WWYD Need advice regarding bullying NBR (Long)

ElleMF728 · March 2016

So background information is that I'm a SAHM so I like to put DS1 in classes and playgroups/dates so that he can learn how to play well with other kids etc. I've signed him up for a class which he absolutely loves and I love as well. I love the space, teaching methods, coaches, set up, basically everything about it.

However, we are having an issue with one of the other little boys in the class who seems to be picking on my little guy. The first week I kind of let it go because I thought I may have been overreacting to normal kid play, hovering, sensitive etc. I also thought DS1 may not be quite use to playing with so many kids and was a little overwhelmed. The second and third weeks were a little better, the little boys mom and dad were both there and were able to intervene in some of his behaviors but it was apparent that there was a problem. This week my mom went with us and the second we got into the car she pointed out the issue so I really don't think I'm overreacting. DS has never had a problem playing with other little kids, he loves little kids and gets along with everyone else in the class. In the past month this little boy has tackled him several times dragging him to the ground, pushed him so many times I've lost count, knocked him off of the gym equipment, taken balls and toys away from him (I know this isn't uncommon, my kid does this too but it seems like he singles A out to go after over and over again). This week DS was sitting across from me getting his shoes on and the little boy walked up behind him and kicked him in the back, we weren't playing, we weren't doing anything except getting ready to leave. I was so dumbfounded and shocked that I didn't even think to say anything until it was too late.

I'm getting pretty pissed off. This is supposed to be something special for DS1 and me without DS2, it is supposed to be fun so he can run, jump and play with other little kids. I'm spending $80.00 a month and I spend half my time hugging, wiping tears and actually removing my child (who is behaving) from class so that he can calm down. I don't blame the coach, we love him but he is busy helping kids, spotting them and so he misses a lot of whats going on. I know the parents are trying to correct the behavior but it isn't stopping and it is affecting our play. I don't want to have to spend the entire class hovering over him because I'm worried he is going to be hurt.

This class is offered on Saturdays as well. I prefer Thursdays because I like to do it during the week while DH is at work, DS has also really taken to his coach in the Thursday class as well as the other kids. However, if I have to I will switch him to Saturdays. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to privately talk to our coach and ask if the other little boy will be aged out into the next level or if he is signed up for the next session before we switch? Am I overreacting? He has played with lots of groups and they all played nicely together. Yes, there were incidents of taking toys and the occasional push but I've never seen them grab my child by the neck and yank him to the ground. Would you talk to the parents? My issue is that they are trying to deal with it but it just isn't sinking in quite yet so I'm not sure it will actually solve the problem. I'm sure he will eventually figure it out but in the meantime my kid is losing out on what should be a good experience. I'm worried he will stop wanting to go to class or even worse that he will become nervous to play with other little kids

AmandaNacora · March 2016

Wow. Well I don't think you should have to switch classes, I would A ) talk to the coach and let him know the other boy is intentionally hurting your son and you fear for his safety. B ) also say something to the parents, you can say you see them trying to correct him but that on Thursday their son purposely kicked your son and you don't want him getting hurt. I don't think your son will be nervous playing with other kids, but it is a safety issue. Your son or others could get seriously hurt one day. I saw two little boys playing yesterday they're pretty young and one pushed the other in a playful manner and the kid fell and hit his head, he needed stitches.

chelseajeanene · March 2016

I had this problem when I teaching and it's such an awkward situation to be in. Have the people in charge noticed his behavior and said anything? If not I would bring it to their attention and that way they can intervene with the other parents too. They may take it more seriously if it's coming from them and not another parent

aharders89 · March 2016

Wow! That's a tough situation and I definitely don't think you're over-reacting. If you and your son like that class and enjoy the other kids and teacher, I wouldn't want to move. Clearly it's the other child who has the issue. I'm sure his parents are working on it, but in the mean time he shouldn't be allowed to behave like that. I would definitely speak to the teacher and address your concerns. It's one thing if they were both participating and just generally rough-housing, but it sounds like it's one-sided and I wouldn't tolerate that at all. Taking toys is totally developmentally normal, but kicking another child in the back for no reason certainly isn't acceptable.

ETA- I would also probably talk to his parents about it too. I mean it's definitely going to be awkward, but I feel like if you go to the teacher and not them first, it might feel like "tattling." As childish as that sounds, people get upset over so many things now. That way they would see that you're addressing it with them and the teacher.

missliz53 · March 2016

I would definitely talk to the coach. I know you mentioned that the boy's parents are working on his behavior, but if he is this aggressive, it's pretty clear that he shouldn't be in that play group until he's a little more mature. It's possible that little boy can't handle being with that many kids, or needs a group that is less active and more structured for a while. And it's unacceptable that he is being allowed to target your son.

LouLouLove · March 2016

Yeah, I don't think you're overreacting. I would talk to the coach first and see if he can address it. Is he only targeting your son or is he a bit of a bully to everyone? Either way, it seems like if anyone should have to change classes, it should be the boy who's being aggressive. I'm glad the parents are trying to correct it, and I get that with little ones sometimes they don't listen, but I don't understand why they aren't removing him from the situation. If my DS1 was behaving that way and not listening we'd be leaving.

