How is everyone this week? Check-in 3/21

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

How are you all doing today? Any questions or anything we can help you with?

GTKY: what is your spirit animal?

RiverSong15 · March 2016

Shitty is the short answer to this question. I just found out today that I'm going to MC again. I don't have the energy to type it all out again, but I should have been 7+2, and my ultrasound showed 6 weeks. There is no way in hell I was that far off on dates, and the nurse was not hopeful. This makes 2 losses in 3 months, and that just seems excessively cruel to get pregnant so quickly and keep losing babies. That's a lot of heartache crammed into a short period of time. (ETA: loss is excessively cruel no matter how long it's been... I'm just bitter tonight)

Im just waiting for the inevitable at this point and trying to decide what to do in case things don't get a move on. They are taking betas today and Wednesday, mostly because I wanted to see what my levels are and how quickly (or if) they are dropping on their own while I weigh my options.

The cherry on top of everything is that my MIL is here for two weeks and we had to tell her about both MCs because I broke down crying tonight. She means well, but has said some unintentionally insensitive things, including "I'll be your surrogate". Ugh. Plus, she is pushing H to be "strong" and "grieve quickly to support" me, and that is the last thing I want H doing. He takes on too many people's troubles and bottles his feelings. I have the boards on TB to reach out to, but he has no one else but me and I worry about him. I told him not to fucking listen to his mother, but we'll see.

Sorry to start everyone out on a Debbie Downer note this week. This just all sucks and I hate that we are all here.

ETA: question - any advice about a D&E (I think... It wouldn't be a D&C, but rather the suction procedure) would be greatly appreciated. I can't decide whether to wait this out or get it over with, and I've decided against cytotec.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

@RiverSong15 sounds like we have the same mother in law. I would book her a hotel room stat. I'm sorry for your loss ((hugs)).

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm so sorry! It is so unfair to have to go through recurrent miscarriages. My mom said the same thing, about being a surrogate for me. She meant well but holy hell did that hurt. First she said it when we were having trouble conceiving after my first loss (over a year later we still hadn't conceived) and then she said it again the day we found out our second LO had died. I finally told her how shitty that felt to hear that from her, like she was saying we couldn't do this on our own. What I really wanted to tell her was by saying that, she was pointing out that she is better at being pregnant than me - thanks Mom. So insensitive! I'm sorry you are dealing with this!

I don't have experience with a D&E but if you search this board you will find some stories from women who have gone through it.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

Well I think I'm FINALLY done misscarrying. I'm down to panty liners and spotting. I will know for certain after this afternoon's appointment. So, physically, I'm doing much better.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I have been having daily panic attacks and horrible anxiety and just completely ready to crawl out of my skin. I saw my PCP for it and he put me on prozac and said we can even up it later. The nurse said my blood pressure was high (and it is usually normal to low ) and I think it's because I've been a walking panic attack.

Hopefully, the prozac will kick in soon.

My PCP was very compassionate (I've seen him for years) and offered to refer us to a high risk doc for RPL testing if we wanted to look into the losses. I can't open that box right now but I'm considering it after my break.

@AL_TwinCities I laughed at the question this week. I'm going to go with a horse.

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I'm so relieved for you that the physical part seems to be over. I hope the anxiety can be managed with the medication - I'm sorry you've been experiencing such emotional stress.

I am undergoing IF testing and that is helping keep my mind off of my losses. My first LO's EDD is a month from today, and it makes me so sad that I could have a one year old!

My spirit animal is a wolf. They are strong and fiercely loyal to their pack. Plus I think they are just gorgeous!

Kirchetta · March 2016

Hello all.

