mental health and checking the boards

catiecatp · March 2016

I posted something similar in another thread (the TGIF board - if you're interested in some great responses that I've already received). I'm really struggling today - still (this weekend was hard - AF came with a short LP). I feel like most days I'm pretty recovered emotionally from the MC but this weekend I wasn't and today I'm not - and I guess that is normal (my MC was around Christmas) but I want to be emotionally better. And by not better - I mean crying at work which isn't great when I then have to give a lecture in front of people (one class has 9 students, the other has upwards of 70). This AF in particular seems to be a strong visual and physical reminder (cramps are quite strong this go round).

I'm wondering if these boards, while filled with wonderful women, are perhaps not helping as much as I thought - or maybe they're keeping me from moving on? Do y'all feel a difference on days that you don't check in? I feel like I may step away for a week and see how it goes. But then I feel like I'll get behind on the threads (I'm a bit obsessive about reading all of the new posts). Or maybe I need to just set limits for myself - I have a get-s&$t done job so I make time to check several times a day... maybe I need to limit myself to check just once a day? How do y'all manage your board time? Do you check multiple boards or just TTCAL?

Kay6519 · March 2016

I visit multiple boards. Sometimes when I notice (or DH points out) that I am starting to be too emotional / depressed / stressed, I will either limit myself to just half an hour per day of online time between FB, TB, etc.. Or I may take a break from it entirely for a week or so depending on where I am at. Or maybe just avoid one board in particular for a few days (for example: During a week with tons of drive-bys or lots of 1-2 months TTC BFPs on the TTGP board, I may take a break from that board until I can better handle it all.)

Some days the Bump is a huge support, and I feel like I would go crazy without being able to read through the posts and chat. Other days it just depresses me more.

MamaCoffin · March 2016

I've definitely had to step away from ttcal much more recently and I buy my time over on ttgp mostly in the tww. Fortunately for me the bfps are encouraging. The threads about loss take me back to a bad place.

I think it's all fair. There's no timeline to grief. It's been 20 years since I lost my grandmother and I still have days where it brings me down. This month especially. Her birthday was March 31st. It's just one of those things. Pain comes and goes.

I will say I definitely notice a fluctuation depending on where I am in my cycle (about ttc particularly). While wto and then tww I'm super pumped and positive that I'm doing the right thing. Then the few days leading up to AF I get this sinking feeling that I'm making a terrible mistake and I'm not supposed to have any more children. Then the hormones balance out and we start back over. It's CD1 for me and I'm definitely feeling low. But I know in a couple more days ttc will be my biggest focus.

I know that strayed slightly from your original question but it's something I've been thinking about a lot.

roper2617 · March 2016

I have days where I finally feel like "my old self" and days when all I feel is deep, heavy hearted, pit of stomach, overwhelming sadness. I find that unplugging from all social media outlets for periods of time, especially when I'm struggling more so than usual, to be a saviour. And I word for word echo what @Kay6519 said, some days it's my sanity, other days it can be triggering.

I would unplug for a few days and see what happens. If it's more difficult without then come back, if it's a little easier without as much interaction then keep on with less interaction.

I only check TTCAL board after switching from MC&loss board. I've lurked in TTGP but I feel frustrated and like I can't really relate sometimes, so I decided to stay away.

Sending you lots of creepy internet love and I hope that you're able to find something to help you through this rough patch.

queenklau · March 2016

Hi @catiecatp , you are not alone in your feelings. Certain comments can sometimes trigger different feeling, wether positive or negative and depending on the emotional state of the reader. As other posters have said, journey after mc is a roller coaster and sometimes you think you are OK and others you crumble out of nowhere. You have had a recent loss (Dec), although it may feel like it has been a while, so it is quite normal to feel uneasy at times about some of these discussions.
I agree with your suggestion to unplug and see how it feels. I did it for a few weeks in Dec while my family was visiting, I was distracted, happy and it helped me not to think about ttc-esp since I was benched. Come January, I felt emotionally ready to join again. I actively participate in the TTCAL, although I am not as responsive to everybody as some of these ladies. Wheeph, sometimes I can't keep up, and I think that's OK! I also lurk in the PGAL, but that's it.

MooFish2364 · March 2016

While I enjoy the support here and like hearing about everyone's experiences it's hard for me to hear about multiple losses. Not only do I feel terrible for you women who have had to go through multiple losses - it scares me to death that I will also have multiple losses. But seeing people get BFPs makes me feel hope for my future.

Ive noticed my grief comes and goes. I've been pretty good for the last few weeks and then last night I totally broke down. Everything in my life feels likes its up in the air and I just want to feel settled.

I do do find that if I'm feeling down that it helps me to check in on here. I don't always have as much time to respond as I would like but it's nice to not feel so alone.

silentP · March 2016

Yes, I feel the same way as PPs. It sucks to feel so torn because this is an amazing place to come and get advice, or just not feel so alone. But I find myself not just upset for me, but for you all! I literally get angry and even find myself crying at some stories. Constantly coming back makes me feel like I will always be relegated to a loss board, which I don't actually think is true.

