Intimacy with your SO

esscapelle · February 2016

So my DH & I have had sex once so far since having DS, and it wasn't enjoyable at all for me. I was nervous (3rd degree tear victim here) and it did end up being uncomfortable and left me sore for a while after. Since then I've been scared to try again, and I just got back on BC so I told my DH we need to use condoms til the BC is well established. My DH now thinks I don't want to be intimate and that we've lost our spark as a couple. It has me in tears just thinking about it. I love my DH so much, but I am just nervous and I don't feel sexy whatsoever these days. I just don't have the drive I used to have.

My question for you all is: how are you keeping the intimacy/spark alive with your SO's? How do you move past the nervousness and lack of confidence? Does it ever get better, or do I have to force myself back into the swing of things?!

Court11152325 · February 2016

We don't have quite the same dynamic, but we haven't had sex yet at all. Instead we do other things... BJs and mutual masturbation. Still being intimate, but don't have to worry about penetration per se. I wear a tank top and blame the boobs, but he's been good about reassuring me.

ETA: I'm not doing things I don't want to do. If you aren't comfortable, don't force things!

yl1m32015 · February 2016

You just had a baby. It's normal for it to take awhile for hormones to even out. Its normal for it to take a few times to feel comfortable being intimate again. Be kind and patient with yourself.

LaceyH13 · February 2016

yl1m32015 said:

You just had a baby. It's normal for it to take awhile for hormones to even out. Its normal for it to take a few times to feel comfortable being intimate again. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Definitely this. It's awfully soon for either of you to think your relationship is permanently harmed.

amye02 · February 2016

yl1m32015 said:

You just had a baby. It's normal for it to take awhile for hormones to even out. Its normal for it to take a few times to feel comfortable being intimate again. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Agree 100%. I had a section but when we tried it was so uncomfortable, even painful.

missaero · February 2016

6 weeks PP here and we've not tried it yet. It's been quite a while since it got too uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy. DH has been asking when we can get jiggy again and honestly I just don't feel like it right now.

misamima · February 2016

DH, meet your hand.

You're welcome.

ammnam14 · February 2016

We flirt with each other. I know how juvenile that sounds, but it works. That's the only way we have been keeping the spark alive. DH knows how self conscious I am right now so I keep my tank top on during. Definitely helps my self esteem. It'll get better, please dont force yourself!

Mizuiro007 · February 2016

I had second degree tearing with DS but it was diagonal and went into my thigh crease which felt bad enough. Hubby didn't push me to try things until I was ready and that wasn't for a while until after I could at least sit comfortably. He was born in October, we didn't try until March. It was painful so we followed tips I'd read on using plenty of lube, don't skimp foreplay, go slow, girl on tip so you have control over speed and depth. It did get better though and for a while oddly helped the pain. I think it was massaging the scar tissue and helping it feel better.

Of course since I conceived two weeks after we started having sex again and had been using condoms hubby has admitted he's afraid to touch me now for fear of risking a third too soon. So he sleeps in the living room because of his back (he says) and I sleep in the bedroom with DD. We get busy and don't even cuddle or hold hands like we used to and honestly it's pretty frigging lonely and not helping my self esteem in the least.

@misamima Rosy Palm and her five sisters.

thatgirlree24 · February 2016

My sex drive has been super low since having LO. I've had sex three times now and have only enjoyed it once and the last time I ended up being sore. I had an episiotomy with second son and 2nd degree tear this time around & things "down there" feel different as well.

laurabwalker · February 2016

Okay the waiting period of 6 weeks is only for the "minimum" amount of healing time. If you had a third degree tear that takes more time, plus all the hormonal issues, it will take a few months to work itself out. If you explain this will he understand better? I wouldn't dream of having sex nor do I want to but my husband is totally okay with that for now, he knows what happened in that birthing suite.

dec15mum · February 2016

I'm in the same position, according to the doctor there's a "chunk missing" from there and it'll never look the same (literally minutes after birth, such a nice pick me up!!)
We had sex once and I was too tense and scared to enjoy and I don't want to do it again. SO is upset but understands that the lady bits went through quite a trauma.
Do basically assure your husband that you love him still but needs to respect your wishes until you're ready

kdoak2015 · February 2016

DH and I just tried last week 8 weeks pp it wasn't bad at all. Totally mind over matter. Lots of lube and go slow. It wasn't overly romantic as we rushed through it while DD was asleep but I wanted to give it a go.

merbear32 · February 2016

I was nervous that I'd be cleared for sex during my appointment yesterday ( I'm not ready) so I discussed it with DH ahead of time. He was very cool about it and said he can wait until I'm ready but I still felt like a crappy wife. Well I was worried for nothing because MD said I still need to wait a week to two weeks. I feel bit relieved because now there is a good excuse.

