Is anyone else just TIRED???

hbomb513 · March 2016

I know I'm not alone in this, and I needed to vent. Just got another BFN after my second IUI. We've been actively trying since 2014, NTNP for a few years before that. We are completely unexplained. I have regular cycles, HSG was fine, DH's SA was perfect, etc.
I know people go through so much more than we have for a baby, but I'm so damn TIRED of this! So so tired of:

waking up to temp everyday
peeing on stick after stick for ovulation, and then for those horrible BFN's
disappointing my MIL
feeling guilty every time I hear of a friend's pregnancy bc I'm SO JEALOUS
having sex when we're "supposed to"
having fights with DH bc we're both stressed over this (I know, I know..."just relax!")
side effects from fertility meds (I swear I'm not this crazy all the time!)
fertility meds in general - cramps from clomid, shots in the belly, shoving progesterone up the hoo-ha twice a day...
obsessing over all the baby/nursery boards on Pinterest
taking care of abused and neglected kiddos (I'm a pediatric RN)
people telling me to "just relax, it'll happen when you least expect it!"
feeling gut punched every time I see a pregnant belly
paying OOP for 100% of treatments
having people tell me "it's bc you try to be so healthy and perfect all the time - JUST RELAX!!" (seriously, the next person who tells me to relax gets tit punched)

Thanks for reading, I know you get it. What are you tired of??

msirni0 · March 2016

@hbomb513 are we the same person? I literally am in exactly the same boat as you (except I just finished the first IUI). I am tired of feeling like motherhood is a club I'm not allowed to be a part of. I'm tired of friends complaining about not getting a BFP after 2 or 3 months trying. And I'm SO tired of hearing people telling me "it will happen when it's supposed to" or "everything is in gods timing" and the worst...like you said "just relax!"

hbomb513 · March 2016

@msirni0"feeling like motherhood is a club I'm not allowed to be a part of" - THIS! I feel like pregnancy is just something that happens to other people, not me. We're going to figure out a way though, I'm determined to be a part of the club!

BecauseLove · March 2016

Uffda...I hear ya! I was and am still tired with all this trying...and what goes along with it. The money, the symptoms, the brain energy, the ups and downs, the jealously, travel, the bfn and negative opk and lack of mature follies, the trying to make plans for our next year or two with no clue what or when is happening and all the other side effects of trying.

I hear ya! You are awesome and I hope your bfp lands on this next cycle.

AandDM2014 · March 2016

Yes. I think this is everyone who ttc for more than about 6 months with no success, let alone those of us who try for years and pay thousands of dollars for BFNs every month. You're time will come. I know that doesn't help, and it certainly wouldn't have made me feel better to hear it, but with enough patience and money, it should happen. Waiting is not easy or fun. Oh, and at least you get to have sex with your DH! During IVF my doc says no sex from day before transfer until after at least the second US around week 7 (so like 4.5 weeks, at least).

And trust me, **TW** being newly pregnant after IF treatments isn't much fun either. It is terrifying every. single. day. Those of us who see REs are lucky that we get to have so many USs and blood draws before we even see our regular OBs. **end TW**

I wish you nothing but the best.

And don't relax. It doesn't help!

sarahloveshubby · March 2016

You've read my mind! Only couples TTC understand these things.
DH and I only told my mom and my two younger single sisters, we're very close but last week when we told them were doing IVF, my sister told me maybe I should just rest and relax and it'll work. Well I was FURIOUS! I couldn't help but give her a piece of my mind, she felt terrible and apologized, and I know she didn't mean to hurt me but it's so aggravating.

I feel terrible that I'm so jealous of friends and family that are expecting, but I can't help it! Especially when some of them lead some not so healthy lifestyles (alcohol & occasional drugs) neutral:

PurplePumpernickel · March 2016

@hbomb513 hugs! I can empathize with a lot of those. TTC can make you feel like a brood mare (or it did for me at certain points). And I can't imagine dealing with IF in your line of work.

mskeenan · March 2016

I totally understand the way you feel . I'm a pediatric speech pathologist so I also see a lot of neglected children . It's very painful to see people having babies all the time especially when they don't want them or aren't even trying . I am emotionally drained from 10 months of fertility treatment - it has felt like hell . I don't know how much more I could possibly take .

i don't think my friends understand how emotionally and physically tolling this is . Other than work I want to be alone or just with my husband . It's so hard to try to pretend to be ok .

my heart goes out to you - you are not alone . Sending you a big hug .

hbomb513 · March 2016

@BecauseLovethe whole making plans thing is really tough. It makes me feel so silly for being like, "well I'm gonna hold off on buying that plane ticket, because if this IUI works I'll be in my 3rd tri!". You don't want to feel like you're sitting around waiting to be pregnant, but I'm a planner, so uuughhhh......