My last loss was in November and I have been feeling a lot better, yet lately, I find myself going in the opposite direction. Maybe try giving it a break like you said and see how you feel. We would miss you! But of course you need to do what is good for you.

housewifehobbyist · March 2016

For me, the cause and effect is reversed. I start coming on more often when I'm feeling really depressed and emotional about my losses because you wonderful ladies make me feel less crazy and alone in my fears and grieving. But I think it's important to be aware of your triggers as well, and if reading loss stories on boards is one then you should limit your time of course.

I am also quite convinced I had some version of postpartum depression after my December loss. I have a history of depression that has been well treated with CBT over the past decade, but the flood of hormones brought it back, and badly. Vitamin D supplements, forcing myself to exercise, and knowing that there was a light at the end of the tunnel when my hormones regulated got me through it. But knowing that I wasn't completely nuts for mourning a pregnancy that lasted a week and the amazing support that I got on The Bump was such a lifesaver at the time as well, and really encourages me to make a point to support other women in their low points.

beff12 · March 2016

@catiecatp, it's totally understandable if you need to step away for a while. I did over the weekend/yesterday - AF came and I was pretty busy anyways, so it was a good chance for a break. I also took a fb break a couple weeks ago and that did wonders for me. Social media is hard because you only see the good parts of people's lives (moreso on fb than here, of course) and I often feel like I don't measure up. Taking a break snaps me back in to reality and I realize things aren't as bad as they seem.

I check in here once or twice a day, and TTGP as well. I have realized that if I spend too much time on either board or fb or instagram or whatever that I'm more likely to feel sad and begin worrying. All in all, I'd say that TB helps me more than anything, but there can be too much of a good thing!

@jenmlangtake2, I hit love on your post because I feel 100% the same way. During the ttc week and the beginning part of the TWW, I'm like, "woooo let's be pregnant! This is awesome!" and then when I realize that I actually COULD be pregnant, I kinda lose it. This is tough!

fivetimesnoluck · March 2016

@catiecatp It's so interesting to me that you recently posted this question because I have been wondering the same thing - does it do me good or add to the anxiety? I had never really participated on any Bump message boards before now. I lurked and dipped a toe in on the BMBs for my first two pregnancies and then avoided them with my following pregnancies.

I find comfort (and also sadness) that there are so many people who do understand and have shared similar experiences. But other times, it makes me feel like getting KU is my job and only mission and I have tried hard to fight that since IF/RPL became such a part of my life. Of course it is a significant factor, but it is not who I am, you know? And, I don't want to dwell. How much attention paid to the subject equates to "dwelling" though? I don't know yet.

I recently took a break because I had a few days off, and I do tend to check more if I am sitting at my desk than if I am at home or on mobile. It was nice. I peeked in at a couple of points in time, but didn't engage in much. Depending on how you participate, social media accounts of all kinds can begin to feel like an obligation, so I try to maintain an arm's length approach.

Once we are actively TTC again, I am not sure how much I will participate. I don't want to add any more BSC to my own healthy supply, but I find the support here to be truly meaningful.

All this means is that you have to do what's best for you, and it's different for all of us. I don't think it's far fetched to feel like this community can both add to, and take away some of the stresses related to our situation(s). So, find your balance and we (maybe not me, but someone) will always be here.

dpjennifer · March 2016

I agree with PP that sometimes this board is immensely helpful in advice and making me feel like I’m not going crazy. Other days, it seems to depress me some. But I think it’s like life post-MC. Some days are really good, and some are not as good. So sometimes I’m very active on here and read everything and join in, and other times I just step away for several days or lurk for a few days before posting again.

Do what you need to do. Honestly, if you’re feeling bummed out maybe give it a few days or a week and step away. You can always come back and post when you’re feeling better!

I am also one of those who found this board very helpful closer to my MC, but as the months have gone by and I’m still here, it’s been taking its toll on me (especially around the time of AF and CD 1-5).

MWoodside · March 2016

Yes, I have to spend time off the boards a lot. Sometimes months. They don't mecessarily bring up emotions for me at this point, but I sometimes find them... Stagnating me? I don't know if that's the word I want.

catiecatp · March 2016

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies - I've read each one and am trying to limit how much I come on the boards - the goal is once a day, we'll see how that goes - which means no individual reply but I'm sure y'all understand.

cooaladoll · March 2016

If there's anything this group of women is, it's understanding

Interesting timing of this post for me since I recently have been cutting back my TB time as well. I did it originally with Facebook, but then realized without that social outlet I was spending more time here, and as you mention, I think it was holding me back some in the grieving closure department (not that it's ever fully closed), despite everyone's wonderful support and advice. I was always thinking about sad things. For me limiting viewing/replying to every few days or so now does do my psyche a bit better. As PP's have said, do what you feel will keep you healthy and sane.