My DS1 is laid back and kind of passive so he already gets targeted a little, but nothing serious and just kid stuff. I kind of worry about issues like you're describing as he gets older though. I'd definitely speak up!

ZebraStripe · March 2016

Id be talking to the teacher. I also wouldn't hesitate to say something to the little boy if he does something to your son and your right there. I'd also probably talk to the parents too, if that boy was able to do that many things to your son including kicking him the back with your right there, the parents aren't doing a very good job supervising him.

ChristaG22 · March 2016

Ouch! That's hard on the heart strings and not fair to your boy. Here's the thing- it is a natural consequence that when I child does something wrong, he/she is spoken to. The problem is that we often allow the parent of that child to do the talking, as to avoid offending anyone, when it should come from the child effected or that child's parent. A reprimand by one's parent does not have the same clout. What I would recommend is speaking to this child yourself. Something simple "it is not ok to hit my child, do not do it again." No please, no thank you. A statement of fact- a direction- maybe even a direct order (gasp). If the child continued, I would be even more stern and ask the child to move away from my child. As a parent, I would be totally fine if another parent did this, in fact I often welcome it. It has a greater impact and I'm not going to have her think I will swoop into save her when she does something wrong. She will experience the natural consequence of wrongdoing. This is another mistake parents make. But- I would only do that until my child was old enough to do this for himself. I should add that you can talk to the parents about this before you do it, or you can just go ahead and do it- that's what I'd do. If the parent was offended, then too bad; you have a right to protect your child.

I would be talking to my son, when he was old enough, about approaches he might take. I've done this with my four year old daughter. She was having a problem at daycare. A group of three girls were bullying her. They would invite her to play and then be mean to her. Sometimes they would even invite her to play and then when she got there, tell her to leave. Of course I was fuming- so mad and upset for her. But I decided to give her a chance to try and handle it first. We tried a few approaches. First, she explained that it was hurting her feelings and that she didn't like it because she really wanted to be their friend. That didn't work, so next it was that she would tell them that she didn't like the way they were treating her, so she was going to go play somewhere else and she'd be happy to play with them again when they were being nice because that's how friends should be. That didn't work. So, finally I explained to her that you are not going to be friends with everyone and although I expect you to be kind to everyone and try to be a friend, in a case like this, she didn't have to be friends with these girls. She was allowed to tell them that she did not want to play with them anymore because they were not nice friends. They do all get along ok now. The last thing any parent wants is for their kid to be bullied! But it happens; I'm not sure there's a kid that will avoid it. We have to teach our kids how to stand up. Just a little inside scoop from a supervising teacher at a high school here, taking the hardline is almost always the only thing that will work- especially when kids turn into teens. I have every intention of telling my daughters to lay the knuckles to a bully if they've tried everything else first and it doesn't work. A five day suspension would be totally worth it. I often so wish I could tell struggling students and parents that. In most cases, when a victim finally has enough and goes after the bully, that's when it finally stops. Something to keep in mind for later

ChristaG22 · March 2016

@LouLouLove- I have to agree. If my child was acting like that we'd be long gone, but not until I reprimanded him right then and there. And there'd be a series consequences at home. Also, my child would be apologizing at some point.

ElleMF728 · March 2016

@ChristaGG22 I completely agree. We totally plan to teach DS this things but my problem right now is that he is too little to communicate those thoughts. I've been trying to show him to say "that's not nice!" but he still doesn't really get it. He is only 2 years old. I wish I had said something and DH also said that I should have directly spoken to the little boy, my mom was right there too and was so surprised that she didn't say anything either. It's a bit disconcerting because it seems to come out of nowhere like this afternoon in the lobby. They will be playing nicely together and then all of a sudden something will happen

@Louloulove He does act a little disruptive in the group but he is definitely targeting my son. I think it is because A is really social and so he tends to be "there" all the time in the middle of everything. His first instinct when we walk in the door is to rush to another kid and start playing. It makes him an easy target because he is usually running around playing and not staying near me.

I really appreciate all the advice. This is something that has been bothering me for a little while, I hate that what should be a fun treat is becoming a stressful situation. I think I'm going in and privately speak with our coach so he at least knows what is going on before I step in or make some changes. I'm also really happy to know that this doesn't seem like normal play, I didn't think it was but I also know I can be a bit one sided when it comes to my little ones. However, I have been watching him like a hawk since that first week and I can say 100% that he is not participating in this situation at all.

ChristaG22 · March 2016

Yes much too young at 2! Needs mamas help for sure! Best of luck.

jennahkross · March 2016

I would say something to the kid! Speak to him in a very firm voice, just like you would do if it were your child. I have had to do it before and it's not fun, but if it us interrupting your time with him, that's not fair to either one of you and it needs to stop!

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