I have been lurking on this board for a while, but feel compelled to post today, as today is the day my husband and I will bury our baby. I miscarried our first pregnancy last Sunday-Monday (3/13-3/14), and the bleeding stopped on Thursday (3/17). This was only a week after we saw the heartbeat for the first time and were told that everything was "progressing beautifully". I am crushed, and I can't imagine how things could have gone from "progressing beautifully" to not viable in just a week. This baby was a happy surprise during our battle with infertility, and while I am grateful for the knowledge that I can get pregnant, I am grieving this loss terribly. I feel broken, lost, empty, and ANGRY. I just keep asking myself "Why me?" My husband and I are good people...I know the statistics and the odds, and I know that miscarriage doesn't discriminate this way, but it still isn't fair. We are so ready for a baby, and I feel eager to try again, but I'm also terribly scared and full of anxiety that it will happen a second time. Again, I know the statistics are in my favor...But that doesn't lessen the anxiety.

Returning to the reason for my post...

We are going to bury our baby next to our wedding tree, which we planted on our wedding day four years ago. It seems like a fitting place for our baby to rest until we can finally hold him or her someday. Every day as I watch our tree grow, I can think of the tiny life we created as a result of our love.

I am sorry that any of us have to be here. I welcome your support, and I will do my best to reciprocate.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

@RiverSong15 I am so sorry for your losses. As for your question on d&e, one thing I've noticed is that it seems like d&c is also used to refer to the procedure where suction is done. At least mine was called a d&c, but the doctor described that she would use suction and then maybe a little scraping at the end. For me the procedure was initially easy, physically, although I had retained tissue and ended up needing to do cytotec afterwards (although I don't think it was nearly as painful as it would have been without the d&c first, just from reading what others have written here about their experiences with cytotec). I discovered my loss at 11w and it looked like growth stopped several weeks beforehand, so waiting for natural miscarriage was not something I could wrap my head around. Please feel free to ask questions about my experience if it might help you.

And wtf with offering to be your surrogate? I cannot believe that people think that might be helpful.

@iceandsnowflakes29 I am glad it looks like you are finally done, physically, but so sorry for how you are feeling. I don't know if I've seen anyone use that "crawl out of my skin" language about this experience, but that is exactly how I have been feeling.

@AL_TwinCities I love that wolf! And I hope you find IF testing helpful, and extra hugs as the EDD approaches.

@Kirchetta sorry for your loss. Your story about the wedding tree and burying your baby is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. And I hear you about being grateful for the knowledge that you can get pregnant (although would like to punch all the people who've said it to me) but still being so devastated by this loss. We have MFI and I had wondered if maybe we had something else that we would later discover, so what a relief to actually get a BFP, but what a horrible experience to lose the baby.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

I am...not doing well. We found out over the weekend that my dog most likely has bone cancer (and if it's not that, it's probably another kind of cancer with metastases in her leg). We found out on Saturday, and since then I have been alternating between kind of holding it together (can't talk about her without crying, though) and just reliving every terrible moment from the past two months--finding out there was no more hb, having the IV put in before my d&c, waking up crying in the recovery room, crying in the shower, taking the cytotec, all up until hearing from our vet that it doesn't look good for our furbaby. I feel like the weight of these losses and the knowledge of what's to come as we figure out how and when to say goodbye to our girl are crushing me. We started 2016 as a family of 4, and pretty soon we'll be down to 2. And I love DH so much, but I just wasn't ready for this. I am so sad that our furbaby will never meet any of our children. I have loved watching her interact with friends' kids.

Plus, it looks like I may finally be getting AF for the first time after my loss. Trying to decide if I want to get going again with IUIs. I had been planning to do so, but now with this new imminent loss I just don't know what to do. I think I will at least go for baseline monitoring to see how things look and leave my options open.

My spirit animal right now is my beautiful greyhound.

Spartanrd4 · March 2016

I am feeling okay so far today...I haven't cried in about 4 days so this is an accomplishment! Still spotting after my procedure....it was almost 3 weeks ago so hopefully will end soon. Watching my bbt fall is also encouraging. Looking forward to my next OB appointment to get answers to my questions and a plan moving forward.

Would be 12 weeks now which is hard because I know I would be announcing my pregnancy soon and starting the second tri and now im starting over.