CoonMom · March 2016

I've been cutting back on TB. I haven't checked the TWW in days. While I'm happy/excited for all the BFPs lately they have been lucky ones who haven't tried very long. They are just too painful. I've only been posting in WTO every few days as well. I don't know if I will participate when I get to my TWW. I feel I need to (just in case I get my BFP I'd want to share) but It's so hard. We'll see how I'm doing in a week.

amberruka · March 2016

I can usually only check TB Fri-Sun, which I think helps. By Sunday afternoon I kinda feel like I'm OD'ing on it--mostly MC and TTCAL, TTC 35+ because it seems y'all understand better. Personally I don't look at TTGP because I just don't feel like that starry-eyed person any more. That said, I'm forever grateful to you ladies.

lindsebert · March 2016

FWIW, I had been a very active member of TTCAL a while back. It was the only board that I checked, but I was very vested in my new friends and to keep up with the happenings of the board. That said, after my 3rd loss, I was in a very low place. Despite all of the encouragement and support that I was receiving from the group, I just didn't feel like I was coping well with the loss and the board together. I took a Bump Break, worked on myself emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. We just recently switched to a new RE and I finally felt like I was in a better place. So I made my way back to this great community.

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

@catiecatp An internet break is always a good idea, I hope you can get back to better place

@jenmlangtake2 I absolutely agree, grief is a funny thing. It'll go and then come back, maybe even stronger than before. It's something we all have to take in stride and deal with when it happens. I lost my dad several years ago, and every once in awhile I need a good cry about it. Those feelings and experiences never leave you, and grief is the proof of that. That's what I think anyways.

@amberruka When I first joined TB, I tried TTGP too. I just can't stand it from where I am in my own journey. Those lucky ladies have not experienced what we all have gone through, and I'm not here to talk about The Bachelor, I'm here to talk about what I can't talk about with real people!

klauerinaking said: Hi @catiecatp , you are not alone in your feelings. Certain comments can sometimes trigger different feeling, wether positive or negative and depending on the emotional state of the reader. As other posters have said, journey after mc is a roller coaster and sometimes you think you are OK and others you crumble out of nowhere. ^^This...yes, it's a horrible, twisted ride.

chloe97 · March 2016

Hi all. Though I got my BFP 3 weeks ago, I've been lurking this board and now it looks like I'm coming back. I'm in limbo land after losing all symptoms, a not so great first u/s, and an even worse 3rd beta. Waiting for numbers today to hopefully give me some sort of final answer.

I just want to say that I completely agree that obsessively checking this board may not be the best for mental health. When my temp not rising sends me into a downward spiral of depression, I knew I was TTC obssessed. I'm not sure focusing so hard on TTC is good for anyone's mental health, and if anything these boards encourage TTC obsession.

Assuming that I miscarry again, I'm going to be benched for awhile because I will start RPL testing. I've found that TTC and TB has been my main hobby the last 7 months and I know that I'm going to have to take a break from both and find something else to focus on. If anyone has ideas, I would greatly welcome them! I'm not crafty at all, so that's always limited the hobbies that I could pick up.

Some days when I think I'm out of control, I delete the TB app off my phone. I end up adding it back at some point the next few days, but that certainly helps.

catiecatp · March 2016

@chloe97 - oh goodness - hugs and love - other than that, words fail me

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

@chloe97 No! Oh, I'm so sorry to see you back here! I pray that everything works out.

chloe97 · March 2016

Thanks @catiecatp and @DinosaurJumper. I got the bloodwork back and my HCG level only went up 100. Now I'm waiting to miscarry. We're pretty devastated. Though I never really felt pregnant besides for slight nausea and fatigue the first few days. The signs were all pretty much there from the beginning. It's just so disheartening to have to start from the drawing board. It looks like with RPL testing we'll be benched 3 months.

loveinak · March 2016

@chloe97 My heart is hurting for you. I'm so sorry

mylittleversailles · March 2016

Oh @chloe97I'm so sorry. My deepest condolences. I hope there is relief for you in the future.

To answer your question about hobbies that aren't crafty because I know how hard it can be to pass the time - you could pick a particularly prolific auteur director and watch all their movies in order of production. Woody Allen springs to mind because there are more than fifty, but your choice is up to your taste in film! Maybe join, or start, a book club. It can be virtual or in person. Learn a new language or tell yourself you're going to and see how far you can get. Take a class at a local community centre, like cake decorating or Zumba. I know you're not personally crafty, but there's always paint by numbers which allows you to turn off your brain and just fill in the little boxes. You could start an indoor herb garden. Volunteer at the library or local animal shelter. You like sports, iirc, so maybe join a softball team or whatever is around and interests you!

Whatever you do, please, please take care of yourself.

And to answer the original question - I personally find the boards here much more helpful than harmful or I wouldn't participate. It does not encourage any obsession on my part, but rather helps me express things I can't talk to anyone else about comfortably (and I can talk about anything) because I know they simply cannot relate. My life is very full and this is a part of that now, which I am grateful for.

cooaladoll · March 2016

@chloe97 I'm so so sorry!

rosenyc123 · March 2016

@chloe97 I think I announced my BFP the same day you did. My betas didn't rise appropriately, and I lost the pregnancy on vacation a few days later. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not alone.

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