thatgirlree24 · February 2016

So I commented too soon. SO and I had sex last night and it was awesome. Granted I don't have my sex drive completely back but it felt really good. Also I'm 8wks pp so maybe that's why, not sure

chelsea7611 · March 2016

Ahh 12 weeks pp and we still haven't! I had an episiotomy and stitches took awhile to heal.. soo scared it's gonna be Hella painfull. Luckily fiance is super tired from work seen as he leaves 5.30am and home at 7pm.. he totally understands though and I tell him everything about "downthere" and how it feels etc.
1st baby I tore, 2nd was the episiotomy and was cut to the side (ish) (if that makes any difference)

Anyone else had an episiotomy and had sex will it feeling okay ?

preggoandglowing · March 2016

chelsea7611 said:

Ahh 12 weeks pp and we still haven't! I had an episiotomy and stitches took awhile to heal.. soo scared it's gonna be Hella painfull. Luckily fiance is super tired from work seen as he leaves 5.30am and home at 7pm.. he totally understands though and I tell him everything about "downthere" and how it feels etc.
1st baby I tore, 2nd was the episiotomy and was cut to the side (ish) (if that makes any difference)

Anyone else had an episiotomy and had sex will it feeling okay ?

I'm in the same boat, also 12 weeks post 2nd degree tear and haven't even come close to attempting the deed. I'm probably one of the few who's DH has a low sex drive? So he hasn't even brought it up thankfully. We flirt here and there and I always tell him "me and you, tonight" but then life goes on lol. It's pretty much going to be up to me when I'm ready so who knows how long that'll be. I'm too chicken to try anything still.

chelsea7611 · March 2016

Exactly the same here. Just whenever I'm ready lol God knows when that will be.
Also there's like an extra piece of skin TMI.. and I still need to. Go to the doc about it but so over showing my ladybits hahaha

BethP321 · March 2016

Same boat as the OP. The first time we tried it, it was pretty uncomfortable and I started bleeding for a few weeks so I was spared of having to attempt it again (thankfully) but the second attempt was even worse than the first. Even the doctor made a little joke that she stitched me up a little too well so sex might be a little uncomfortable. A little??!! I feel so bad for hubby, but then again I don't feel any remorse at all. I just hope my lady parts go back to somewhat normal soon.

momotheflyinglemur · March 2016

One of the PP mentioned flirting. Me and Hubs flirt all the time. When I am wearing a skirt and he picks me up I "flag" him down and we make out in the car like teenagers. We please each other in other ways. For me sometimes backrubs are enough for now. The first few times we tried, I panicked and the deed ended half way done and in tears. Finally, my bestie told me about the lube called Pink water and we have been using that since and it makes doing it completely pressure-less (because it wasn't really pain, there was just a lot of pressure and dryness in the areas that are still kinda healing.)

laurabwalker · March 2016

It's interesting, I have to do pelvic floor Physio (thanks forceps!) and the Physio told me that at 3 months pp estrogen is at its lowest point, and most women try for the first time around it, which makes it the most difficult, good news estrogen starts to come back up after this

*for BF moms

theawc42 · March 2016

I also had 3rd degree vaginal and rectal tear. First time was tried was aweful and I bled so we stopped . We used dildos of various sizes to work my way up ... You could try that or various different toys. Even now we still have to go slow and it's been a month in a half. You'll grt there though but you are going it have to force yourself to not be afraid to try different things until your completely comfortable with the main event.

ammnam14 · March 2016

I'm sorry but no one should have to "force yourself to not be afraid to try different things". When you are ready give it a shot, but please don't force yourself until then.

celainev · March 2016

Yea please don't force yourself into anything......

DH and I had sex only a handful of times during pregnancy, and have tried once post partum. Turns out I still had a stitch and it hurt for days after.... I learned my lesson. If you don't feel 100% healed, don't do it. There are other ways we can feel intimate.

Besides sexual activities, my DH and I are both eating very healthy and spending a lot of time outside/walking. This is going to sound strange, but it has definitely helped us feel more intimate with eachother. We are both happy with what we are doing, and getting out of the flipping house that smells like formula and diapers means we can talk about other things! Find beauty in the world outside of our family!
We also go out on dates and act as if we have just started dating. We went to a pool hall and I pretended like I sucked at pool and he had to teach me. He actually didn't know that I was pretty good at pool! It was so cute and romantic and I'll cherish the memory! Find your spark again! But I repeat, do not force anything!!!!!

esscapelle · March 2016

OP update: my DH & I have had sex a few more times since my original post. It's getting better each time. I'm always on top so I can control the speed which helps. It does get better ladies.

theawc42 · March 2016

There's s difference between being mentally prepared and physically prepared. You are going to have to mentally take the next step in order to make progressions.

ammnam14 · March 2016

theawc42 said:

There's s difference between being mentally prepared and physically prepared. You are going to have to mentally take the next step in order to make progressions.

Not necessarily true for everyone but whatever works for you and your SO! Your comment about forcing just rubbed me the wrong way.

Peanut1128 · March 2016

I had a 4th degree tear after an episiotomy. I waited till 16weeks PP which I know is much longer than most. It actually felt fine and it was nice to have that connection again. When in doubt, use a lot of lube and have a good sense of humor about it.

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