I'm excited to see my parents this weekend for Easter but also nervous because it's the first time I've seen them since the MC.

My spirit animal I think would be cat...im definitely a cat person and I think their personality is similar to mine in a lot of ways.

MooFish2364 · March 2016

@Kirchetta Your tree story was beautiful. What a great way to honor your marriage and remember your beautiful little one. I'm sorry that you are going through this heartache.

@BrightenMySkyI'm so sorry to hear about your pup. I can't imagine the grief that you are feeling on top of everything else. It just doesn't seem fair that so many people get more than their fair share of heartache. I can't imagine if anything happened to my fur baby right now.

luckymamaof5 · March 2016

I am feeling a tad better today. I just found out Saturday that we were having a mc and still pretty upset. I am still bleeding and have some discomfort but not super awful. I am so sorry any of us have to deal with something so heartbreaking.

My spirit animal I think would be an Owl.

Jolenef07 · March 2016

RiverSong15 said:

Shitty is the short answer to this question. I just found out today that I'm going to MC again. I don't have the energy to type it all out again, but I should have been 7+2, and my ultrasound showed 6 weeks. There is no way in hell I was that far off on dates, and the nurse was not hopeful. This makes 2 losses in 3 months, and that just seems excessively cruel to get pregnant so quickly and keep losing babies. That's a lot of heartache crammed into a short period of time. (ETA: loss is excessively cruel no matter how long it's been... I'm just bitter tonight)

Im just waiting for the inevitable at this point and trying to decide what to do in case things don't get a move on. They are taking betas today and Wednesday, mostly because I wanted to see what my levels are and how quickly (or if) they are dropping on their own while I weigh my options.

The cherry on top of everything is that my MIL is here for two weeks and we had to tell her about both MCs because I broke down crying tonight. She means well, but has said some unintentionally insensitive things, including "I'll be your surrogate". Ugh. Plus, she is pushing H to be "strong" and "grieve quickly to support" me, and that is the last thing I want H doing. He takes on too many people's troubles and bottles his feelings. I have the boards on TB to reach out to, but he has no one else but me and I worry about him. I told him not to fucking listen to his mother, but we'll see.

Sorry to start everyone out on a Debbie Downer note this week. This just all sucks and I hate that we are all here.

ETA: question - any advice about a D&E (I think... It wouldn't be a D&C, but rather the suction procedure) would be greatly appreciated. I can't decide whether to wait this out or get it over with, and I've decided against cytotec.

I am in almost the same boat. This sucks! Two loses in 3 months. I had a D&C in December and found it relatively painless and had a quick recovery. Was trying to wait this one out but the waiting is killing me. Scheduling late next week. My doctor highly recommends against cytotec as he said it causes a lot of pain.

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry about your fur baby. That is just heartbreaking! DH said something the other day about the life expectancy of our dogs, and it made me cry just thinking about losing them. Hugs to you!

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

@Jolenef07 yes, I did cytotec last weekend and it was AWFUL. I'm not sure I would do it again.

JDMRS · March 2016

Right now I keep hoping that at my appointment tomorrow they are going to tell me that there was a mistake and my baby has a heartbeat and has grown so much it's now caught up. I want to stop feeling pregnant. I did have a session with my therapist. It was nice to have a place to cry for 45 minutes in the middle of the day without worrying my coworkers could hear me. I am dreading my appointment tomorrow. My regular OB is away for the next 2 weeks, and I wish I was seeing her instead of this doctor.

Jolenef07 · March 2016

Good to know!

Jolenef07 · March 2016

Someone told me today that it was "meant to be". Had to restrain myself from homicidal rage. What the f people?!??! Just express that you are sorry and offer assistance. It's not complicated.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

My ultrasound is all clear and we are benched 3 months.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

@JDMRS I am so sorry. I also hoped that there had been a mistake--I had a d&c and knew that they would do an u/s to confirm before the procedure, so I hoped that I would wake up in recovery and be told that it had all been a mistake and they didn't do the procedure. I also had morning sickness up until the surgery, so I hear you on wanting to not feel pregnant, too. *hugs* Hope your substitute OB is ok.

mandi135 · March 2016

Lots of love to everyone dealing with this.

