Dealing with the "blissfully unaware"?

BornReady · March 2016

So, I had tea with a friend I used to work with this past week. She is getting married in the fall, and was discussing starting a family etc. At one point she says , "Well the wedding is in September and I'll be on maternity leave by June or July". Now this friend does not know about my miscarriage, but is aware of my difficulty conceiving. I was torn between utter jealousy that she could let her brain think like that and wanting to offer unsolicited advice about TTC, reading her "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and buying her some OPKs (this is a joke btw). I instead chose to join her world of bliss talking about her wedding and the prospect of babies!

My friend is 34, so time is definitely important, but I also don't want to be a downer or stress her out about the realities of TTC and obviously not everyone's story is my story. I wasn't sure how you ladies handle it when this happens? Do you ever feel the need to "educate" others or will people just learn these life stories on their own? I don't want to share my anxiety, but I also want to save her some time in the whole TTC world, which I kind of wish someone had done for me. I was her when I stopped birth control four years ago and wish I had known more which also tugs at me.

Anyways, thought you all might have some advice/experience/wisdom in this area and might be a good conversation?

chloe97 · March 2016

I'm only 5 months into my TTC journey, and so far I've not run into too many blissfully unaware folks. In fact, I have to admit I was her back in July- though I at least had the courtesy to say "hopefully I will be on maternity leave in July" when talking about my plans. I was 36 at the time and watched my 2 closest friends struggle with IF, RPL, and late-term loss, so I was in no way ignorant to struggles, I was just hopeful it wouldn't happen to me.

Honestly, I think you did the right thing- let her focus in her wedding, maybe life will be kind to her and she will be on her maternity leave next summer. At that point, you have permission to really resent the shit out of her ;-) Otherwise life will teach her cruel lessons soon enough. No need to freak her out ahead of time.

I have another close friend who is 35 and her husband has been dragging his feet to start TTC for 3 years now. Her sister has struggled with IF and so she's anxious to get started. The H has flat out said to me that they will pop out 2 kids when she's 38 and 39. I want to grab him and shake and say "don't put your wife through this!!" But I don't, because it's not my business and I don't know their full story-financial issues, physical issues, family issues, etc. I will say it's really hard not be a walking ad for not waiting to TTC when you've gone through struggles! All you can do is just be open with people about your issues and listen when their ready to talk.

roxgibbons · March 2016

It's an interesting subject you bring up. I was as on the flip side of that situation almost a year ago. When my DH and I were starting to actively try, I only told one of my close friends, and she struggled with infertility a couple of years before and I felt from month 2 when I got my BFN she was pushing me to get a referral to an RE. I wanted to relax the first six months of trying and not be stressted. I felt she was projecting a lot of her infertility stuff on to me and although sometimes her advice was useful, at times it was annoying since as it turns out our diagnoses were totally different. Once I got into an RE and started the IUI process she kept mentioning that we should have started the process earlier etc., and now that I had a MC (she had one too) she is putting the fear of god into me that my FSH levels will sky rocket and I will never become pregnant again, which is what happened to her although she was diagnosed with severe diminished ovarian reserve. I know she is concerned and means well, but sometimes it's too much and I'm confident in my RE and the plan we have set forth. So I think sometimes it's best to let people be, but at appropriate times some gentle advice or sharing of experience is helpful and warranted.

roper2617 · March 2016

I have a cousin who was saying she doesn't want to go off BC until after her August wedding because she doesn't want to get pregnant until she's married (totally understandable). My SIL was there for this convo and mentioned that she got pregnant with her 2 both basically the first day she stopped the pill (fertile Myrtle over there). I actually did say to cousin that sometimes it can take a while to get pregnant and it's quite normal to not get pregnant the day you come off the pill. I totally burst her bliss bubble. Whoops.

chloe97 · March 2016

@roper2617 well that makes sense to me! I went off the pill 5 months before my wedding and used condoms/ FAM so that my body was ready to TTC when we were ready. A good friend of mine waited to go off herBC until the month they were finally ready to TTC and she cried for months about OPKs being negative and her cycle being wonky. Ummmm what did you think would happen? BC can mess you up for a year after you go off of it.

