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August 2016 Moms
Pinklippz007
member
Pregnant and alone
Pinklippz007
member
So I just found out that the guy I've been dating for a year and is pregnant by is married. I don't know what to do. Does any have any advice? How do I stay stress free when I'm so hurt and embarrassed. His wife told me she won't allow him to be apart of our child's life so I'm Going to have to put him on child support.
Re: Pregnant and alone
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any advice for you, but if I was in that situation, I would definitely be trying to get child support from him. I don't know how the exact laws go, but I do believe you have to list him on the birth certificate for that... I hope you have some family and friends near by that you can turn too right now, they might be able to offer you some more advice and a shoulder to lean on. If the stress gets to bad, I would highly suggest talking to a professional about the situation.
I would start researching your legal rights to get child support and as much as it sucks, get the courts involved - that way the state can garnish his wadges and you know you'll get a support check. It doesn't matter if you get along with the father now, you can't guarantee what can happen down the road. The number one thing to do is take care of you and your child.
I understand the emotions that you are feeling and just how awful and betrayed you must feel. As someone who is on the bright side of a situation like this, I can say that he did you a favor by showing is true colors now rather than later. I will have you in my thoughts, and I'm here if you need to talk!
1. You did nothing wrong. No need to be embarrassed! He's the one who broke his vows, and lied to you, he should be the one embarrassed (but likely isn't.) Unfortunately this is one of those things our society hasn't quite caught up to emotionally, so you may get some flak for it. It easy to blame the parent bearing the consequences of an indiscretion in a literal sense, rather than the parent who is equally culpable... Or in this case more so, since he is the one who lied to two women. Hold your head high, and take care of yourself and that little baby. Of course you are entitled to feeling embarrassed, your feelings are valid, but don't let anyone else make you think you should be.
2. In most states there are counselors connected with family court. I would see about getting in touch with someone there. Family court is a circus, I won't lie. I had to go through it once to obtain a restraining order. I have (most of) a masters degree, my father was in law enforcement, and I feel like I was barely able to get what I needed from that mess. And what I needed was pretty simple, we had documented evidence of stalking, and I didn't want anything from him... just to be left alone. Getting someone in your corner to help navigate it is crucial.
3. Make as many plans as you can on raising this baby alone - financially. Find out where and how you can ask for help. I actually JUST found on that my hospital forgives co-pays at 100% if you make less than 60k. My husband was laid off, so I am the sole earner at the moment, damn right I asked for help. Our last bill was (already!) $560. Alone, I can't pay that, and there are SO many places to get financial help if you need it.
Yes, he owes support, and should be helping you with all that. Yes it's crap. But no, all the kings horses sometimes can't MAKE him pay, and certainly can't make him pay on time. My husband's father walked out on them when they were little, and his dad refused to pay until he was 17 and the courts finally caught up with him. Then his mother could only collect the 10% of his father's wages, and only until his younger sister was 18. I think it worked out to his father owing almost 250k in child support, and he actually paid about 10% of the lifetime amount he should have. Again, something our society just hasn't quite caught up to where we should be. Two parents made this baby, two parents need to sacrifice to provide for him, but enforcing that is ... sadly lacking. I hope your road to support is easy, and he fulfills his obligations, (and I really don't mean to scare you) but a few of my friends have had to pursue support from exes, and it's never as easy as it looks on TV, and even though the courts are willing and able to back date support once it is determined it's finally owed, collecting on it is often hard. And monies owed don't buy diapers.
4. I'm sorry about the wife's lack of empathy, but she was betrayed by this man as well. Be the bigger person, and be kind to her, even if only in your thoughts.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take time to mourn the loss of the relationship you *thought* you has, but a baby is a blessing - make sure you make time to enjoy how amazing it is. The only thing you can do is be the best mommy you can, and be kind to yourself.
I agree with PP that you should have compassion for the wife, since she has been wronged, too. But on the other hand, you don't have to speak to her, listen to her, or have her involved in your life in any way. She doesn't get to "allow" anything and you certainly don't have to answer to her. Be respectful, but set clear boundaries as well, because how this plays out now could set the tone for the relationship you have for years to come.
That said, despite being single throughout her pregnancy, she has managed to make a good life for herself and her daughter. They live in a nice 2-bedroom condo and her daughter, now six years old, is very well-behaved and adjusted. I do think she sometimes feels like she's lacking in certain ways because she doesn't have a father, so I think you should definitely think long and hard about whether or not you and the dad agree that he should not be involved. As much as I empathize with the wife - and believe me, I do - I also think it's important to remember that she is not one of the parents of this child and therefore has no say in what's best for him or her. If the father of this child is saying that he's unwilling to participate in the child's life because his wife will leave him if he does, then he's essentially choosing his wife over his child and it absolutely would be in the child's best interest to keep him out as your baby deserves better. Of course, whether he ends up involved or not, I agree with PPs about pursuing child support either way. I think my best friend should've done the same, though I understand (sort of) why she didn't.
I completely agree with PPs about surrounding yourself with as much support as possible. Is there someone you can have as a confident? Or a councillor you can contact? That might be helpful for stress management strategies and someone to talk to. They also often have resources they can point you towards (how to navigate the family court system etc).
I also agree with the fact that, while the wife is also a victim in this and you should try to be compassionate, that she doesn't actually get to tell him whether or not to have a relationship with your child - it's your choice (yours and his). I hope she's being civil at least, you were lied to, too!