June 2016 Moms
kwife15
member
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Relationship question for STMs
kwife15
member
Ladies: how did you deal with bringing a newborn into the relationship with your SO? Any dos and don'ts? I'm having a hard time picturing the transition so thought I'd ask the more experienced bump wizards.
Re: Relationship question for STMs
My my experience was that those first few weeks were basically my show because I was breastfeeding. He helped where he could, but I just went with the flow with the transition and praised him often to help his confidence caring for LO. The newborn phase is over so fast though!!
Even though i was BF, my husband would get up and change his diaper and bring him to me at night - but I didn't have to ask him to do that, he just did. Some men just need you to ask. So if you want your H to step up somewhere, ask him nicely! Don't just sit there and get frustrated because he doesn't just see where he could be useful.
having a baby is a big change. And you may go through phases where you and partner get along amazingly well, and others where you bicker constantly. Just try to be flexible and ride it out, and admit when you are wrong and apologize!
fyi - this is all just my personal experience!
Mrs. H
Crohn's Dx: August 2008
Endometriosis Dx: May 2010
Married: 05/19/2012
TTC #1: June 2013
BFP: December 2013
DS: Born 08/29/2014
TTC #2: July 2015
BFP #2: September 25, 2015
My husband also felt very uneasy about what he should or should not do, so he wound up doing nothing. We wound up getting into a big fight about it, and he ultimately was like "If you need me to do something, just ask, and I will be happy to do it." That opened our communication back up, and things got a lot better. If I had a particularly bad night with the baby, and needed him to do laundry, or just take her for a couple of hours so I could nap, or cook dinner when he got home from work because she had cried all.day.long, he would do it without complaint, but he wasn't great at figuring out what I needed if I didn't tell him.
Also I agree with PP if you're always telling him he's not doing something right chances are he'll stop helping completely. H had never even held a baby before we had DS and he didn't know much but he did just fine. The first time he dressed him was for his first check up. I got there took him out of the car seat and he had his onesie snapped over his pants. I took a picture and laughed it off it wasn't worth a fight and at least he tried.
Its not not easy but as PP's said it doesn't last long and once you both get into the new routine it gets much easier.
Communication is such a big part. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed and resentful that you have to do everything (especially if you BF). Also, learn the signs of PPD and make sure he knows the signs. It can sneak up on you so quickly. I'm so glad we are part of a generation where father's are involved. My dad hadn't changed a diaper until my son was almost 1.
The comment about treating him as competent and not as any less capable than I am is a really good point that I'm going to have to work on. Just being married I've had to learn that I have to ask if I want something done. I don't think I should HAVE to ask my H to wash the sink full of dishes or to tell him that I expect to be celebrated on Mother's Day this year but I do because that's just how his brain operates and things get done and then we're both happier. So I'm glad I have a little practice in that area already.
Thanks for starting this thread! And thanks for all of your wisdom STMs. You guys are the best.
We were prepared for me to have PPD because I have a history of depression. In fact, I went on an antidepressant during my ninth month on my midwife's recommendation. But neither of us realized that it would take the form it did. I didn't feel depressed -- I felt angry and frustrated. All the time. Mostly at my husband. And he was the one who had to take over when the baby was inconsolable, figure out that breastfeeding wasn't working, encourage me to get on a stronger dose, adjust my expectations, get enough sleep, etc., and he had to do it all while recognizing that when I snapped at him (many times a day), it wasn't really about him and what he was doing. I had tons of experience with babies, and he had none, but he really had to step up and be there even though he didn't know much about what he was doing.
I will be completely honest: Things were rocky for a long time. And I have friends for whom that has been true even without the added complication of PPD. But almost every couple I know has made it through that rough time. One thing that I know only makes it worse, both from my own experience and from watching my friends' experiences, is treating your husband like he is doing things wrong and/or not affording him the opportunity to learn how to parent in his own way.
Once you get through the overwhelming newborn phase, come up for air and notice that you are in some sort of groove. It will be different than before, but you will both be coping & getting into a new rhythm, even if it's in fits & starts. Once you hit that spot (and actually, maybe even before), remember to prioritize your relationship as well.
