New here. bfn mentioned

themuffinman16 · March 2016

I've lurked for a while on the boards. I may have even posted on another board several months ago. I'm Muffinman. I'm 37 years old, now and have been TTC for a year and few months. I have endometriosis (I was diagnosed at 17 by a laparoscopy) I, also, have adenomyosis, a thin uterine lining, cysts on my right ovary, and just had a uterine growth removed in October with a D+C, after month on the Clomid. I am on my 3rd round of Clomid. I have yet to see an RE, but it might be a little premature for that. Under monitoring and the Clomid, it was revealed that I am producing mature follicles, and this last time I had a collapsed follicle (yay). My body reacts so much to the Clomid, that it actually seemed like they were all symptoms of pregnancy. The smallest smell would have me running to the bathroom, the lightheadedness, and the sever puffiness of the lower abdomen. Those side effects and the collapsed follicle on the sonogram, and I thought for sure I was going to get a BFP, but instead, it was negative and I just cried all day.
I never knew how hard TTC was on people emotionally, until I went through it. My husband tries to comfort me, but he does it in a way that kind of minimizes what I go through every month. I have a twin sister, I can share almost anything with her, but even she has said things that have set me off. "When me and DH were trying, we actually had fun, maybe that's your problem." It's hard not to feel alone.
I know my infertility isn't my fault, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it. My husband was tested, and all of his levels are fine. You think this would make me happy, but I feel like the entire burden of TTC is all on me. H's family are a bunch of breeders. H's father is one of 10 children, all of H's aunts and uncles have 5 children each, and H is one of 5 siblings. I had to hear, "You should give H a child, he's sooo good with babies. He's be a great father." (Like I am trying to intentionally keep us from having children.) If they knew how hard we were trying, it would be obscene to talk about... but a part of me wants to share, just to make them as uncomfortable as they make me.
Now, I am on Clomid and Metformin, and I have been so nauseous that it is hard to eat, at times. I was given Diclegis by my gynocologist as a sample, to help with the nausea. I ran out, and my doctor tried to phone in a prescription, but my insurance doesn't cover it... it's $900 for the bottle. The pharmacist thought she was being helpful and said "With the coupon, the prescription is only $350." I said, "Well, if it's that cheap, sign me up for 3 bottles." I'm sure she was just doing her job, but who in their right mind would say any monthly prescription is "only" $350. (This pill is just to combat the nausea... it won't get me pregnant.) Along with the constant nausea, I have also had dizzy spells on the Clomid (at least, I think Clomid's the culprit). If I do even minor activity, everything goes dark, and I feel like I am going to faint. At that moment, my face turns really pale, I've been told. And, as quick as the spell comes, it goes. I can see again, and I no longer feel light headed. it is almost like the head rush feeling when you stand up too fast. I'm going to my primary doctor tomorrow to get a thorough workup to make sure it is nothing else. This Friday, I go in to get dye injected into my fallopian tubes with a follow-up x-ray, to see if I have an obstruction in my fallopian tubes. My doctor will know a lot more on Friday, but it is just so damn depressing, and I feel so alone. I know you ladies may have dealt with these problems for a lot longer, and I feel guilty for feeling so defeated so soon. Well, that's me in a nutshell. Usually, I'm more optimistic, but I think the Clomid has been severely altering my moods. Lurking here has helped me a lot. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is comforting to know that someone understands.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

Hello, I just wanted to say welcome but sorry you are here. I don't think it's necessarily premature to see an RE. It sounds like you have been monitored on the Clomid, which is good (some OBs do not, as I understand). But an RE can help figure out what med combinations might be better for you--it's not just how your ovaries react, it's also about the side effects to you. And certainly tell whoever prescribed you the meds about all of your side effects. The test you are having Friday sounds like an HSG, very common test that people have varying experiences with pain-wise (you can search here for discussions of it), but hopefully it will be quick and you will get good results. You are not alone. I know it all sucks.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry it's been such a struggle for you. It sucks when people don't understand. I agree that going to an RE is a good idea and not at all premature. This is their specialty. We went just after a couple months of trying because my husband failed an at home sperm test. We didn't see any point in waiting. If anyone can provide you with proper answers and appropriate treatment, it's an RE. Best of luck to you!

LadyMillil · March 2016

Welcome. I agree that going to an RE would be a good idea. It sounds like you are having an HSG on Friday. It can be painful. I found taking ibuprofen beforehand to help and focused on my breathing during the procedure.

hbomb513 · March 2016

Welcome! I'm newish here as well, and I'm loving the support. I'm so sorry you're going through this. We know how hard it is! Everyone seems to think they know what the problem is ("you're just not having enough fun! You need to relax!"), or they like to tell you it'll happen on God's time (no matter your religious affiliation), or "when you least expect it" (I've been peeing on sticks and waking up early to temp for two years, you think it's gonna catch me by surprise??
I also have experience with my DH minimizing it. He's an amazing partner 95% of the time, but if he sees me getting stressed, sometimes he'll try to ignore the issue, which totally makes it worse. I checked him on that last cycle, he's been much more present for this one.
I also agree with others, the time for RE is now! I did one IUI with OB, and it was a waste of time and money (not saying it's like that for everyone with all OB's). An RE ONLY does fertility stuff. That's their only hat. They just have more knowledge than OB's do. I'm actually surprised your OB hasn't referred you out yet.
Good luck with your HSG, and keep us posted!

Sarah52Beth · March 2016

Hi! I'm new here as well. I completely get it when you talk about comments you get from your H's family. That has been a tough aspect for me as well. People just don't know what they are saying sometimes.

I hope your HSG goes well!

mskeenan · March 2016

Hello ! Welcome ! I agree with others . I don't think it's too early to see an RE . You could possibly ask your current doc to switch you to a diff drug ? Femara is a great alternative to clomid and often has less side effects from what I have read . It may not be right for you for various reasons but you could at least ask ! Hang in there !

themuffinman16 · March 2016

Thank you, ladies. After this month of clomid, and my HSG, I am going to talk to my doctor about seeing an RE. I didn't know if I should, because I'm not sure I'd want to go the IVF round. But as I have been on this forum, I realize there's a lot more an RE can do for you than IVF. TTC is so confusing, and I thank each and every one of you ladies for helping me gain a little clarity. Good luck to you all.

BingALing23 · March 2016

@themuffinman16 Good luck at your HSG today. Hopefully it won't be too uncomfortable for you. I hear you on the in-laws... after telling my MIL that we were going to do IVF she had the nerve to ask, "Well, could it still happen naturally?" UGH!!! Sometimes people just don't think how their words can hurt us.

cmm012 · March 2016

Welcome sand thank you for posting. I'm sure all of us can relate in some way to your post. I think it's a great idea to see an RE. There are meds other than Clomid that might work better for you. And you are right, IVF is just one option for couples. There are other treatments that may be effective like TI with meds and IUI.

Please use us as a sounding board and to ask questions. I hope you have your baby soon!

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