Fertility Treatments and Working Full Time

PurplePumpernickel · March 2016

I'm really interested to hear the perspectives of anyone who went through fertility treatments, especially IVF, and worked full time. I'm wondering who was upfront with their boss, and who kept things vague.

I have a great relationship with my boss (she came to my house for Thanksgiving last year and has watched my dog, I've watched her dogs.) She knows about my cyst. But I also worry about pervasive attitudes towards parents and taking time off. I certainly have the time to take, and we're allowed to have doctor appointments during the workday if we miss two hours or less of work time (after that we need to take sick time).

So I'm just curious of who has told their co-workers and/or managers, and who is keeping things mum?

(Edited for spacing between paragraphs).

dragonfaerie · March 2016

Hello there! I'm in between my ER and my FET. I was upfront with my boss (who is a male) right away. I actually told him before many of our family members, because I knew that I would have lots of appointments that would be last minute and frequent. I don't go into a ton of details (he doesn't need to know that I'm cramping or bloated, lol) but I let him know it was a long process, I could potentially be in a rough place due to meds and the process, and I would do my best to give notice and not be gone too long. He has been very, very supportive, even encouraging me to take more time off if needed. He told me that whatever we needed to do, whether I work late to make up time or use sick time, he understands and we'll just work through it. He buys me coffee occasionally and today he was just like "oh, I didn't think about your treatments, are you okay to have caffeine?" It has been an IMMENSE blessing to have him so okay with everything, and to not have to "lie" about why I keep going to the doctor.
I also told everyone in our family and on Facebook because I didn't want to keep having to come up with answers about when we are having kids and why we have no time/money. Not everyone is comfortable or wants to tell everyone, but it has been really nice for us to be able to talk to folks and have support.

mtpbadger · March 2016

Hello!

I have done three IUI cycles and am starting to gear up for my first round of IVF. My boss isn't much of a "people person" and I have been very quiet about my situation. One of my workers just went through IVF and was very open with our boss but she wasn't very supportive so I decided to keep my mouth shut. Only the one coworker knows what I am going through. I was lucky, when I worked in the same office as my boss, my clinic was 2 blocks away and had super early appointments, so on occasion was 10-15 minutes late which was acceptable since most people use public transportation and there are ALWAYS issues. I now work at an outbased location and my boss isn't here so I feel like I have a little bit more flexibility if I need to arrive a little late or leave just a tad early to make an appointment. My boss knows I'm dealing with some health issues/testing but that is as much as I have told her and that it is not serious but may require last minute appointments. I rarely used sick time before this whole IF adventure so I have plenty to use.

em01092 · March 2016

My boss is not big on personal details, and I don't see him very often. Usually only 2 days a week at most. He knows I am going to doctor appointments because an alert pops up on his calendar, but that's it. I've been fairly open about my medical issues, aside from my TTC details and my mental health ( I have anxiety and see a therapist 2x/month). I work in a law firm, and one of the attorneys I support knows what's going on both TTC and mentally, as does one of my fellow paralegals. That's it. I feel like the fewer people in my business (at least for those issues) at work, the better. But that's just me, and the people I work with. In a different environment I could see myself being more open.

halips · March 2016

I was upfront with my boss about it, knowing I would need to miss some time from work. The down/upside of it, is that she then told HR who made me file FMLA. Upside, is that it protects me from being fired for missing too much time etc, downside is that I'm burning through time I will need once I actually am pregnant.

Another downside of me sharing the information was that my boss is a bit of a gossip/talker. So many people at work have approached me since we started with our RE last Feb. It's really frustrating to have no privacy now and have people saying things like "are you pregnant yet" or "it'll happen eventually". I was very angry that my news had been spread so casually around. When my last FET failed, I received the call at work and had to then sit through the knowing, sad faced, pathetic stares for the remainder of my day. This time, I took a vacation day for my beta test!

Yest another downside for me was that my boss is the mother of 4. I have to hear constantly from her now about how to parent, how easy it was for her to get pregnant, all the stories of what I should and shouldn't do,about how she only ever took 6 weeks off and still worked part time from home...blah blah blah!