@aanddm2014 first of all congrats!! H&H 9mos to you. I understand though, I'm gonna be so totally freaked the F out, probably until that child is walking and talking! Have faith and take care of yourself (and just RELAX!

~hugs~

@sarahloveshubbyIt's so hard not to be a jealous B, isn't it? I mean, of course I'm happy for her, but I'm frickin dying over here. I'm just waiting for my SIL to tell me she's prego, then I'm gonna have to stop talking to her (jk...).

@mskeenanI know, I just want to scoop up those kids and run away with them! Life is so unfair. I used to work in a NICU (that was even worse) and took care of drug addicted babies, whose mothers never came to see them, but of course would throw a fit when CPS got involved. I couldn't take it.
And I totally understand about just wanting to be alone. Especially during the 2ww, I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone (except you guys!). Like if I talk about it, I'm just gonna jinx it or something. Then after I get my BFN, I don't want to talk bc I'm depressed. It's so isolating.

Thanks for your kind words ladies! I knew you'd understand. Onward and upward!

cmm012 · March 2016

I'm with all of you. I'm tired of having foreign objects shoved up my vagina (ultrasound probes, catheters, ovulation monitors, speculums, etc.). So ready for all of this to be over.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

I haven't been trying as long as most of you, so I know that if I'm feeling tired, y'all must be feeling it so much worse. I can relate to a lot of what you said though. I'm a family therapist who specializes in working with parents with disruptive children. For the past few years I've worked with a number of children who have been abused, neglected, adopted, and/or in the foster system. It's been emotionally draining being exposed to so many adults who mistreated and/or didn't even want their children in the first place. And here we are trying so hard to have one.

*big hugs* I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to be in the "unexplained" category.

dragonfaerie · March 2016

Oh girl, I am so with you! "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired." I haaate people telling me to just relax, I've started snarling at those who say it. It's like, I was totally relaxed for the first year we were NTNP, barely thought about if we were going to have it happen this month, so clearly, something is wrong. We also are 100% OOP. I just take comfort from the fact that we are on the right path now, and at this point I have no qualms about telling people that what they said is inappropriate or unwelcome.
I'll tell you though, I thought once I got AF after my ER I would start to feel human again. But I am super hormonal still, seesawing between rage and weepiness, feeling happy, then feeling anxious. That's what I'm tired of.
You are in good company here! Hugs!

LizzieJ13 · March 2016

Yes to all this... and I've only been through 3 medicated cycles!! I'm also tired of comments and questions about when we're having children. I know they're well-intentioned and the world doesn't revolve around me, but it still hurts. One of these days I might lose it and give some totally inappropriate, TMI answer to that question!!

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@LizzieJ13 Before we decided to tell everyone about our IF journey, if people asked when we were going to have kids, I would say "When God says so." Only once did my MIL ask when we were going to have kids (and it was before we had even gotten married!) and I just flat out said "none of your business." She said "it is my business, I'm going to be grandma" and I responded "not until I say so." It was a bit bitchy of me, but one person I do not need asking about my body is my MIL. But my favorite response that I've never used is if someone asks when you are going to have a baby, you say "oh, about 9 months after I get pregnant."

LizzieJ13 · March 2016

@dragonfaerie Ha! I like that last response.

My husband seems to get asked the most, and he usually says something similar like "We hope to be blessed with them soon." One time someone asked DH when we were going to "pull the goalie" and he replied that there'd never been a goalie. On the one hand I like the direct response, on the other I don't like people knowing about what is essentially our sex life!
We haven't told too many people about our IF -- but we are likely going to have to postpone a trip to see family over Easter due to the timing of my cycle, so I have a feeling we'll at least have to hint at it. Fortunately my MIL hasn't directly asked me, I'm not sure how I would handle that!!

