What have you gained?

halips · March 2016

Long story short, my bf told me yesterday that she is not only pregnant, but expecting twins. They just started trying in the end of January. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster after hearing this. I'm so happy for her, but felt like I had been gut punched at the same time. I spent part of last night being sad, angry and frustrated and then spent the other part trying to think of positive things I have gained during this process. I needed that silver lining so badly.

With all of the frustration, sadness, anguish and disappointment we go through during this journey, we need to hear positives sometimes and not just BFPs, even though those are amazing!

Tell me, what have you gained during this process? I've for sure gained patience. With all the waiting, it was inevitable! I think I have also gained more compassion and understanding for others and their struggles. I've also gained so many wonderful new friends by being on this board. I'm so thankful for each of these things and I know I am a better person because of this experience.

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@halips What a great response to this process!

I have definitely gained patience, and I feel that my faith is stronger because I believe that God is in control of this, and He doesn't make mistakes. Compassion for sure, and knowledge that I can maybe help other women through this. I have gained a greater appreciation for my DH who has been with me all the way.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

@halips I agree with everything you said. I'd like to add that I've really gained the ability to focus on all that I have to be thankful for, my marriage being at the top of the list. On those days where I find myself wishing so hard that I had a baby at this point in my life, I remind myself of all the women out there who want nothing more than a loving husband, and I consider myself lucky. Even though this has been such a struggle, I know that we can get through anything together.

AandDM2014 · March 2016

I definitely have more love for my DH since we started all this. He works a pretty busy job with unpredictable hours (he generally works at home, so has access to his work computer 24/7) but never once complained about making sure he was able to go to the important appointments (he didn't go to every blood draw or U/S, but he was there for the major ones). He is lucky to have an understanding boss and coworkers, and I'm very lucky that he does.

I've also gained, oh, what's the word.... I'm in awe of women who can and do do multiple rounds of fresh IVF a year. I'm at the point where I'm one and done. Whatever we get from our snowflakes is it, even if it means only one child. I can't imagine injecting that many hormones and doing that many retrievals and transfers.

I too have loads of compassion for other ladies who have to go through this. It is not easy being infertile, especially in a world where it is frowned upon if you can't reproduce naturally.

halips · March 2016

@wifeinraleigh28 I complete agree with you! I'm so thankful for a loving, support DH and know that whatever life brings us, he'll be by my side.

I love reading these responses. Making my day so happy!

calfherder · March 2016

I've made some new friends. I've gained the understanding that you never know what someone else is going through. I'm more appreciative of my husband, he has been so supportive and encouraging.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

Closer relationship with my husband. We were already close, but now there is nothing I would not say to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

Compassion for others. I first noticed this in the waiting room of my RE's office, knowing that we're all on these journeys, and it's certainly on these boards, too.

The knowledge that I am tougher than I ever thought, and whatever comes at me, I will get through it one way or the other. It may change me, but I am strong.

LizzieJ13 · March 2016

At first I thought this was a question about weight - LOL! Definitely have gained some of that.

But I like this a lot. For me, I have gained humility in the past few months. All the invasive doctors appointments, having a body that won't cooperate, not having the perfect little family I envisioned... all a big hit to my pride which I realize is something I struggle with. And definitely gained a lot of appreciate for my husband.

Tulips29 · March 2016

I also though this is about weight lol. I think I just keep gaining while I'm trying to lose it!

I definitely gained a lot of compassion and understanding through this process. I never imagined there are so many women (couples) in my position. I gained so much respect for anyone going through infertility struggles. We're warriors and just shows that we can handle anything. I gained patience, even though I keep saying I'm impatient waiting for the next step in the process. Last but not least, I definitely gained a new level of love for my husband. He has seen me cry, freak out, vent and be a raging, hormonal bitch to him. He has managed to stay cool, calm and collected because he knows that's what will help me. He has calmed me down each time and joked in the process that he can't wait to see the hormonal craziness that will come out of me once I start injections this go-around. He has chased me around the house with that trigger shot. I don't think anyone else would put up with me through all this.

tvh1982 · March 2016

I gained patience, as I never had any.
I gained the ability to be strong when that was all that was left.
I also gained to knowledge to know when strong wasn't an option and ask for help.
I gained knowledge about myself, I really got to know me and what I want.
I gained new friendships, this board is amazing.
I gained appreciation of other things and people in my life.
I gained trust and faith. Not a big believer, but boy have Him and I talked

lovecharmstar · March 2016

Infertility is a hard subject to discuss or even process. The different emotions that you are experiencing on your journey are normal. There are other women who are experiencing the same emotions but are not brave enough to share them with others. This process will teach you patience, humility and will give you a new found appreciation and respect for women in your position.

dreamcatch-her · March 2016

I gained a stronger relationship with DH. He's been so supportive through this whole process, it really shows me a beautiful side to him.