I have had one positive from this though, I don't feel like I need to be cautious or hide anything. The acne I got from meds, the weight gain, the mood swings, it all had a reason that everyone knew about and I didn't have to make excuses for anything. That has been refreshing.

If I knew what i know now, I would have just went directly to HR and filed the FMLA. Then all my boss and coworkers would know is that I was out for "medical reasons" and not the specifics.

For some it works out well, if you have a great relationship with your boss, I'd tell her! Just be cautious!

radmom27 · March 2016

I'm a medical resident in a medium sized hospital. I haven't told anyone that I'm going through IVF only that I'm handling some health issues. My bosses are mostly all male and would have no idea what to do with the information. Secretly, I worry that some of my fellow male residents would judge me for taking all the hormones I have to take and attribute my mood to my hormones...it's kind of a fraternity type of climate. Some days when I've gotten bad news, I just go to the bathroom and cry and put on some makeup and go back to work. I try to make all of my monitoring appointments before work in the AM or I go during the lunch hour. For my two retrievals and three transfers, I did the transfers early in the AM and went back to work and took sick days for my two retrievals but was back to work the next day. Keeping this on the down low is doable but I the uncertainty of the whole process is really hard to work around at times.
@halips The gossip is one of the things I fear the most. I don't mind people talking about me, but I think their sympathy would push me over the edge.

mandasd · March 2016

My opinion is it's none of their business. If you have sick time/vacation time, use that. I have a bucket of "personal time" and I just tell me boss I have an appointment when I need to go to the Dr or need to get blood drawn. I plan to take a day or two off for retrieval and transfer. Luckily, I can request time off online through ADP as long as it's 24 hours in advance. As long as I am available by email or phone in case of emergencies then my boss doesn't need to know. I work at a mid sized company and we do share a lot of things but when it comes to family planning I don't think it's a good idea. I'm a manager and I don't ask questions when my employees need to take time off.

Tulips29 · March 2016

I haven't told anyone at work. My boss is very open about his personal business, but I can't bring myself up to saying, hey I'm going through IVF. My clinic is a 20 min walk from my office, so I go in at 7 am to make sure I'm not late to work. I plan to use sick time for my ER and transfer days and just saying I have a medical procedure the day of the ER and possibly working from home if I'm in pain after that. He's good with allowing us to work from home. I feel like the less people know, the better.

PCOSat25 · March 2016

Currently, I am super open with my situation at work. Then again I am pretty open in general. I personally hate that it is such a taboo subject. I could not tell you how many friends/acquaintances have approached me to talk about their own struggles only after I mentioned mine!!! There is SUCH a community of women out there and none of us know about each other!!! Anyway that is beside the point...

I only told my boses (both male) when my appointments became frequent enough to really impact my work schedule. I could tell that they noticed my frequent appointments. They both started making comments that they "hoped everything was ok". I knew they were worried and didn't want them to think I was SICK. Once I let them in on the situation I just started sharing everything. It is just easier for me.

Anyway I really think it comes down to your relationship with your boss. Like everything else on this journey it is a personal decision. Good luck!

msirni0 · March 2016

I work for the state of MD, and in order to not get dinged for undocumented sick time, I need a doctors note for every appt which sort of forced me to tell my boss. I've only been here a few months, so I was nervous about how he would react, but I feel better being open with him about it. He is extremely understanding, which also helps.

wifeinraleigh28 · March 2016

I've been debating this in my mind for some time now, but I'm leaning toward saying nothing about it. It's nobody's business at work. We're starting IVF now and I know that I'll be taking some time off (didn't have to take any time off at all for IUIs), but I'm just going to take the time that I need and be done with it. I feel like the less people who know what we're dealing with, the better. I like to go to work and not have to think about this stuff. And I know that if I opened up about it, it would trigger more for me in that environment.

