January 2016 Moms
2winterbabies
member
How is it with your SO?
2winterbabies
member
How are things going with your SO currently?
DH and I are rocky. You can read about that hot mess on D15. Barely any sex during and after the pregnancy. Intimacy has just been nonexistent. DH leaves raising the kids all on my own and just because he has 2 jobs he doesn't have to lift a finger apparently.
Yep. That's my life.
Please tell me yours is better than mine right now.
DH and I are rocky. You can read about that hot mess on D15. Barely any sex during and after the pregnancy. Intimacy has just been nonexistent. DH leaves raising the kids all on my own and just because he has 2 jobs he doesn't have to lift a finger apparently.
Yep. That's my life.
Please tell me yours is better than mine right now.
DD#1 born 12/30/2015
DS#1 born 02/19/2013
DS#1 born 02/19/2013
Re: How is it with your SO?
My sister said it's normal for men to require adjusting periods when it comes to parenting. Mine just needed a different life and I gave him that. I think what you're experiencing is relatively normal but just knowing you could do it yourself if you needed to makes it easier. I hope he wakes up soon and grows appropriately into his new role as a dad!
We haven't had sex yet since baby was born since I just got cleared on Friday but we've been pretty intimate in other ways. We do definitely argue more about silly things which I think is a result of me being overtired and him being stressed. But overall he is a wonderful father and I know he's also trying his best to be a good husband so I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping when LO gets a bit older and the sleep is back on track we will start bickering a little less.
I agree with PPs that your husband needs to step it up a bit and make some compromises. I'd start by asking him to cut gym days in half or go on his lunch break if his work allows for such things. If LO is your "job" and work is his, then that part is already "even" -- extracurriculars and other responsibilities need to be even too.
We talked yesterday about how we both kind of wish it could be reversed and I could be back and work and he could be with the baby. I still haven't physically recovered and I work a desk job, so I feel like it would be easier to recover and that I would be so excited to see the baby before and after work and on the weekends, and my DH, with his high energy and sort of zen calmness, would be an ideal stay at home dad. Alas, his job is the one that gives us excellent health care, so that can't happen. Sigh. But I do feel guilty that I think he's doing a better job parenting during this newborn stage than I am. Though, I'm hopeful that some of that is just due to delayed postpartum recovery and that once I don't feel like I've been hit by a truck every day, I'll have more patience, energy and enthusiasm.
He just took out all my clothes and cleaned everything else. So I guess I got to wash my own clothes since he's mad at me.
I mean he is bad about cleaning up after himself. Everyday he throws his dirty clothes on the floor when he gets home from work. The hamper is 2 feet away. After one of us makes dinner...he wont wash his plate off. The next morning I'm scrubbing off his crusty food. Come on... Help out DH!
DS#1 born 02/19/2013
But when it comes to the kids he's really good. He'll do whatever I need and when I was having my issues with anxiety he took over and watched the baby and our older son for me so I could go get help/talk to a counselor. He really picked up the slack for me many times when I wasn't feeling well and he does a lot of the night feeding. We just accept things about each other - I'm really shitty on little sleep and he's better with it, he can nap during the day and I can't. So he'll wake up at night more for me because he knows it's easier if he does it. Our marriage is good - babies put strain on everything but it's to be expected, we've done this before. We still find time for sex, although not as often and we still talk to each other. I think my husband knowing I was going through issues postpartum helped him a lot to understand how stressful it is for me (and women as a whole) so he stepped up because he knew it wasn't like that for him.
I feel really bad for anyone who is not getting help from their SO's. I hope you guys can work it out and communicate.
