Moving away from family to help MIL take care of DH's grandmother who has dementia? Advice?

Re: Moving away from family to help MIL take care of DH's grandmother who has dementia? Advice?

• alileecam member

  March 2016

  No experience with this myself since having a child, but I have a friend who has three children age 4 and under and her family is close by, and she has leaned on them a lot. Her husband decided, quite out of the blue, to take a job very far away and it's ripping their marriage apart. I would just say you need to be totally up front and honest with your husband and make sure that you have a voice in the final decision. Let him know your concerns and try to make it so you two make this important decision together, or find some compromise that works for your family (you, him and your child).

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• crdo member

  March 2016

  I have quite a lot of experience with several family members and Alzheimer's care. Bottom line: it's hard. You have my empathy.
  
  My father's mother was diagnosed before the eventual death of her husband (who also suffered from Alzheimer's). After my grandfather's passing, my parents moved my grandmother across the country into their home, and attempted to care for her themselves. Long story short, it just didn't work. They realized they could not continue to work full time and be the primary caregivers of my grandmother. The best solution was to move grandmother to her own home and to have 24/7 trained home health caregivers with her.
  
  Is a home health type of situation a solution your MIL has already explored, or is it a possibility? Granted, it is costly depending on one's insurance coverage, and my parents could not have covered those costs alone. However, your MIL working and caring for her, as well as you moving across the country just after welcoming a new baby to work and care for a dementia patient sounds daunting.
  
  Anyway, in your case, I imagine it will be hard for your family to hear you've decided to move. As you said, I would emphasize you're helping your MIL, and explore ways to still be connected--video chats, etc. if physical travel isn't a good option.
  

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• Diesel615 member

  March 2016

  My H is military and we had to move to El Paso, TX for 2 years, and that was really hard for me to begin with. However, once I stopped pitying myself about being so far from my family in MD (I'd never moved out of state either) I really learned to love it. I stepped out of my comfort zone and met AMAZING people and was able to find my passion working at a Zoo. Now granted, I didn't have a child, and I'm sure that would have made a pretty significant difference being away from any and all family. However, you may have to learn to embrace his family and get help from them with your baby. We're back in MD now, but I wouldn't trade my experience living far away from home at all. It really helped me grow. Just be ready and willing to meet new people and experience new things. It's going to be hard for your family, but you can always figure out visiting and stuff. As hard as it is for you to be away from your family, think of how hard it probably was for your H to leave his family.  

   
  

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• kbequette08 member

  March 2016

  My Mother in law has a cousin who comes over a few times a week and takes care of her and watches her mom while she works but she also has her own job. Familiarity is the best thing for my DH's grandmother right now because she can get very confused a lot. We wouldn't be moving in with them or anything, but my DH wants us to at least move down there so we can drive up if need be to help. I'm never good with change and I'm worried I'll feel so out of place down there.

  
  

  
  

  

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• ahernandez16 member

  March 2016 edited March 2016

  No experience, but before I got pregnant H and I were going to move about 800 miles away to Boise, Idaho to be closer to his mom and sisters. I was 100% on board because the area is beautiful, H didn't get to really have much to do with his mom and sisters as a kid because of some custody issues and a controlling stepmother and we were young and without children, I was about to graduate and we could basically do whatever we wanted.

  
  He still wants to move but I've kind of pushed the conversation off the table for a few years. My whole family lives within 15 miles of me and although they can be kind of overwhelming I can't see myself leaving and my son not growing up around them. My MIL and SILs are great but even if we moved, we'd be an hour away from them and truthfully, neither myself or H know them THAT well.
  
  We actually talked about it last night because we're starting to look to buy a house and that means we probably won't move for at least 5 years. I told H that my main priority is our marriage. It always has been and it always will be and I think moving to a new city, having to find new jobs and having a new baby would just be too much all at once.
  