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@LizzieJ13 It's so funny how men can get so much more direct questions and answers! And yes, it is very odd to be discussing your sex life, but I've always been more open about things (probably too much at times) so I figure if they are going to ask a direct question, I can give them a direct answer. If they get uncomfortable, that's on them.
I'm sorry that your Easter trip might be cancelled, that really makes it hard when you have to say "no" to something due to the meds or appointments. I hope that you can find a happy medium between getting support without sharing what you don't want to share. Hugs!

vssbrm · March 2016

@dragonfaerie I love that response!!

im right her in the same boat with you guys. Our retrieval was March 4 or something like that... Now we have to wait until the 28th (we were originally told the 7th or 14th of April) for the transfer... I'm so done waiting. And really what is another 7 weeks? Right? Ugh 7 freaking weeks!!!!!!! And so many shots and crap between then and now. I'm over it!!

mskeenan · March 2016

Omg @dragonfaerie that is horrible of your MIL to say !! Your response was perfect and she def deserved that !! Ugh people are ridiculous . I'm just gonna start saying things to make people feel uncomfortable . I don't even care anymore .

sammyl1221 · March 2016

@hbomb513 WOW!!! Can I just say seeing this just made me feel 100% better. Sometimes it gets so lonely feeling this way. Of course DH can sympathize, but at the end of the day they aren't the ones feeling the emptiness and heartache every time you get a BFN, or seeing all the swollen belly's and wondering why not me, or why EVERY month there is just a bit of hope that this is the month and then have it ripped out of you because there's no pregnancy, or hearing the news SOMEONE else is pregnant- sometimes when they definitely shouldn't be, or seeing all your friends being pregnant and being genuinely jealous of them. I have pulled back from a lot of my friendships because it's just too painful.

Why can't it just be us? Why isn't it our time?
OMG AND IF I HAVE TO HEAR "everything happens for a reason and when its your time it will happen!" one more time, I'll punch someone in the face. Seriously don't tell me that sh*t.

But I keep telling myself I am not alone. We are all on the same journey and when it FINALLY happens we will appreciate it SOOO much more.

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@mskeenan Make 'em squirm!

BecauseLove · March 2016

hbomb513 I spent the whole first year being like if I get pregnant this month I won't be able to do x thing or x date might not work. I am sure my family got super super super tired of hearing me say it. So I have totally stopped saying it out loud at least lol. We are going to Europe this spring and I really was only able to book tickets after I was sure it was unlikely (or that I would be in an early term). Glad we planned Europe though rather than our usual Mexico trip with the zika stuff.

Pretty sure both my sister in laws thought I was going to be prego in their weddings and both weddings passed and no go.

To think when I started this process I thought I might be able to try for a certain month due date. Now I am just like lets make this thing work... if we can get prego...whenever a baby would be born we would just make it work.

BecauseLove · March 2016

Thanks Ladies for sharing your frustrations...makes me feel less crazy.

This week I am extra irritated about the new med symptoms... currently I am living in my own little bubble of sour stomach and acid re-flux stuff which I have never had before...on top of the Met having to go to the bathroom all the time.

Also getting on the stupid scale this morning after walking all weekend at a work event and having somehow gained like 7 pounds...when I am trying to lose some weight because of TTC.

Or the almost consuming fear that when I get an ultrasound this week after having to drive forever to get to the appointment that lasts like 5 mins...that my follies wont be big enough to trigger and get an IUI.

But possibly the most infuriating is the stupid pee sticks that never ever freaking ever have a positive on them unless drug induced and not valid or the OPK sticks that constantly have a super faint line on them...but never get darker.

PurplePumpernickel · March 2016

@BecauseLove I remember starting out and thinking how "perfect" it would be to get pregnant a certain month, because then the baby would be born on X date. I'm sorry about your new symptoms. Sending you good thoughts for Monday!

calfherder · March 2016

Yes to all of this. I think I'm mostly tired of all the waiting. This time between ivf cycles is brutal. I thought it would be a good month off from TTC but all I can think about it starting our next cycle.
My H told his grandma that we were going to ttc (we'd been married 9 years by then so I think everyone assumed we didn't want kids). Every time I see her she looks at my stomach like "wink wink". Sorry grandma, nothing cooking in this oven.

