How to Be a Mom AND Wife?

jen83mn · March 2016

Anyone else having a hard time balancing being a mom and a wife? I feel like all of my love, patience, and energy goes to my LO and by the end of the day I have nothing left for my husband. I get so much more easily irritated with DH about stuff that never even used to bother me (and shouldn't), and I'm having such a hard time balancing it. I feel like I'm neglecting my DH and like I'm no fun to be around anymore. The fact that I have to constantly ask or remind him to help me out with household stuff doesn't help matters.

I feel like I'm stressed at home because there's always so much to do, stressed at work because we've been so busy lately, and just feeling claustrophobic from being cooped up all winter (living in MN doesn't help, even with a mild winter). And don't even get me started on the MIL ... she's just another source of stress.

I want to have fun as a family and enjoy this time, but I just can't figure out how to balance it all and how to be a good mom and a good wife at the same time. It's important to me that we set a good example for our little guy, and I want him to grow up seeing his mom and dad enjoying each other's company, and that's just not happening right now.

Any pointers/tips? How do you balance it all and be a mom and have a healthy relationship with your DH at the same time?

(We have a relatively easygoing baby who is sleeping great, so that does help!)

vibarra27 · March 2016

You just have to get used to it. Its something you learn to do. You learn how to give each their spot.

Give him his time. Have time for him alone & then time for the 2 together. When DH gets home we sit together for dinner & we each discuss our day. Play with the kids all together. We mess around kiss & hug around the kids. Do Homework with DD. They are off to bed & then the night is ours & every other weekend we try to go on dates. The weekends we do things with the kids during the day.

Youll catch on. When youre a FTM you feel all you can be is a mom but youll figure it out. Hang tight.

tlc11934 · March 2016

DH and I spend our quality time together by talking on the phone on the way to work. Virtually every minute of our day is taken by work or our 3 kids with little alone time. It actually doesn't bother me too much. We go to dinner twice per year.

TeacherMom210 · March 2016

This was one of the hardest things for DH and I after our first was born, and I feel like it took the better part of her first year to sort it out. It was easier once she started STTN because then we knew we had time together after she was in bed. It was a juggling game once again when DD#2 was born, but we're getting our nights back. You learn to adjust and as PP have said, get used to it.

rebekahrathe · March 2016

That has been a huge adjustment for me as well! We went on our first date night when our daughter was 6 weeks! It was hard but it was important for me to show him that our relationship is important to me. I feel like it set a good tone. The beginning was hard with her sleep schedule but now she is in bed by 7:30 so we can hang out after. We go on date nights a few times a month sometimes with friends and sometimes with out. We both know it will never be like it was, we used to be very spontaneous and travel a ton.! It's just finding a balance between everything. One of my friends once told me the first 6 months was so hard on her marriage. Keeping that in the back of my mind I try to make efforts to make time for my hubby..and sometimes it's just little things like making his favorite dinner and setting the table nicely or writing him a love note for him to find. Good luck!!!

mwertalik · March 2016

I could have written this same exact post. I wish I had words of wisdom for you (and me). I'm just so ANNOYED by DH... And he's really supportive and tries to be helpful but I'm just so cranky. I'm glad to hear from others it will work out. We had a strong marriage before I got pregnant, we just have to get to a new normal.

mill1020 · March 2016

MILs and winters are terrible but there's not too much you can do about those.

For the rest of it, you need a once weekly date night.

laurapaine2003@yahoo.com · March 2016

I had to make a MAJOR effort to not be upset or irritated with DH constantly. We are over 6 months in and LO is sleeping worse than ever - I never sleep and I'm a burned out irritable zombie - that means I have little interest or time or energy for sex or affection BUT when I make the effort (even when I'm SO tired) it pays off big time!!! We get closer, he's in a MUCH nicer mood, helps out so much more, there is way less tension and anger between us. It can be very hard but carving out just 15 min to give some affection and bedroom time can change my and DH's entire week from then on! DH feels like I haven't completely forgotten about him.

snowflake2214 · March 2016

What I learned from DD1 is the first year is the worse. It is challenging all around. You just have to get through it. Babies and all the feedings take so much time. I think any year with a new baby whether it is your first or fourth is an adjustment for a marriage.

There have been studies that say it is common for marriage satisfaction to go down with each kid, but look at all the marriages who have kids. Everyone adjusts. Get through the first year to 18 months or so and you will have more time, energy, etc.

jwebbbber45678 · March 2016

Just try and do everything together. We cook together, clean together, shop together. It's not as exciting as a date night, but even just hanging out in the kitchen together while I cook, he does dishes and the baby plays in his high chair is fun. We still get stressed once and awhile but I feel like we're tackling this while parent thing as a team, I'm not doing more nor he is. We may have different responsibilities at times but it's pretty balanced. Just try getting him to be your more equal partner in parenting and then maybe you won't feel as stretched thin at the end of the day. And I agree with the other poster, make sure you have your intimate moments at least once a week!