Sexy nights out on the town and kid-free weekend getaways may be a pipe dream for a while, but make a point of talking about something other than the baby, taking advantage of baby's naps to watch a movie (or at least part of one), eat an adult meal, have a drink, etc. And when you're at your wit's end with everything, remember why you fell for him & wanted to have a baby with him:)
My and my H's relationship works best when we have our expectations laid out ahead of time - by which I mean we have an established pattern for how necessary stuff will get done in our household, who will do it, and when/how often. So when we added D into the mix, we had to renegotiate some of that stuff, because there was a new assortment of tasks that had to be handled as well. Understand that while the shuffle of rearranging your life's structure is happening (the first month or two is the worst, in this regard) some things might fall to the wayside, and talk about it ahead of time so you can both be on the same page about which items are non-negotiable, and which can slip a bit. For example, I can't handle it if the kitchen gets totally out of control, so we have to keep on top of that, but if we skip a bathroom cleaning here and there, it doesn't change my quality of life that much. Prioritize the stuff that makes the biggest difference for each of you, and trust that a new normal will emerge from the craziness.
Dont be shocked if your husband does surprise you. Mine jumped in head first right with me and I was so grateful for it. I definitely try and let him know that. I second the don't treat him as incompetent thing too. I always find myself giving him a list of things to remember when I leave him alone with DS and he gets really upset that I think I have to tell him how to handle our child.
our son definitely strengthened our relationship!
Thanks for starting this thread and for all you fantastic STMs for contributing! I'm also pretty nervous about how this new journey is going to change our dynamic as husband and wife. I agree w @ahernandez16, the thing I'm going to have to remember most is that he's in the trenches with me and I'll need to make sure to spell out what I need instead of getting mad that he doesn't know.
And I completely second that we all deserve to be celebrated for Mother's Day this year because we've been mom's the second we saw those 2 pink lines!
I agree with everything everyone has said, especially about laying out expectations ahead of time! I like to process everything out loud and my husband is not like this at all. But I feel like I will have less anxiety if he knows where I'm coming from.
The one thing I'll add is that this is an on-going thing! My DS is almost 2 years old and my DH and I are still ironing out the parenting thing! On Friday, my DH wanted to watch SouthPaw on DVD, but I felt like my DS shouldn't be watching all the fighting. My DH initially thought I was being ridiculous but came back a couple days later and told me after thinking about it and watching how much my DS takes things in, he agreed with me. Its hard because I don't want to bulldoze over what my DH thinks and I know I'm a lot more overprotective, but there are some things I feel pretty strong about. I definitely have to pick my battles (with both my DS and DH!), there are things I have to let go of just so I'm not always telling my DH what to do!
To echo so many other posts, just because your husband does something differently doesn't mean he's doing it wrong. So many times in the last couple months I would get frustrated because he would do something differently than me. It took me a while to realize that just because DH gave DS his bottle differently than me didn't make it wrong.
Also, communicate. So often I would get DS around and ready to go places in the morning, and then hand him off to DH so I could pee or grab breakfast. I would be so angry when DH was just playing with DS instead of finishing packing the diaper bag or getting shoes on him. I was so frustrated that I had to do everything.... but I never asked DH to finish packing the diaper bag or get shoes or a coat on DS. He didn't realize those things still needed to get done, and once I asked, he didn't hesitate to do them.
And as PP said, you and DH should know the symptoms of PPD. DH had a class during our childbirthing/parenting classes that covered many of the symptoms, and that helped so much. I PP anxiety immediately after getting home and then I had PPD about 4 months PP. Having a husband who understood this and took it seriously helped so, so much.
BFP #4: 8/20/15 EDD: 4/26/18
Also, as to the PP's comment not to expect much of the husband in the newborn stage: You know your spouse's capabilities best but I think many men are very capable and adept at helping in this stage. It can help if he has duties which he feels good at: swaddling, bouncing, taking for walks, bathing and of course, taking care of you!