Griffin5413 · March 2016

My boss and his wife have gone through this process with the same RE. He was the one who referred me to him. It's been really helpful actually that he knows we are in the process b/c he totally gets when I have to leave for an appointment. Luckily my RE is only a few miles away so I can pop out and back without too much hassle. My work also is pretty good about flex time so if my appointment is going to be a little longer, I can come in early or stay a little later. There have been like 3 other people in my office who have dealt with the same RE as well so it's almost been a bonding experience.

I think it's different for everyone but for so long people haven't talked about infertility. It's this taboo subject to the point where those of us going through it almost feel guilty about our feelings of frustration and disappointment. Especially when everyone around us is getting pregnant and having families. I say that as a pretty open person to begin with so for me, it's easier to talk about some of these things. I think if people know what I'm going through it helps them understand me a little more. Then again, its not like I'm shouting it all over Facebook either.

mwendell24 · March 2016

I thought I was the only one... crazy for being so open about it at work... I'm a classic extrovert, so talking about it helps me. Plus, like some PPs, I hate that there is such a stigma around IF, and I'd prefer to educate people about what it's really like. That said, I also know that I work in an environment where my colleagues and my boss would be supportive and be there for me. It sounds like you might be in a similarly positive situation, and I know for me it has been helpful to have people to talk to during the day, that way when my mind starts spinning I can get my thoughts out and then am more productive because I'm no longer obsessing with the thoughts in my head.

mamma1614 · March 2016

I think a lot of it depends on your relationship with your boss and how appropriate you feel it might be. Sounds like for you it is most likely fine.
My DH has told his boss. His boss always tells him about her personal life and is very open in General. He's been trying to come with me to all the important Dr. Visits. Like meeting with the surgeon and the first few appointments.
it came to the point where he had to tell his boss about it so she doesn't think something is wrong with one of us. She's been very understanding about it. At first we felt it wasn't right to tell anybody. It's hard not to share these things when it interferes so much with your daily life, and you see these people every day. Its very hard to keep everything mum. I wouldn't suggest however telling the entire office, but at least one or two people that really matter like your boss or manager that need to know why your taking off so much or why your always on the phone(usually on hold with the fertility office). They should understand.

2legbaby · March 2016

I was vague about the situation and just said that I was going through some health issues and would need to adjust my schedule some and that there would be a medical procedure which I may have short notice to let them know I would be off (I was only off one day for both retrievals). My boss was very supportive and didn't ask for more details about the situation, I think that if you aren't close to your boss on a personal level, there isn't any reason you have to tell him/her what the time off is for. I did tell my direct manager because I am a veterinarian and needed someone to know why there were certain things (anesthesia/xrays) that I couldn't do if I had actually gotten to transfer. I always hope that bosses would be understanding, but I know in the past when asked this question some of our ladies' bosses were down right unsupportive about the situation which is sad.

mclorn · March 2016

I just let the office manager know I was dealing with some medical issues. She never asked for more details. I took a couple days off for ER and ETs, but luckily most of my routine visits were handled before work hours. Definitely stressful, but I had no desire to get into personal details at work. I think it depends on your co-workers and comfort level.

KirstenCas · March 2016

This is my first go-round, so I really don't know what to expect. How will I feel on the stims, how many appointments, ER, transfer, etc? I told my boss and my teammates, but asked them to keep it to themselves. They probably won't, but at least people won't ask me. At least their gossip won't be about how many days I"m working from home or that they can't believe I took off at this time of the month, etc. The one thing I've been very clear about with family, friends and work is - do not ask me if it worked, if I'm pregnant, I'll tell you when I'm ready. I'm fine with people knowing I'm going through this, I just don't want all the questions.

mjacks16 · March 2016

I ended up telling all of my coworkers, granted I only have 6 and we are like a little family. I really just needed to vent one day. I did wait to tell my boss until before my ER as I asked for a few days off. And I am so glad I did because I developed a mild case of OHSS and might be out the entire week. Everyone has been really supportive and won't ask me about it unless I bring it up.

dragonfaerie · March 2016

@KirstenCas Good for your for setting boundaries! I think that's great!

caseyw8784 · March 2016

**loss mentioned**

I was at work when I suffered a miscarriage last summer, so my boss knows. We have a good relationship so I keep him up to date. He told his boss (the owner/president of the company) and my semi-boss/project manager that I'm going through some medical issues so they won't be wondering why if I come in late or have to take a day off here and there. No one else in the office knows, I don't think...