@iceandsnowflakes29 , I'm glad your u/s was clear so you don't have to go through that again. I hope the panic attacks are under control soon and you start feeling more in control.

I've been doing pretty well, other than a minor over reaction to basketball this weekend where I started sobbing uncontrollably over a loss but not really about the game. I think I confused DH who didn't get my reaction but it was really just an outlet about our loss even though I couldn't articulate that at the time. That was the only really bad breakdown this week though, which I think is a good sign. Last night I started spotting again after nothing for over a week. I'm wondering if maybe I do still have a bit of tissue or something to pass since my hcg numbers were higher than my ob expected at my last blood draw.

My spirit animal is a panda - pretty solitary, likes to eat its weight in veggies, sleep a lot, and is really cuddly.

roxgibbons · March 2016

@AL_TwinCities I hope your IF testing goes well and you get some answers.

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry about your fur baby. Life is so unfair. When you mentioned that you started 2016 as a family of four that really resonated with me. I got mt BFP the first week of January and I remember thinking what a great beginning to the new year. I had so much happiness and hope. My heart goes out to you and again I am so sorry.

@RiverSong15 and @Jolenef07 I am so sorry for your losses. Life is so cruel sometimes and I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing

@Kirchetta and @JDMRS I am so sorry for your losses and @JDMRS I'll be thinking of you today for your appt. Hugs to you.
@iceandsnowflakes29 I am glad the physical part is winding down for you and that your dr prescribed you some meds to help manage your anxiety. This process is so hard but I am very glad you are getting help.

As for me- I'm my new normal. Getting through my day, but with some sadness hanging around. Some days are better some not so much. I notice at night when I am in bed I start really reflecting on everything and that's when I feel the bulk of my sadness. I got my first AF and have started BCPs and am now waiting for my procedures. The first one is in 2 weeks.

I don't know what my spirit animal would be. That's a great question! I'll have to give it some thought.

JDMRS · March 2016

@BrightenMySky Substitute OB was really kind and I really liked her

At my appointment she did u/s and the embryo is still there and it measures the same size as it did last week at my first u/s, and my cervix is closed up tight. She offered medical or surgical (D&E) but suggested not waiting too long if I want to try to complete the miscarriage naturally. She wanted me to get 3 more HCG level checks- today, Friday and Monday, just to be sure that no one is being too hasty-so I got my first draw. She just called- my HCG levels have gone down since Friday at the ER and she encouraged me to think about my options and let her know when I am ready to move ahead. We have decided to go surgical and plan on scheduling the procedure for the middle to end of next week.I am grieving because I still had this little tiny bit of hope that our baby was just waiting to start growing until this weekend. Irrational but this process is anything but rational. On the fence about cancelling Easter- we have family coming this weekend and I just don't think I can do it. I am leaving work soon. I can't be here anymore because I feel like my skin is crawling.

RiverSong15 · March 2016

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. I was feeling better today until I found out that I'm actually Rh negative, and my OB didn't test my blood type after my first MC. H is Rh positive and now I am freaking out that I didn't get Rhogam after my first MC. I didn't think this could get any worse or any more painful, but now I'm sitting here on the edge of a panic attack that I am never going to be able to carry a child because even if by some miracle I can make it past first tri, my body will attack my baby's blood cells. WTF OB's office? This is a pretty fucking straightforward thing to test for!

KarenBeth714 · March 2016

This was the worst day of my life, D &E was this morning. ( 16 weeks) I've been crying all week and have been grieving with my DH and our families. Our close friends who knew have reached out to us and we feel the love and support. Now only time will help us heal, though I doubt I'll never be the same again. Hope you ladies are on the up and up this week, if not hope you are finding comfort and support.

