Being unfair?

PurpleBrunette · March 2016

My husband is the oldest of three. His younger brother J and wife (C) had the first grandchild in mid-Jan. My husband's youngest sibling, a sister K, refused to keep her trap shut about anything (a life long trend, btw). As soon as J told her anything she was blabbing about it on fb. This resulted in my husband and I finding out not only the sex of the baby from fb, even as J is calling us back because we missed the first call, and again finding out that C was in labor from fb because J happened to call K first. J&C were always mad that she stole their thunder, not just to us, but to the grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins/close friends/etc. She even posted the 20 week U/S first on fb before either parent could and then she thought J&C and us were over-reacting when we were all mad about it.

Now that we are expecting our first child, we have decided that K will be told anything dead last, as in right before we post on fb ourselves. She can't be trusted to keep a secret and it's our news to share. However, some people think we are being unfair by withholding from K for so long and we know that once K finds out that she was dead last, she's going to be furious.

Thoughts?

TrulyBlessed22 · March 2016

Obviously everyone will have their own opinion on this but I agree with you. I would be furious. In fact, I was very clear with everyone when it came to DD being born that no one was to share her birth announcement until we had already done so. Your child, your rules.

RiverSong15 · March 2016

I agree with you. This is your news to share how, when, and with whom you want. No one else gets a vote, this is not Survivor.

SunshineJar · March 2016

You're right, it's your baby, your privacy and your decision. Noone else's.

aquasocks · March 2016

If I were you, not only would I tell her last, but I would EXPLICTY tell her (so she has no excuses and can't play dumb) "Please don't tell anyone or post on social media. We are so excited and we would like to share the news ourselves. We are so grateful that you understand that this is important to us. Our little secret!" If she acts offended, just say you told everyone that "just in case!"

GreenEyedUnicorn · March 2016

Too fucking bad for her. If she could learn how to grow up and not run her mouth, it wouldn't be an issue. Since clearly that isn't the case, she can only be mad at herself.

whaat · March 2016

You're right. If she asks why she's finding out last (she will), tell her what you told us here. Say that you know she's just happy for everyone, but it's not her news. I think she needs to keep hearing it.

talkthewholetime · March 2016

I think your thoughts are completely valid. She made her own bed, IMO....

BelcherEars · March 2016

This is your life, your body, your child. You set the rules and dictate how things are handled. Not your SIL. If she is too childish and selfish to consider how her actions affect others (or even care when you've fully explained this to her), then she is going to be treated as a selfish child. Anyone who gets angry that you've set boundaries because of their poor behavior needs a healthy dose of reality.

LikeICantEven · March 2016

What they all said ^^^

Please don't let any anxiety or guilt take over your worrying about this. Your rationale is perfectly that, rational. Your husband has your back, your in laws have your back, it's all good. Don't let the "what if she's ..." get to you.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · March 2016

Remember: it is not your responsibility to make her happy and if she can't accept your decision, tough cookies. She can go act like a spoiled brat if she wants, but preventing that isn't your responsibility.

This is a very good thing to remember once you have the baby. While it's different family to family, I found myself going way outside of my own comfort zone to make other people happy once my first was born, and I wish I hadn't. (Not saying this'd be the case for you, just expressing my own experience.)

DunkinDecaf · March 2016

You're definitely making the right call. If she throws a tantrum, so be it. She'll still be hearing the news from you personally before it'a on social media, which is something she took away from lots of her relatives when your niece/nephew was born.

sweetlyuntied · March 2016

It's your baby and your pregnancy and therefore you have the right to reveal information (or not) whenever you feel it's best. I'm all for finding a way to involve and include friends and family, but ultimately, you need to do what's best for your little family.

TheBorg7of9 · March 2016

You don't have to tell anyone anything. But if I were keeping a secret from one, I would keep it a secret from all. Also, try not to add to the drama with your own dramatics. None of this is really a big deal.

GraceUponGrace09 · March 2016

I can understand and totally agree with you! When we were expecting our first, we specifically told my in laws that it wasn't out yet and we'd let them know when they could share the news. A few days later when I went to tell my BFF, she already knew because they told some of their friends and word was getting out. Needless to say, I was furious!

jarethinafrock · March 2016

TheBorg7of9 said:

You don't have to tell anyone anything. But if I were keeping a secret from one, I would keep it a secret from all. Also, try not to add to the drama with your own dramatics. None of this is really a big deal.

This.

nibu · March 2016

Life isn't fair. Maybe it's time to learn that her actions have consequences - as in if you're going to be confided in and break that confidentiality you may not be confided in again. To me it's a non-issue. She has no right to know so she shouldn't have any expectation. I'd probably tell her right after posting to facebook and if she cried about it I'd tell her why! Although probably she wouldn't comprehend because she sounds like a very selfish little girl. I'm probably a little more frank (some may say heartless I suppose) than most though!

atcwag · March 2016

I agree with you. I'm usually a "share everything" person, but there will be VERY few people we will share this pregnancy with until after first tri (or maybe a little before since it will be Mother's Day, depending on how we feel).
How do you plan on sharing? Via phone or in person or email? Maybe don't make her "dead last", just everyone at the same time (or a few select people before) and then a "public" announcement.
With DS, a coworker of my husband (we're from a small town and went to the same high school, so lots of the same friend circle) posted on FB when I went into labor because she saw DH leaving work. REALLY?!?! Not your story to tell!

Oakleypoozles · March 2016

I think that people are entitled to be who they are and when a characteristic/action upsets someone that, that someone has the right to deal with it however they feel is reasonable as long as they are doing so with kindness in their heart. So where J&C are concerned I think that they had the right to handle that however brought them peace. Where you are concerned I think you have some clear insight as to how things might go if you were to tell K first. That being said , if you have the desire to tell people yourself and would be upset with K's sharing then it makes sense to tell her last. I do not think that you have to explain or defend your choice there.

I would like to mention though, I don't want to speak outwardly negative about K. I don't feel like K has done anything awful. I think she should continue to be respected and not chastised, by you guys anyway. These things are a matter of preference and people just handle things differently. It's easy to see things from all sides. Though it's totally understandable you want to get to personally share your news with people it's also easy to see how excited K is and that she likes to share things. I don't feel that it makes her wrong. I don't see the conflict as a bad or good issue. It's just a preference and you can prefer and handle that however you like. Just be respectful and careful with how you do it.

As long as you are careful with what you say and how, it shouldn't really be a big conflict. The key is to be clear and concise if you say anything at all at any time. You should be clear that you care for K if you must talk to her but you made a decision and it's not negotiable and that it's also not personal. That you have chosen to be the one to announce these things and you have a list and are following it. If you leave an opening for arguing it will escalate and there will be hurt feelings.

pinnerk · March 2016

Sounds just like my friend! She told all of us about a mutual friend being pregnant when said friend asked it to be kept quiet.
Anyways, I do not blame you at ALL for telling her last. She did it to herself. !!

SRJR2013 · March 2016

I would be tempted to let her find out on Facebook... Because I am hormonal and I bit snappy. But at the very least I'd tell her last. I wish I was a better person like @oakleypoozles I mean I agree with everything you said, but I probably wouldn't be able to keep my sh*t together

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