I've definitely gained control over my emotions, small things don't bother me as much anymore, and with all the hormones we are putting into our bodies, it's hard not to learn to control yourself.

Oh, and I've also gained 50 pounds!!
lol

oxinfree · March 2016

I think the biggest thing I've gained is perspective.
We (humankind) are all just people trying to live our lives to our full potential, and each and every one of us experiences struggles in some aspect of that life. At different times, in different areas maybe, but we all struggle...

I'm sure we've all fielded the "So when are you two having kids?" question.
This only amplified when my dh and I moved to the states where I couldn't work. My DH was met with support of "well just get the wife pregnant, then she doesn't have to worry about a job" ... if only it were that easy.

So I've learned that to pry and make assumptions is wrong. I've learned not to ask that couple that has been together 10 years "when are you two getting married" - maybe they don't believe in marriage... maybe they disagree and it's a source of conflict... maybe they're on the verge of a breakup... you just don't know what anyone else is going through.
I might ask instead, is marriage something you two have discussed or are interested in? But that is reserved only for close friends. If acquaintances don't bring it up, neither will I. Privacy and respect for it go a long way!!!

Same thing goes for posts on Facebook. As an infertile, my feed being filled with incessant pregnancy announcements, bumps (and the monthly growth updates) and baby photos is hurtful. I love my friends and want to follow their lives, but it can be a lot to take. So I have a new sensitivity surrounding this. We tend to share the best of our lives, but not the worst, and it can create a sense of longing and aloneness. I won't be one to "baby spam" my friends' feeds that's for sure, but I'm also sensitive to the fact that I have single friends who would give anything just to be in a happy relationship like me. So I don't post the beautiful romantic things my DH does all the time. If my friends want to ask what DH did for our anniversary I'll gladly tell them, but I don't need to throw my success in anyone else's face. I just sit with gratitude, and that has become enough for me!

wow... long rant. okay i'm done haha.

em01092 · March 2016

Ditto to everything already said. I am kind of a control freak so this process has taught me that yes you can be informed/educated and hands on about your infertility treatments and chances, but you are never promised a baby. Not having a child by now has made me appreciate some things that would've been more difficult to do (if not impossible for us) such as traveling.I have also been able to provide financially and emotionally for my little brother (15) and sister (8), which I don't know if I could have done money and/or time wise with a child. Sometimes I sit back and think, man ok maybe this is all happening for a reason. I'm not super religious (not to knock anyone who is) but I definitely believe in a higher power and a "bigger purpose" for my life. I try to see the silver lining in any situation, especially this.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

@oxinfree - I love everything you wrote, but what resonated with me the most was what you said about Facebook. I stopped going on Facebook in December because I was too hurt by all the pregnancy announcements, baby pics, etc on my news feed. And I made the decision that when/if I get a BFP, an announcement on Facebook is going to be the last thing I would ever do. Why would I participate in something that has hurt me so much? To do so would be hypocritical of me. Like you, I also don't post things about my relationship out of respect for anyone who might be hurt by that. As I'm writing this, I'm actually realizing just how much I dislike the whole concept of Facebook. Being away from it has been so nice, and relieving.

riveridgional · March 2016

I came across this on pinterest and it really helped me on bad days. It dives into what we gain during this process. warning, though, I still can't get through it without tearing up a little. I think it's beautiful and I hope it helps you too!

takethelongway · March 2016

I've gained hope. So much hope it's overflowing. Even though this process has been long and heartbreaking, I have so much hope for a forever baby. I have also just become a more positive person overall, which is the opposite of what I thought would happen. DH and I are also so much closer.

AandDM2014 · March 2016

@riveridgional oh the feels from that post! Love it so much! I totally agree with the message.

tvh1982 · March 2016

Tears are running here @riveridgional! Thanx for sharing!

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