DH works from 7:30-4 and he has a garage space where he does side work and works on his own stuff pretty regularly. He also helps out a lot of his car buddies and we are working on some major renovations in our house. I had to literally go into crazy b* mode on him to get him to realize that during those weeks when sleep and sanity were not in the near future, he needed to put all side jobs/hobbies to the side and come straight home from work to help out with DS. It was hard for him to put someone else before his own needs and wants. Before baby, DH and I lived a pretty carefree life together and we both pretty much did whatever we wanted. I've always been a home body and been okay with just hanging out at home. DH is a total work horse and tends to take on too many projects. So he's always got something he can be doing, but unfortunately now at this point in his life, that life style and mentality doesn't work so well with a baby.
I don't know if anyone has seen some of my previous posts, but I am really struggling.
My husband was in an accident over a year ago (about the same time we got pregnant,) and suffered a severe concussion. (Yes, in adults, they can take 1-3 years to fully heal.) Throughout my entire pregnancy, the focus was on him, and his recovery. We spent many nights in the ER trying to deal with severe headaches and seizure-like activity. Because of this, he's been restricted to working 1.5 hours a day right now. He really seemed to be improving before the baby came. Since the baby came, I just am completely overwhelmed.
(I might add that I have 3 stepsons, and for the last year, I was their primary caregiver in our home.) He was dealing with some anger issues (his control seems to have gone since his injury,) and while I don't fear that he'll be physically violent, he has been very nasty in communicating--not just with me, but also with the boys.
On top of this, I had to go back to work, and he INSISTED that he was well enough to take care of our LO until I got home every day. (He works in the evening or late afternoon.) To make this work, I go in every day at 6:30. (Meaning I'm up at 5:30, plus up multiple times a night with baby.) I don't get a chance to go to bed until after 11, because if I didn't do laundry, dishes, etc., they would not get done. Also, my husband still requires quite a bit of care himself.
Tuesday, he wanted to go to the ER because of pain he was having. My mother was flying in from across the country, on top of it being almost 11, (when I have to get up at 5:30) so I tried calling his dad. His dad's response was that he needed to put on his big boy pants and deal with it some other way. He medicated, and lo and behold, 20 minutes later, the pain was bearable.
My mom arrived, and bless her, even took baby overnight Wednesday so I could sleep.
Last night, I told her I would take the baby so she could get over her jet lag. SO and I had just gotten to bed when he started whimpering. When asked what was wrong, he said it was his head. I asked if he had taken anything, he had only taken 2 ibuprofen. (He has several prescription meds for managing pain.) I gave him a pain pill, he took half. He kept saying, "I just want to sleep." I suggested he take another pill he's on to help him, and he yelled at me that he "needed to get up in the morning." An hour later, he's still whimpering and rocking in the bed. (Thus keeping me awake. We're at 11:00 now.) He goes downstairs to sleep on the couch, and the next thing I know, I'm woken up by shriek-sobbing. He's insisting on going to the ER. I have to comply, because otherwise, all four of us (him, my mom, LO, and I) are going to be up all night.
Ladies, two things I haven't mentioned: 3 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. I still took care of EVERYONE. Last week on Thursday, I fell down the stairs, and it still feels like someone kicked me in the ribs, and it hurts to sit, and I need both of my hands to stand up, and I am still parenting four kids. I'm still going to work. I'm still going. Because the world doesn't stop because I'm sick or hurt. LO still needs care.
Back to last night--I take him, and I am pissed. And feeling guilty, because he is legitimately injured--the doctors keep confirming that, and I'm angry that he needs help. But the problem is that he always is in the worst condition right when I get an opportunity to recover, or when the primary focus shifts away from him.
I took a vow to be with him in sickness and in health, but I'm compromising my own health, and now I fear I'm putting LO in danger by leaving her with him. I have less than $100 in my bank account. I'm thinking about asking my mom to extend her visit, but I worry about them being in the house together. Her mama bear instinct is going to come out, and could potentially cause more damage. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to save my marriage, but I feel like SO is using his injury to refuse responsibility.
DS#1 born 02/19/2013
While I understand you are being as supportive as possible, your husband needs to take responsibility and proactively take control of his medical needs. I think you need to have a long discussion with him and create a better plan for future incidents. Best of luck with everything.