@dragonfaerie That's a good answer! "oh, about 9 months after I get pregnant."

dragonfaerie · March 2016

Oh man @calfherder that's gotta be hard.
@PurplePumpernickel Yes, I still catch myself doing that. "Oh, if we have our cycle here, then we'll be PG by Mother's Day/your mom's birthday/Christmas/etc..." It's heartbreaking when you realize you won't be there, but you can't stop yourself from doing it.

Stars2016 · March 2016

I'm definitely tired of it all! It is so emotionally draining to go through this process. I'm tired of getting let down month after month, while friends and co-workers are getting pregnant all around me. I'm tired of RE appointments, medications, and bloodwork. I'm tired of feeling like I'm letting our families down when they keep hinting how much they want grandchildren. I am just so incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband and know that it will all be worth it in the end.

hbomb513 · March 2016

@BecauseLoveand @PurplePumpernickelI know right! "If I get pregnant this month, we can tell your mom when she's here for Easter!"...."if I get pregnant this month, we'll have a Christmas baby!"...and nope after nope after nope. I swear those damned pee sticks hate me. I've never seen a positive one.
@Stars2016My feelings exactly. I'm thankful for my DH too...I'm particularly grateful for his "we'll do whatever we have to do for a baby" sentiment just today. It revved me up.
Someday I'll write a "Aren't you all so THANKFUL?!" post, lol...

Griffin5413 · March 2016

@hbomb513 - it's the hardest thing when we keep trying not to get our hopes up but that's obviously easier said than done. Every time we get our hopes us even when we don't want to! I've taken to looking up IVF humor pics or ecards so I can try to laugh through the process b/c sometimes that's all you can do. I love the one that says, no little girl ever dreams of going through infertility. People who have never experienced it, just don't get it. I tend to be an overly positive person and there have been some times in the last 2 years that I have to fake it until I make it. LOL.
I've had to learn how to be specific about what I need from people. There are some days when if I say the sky is orange, I just want the people around me to agree that it it is orange. Even if it's not rational, that's what I need at that moment then that's what I need. I think I'm lucky b/c my family has been really supportive so when I tell them exactly what I need on a given day, they really do make an effort.

lrynwnab · March 2016

This is a great thread, thanks ladies. I'll add my pet peeve: co-workers who make comments that I get to do things like go to movies or go out to dinner/travel because I don't have kids. The last few comments have felt like a stab in the heart. And further motivated me that if I do ever have a kid, I will still do those things

The time waiting to start the next IVF cycle, I just feel numb. At least during stims I feel like I'm working toward something.

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@lrynwnab Yes, seriously, I hate that mindset others have of "must be nice to not have kids, you can do whatever you want without a babysitter, etc." That's why I've been so open about my journey. I don't want to get angry at people for flippant comments they make when they don't know what's going on. I'm sorry that you have had so many delays, FX that this round goes well for you!!

mamma1614 · March 2016

I'm tired of all the same things you listed. I'm tired of people asking when are we thinking about the next one or if I'm pregnant and I'm tired of other moms saying I have it easy because I have just one kid, but they say it in a way as if they're "complaining" but really with a smile because they actually love it. Or they are too busy for you because they have multiple kids, so they have a better excuse. I'm not part of the "multiple kids club". That's a whole other club you don't even know about until after you have one. It never ends. Yeah, I'm tired.

hbomb513 · March 2016

@mamma1614Lord, there's a multiple kids club?! It really never ends! I'm at the age where most friends either have kids, or they're out clubbing and hanging out with their roommates. I fall into neither group, so I think it's contributing to my sense of loneliness lately.