Minnie1155 · March 2016

Like others, I didn't say anything specific at work. I thought about it, but with the early morning appointments my work schedule really wasn't affected. I did tell my boss I was having some health issues and would need a few days off for appointments with short notice and my boss was very supportive. I have a close relationship with my boss and have shared other personal things, but for some reason I didn't feel like sharing about this. Mostly because I wanted to avoid any possible questions that may come with it.

I have been very open about infertility and IVF in my personal life because I do agree that there seems to be a stigma around it and it being a taboo thing to talk about. I think I just like to keep some parts of my work life and my personal life separate.

It's definitely a personal decision, so you have to do what's right for you. I don't think there's a right or wrong thing to do.

Knottie1456036854 · March 2016

I am fairly open to sharing at work. Our infertility journey is directly related to my chemo/cancer in 2013, and it was pretty obvious that something was up when I came to work bald a few years ago

. That having been said, I had to start telling people not to keep asking me how things are going. The whole process is so much longer and more complicated than I had anticipated. And frustrating! So I don't always want to talk about it.

I told my manager what I am up to, and she is totally supportive. I am an RN but I work in case management at a trauma hospital, so it is easy for me to walk the 3 blocks to the next hospital over where my fertility clinic is and get in and out of an appointment quickly. I manage my own time/schedule during the day, so I can work things around my appointments.

LynnNJ · March 2016

I had many tests before getting to this point. I was vague about it in the beginning. I had to work a half day for a medical test and had to run out during lunch for an appointment. However, when I found out I needed to have a myomectomy and would need to be out at least 6 weeks, I told them more. I emailed them that the situation was confidential and that I was going to need surgery. While I couldn't delay it, I was okay. I them spoke to them in person and filled them in that I was preparing for IVF and I needed to have the surgery in order to for it to possibly work. Everyone has been very understanding and supportive. They even told me about their own situations. I let them know that they could confidential let others know if it was necessary. (ex. secretaries or anyone who would be involving in finding my replacement) I have not had person conversations about what was going on with one person, but he did ask how I was feeling after the surgery. Now that I've been doing egg retrievals, took off for a saline sonogram, and just today had a hysteroscopy, I am telling them on a need to know basis. I talk about it more with those who show an interest. Everything else has been before work, and the dr's office is down the street. I generally do not vent to others about the stress of leaving so early in the morning so I can get to work on time. I keep things professional and only talk to close friends about the stress.

PurplePumpernickel · March 2016

Wow, so many different answers! Thanks for sharing, everyone.

I will likely end up telling my boss, as well as the other two admins who staff the office with me. I'm pretty close to these two women, and we have a phone line in our office that ALWAYS needs to be answered. It cannot go to voicemail (which might seem reasonable for a hospital or something like that, but there is no reason for the calls to get bumped to VM or another line every so often, but I don't have that kind of power.) So If I'm going to be late or out for a few days, they'll need to know.

Another co-worker has the same RE as me and she's also a good friend. She may have told her boss at some point, I'm not certain, but I know she was able to do most appointments before work hours.

derrian · March 2016

I was up front with my Manager for sure. I was already doing a lot of doctor appts to figure stuff out and he was worried about me and my health because of all the appts. So I had no issues telling him. If he told people above him as well, I have no issues. In the end he told me to take of as much time and needed and to let him know if I need help for anything at all.

It seems like infertility is such an issue for so many people. But lots just don't talk about it. And I understand why BUT it is also the random conversations that helped us get a good support system, learn about what was coming up, and have someone to talk to when times get rough.

It is worth talking about it in my opinion. Very few others in my office know. One lady whom I'm close with knows and one more co-worked in my department. But that is it. I don't think I'd have issues telling them if they asked. But I also don't broadcast it.

I will admit that I work at an amazing place and have some amazing people above me, and I realize not every one will have that. But I do feel like honesty helps you out in the long run.

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