LoveLee85 · March 2016

I'm managing to but I feel like it is a two way street. It's not a woman's job to make everything work. For me, when he's being a good dad, he IS being a good husband. Hard to explain, but watching him care for your son and taking that time makes me fall I love with him all over again! Also, caring for our son and giving me(SAHM) a chance to relax, once again is him being a good husband by being a good father. We never, ever went on weekly date nights, and won't start now. Lol. We go on walks. Baby in stroller and us holding hands. I guess everyone has a different 'normal'(I hate that word).

alys3021 · March 2016

I know what you mean. I literally just bust my ass when i get home after work, for example, take care of little one, wash dishes/bottles, fold clothes, help other older son w homework and he sees that I'm working hard so he always offers to help and i take advantage of that. Also, i am just so in love and so attentive to little one that i think it rubs off on him and so he is sooo into baby and loves spending time n bonding. We also keep the spark going by surprising each other here and there with little things like make him cup of coffee/tea, make dinner, fold clothes, leave clean towel for shower, surprise dinner date, rent a movie and pour glass of wine... just any little thing is something thoughtful and meant to bring u all closer together. Say things that u mean like i love you, i miss you, i cant wait to see u, u look handsome, etc. Splitting up taking care of baby should be easier thereafter and you should be able to catch up on sleep and rest if he's willing to help more. Ipen communication is important as well, let him know how u feel in a calm and caring way.

laur3877 · March 2016

I've been getting irritated a lot more with DH too over things that never used to bother me. As fun as it is to have a little one, I think the stress level goes unnoticed a lot - because things are good. Sometimes I just stop and think ... WE JUST HAD A BABY!!! Of COURSE the first year is going to be stressful - we're learning so much about being parents ... Working ... Coaching ... Still EBF ... It's exhausting! We have talked about going to couples counseling not really because anything is "wrong" or "bad" - trust me DH is a god send & I couldn't be more in love ... We're just thinking because of the stress that comes along with raising a child it might be beneficial to acknowledge the increase in responsibilities and stress etc

BabyBean815 · March 2016

We've struggled with this since LO arrived, too, and I think we're at the point where we're starting to understand how to be better with each other. Honestly, I kind of put DH at the bottom of my priorities list and I think he was feeling a little neglected.
Here is what has been working for us lately:
- I try to thank him for doing small things - laundry, dishes, making bottles, giving LO a bath, etc. I think a little bit of appreciation goes a long way and also helps me see that he does do a lot more than I was giving him credit for.

- I try to initiate intimate time at least once a week. A lot of times, when he tried to initiate, my mind was either still in "get things done" mode, or in "ahhh, finally me time" mode, and not in, "let's get close" mode. I was turning him down a lot, which was a real ego killer for him, and caused some resentment. So I'm trying to be more mindful to accept his advances and to approach him for some us time, and it has really helped our relationship.

- Giving each other time away from responsibilities. We each have our outlets that we like to do by ourselves that keep us sane. It used to drive me crazy that DH liked to play video games, but that's his outlet, he doesn't abuse it and it keeps him happy. I like to work out at night. It relieves my stress. We each have time to do our own things, watch our own shows, and be our own people.

jen83mn · March 2016

Thank you all for the great suggestions and advice! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and super helpful to know what you all are doing to make things work.

I've been trying this week to make my husband more of a priority, spending time with him after the baby goes to bed instead of getting stuff done on my to-do list that always seems never-ending. I also went "on strike" from making dinner this week and let DH figure it out for us ... that in itself helped a bunch to free up more of my time. I gave DH a task list of stuff he could get done sometime over the weekend and he went on a cleaning spree on Sunday and it seriously took so much pressure off me. I think the worst part has been seeing him sitting on the couch watching TV doing nothing while I'm busting my butt trying to get the dishes done, bottles prepared, dinner on the table, etc. He is helpful in a lot of ways and does do a lot on a daily basis, but I know I take on a lot because sometimes it seems like it's easier than bugging him about getting something done.

And I completely agree that it's important to carve out that "intimate" time ... he is a lot happier when he's getting some action (as most men are!), but like a previous poster mentioned, I need to learn to turn off that "get things done" mode in my mind and carve out more time for our relationship. Maybe I should just add that to my to-do list, haha

Plus, I honestly think a lot of my mood is coming from being cooped up all winter. The sun finally came out on Sunday and I was instantly happy; it makes a world of difference when you're a warm-weather sun-lover like I am! Minnesota is depressing November - March!

Thank you all again!

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