  Your situation is obviously different. Ours is a "just to move" situation and yours is for a reason. I would say the main thing is you need to identify what is most important to you and your H. There will likely have to be give and take on both of your ends. You likely won't end up being 100% on board but you shouldn't feel as you do right now. I'd just have an honest discussion with him and let him know how you're feeling and see what he thinks also. He's moving to take on helping care of an ailing grandmother on top of having a baby. He might be just as apprehensive as you are but eager to please his mother. If that's the case, then maybe there's an alternative such as you guys helping pay for some in home care occasionally to relieve your MIL once in a while.
  
  I hope it all works out one way or another for you guys!

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• PBear93 member

  March 2016

  When I was pregnant with my daughter we moved 800 miles away from my family and 1000 miles from my husband's (they were about 200 miles away to begin with). We had only been married a few months when I got pregnant and we had not been planning on having kids that soon.  We knew when we got married that we would be moving out of state in the next 6-8 months as hubby was finishing his PhD and no one in Ohio really did what he went to school for.  So after H went on a few job interviews in different states, we moved out near Chicago.  It was really, REALLY hard, especially the first few years--I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had really bad PPD for about 2 years and it took us over a year to find a church we loved.  Our first year out here we drove back to Ohio 5 times (Thanksgiving, Christmas, 2 funerals, and a wedding), twice the second year (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and now we just drive out once a year for Thanksgiving (and we alternate spending it with my family and my husband's).  So we don't see our families too much--we Skype a lot though, and that helps.  Our daughter recognizes all of her grandparents and Aunts/Uncles.  My parents drive out here a few times a year (my mom grew up in a family that took major road trips out west every summer and my Dad's family lives in upstate NY and they drive up there at least once a year, so they are used to longer trips).  My FIL has been out here twice and my MIL as well (they are divorced)--they fly when they visit--they tend to not travel much.  Driving the 3 hours to visit us before we moved was almost too much of a drive for them.
  My FIL moved to Hawaii in September (my husband's middle brother has lived there for about 10 years now) so we won't be seeing him very often now.  My MIL thinks vaccines are evil and refuses to get a TDaP so H and I agree that she cannot see the new baby until he/she has had her 6 month shots (we had the same rule when our daughter was born too)--so that changes how much we probably would have seen her otherwise.
  
  If you do move, find a local mom's group or MOPS group to get you out of the house and making new friends (I found my mom's group on meetup.com).  We take turns watching the kids so we can have date nights and they have been a good resource for finding sitters.  It probably won't be easy, but it could be very worth it.
  Also remember that your husband moved that far away from his family for you, so he will know what you are going through by moving far away from yours.
  
  I also wanted to add that your MIL could look into home nurses to help take care of her mom.  A lot of times insurance will cover at least a few hours a week of help.  Also look into county services--they are under different things different places, but I know when my grandfather's dementia was bad they were able to get a nurse for a few hours twice a week through a county service for the elderly.

  
  
   

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• Boonhilde member

  March 2016

  It sounds to me that one of your families is going to be gipped and not able to spend more time with your baby either way. 
  
  Do either of you have a job in NM? That'd be my first concern. Are you leaving a good job for a big question mark? Why the freaking fracking frack are his other two sisters incapable mentally? Is this legit mental illness or immaturity? If it's the latter then this is a great opportunity for them to grow up. If it's the first then I totally understand. 
  
  DO NOT worry about what your parents and siblings will think. Worry only about what you and your hubs need to do. I know it's terrifying and no fun at all to move away from family, but it might be fun to have a temporary change. Is there any way she could move in with you? 

  
  
  

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• nightwitch member

  March 2016

  I moved my step father, who has Alzehiemers, and my mom,  who has debilitating memory issues due to a 30 year old self-induced brain injury from a post partum psychosis inspired suicide attempt into our home last year. It is hard. And they're not even "bad" yet. When they get to the stage of what it sounds like your grandma in law is at,  I will need to get some in home care for them. 
  
  I do not think this move is a good idea, and I think you know that. Not only will you have no support network, your husband, who will truly be your only reliable support, will be dividing his time between his family (you and the kid) and his mother's need for help with her mother. You will be so angry when he chooses her over your needs. He will be put in impossible situations. Tell his mom to contact the MANY support networks that are out there for Alzehiemers sufferers and care givers. There are many resources for problems like your MIL is having. There will be very few for you. 