RiverSong15 · March 2016

I'm so sorry @KarenBeth714! Big hugs and best wishes as you heal.

@JDMRS, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to hold on to the tiniest flicker of hope. Hope is simultaneously a bitch and yet the thing that keeps us moving forward. Hugs.

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

Hugs @KarenBeth714 You're right - miscarriage changes us and we are never the same again. It does get better though, and we learn to live our lives again. Thinking of you!

RiverSong15 · March 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29, I'm so sorry about the anxiety. That's just a double whammy to have to deal with that too. I hope you get some relief from the medication.

@BrightenMySky, thanks for sharing your D&C story. That helps. I'm sorry for your loss and for the news about your fur baby. Hugs.

roxgibbons · March 2016

@KarenBeth74 I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I felt the same way during the week I found out and during my d&c process. It's been 5 weeks since my loss but I feel like I've definitely changed and I definitely have bouts of sadness. Many hugs to you during this difficult time.

jatwal128 · March 2016

Thoughts and hugs to everyone going through this. I never thought I would be included in this group, as I'm sure we all assumed, and it's just really crappy.

@jdmrs I know the feeling of holding out hope. I was spotting for almost a full week and told everything was normal up until i started bleeding red. I didn't want to believe what my body was already telling me. It's a horrible feeling to have a confirmation of what you desperately didn't want to be true.

@brightenmysky I am so so sorry about your furbaby. With everything else you're having to go through I can't imagine the heartache. I'm sure your sweet furball knows they are incredibly loved. You are in my thoughts.

I'm 4 days after my actual MC and I thought i was doing ok. Sudden tears and moments of sadness, but for the most part holding it together. Until I saw one of my best friends post a picture of her, her husband and their new 4 day old baby. I suddenly was bitter that she got what she wanted and I didn't. It came out of nowhere and I guess that's normal, but it's put me in a funk today.

I had my first beer last night and it felt wrong. Like i was acknowledging what had happened. I guess I should start enjoying all of those things now because in my ideal world I'll be pregnant again soon (wishful thinking).

Sidenote: It has been comforting to read everyone's experiences. You start to feel like you are alone and no one knows how it feels. As much as it sucks that we're all here, I'm glad we're all here for each other.

babymama03252016 · March 2016

My due date is tomorrow and I'm dreading it so much.. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. Hugs to all you ladies and so much baby dust to all!

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

babymama03252016 said:

My due date is tomorrow and I'm dreading it so much.. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. Hugs to all you ladies and so much baby dust to all!

Be kind to yourself tomorrow! ((Hugs))

babymama03252016 · March 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29
thank you so much!

KarenBeth714 · March 2016

Thanks for all of the support on here, i appreciate it and it has helped me get through this week. Wishing you all strength and healing ~*~*~*

Kirchetta · March 2016

@jatwal128
I feel you about the beer thing. For me, it's bacon.

Every time I eat bacon I get sad and think "Two weeks ago I wouldn't be eating this." <3s and hugs to you

@babymama03252016
Thinking of you today.

jatwal128 · March 2016

@Kirchetta i think that's exactly it, it makes me think how much i wish i still wasn't allowed to have those things. *hugs* to you too. Try and enjoy your bacon now while you can

@babymama03252016 Also thinking of you today. Try and do something kind for yourself. You deserve it.

babymama03252016 · March 2016

@Kirchetta
@jatwal128
thank you ladies that means a lot to me!

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@babymama03252016 I hope you made it through yesterday okay! Milestones are so hard - the reminder of what could have been is so painful. Hugs to you!

One thing - we don't like "baby dust" on the bump. It is a painful reminder to some moms who cremated their LOs. Please use other language to offer your support.

babymama03252016 · March 2016

@AL_TwinCities
I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it in that way but I will correct that in the future!
Thank you for your kind words!

How is everyone this week? Check-in 3/21

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