She's 38 and lost precious time because they didn't want to use condoms or track her cycle. People need to know the realities.

penelope4612 · March 2016

OP, I think you did the right thing in letting her continue to believe that she'll be on maternity leave 9 easy months after her wedding. That may end up being her reality, and it may not. But if she is aware that you have struggled to conceive, then it's not like she's totally clueless to the fact that not everyone gets pregnant right away; she's just hopeful. Most of the people in my life got pregnant right away after 1-2 cycles trying, and I hoped/assumed that would be me as well but also knew there was a possibility that it might not be. Your friend is probably also in that position, and only time will tell how TTC goes for her.

On the other hand, I think if someone is obviously unaware of factual information regarding getting pregnant (like, has no idea that their cycle may not regulate right away after coming off of birth control), its fair to warn them of that fact, as long as it's phrased in a way that makes it clear that, in general, some people have X issue, and not "you're going to have X issue".

Pompomlove · March 2016

edit: TW. Loss mentioned

I don't think many people think they'll be in this situation (TTAL). I was blind sided by my MMC and at least I know it's possible now and hope I'm more emotionally prepared to handle it if it happens again. I was so open to the possibility we might have trouble conceiving going to specialists for check ups as a precaution before delaying trying. We fell instantly and hence perpetuated my perception of being in control and one of the lucky ones.

My point is, I have a close friend who is talking the same way I did, marriage, financial security, all the ducks in a row. I couldn't help but just plant the seed that "we all think we are in control, and I hope you have no trouble falling but it isn't really up to us when it comes to fertility."

Planting fear isn't fair but planting your head firmly in the sand may not be fair either.

Good luck to you all!

ThePax89 · March 2016

Ugh I was one of the blissfully unaware dumbasses who was immune to this. Miscarriages happened to those women over there. And after my first loss, recurrent miscarriages were so sad, but God would never do that to me- duh.

Sigh. Two miscarriages later. Life has a way of telling us how dumb we are for being blissfully unaware.

I pray that your friend doesn't know the struggles of infertility and/or pregnancy loss.

zrain · March 2016

I was blissfully unaware of how long it can take to get pregnant. By the time I was, I had read a lot and was very aware of how common miscarriages are. I think that made me enjoy the time I was pregnant a little less and I kind of wish I hadn't known so I could have enjoyed those 4 weeks more without worrying so much. I think as long as people are aware that it can take a while and there can be problems, it's just fine for them to assume everything will be quick and easy.

BornReady · March 2016

@ThePax89 Seriously lady, life does have a way of reminding us how little control we really have. It really is such a crap shoot in the long run, anything can really happen moment to moment, and I feel foolish thinking I could do much real "planning" for my life as I hoped it would play out. I was talking to another friend the other day, who was unaware of my miscarriage and she asked when we would try for #2. I informed her of our loss and we started talking about the twists and turns life tosses at us. She gave me a hug and said "life on life's terms" which is something we discuss often and I'm constantly reminding myself. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

@chloe97 I want to have an intervention with your friend's husband! I think that would be a major rift for me in my marriage. If things aren't easy when they do start, I'm not sure how I could forgive that. I was definitely ready before my husband, and it is still one of my deeper regrets that I didn't pursue my point more when we were younger.

Thanks for everyone's responses!

DinosaurJumper · March 2016

I remember being in that boat, but I don't regret this journey DH and I have been on. I have learned a lot, though I am ready for this part to come to a close. It is sad when others have to learn these hard truths. I hope (OP) your friend doesn't go through this. As far as what to say, you know I haven't got a clue. I live in a town where everyone gets pregnant before they're twenty, so I don't know anyone that has ever actually tried to get pregnant. Even my siblings and I were 'accidents'. I feel like an alien here... Hope you can find the right words to say

Good Luck!

MWoodside · March 2016

I be we am a downer about this. Although it doesn't work that way for me, a lot of people are lucky to be extremely fertile and can literally get pregnant so easily and stay pregnant. I'm ridiculously jealous about that. But I let them enjoy their blissfully unaware state. I never got to have that even with my first bc it took us 2yrs 3 months to conceive her. So even though I hadn't experienced loss yet I was still on edge the entire pregnancy. I'm happy for those who can be blissfully unaware about this, I wish I had that privilege (fertility privilege).

winnie83 · March 2016

I'm afraid I was one of those blissfully unaware people until this past year. My DH has been ready and longing for a baby since 2 years ago but I kept pushing it off saying that I'm not ready and that I want to enjoy my freedom just a little longer.

Well now I know better.

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