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• kbequette08 member

  March 2016

  Boonhilde said:

  It sounds to me that one of your families is going to be gipped and not able to spend more time with your baby either way. 
  
  Do either of you have a job in NM? That'd be my first concern. Are you leaving a good job for a big question mark? Why the freaking fracking frack are his other two sisters incapable mentally? Is this legit mental illness or immaturity? If it's the latter then this is a great opportunity for them to grow up. If it's the first then I totally understand. 
  
  DO NOT worry about what your parents and siblings will think. Worry only about what you and your hubs need to do. I know it's terrifying and no fun at all to move away from family, but it might be fun to have a temporary change. Is there any way she could move in with you? 

  
  It's his mom's sisters. One of them is bipolar very badly and the other one starts to have memory lapses. The bipolar one is very unstable and pretty much hates my MIL and the other one lives in Washington State and is a flight attendant and said she isn't capable of helping with her mom because of how she is doing lately. The bipolar one refuses to get on medicine and it literally is wrecking my MIL emotionally being around her. We were down there at Christmas and her sister was cordial while we were there at least and that eased my MIL a bit since we were there.  I am the only one working right now because my husband is having such a hard time finding a job right now here. He said he knows tons of people down there who would find him a job so I'm not worried about that.  It's just a big change for a small town girl like me who's never lived anywhere else before.

  
  

  
  

  

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• wbwells member

  March 2016

  I guess I'll be in the minority here unless I've misunderstood others responses.  Why do you get to raise the baby around your family and not his?  You can bond with family not being right around the corner- we're 7000 miles away in Kuwait, and ALL our family is spread out over the US, so our baby won't even meet family until he's 6 months old and we can fly home.  I'm not worried about bonding or recognizing family though, it's why we have skype and facetime.  His mother is going to get burned out taking care of her mom, trust me I watched it happen to my dad's step-father when my dad's mom died from Alzheimers.  It will be hugely beneficial to the mental and overall wellbeing of his mom if you can go help.  If he can get a job there, that's one burden lifted.  You know you'll have a paycheck that will provide a roof over your head and food.  I get it's hard moving away from the one spot you've known your whole life, but if you move with a negative attitude you'll never adjust.  Trust me when I tell you moving from NC for the past 10 years to Kuwait was NOT on my list of things I wanted to do, but when I dropped the crappy attitude and the 'woe is me I miss my family' life in Kuwait got SO much better.  I talk more with my family and friends now than I did living 2 miles from my parents and 4 miles from his parents.  One thought I have is to ask him what his plans are once his grandmother dies.  Does he plan on staying in NM for the rest of his life?  Or would he be willing to move elsewhere if you aren't happy there.  Is he happy in NC?  Even though you have your family, maybe he's not happy being in a state surrounded by your family but not his with no job.  

  Also apologies if I came across like a huge bitch.  I'm not trying to.  I just know for me, sometimes having someone point out the opposite side of what I'm thinking helps me realize things I hadn't been thinking about before.  

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• kbequette08 member

  March 2016

  @wbwells you hit the nail right on the head. I needed that. I guess I've never liked change all that much. My husband said he's never really been happy here and our first 2 years of marriage were a real struggle financially. I don't know if he'll want to stay there after his grandmother passes away he's always had itchy feet and wants to live many different places. I guess I just feel his mom right now can afford to visit and has visited us while my parents aren't made of money and haven't ever flown out of state before. My husband has no siblings just his mom and grandmother and his aunts and uncles live in NM, well majority of them anyway. I mean don't get me wrong I've always wanted to see new places but not really live anywhere else. I just feel really bad because my brother, SIL, and sister wont get to see their nephew grow up.

  
  

  
  

  

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• alysemci member

  March 2016

  Im very close with my family and they all
  live in the surrounding towns around and in my town. I loved moving out of state and learned a lot about myself in that time. It's tough because of the baby timing but the unfortunate prognosis of Alzheimer's means even if you move temporarily it won't be for long because life expectancy is very short. If you do move to help and you end up hating it you could come back 
  

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