@dragonfaerieand @lrynwnab- I get that crap all the time. And it pisses me off. Like, a movie night is supposed to fill the void of having children?! I know they don't mean it to be patronizing, but it's very insensitive. Although I will say, everytime I lay down for an uninterrupted nap I try to take a second to be grateful that I can do so!

yelllow22 · March 2016

@HBomb25 When i read the title of this thread i knew it would be a popular one, YES i am tired!!! of everything you all have mentioned.
We decided not to tell our family about our struggles and IVF because we know how ignorant they can be. My mom has been asking for grand kids before i was even married! My aunt who is like a mother to me has said so many times that the problem with women today is that they focus on their careers and then when they do want kids it's too late.. Well i'm sorry i went to school and then got married, trust me i would have liked to get married sooner but it happened when it happened and we started TTC 1 year after we got married, it is not my fault to have fertility issues! I told my 4 closest friends and of course got the "just relax" from some. i swear i want to punch them in the face lol . And i'm tired of walking into the Dr's office where i feel 100 people have seen my vagina about 100 times!
But It's all worth it !!! And thank God for this group, i have never in my life felt so connected to people i have never met!
Cheers to bitching, lol We deserve it!

MrsM00re87 · March 2016

I'd like to add...
I work at a hospital where they have to announce a new baby's birth with a nursing rhyme played over the PA.
As sweet, tender and awe provoking... every time they play it I feel my heart gouged out my chest... followed by the most obnoxious eye roll known to man.
Oh, and when they play it twice - people just have to say "oh does that mean it twins?"... and I have to think to myself yes every day at the hospital there are twins born at this hospital... morons...

I turn into a really nasty person, thanks to what is supposed to be a lovely childhood nursing rhyme.

Oh, and the girls night with girlfriends with children turns into continuous conversations about breastfeeding, when to have another baby, showing pics of their kids... ugh!!!! Talk about not being able to fit in or relate. Beyond
depressing! I need to make some childless friends!!! That's what I really need right now. Ugh!

mamma1614 · March 2016

@ hbomb513 oh yes, you read correctly- "multiple kids club". Ive never heard anybody call it that, but that's what it felt like to me. First time I went to a mommy and me class, I went in thinking oh... We are gonna make lots of new friends this way. Uh uh.... Not so fast, you go in those groups- almost all the moms there have more than one kid, they are already in their own click, and they know eachother already from doing stuff with their older kids. They have so much more in common and have totally different complaints. so I was automatically out. I didn't it mind back then as much and tried my best to be friendly. I ended up making a couple of friends that had only one kid too. At the time we made friends that is. Now they already had their second kid, they are moving on to the next level I guess. They are much busier and go to more activities now the the younger ones. So it feels like I'm left behind. It doesn't feel very good. The worst is when people tell you " oh, you have only one?" And then the look at him and the fake smile, then the slow nod. I'm like yes! One! Just this one! I love my one! He's the best! One isn't enough?!?

BecauseLove · March 2016

My rant from the weekend...was that my sister in law is prego and my mom finally got the ok to tell family...right before she went on vacation with out cell reception...and she did it by texting some family "guess who is pregnant"...mind you most of the family knows I have been TTC so I got my first phone call the other day with someone asking how I was feeling..and I was like why? Of course they thought I was the bfp...

hit my head against a wall.

LeanneB82 · March 2016

Yes yes and yes to everything you said! We started trying as soon as we got married because I was 31 and hubby was 34. After 15 months of positive OPKs every month and BFNs every month, we went to the RE. Hubby checked out perfect and my AMH was low. We only did 1 IUI and then skipped straight to IVF and are in the middle of the first cycle with frozen transfer planned for next month.

My MIL would never make outright comments but she would say things like "when you have a baby" all the time to me. We finally decided to come clean after the failed IUI with both our parents and sadly my MIL has been so much more supportive than my own mom.

The absolute worst was a coworker who asked me about starting a family and when I said "we're working on it" he responded with "It will all work out the way it's supposed to, whether you have a baby or not." I wanted to punch him in the face!

hbomb513 · March 2016

@BecauseLoveGirl. That is SO not okay! Is a little sensitivity too much to ask sometimes?? Didn't she think that people might think it was you if she said that? I'm so sorry.

@LeanneB82I hate it when people say that trite shit to me. What's wrong with a nice, "wish you the best, good luck!" Sheesh.

Griffin5413 · March 2016

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/mt/nf3jtk3hr1rh.jpg

@LeanneB82 I hate when people tell us just to relax or it will happen when you least expect it. I get that they are probably uncomfortable with the topic and trying to say something encouraging but those 2 things are not helpful.

LeanneB82 · March 2016

@Griffin5413 I love that ecard!

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