendships may change after sharing something so personal. I have found many people in our lives that are really supportive though and it has been wonderful having people to talk to even if it is just for prayer or venting.

AandDM2014 · March 2016

We originally wanted to surprise our parents with a pregnancy announcement, but a few months after we started trying we went on a 1.5 week camping vacation with my parents, and it was kinda obvious with regards to having to have sex. So we ended up facetiming with DHs parents to let them know that we were trying for a baby. Shortly after we got back from that vacation I decided to email my OB/GYN about taking Clomid as I knew I hadn't ovulated, and he said he couldn't and referred me to an RE. I started blogging about it almost right away, because I knew only one other person who struggled, so I wanted to help educate my family and friends as to what was going on. I'm a relatively open person to begin with, so it wasn't hard to make the leap to telling everyone about our infertility journey. Even the bad, like when I got pregnant but it was ectopic so I had to have a medically induced miscarriage. It was hard to share the bad, but helpful to have the support.

mtpbadger · March 2016

Only a few people know we are dealing with IF - my parents, two coworkers (one who struggled with IF for 10+ years and just went through IVF), one of my cousins and a close friend from college. I wasn't planning on telling any other family besides my parents, but my cousin confided in me that she has been diagnosed with PCOS and I let her know I had as well and what I had been dealing with. I think it is good to be open with her so if she ends up struggling whenever she decides its time to conceive, she knows she isn't alone and can come to me with any questions. My sister will most likely be informed next week since she is coming to stay with us for a few days and all my meds are just chilling in the fridge, lol.

We decided not to share anything with DH's parents or family because they are known for inappropriate comments. When we had just gotten engaged I got, in a baby voice from my future MIL "Are you ready to be a mommy?" And she has voiced her opinion about birth control and other treatments based on her religious beliefs, completely unprovoked and unrelated to us but we decided we didn't want to hear about how God will bless us with children when He is ready. She also asked my sister upon the first time meeting her at my wedding shower if and when she was planning on having kids. My BIL had asked us when we were going to have children and eventually my DH told him that he should never ask couples that question because it is not appropriate and then asked him how his sex life was going and that shut him up.

I told my DH that I support him and even encourage him to be open with some of his close friends if he wants (even to just complain about me, lol!), only for him to have some additional support other than just me because I know I'm not the easiest to deal with at times through this process. As of right now he said he doesn't feel comfortable with that and would only say something if it came up naturally in a conversation, which with guys I'm guessing never will.

Angelic789 · April 2016

Hello! I should say I feel nothing weird about telling people about my previous struggling. But this might also be so because our fertility journey is already behind. And that we can breathe in freely now. From the very beginning I could talk about the matters only to my family members and two very close friends of mine. Also people on forums as this could be done almost anonymously as far as you'd like to make a real acquaintance. So probably this depends very much on what character we have and what stage of treatment we are in, definitely.
Take care x

GarnerWife · April 2016

It took us a long time to tell anyone. The first year we were TTC only my closest girlfriend knew, we really wanted to suprise our friends and family with a pregnancy announcement. After being referred to an RE and finding out we may have a long road ahead of us we decided to tell our closest friends and my family.

We felt like we had withdrawn a bit from our friends and were making excuses not to join in on vacations, nights out and parties like we used to. We had some really bad news on New Year's Eve and again on my birthday and I wanted our friends to just know that if we're not ourselves there's a reason. We sent an email explaining what was going on and it was the best decision. We got so much support and well wishes, it's a very close group of friends and it's nice to be able to talk about it a bit. I don't get into too many details, none of them have gone through this and they all had children easily but it's nice to not feel so alone with what is happening.

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